Sentenced

by L. L. Collins

  I felt sweat dripping off of my face and reached up to wipe it off when I realized it was tears. I’d been crying in my sleep. Pissed off, I flung the covers off and stood up, pacing my room. I didn’t fucking cry. Not anymore. Jill, the only woman I’d ever loved, had died because of me.

  This was why I couldn’t get any more involved with Bex. I thought back to the notes, and a cold shiver came over me. There was no way, right? They were all either locked up or dead.

  I shook my head, grabbing a pair of clean underwear and shorts and heading for the bathroom. No. I couldn’t start being paranoid. So I’d gotten a few notes. They probably meant nothing.

  “I’m leaving early tomorrow,” Bex said, not looking at me. We were wrapped in my sheets, both of us naked after three rounds of mind blowing sex. Julia and Carter were out with Calia, and Bex and I had been making good use of the privacy.

  First I’d had her in the kitchen, then the shower, and finally the bed. I studied her face as she twirled the sheet with her fingers, wondering what she was thinking.

  “I know,” I said. “I have to go back to Colorado next week.”

  Her eyes snapped up to mine. “Why?”

  I paused, wondering if I should give her any information. My attorney had called and said I needed to come back for the hearing to see if my record could be expunged. Ever since Julia had heard I was going back, she’d been begging me to come right back afterwards and live in Florida for good. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. Bex being here was very tempting, but I was afraid that if I lived here I’d get too attached to her.

  “I have some business I have to attend to,” I chose to say. Her brow furrowed at my cryptic answer. “Plus, you’ll be gone until next month, anyway.”

  “Are you coming back?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know yet.”

  “Tell me something,” Bex said, shocking me. She smiled shyly.

  “Yes?”

  She waved her hand in between us. “What do you . . . where do you . . .” Bex smacked her hand down on her leg and looked away. “Never mind.”

  I reached over and covered her hand. “What is it? Talk to me.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t make the words come out.”

  I looked over at the Gibson still sitting covered on my chair. I stood, carefully lifting it by the strap and handing it to her.

  “What is this for?”

  “My sister got me this. Play. Tell me what you want to say in song.”

  She looked from the Gibson and then back to me. “But you haven’t played it?”

  I shook my head. “She’s trying to make me. But I can’t. So you do it.”

  Bex looked down, strumming her fingers on the strings. God, it was beautiful. I wasn’t sure which thing I thought was more breathtaking than the other. Here she was, the woman who had done more for me than I’d ever thought possible, sitting naked on my bed playing the guitar I’d wanted for my whole life. I was too frozen to do anything about either thing that I wanted so badly I could barely see straight.

  Oh shit.

  Either thing?

  I wanted her?

  I wanted to play?

  Holy fuck, I wanted her?

  My chest tightened and I clutched it, refusing to allow the panic to take me over. I was stronger than this shit. I had to be. I didn’t want her, and I couldn’t play again. Neither of those things were in the cards for me.

  After quickly tuning the guitar, Bex closed her eyes and began to sing. The sound of her voice effectively stopped the panic from taking me over.

  “Here I am, a lost and lonely girl. All I ever wanted was to be loved. But you didn’t care. You threw me away like the trash I was. I’m broken. . . . so broken . . . I can’t ever be fixed again . . .”

  As she sang the chorus again, about being broken and not able to be fixed, my mouth dropped open. She was telling me what she couldn’t tell me in words. She’d been hurt badly. I could’ve figured that already, but she and I weren’t so different. Our poisons might’ve been different, but the pain was the same.

  When she finished she looked away from me, silence taking over the room.

  “Bex,” I said, reaching over and pulling her towards me. “That song . . . I’ve never heard you play that.”

  “I can’t sing it in front of an audience,” she said, shifting her eyes away from me again. “I wrote it years ago. No one has ever heard it before. Before you.”

  “It’s too raw,” I said. She nodded. What was happening right now? I was afraid to know but terrified to stop it. “Thank you for trusting me with it.”

  “I know we’re both fucked up,” she said, straightening her spine and looking directly at me. “There’s shit that’s happened to me that I’m not sure I can ever talk about. I’m the first person to shy away from any sort of emotional connection to anyone. Ask Natalie or Beau. And we agreed that this was a no-strings, don’t-get-attached-thing.”

  “But that’s not what it is anymore,” I finished for her, shocking the shit out of myself. Where the hell had that come from? Bex’s eyes widened, the same surprise evident on her face. “We both said that, yes. You’re leaving tomorrow, and I have shit I have to deal with in Colorado.”

  Bex nodded. “I’m gone for a month. Johnny . . .”

  She worked the sheet with her fingers again. I wanted to know so badly what was going through her head, because fuck if I knew what was going through mine. It was a jumbled mass of wires trying to reconnect.

  “Come with me,” she said finally.

  Out of all of the things I thought she might say, that wasn’t one of them. “What?”

  She nodded, her jaw firm like she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I’d seen this Bex enough to recognize determination when I saw it. “Come with me. On tour.”

  My mouth dropped open, my mind reeling. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? Go on tour with her? Around the country? On a bus? With her band? “Bex . . .”

  “Before you say no, think about it. Whatever ‘business’ you have in Colorado, we’re going to be there next week. Denver, right?” I nodded. “Yep, we’ll be there too. So you can do whatever business you have there, and then keep going with me.”

  Could I go with her on tour? What did that mean for what we were? That sure as shit didn’t mean we were just fucking.

  I wanted to deflect and say something witty or funny or even shitty to push her away. But I couldn’t make myself do any of those.

  “My mom died from complications of childbirth,” Bex said when I didn’t respond. “I never knew her.”

  I looked at her face, so strong and confident in her words. Her voice hadn’t even shook when she’d said that. “That’s terrible. I’m sorry.” She looked at me expectedly, waiting for me to share something with her.

  “My parents kicked me out when I was eighteen,” I said, the safest thing I could tell her.

  She laced my fingers with hers. “That’s terrible.” Both of us knew it was just the tip of the iceberg, but it was a start. I still couldn’t answer her about going on tour. I wasn’t worried about the money or missing work at The Outrigger. I was terrified for what this meant for what was happening with us.

  I already knew.

  “My dad was arrested when I was seven and I haven’t seen him since. He’s still in prison.”

  I inwardly cringed. I wanted to know what he was arrested for but was afraid to ask. Great. I wasn’t any better than her scumbag father, an ex-con with a record. Well, maybe after next week I wouldn’t be, and I wouldn’t have to worry about that.

  “The only woman I’ve ever loved was killed before I could save her.”

  Bex’s eyes widened. “Fuck.” I nodded, both of us silent as she absorbed that. She didn’t ask me for more information, and I loved that about her. “I lived in ten foster homes from the time I was seven until I was sixteen.”

  “Ten? Fucking shit, why?”

  “No one wanted me,” Bex said matter-of-factly.
“I was a shit on purpose. I didn’t want any of them to love me. I’d loved my dad and look where that got me.” Hell, did I get that.

  “My parents wanted me to go to school and then take over their business, and when I said no, they cut me off.” This was way safer than the rest of the story.

  “Fuckers,” Bex said, a small smile on her face. It felt . . . good, liberating to share things with someone else. Maybe Julia had been right. Kind of.

  Bex crawled over to me and folded herself in my lap. She traced the tattoos on my chest. “That’s the most I’ve ever shared with anyone.”

  I pressed my lips to the top of her head, stroking my hand down her back as we sat in silence, both soaking in what had happened over the last few minutes. “Me too,” I whispered. “Not even my sister knows all of that.”

  She tilted her head back to look at me. “Really?”

  I nodded. “Really.”

  “Beau and I were in my last foster home together. Natalie too, but she was aging out right when I got there so I didn’t get to know her well until after.”

  Ah, fuck. No wonder they were so close. “They’re your family.”

  “The only people that have ever been there for me,” she said, folding herself back into my chest. “If it wasn’t for them, I’d probably be dead.”

  I had a million questions about that but I kept them to myself. Asking questions meant getting questions in return. I’d shared more than I’d ever intended to.

  “I have to go,” she said finally. “The bus rolls out at three in the morning and I have to get some sleep.”

  “Stay,” I said, holding her slight body to mine. I wasn’t sure what my answer could be or should be about going with her on tour, but I didn’t want her to go. I needed her body wrapped around mine and her pussy shuddering around my dick a few more times before I let her go.

  “Come with me,” Bex said again, tipping her face up to mine. I pressed my lips to hers in what was the softest kiss we’d ever shared. It stirred a feeling in me I hadn’t allowed myself to have in a very long time, and I wasn’t sure I welcomed it.

  I did the only thing I could do at that moment. I laid Bex down on the bed and put my face between her legs, effectively stopping all communication except ‘oh my god more,’ and ‘yes, right there’.

  The rest would have to wait.

  Bex

  I stood next to the bed, looking down at Johnny as he slept. I had to get going before I started getting shouty texts from Natalie, but I was torn. Should I wake him up and ask him again if he wanted to go with me?

  I couldn’t believe I’d been that stupid to ask him multiple times to go with me. He’d never answered me and had looked nothing but shocked that I’d asked at all. After we’d had sex two more times we’d both passed out. It was do or die time.

  I didn’t want to leave him.

  But if he wanted me, he would’ve told me.

  Damn you, Bex, you let yourself get attached to him. This was never part of the deal. So what that you both shared things with each other. You can’t ask the man you’ve known for only a few weeks to move in with you. What the fuck is your problem? You aren’t a forever kind of girl, remember? Asking a guy to live on a tour bus or a hotel room with you for a month is asking him to commit. Have you lost your fucking mind?

  “Yes, I have,” I whispered, tracing the tattoo on Johnny’s arm. “Take care, Johnny.”

  With that, I grabbed my purse and shoes and made my way down the dark hallway. We’d heard his sister and brother-in-law come home hours ago, and I for sure didn’t want to make any noise and wake them up. That would be awkward.

  I reached the living room and stopped to slip on my shoes. Just as I was about to make it to the front door, a voice from behind me made me jump and drop my purse.

  “Fuck,” I hissed as the contents of my purse went rolling around the floor. A light flipped on behind me, and I turned to see one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen smirking at my shocked reaction. Obviously it was Julia, and shit if the family resemblance wasn’t strong between them. She was just as striking as he was.

  “You must be Bex.” She was wearing a nightgown, her long hair wrapping around her shoulders. A sleeping baby was cradled in her arms. This must be Calia who Johnny was so in love with. My eyes raked over her sleeping form before settling back on Julia’s amused grin.

  Embarrassment crept up my face. I felt like a teenager caught sneaking out of her boyfriend’s house. Not that I’d ever had that experience. “Y-yes. You must be Julia. I’m sorry, I was just leaving.”

  Julia smiled again. “You weren’t bothering me. Calia here decided she needed to eat again. Do you have a minute?” She indicated the chair across from where she was sitting.

  Did I have a minute? Sure. Did I want to be grilled from Johnny’s sister? No. “Uh . . . a minute. I’m leaving today on tour.”

  Julia nodded as I settled myself in the chair across from her. I sat on the edge so I could leave quickly if need be. “I heard you were going out with Halestorm. That’s awesome. My husband loves them. Johnny’s gotten him addicted to Jaded Regret, too. You’re very talented. You look nervous.”

  I laughed. “Well . . . it’s not usual for me to be sneaking out of someone’s house in the middle of the night. And yes, it’s my dream come true to open for a band like them. Thank you for the compliment.”

  “You’re beautiful, just as I suspected,” Julia changed the subject, caressing her daughter’s head. I couldn’t stop staring at her. The baby, not Julia. It made me think of things I’d tried to bury for years.

  “Uh, thank you?” I didn’t know how to take the compliment from her, but I liked her already. She seemed real. I didn’t expect anything less from Johnny’s sister.

  “I don’t want to get into your business, but I’m going to anyway,” Julia chuckled. “Are things . . . serious . . . with you and Johnny?”

  Serious? Just the word made my heart start racing. “N-no. We aren’t serious at all.”

  Julia pursed her lips, her eyes never leaving mine. “I call bullshit.”

  Well then. She didn’t mince words, either. Must be a family trait. “Excuse me?”

  Julia smiled. “Do you know he used to play?”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Has he played for you?”

  “No. He says he can’t.”

  Julia nodded, a sad look flitting over her face. “Are you in love with him?”

  I sucked in a breath. Love? I didn’t know what the word even meant in the case of a man and a woman. I’d never been in love before. Well, I had, but not in the same way. But the pain of that love had been ripped out of me and buried, never to be seen again. “It’s not like that with us. I don’t love anyone.”

  “Not even yourself.” What was this woman, a shrink? Anger started bubbling up inside of me. What the fuck was her game here? What did she want from me?

  “Julia,” I said, pushing myself to standing. “It’s been very nice to meet you, but I have to go.”

  She stood with me, holding Calia tightly to her body. The urge to feel that soft baby skin in my arms almost overtook me. “I’m sorry. I know I overstepped. I just want my brother to be happy. I know what his normal arrangement is . . . but I don’t think you’re it. I can tell you both have a lot to work through, but I think you both feel more than you’re willing to admit. Think about that, Bex. Johnny deserves someone who loves him and shows him what life—and love—is all about.”

  I smiled thinly, the urge to sprint to the door almost overtaking me. I didn’t love him. I wasn’t the one to show him those things.

  Then why did I want more than anything for him to wake up and go with me right now?

  “Are you okay?” Ryver hardly ever dared to ask me that question, but I guessed the amount of brooding looks and snappy responses to questions had clued him in that something was up.

  “I’m fucking fine,” I spat.

  He held up his hands. “You don’t seem �
�fucking fine’ to me, so don’t be a bitch.”

  I rolled my eyes, looking one more time out the huge front window to see if Johnny’s bike was coming down the road. He knew our bus was being loaded at the studio. I don’t know why I kept looking because he wasn’t coming. I was the stupid one that had asked a man I’d essentially just met—but had fucked more times than I could count—to go on tour with me.

  You’re a moron, Bexley Bryant. Why did you put yourself out there like that? Haven’t you learned that it gets you nowhere? This is why you aren’t cut out to want more than just a roll in the sheets.

  Natalie stepped onto the bus. “We’re all set. The equipment is all loaded. We ready, Bex?”

  I lifted my eyes to hers. No, I wasn’t ready. I was all fucked up in the head. I took a deep breath and forced thoughts of Johnny out of my head. I was going on tour. My life dream was coming true, and I was sitting here sulking over a man. A hot as fuck man who had wormed his way into too many of my thoughts. It had to stop. Right fucking now.

  I’d find someone else to fill the void and silence the voices in my head when we got to Atlanta. There had to be plenty of guys there that would show me a good time and then walk out the door.

  That was the plan. “Let’s rock this,” I said to Natalie. She smiled and high-fived me.

  Ryver, noticing the switch in my demeanor, fist bumped me and then smacked his hand on the table. “We’re fucking doing this! Jaded Regret is going on tour with Halestorm!”

  The five of us cheered. I didn’t need Johnny. Everything I needed was right here; right now.

  “Stop! Stop pushing RIGHT NOW!” The nurse screamed so loud my eyes widened. All of a sudden the room was a flurry of activity. They were spewing medical jargon I didn’t understand.

  Tears fell from my eyes. “What’s happening?” I was seventeen years old. It was bad enough that I was here in the first place. Now what?

  “We’re taking you in for an emergency C-section. The baby is in distress. You. Cannot. Push. Do you hear me?” The look on her face made me scared shitless. Despite the way this baby came into my life, he or she was the only family I had.