I Hate You, Love Me

by Jamie Knight

  Ugh.

  Even though I was alone with my memories in the dorm, I was embarrassing myself in front of myself, recognizing my teenaged mistakes. I recalled how, as soon as I started thinking of Seth as a date option, I talked myself into believing that I actually liked him and that I had liked him for a long time even.

  I felt so ridiculous, remembering that thought process, that I physically couldn’t sit still. I leapt from my bed and started pacing the room, even though it was pitch dark, except for the lights of the campus lawn that were coming in from outside the window.

  I saw it all replayed in the dark of my dorm room.

  I’d grown giddy with determination with the thought that I would ask Seth to the dance. I had never really seen him with another girl, so, as far as I knew, I had zero obstacles. All I had to do was the actual asking.

  I didn’t want an audience, so I came up with a plan. To get him alone and make sure there were no witnesses, all I had to do was climb out my bedroom window onto the fire escape, then go up the stairs one floor to his bedroom, which was right above mine.

  The night air had only a slight chill when I got out on the metal stairs outside my window. It was quiet and peaceful, and I only shook a little with nervousness. In fact, I grew more confident with every step I took up to his bedroom ledge.

  But I was in no way prepared for what I saw inside his window.

  His bedroom was lowly lit, with a small lamp on the wall farthest from me standing outside. But it illuminated enough that I saw movement on his floor. Stepping closer, almost right up the window, I squinted to make out what was happening.

  There he was. Completely naked, Seth grunted as he was having sex with some girl on her back, right on his bedroom floor. The warm yellow lamp light bathed his skin in a glow as I watched his muscles ripple with every thrust he made.

  Lying with their feet towards me, and him on top of her, I couldn’t see either of their faces. But I saw his backside. His ass was sculpted, his back was ripped, and I’d never seen so many bulging muscles on a guy my age before.

  Her milky white legs were spread and loose under him. His torso was raised with his weight on his palms next to her sides. In the space between their bodies, I could see her massive breasts— creamy plump skin bouncing with every hard pump his muscled hips gave her.

  Her nipples were hard and huge. I think I saw strands of auburn, reddish hair from her head but couldn’t be sure. She let out soft cries that sounded like pain when I saw his body tense even harder as he pumped into her faster and faster, soon pounding her hard. My eyes rested for a movement on the defined muscles above his ass on his lower back undulating hypnotically as he launched his cock deep into her pussy.

  Somehow, my blood boiled and ran cold at the same time. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move my feet.

  I’d never seen a single act of sex before. I’d never seen anyone naked before—not even myself, entirely. My parents were very big on modesty and they sheltered me from anything related to sex. I’d probably been standing at his window for all of two seconds, but it felt like an eternity.

  Numb and shocked, I took a few steps backwards and found the stairway rail to steady myself. Shaking and feeling weak, I made my way back to my room. I lay on the bed and stared into space for what felt like hours.

  Much later that night, I cried.

  I didn’t go to the Sadie Hawkins Dance that year. And I didn’t speak again to Seth until I saw him in the dorm rooms two years later. I never told anyone of my silly plan or what I saw that night, least of all Lindsay. I know she would’ve understood. I even tried a few times, but I just couldn’t get the words out.

  Now, more than anything, as I paced in the dark, I realized I didn’t want this old story to be a part of my romantic life. I didn’t want a relationship with someone who hurt me that much, who didn’t know they could even affect me at all, in the first place. I was so dumb. And this was just so fucked.

  Maybe Seth and I were fated. But more and more, I was beginning to think that we were cursed to hate each other, and that fate only wanted us in conflict, at odds with each other in some way.

  Apart.

  Always.

  Chapter Seven

  Seth

  Financially, my father was barely keeping up with me in college, the tuition and fees were so high. I needed to find a way to help him.

  It seemed like every year the costs of college just went up. I had tracked it during all my years in high school. A first, it seemed doable, then just barely doable. By the time I got in, we were struggling, and Kensington State was the cheapest school around.

  The school of business offered one paid internship per year. Whoever got the internship also received a full scholarship as well. It was through the Dean’s office, and competition was stiff, but I had to try for it. I figured if I got the paid internship and scholarship, then I wouldn’t have to keep asking my dad for money that I knew he really didn’t have.

  The internship was decided by interviews with Dean Charles Williams. My interview loomed in less than an hour. I got all dressed up. I was rocking a suit I found at a second-hand store, a tie, and some hair gel. The whole deal.

  I had to look as professional as possible. I had to ace this interview. It was either that or start stealing food like Kendall.

  I ran into Kendall as I was walking across the campus and told him what I was up to. If we hadn’t been on a college campus, we would’ve looked like an odd pair, me dressed to the nines and Kendall in a t-shirt and ripped jeans. As always, his backpack was brimming with food.

  “Need any more Ziplock bags?” he asked.

  “Maybe, I’ll have to start stealing more from the cafeteria at the rate I’m going,” I explained. “But, if I don’t get this internship, I might have to cancel my meal plan just to save some money.”

  “What would you eat?” he asked, pulling a sandwich out of his bag and taking a big bite.

  “I don’t know. Ramen?” I suggested.

  Kendall stopped in his tracks.

  “Dude. Is that the party girl from your dorm?”

  He pointed to a nearby park bench.

  I looked. It was Tina.

  “Oh, shit, are you kidding me?” I said. “I do not need this.”

  The bench Tina was occupying was right on my path to Dean Williams’ office. There was no way to avoid it.

  “She’s pretty cute,” said Kendall.

  He started to try to soothe his wild blond curls. It didn’t work.

  “You should hit that,” he smirked at me.

  “No way, she’s psycho,” I retorted, giving him a slight shove. “Listen. Two nights ago, I’m chilling in my room with this chick, Nadine. Tina, the resident maniac over there, is fucking blasting her music again all throughout the hall. I mean, my shelves are rattling from the vibration. I couldn’t hear Nadine talk.”

  “Did you call her a maniac?”

  “Yeah, it’s what I used to call her when we were kids after she punched me in the nose,” I explained. “She hates it.”

  I looked back over to where Tina was sitting. She was in another short skirt, her long shapely legs crossed before her. I looked away quickly.

  “She punched you in the nose?” Kendall laughed.

  “Yeah. Shut up. Anyway,” I continued with my story. “I go over and I tell her to turn down the music. Maniac is totally drunk and starts screaming at me. Like I did something wrong. I tried to walk away but she followed me all the way back to my dorm room.”

  “Weird.” Kendall kept his gaze on Tina.

  “Yeah, right? She tells Nadine that she’s the second girl I’ve brought to my room just this week, which I am not cool with. I mean, yes it’s true, but Tina shouldn’t have told her that.”

  Kendall nodded.

  “Not her business. Correct. Go on.”

  I folded my arms in front of my chest. “I’m like, you’re the one who is bringing every guy from campus to your room. I tell her that. If anyone
’s a player, it’s her, right?”

  “Well, dude…”

  “Well, she flipped the fuck out. Got in my face. Screamed at me. Nadine ends up leaving. That fucking Tina strikes again. Crazy ass. She’s a fucking maniac.”

  “She’s in love with you, dude,” Kendall said, looking at me with complete seriousness.

  All the air went out of my chest and I stepped back from him like he had just belched out poison gas.

  “What? Are you nuts? Did you hear anything I just said? She hates me!” I snapped.

  He grinned.

  “Aww. And you’re into her too. You’ve got one of those love/hate things going on,” he explained, with a knowing nod. “I’ve seen it before. This is actually quite convenient for you. She’s right down the hall.”

  His voice went low and authoritative when he followed with, “You guys will be banging soon.”

  “What? You’re nuts.”

  I sneered at him, but my eyes wanted to wander back over to Tina. I didn’t let myself look.

  “Seth, I don’t make the laws of attraction,” said Kendall, with a shrug. “I’m just smart enough to know them and follow them. Trust me. You’re going to bang that chick. It might be a hate-fuck, but you’ll bang.”

  “Hate-fuck? What are you even talking about?”

  “It’s when you bang a chick, and you kind of hate her, but you’re really attracted to her, too,” said Kendall. “I hear it’s super intense. Good luck. Tell me everything.”

  He patted me on the shoulder and took off.

  “It’s not going to happen,” I yelled after him.

  He turned back, grinning like an innocent school boy, and gave me a thumbs up.

  There was no way I could avoid Tina this afternoon, so I walked straight up to her. She was reading over something and didn’t see me coming. It was time for a little payback.

  “What’s up, Maniac?” I greeted her, trying to stress each syllable of the word. “Here to ruin someone else’s day or just mine?”

  Tina looked up. She had tears in her sky-blue eyes. I didn’t think that what I said would make her cry so quickly.

  “Oh. Whoa. Hey,” I said, backing up a bit.

  “Just leave me alone, Seth,” she whispered, looking away from me.

  “Well, I’m here for something, actually,” I told her, pointing at the dean’s office.

  “Yeah, so am I,” she snapped. “If I don’t get this paid internship, my parents are going to make me move back home next semester. I’ll have to commute, and I won’t have a life on this campus. I’ll lose all my friends. I will lose whatever adult freedom I have.”

  Fuck me.

  She was going for the same internship as I was. I looked her over. She had a suit jacket on, and her long blonde hair was up in a neat bun. She looked good, professional, but not as professional as me, not with that short skirt. I slumped onto the bench beside her.

  “Oh, boo-hoo,” I said. “If I don’t get this internship, my dad won’t be able to pay for me to go to college at all.”

  Without a remark, Tina got up and walked into the large glass double doors of the school of business building. I followed close on her heels, all the way to the dean’s office. We both checked in with Dean Williams’ secretary and took seats on the lone gray couch in the waiting room.

  “It’s not the same,” Tina hissed to me. “My parents treat me like a prisoner. You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Shhh. Please,” said the dean’s secretary, looking up from her computer.

  “Sorry,” said Tina.

  She folded her arms over her unwieldy chest, pulling the suit jacket more closed. She refused to look at me and leaned as far as she could to the other side of the small couch we shared. It was clear that she wanted to get away from me. But there was nowhere else to sit.

  “Maybe living with your parents is the best thing for you. You’re out of control,” I suggested, glaring at her. “You party way too much!”

  “Me? What about you? You’re having sex with half the campus,” she countered, turning to glare up into my eyes.

  “Shhh,” insisted the secretary.

  “I’m not actually, but thanks for the vote of confidence.”

  I ran my hand through my gelled hair and immediately regretted it. I hoped I hadn’t messed it up.

  “I’m just dating these girls. No sex,” I hissed back. “You’re the one that’s sleeping with half the campus. You’ve had all those guys up to your room.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about! I’m a—” She stopped, interrupting her own loud whispers. “—I’m just having fun. I don’t sleep with those guys. You sound like my mother! Meanwhile, speaking of the devil by the way, my mother just wants me to drop out and get married.”

  “Ha! That’s rich. Good luck with that.”

  I looked around for a mirror in the waiting room, to see if I’d messed up my hair and to fix it, but I couldn’t find one.

  “Will you two please be quiet?” hushed the secretary yet again.

  I picked up an alumni magazine. Tina started looking at her phone. She leaned back into the couch and stretched her legs out before her. The movement caught my attention and I looked over.

  Her legs were so well shaped. He slim ankles ran up to toned caves. I pulled my gaze away and looked at my magazine. I re-read the same paragraph and found my eyes wandering over to Tina’s legs again.

  Her narrow skirt had ridden up a bit. I could see most of her thighs. Her strong, well-formed thighs. Thighs leading to… more curves.

  I had to stop looking at the maniac’s legs. I tore my eyes away and looked out into the room. I started doing math in my head, trying to figure out a way that I could stay in school without the internship.

  I guessed I could keep applying for part time jobs or something. That would off-set some of the costs, but it really wouldn’t be enough to help my father. There was only so much money I could bring in, working part time for minimum wage or so, around my class schedule.

  The internship would be perfect. What’s better than getting paid and a full scholarship?

  If I didn’t get the internship, I’d have to lower my food and rent costs to next to nothing. I wouldn’t be able to live on campus any more. I’d probably need something like three roommates.

  Dave would go for it. Kendall would, if the math worked out and it was cheap enough. Who could I get for a third? Maybe Rick, that weird guy in my computer class.

  “I can see you doing math in your head,” said Tina.

  Her blue eyes were fixed on my face. I felt my cheeks blush a bit at her gaze.

  “I am,” I said, trying to turn away. “I left you alone. Why are you bothering me?”

  “I don’t know, I just… I guess I wonder how a guy like you even ends up in college. Why didn’t you just start working at the auto-parts plant with our fathers? I figured that’s what you would do.”

  “What? Ugh. Look, I don’t want to be my father. Why didn’t you just get married like your mother?”

  “At least you would get to leave the house and earn some money,” she hissed, and looked away from me, quickly.

  “You’re a childish snob, you know that? I’m going back to my magazine,” I hissed right back.

  God.

  What is with this girl? It’s like she can’t leave me alone.

  Oh, God, maybe Kendall was right. Maybe she is into me.

  But I’d known Tina forever and I’d hated Tina forever. But was that because I’d liked her forever, and she didn’t like me back?

  I didn’t know if I could ever change that, even if she was into me. I didn’t know if I could grow to someday trust her crazy ass.

  She’d probably cheat on me. Sleep around just like my mother did to my dad. Then leave me just like mother did. Just like all women, I can’t trust Tina. She will leave me.

  Whoa. Slow down, I told myself. I was getting all emotional, just sitting here thinking. I had to keep my head clear.

 
This was an important internship. I had to think about my answers for the Dean, not some imaginary relationship that I didn’t have. One that I would never have. Or want, anyway. Or at least that was what I was telling myself.

  “You should really think about seeing a therapist,” I suddenly said to Tina.

  “What? Where did that come from?” She turned to me, her blue eyes wide.

  “I’m just sitting here thinking. You’re the one who’s all emotional and crying before an important interview. I’m just saying, it couldn’t hurt,” I suggested.

  “Yeah, well, you’re the one who needs his head examined,” she snapped.

  I frowned and stuck my tongue out at her.

  Ignoring me, Tina took out her phone and used it like a mirror. She touched up her face, reapplying her bush and eyeliner. Objectively, without my emotional bias, like the way they teach us to think here in college, I had to admit, technically and scientifically, she had a beautiful face.

  I leaned over and tried to check my hair in the reflector she held. Catching a glimpse out of the corner, I could see that I hadn’t messed it up too badly, and I was relieved.

  Sensing my closeness, Tina turned towards me suddenly. Her breath hissed in, as she stared into my eyes. Our noses were practically touching. I glanced from her blue eyes to her lips. Her full, pouty pink lips.

  “What are you doing?” those perfect lips said.

  I found myself leaning closer, wanting to taste her soft pout, but I stopped myself quickly. What the absolute fuck was with me today?

  I leaned away from her.

  “Just checking my hair,” I exclaimed, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

  She huffed, “Use your own phone!”

  She did have a point. I hadn’t even thought to do that.

  Tina finished touching up her face and got called inside for her interview with Dean Williams. She seemed pretty nervous.

  I watched her go. Her perfect round ass shook as she walked. I started to feel pretty fucking nervous, too.

  Chapter Eight