I Hate You, Love Me

by Jamie Knight

  Tina

  Before I knew it, it was Christmas break and time to go back home. For most people, that meant having a good time. They would visit relatives or go home to party with their friends from high school.

  Not for me. Christmas break for me meant constant lectures from my parents and a lot of time spent alone in my room.

  I tried to not come home, but my parents would not allow me to stay on campus for break. That would’ve been infinitely better than this. Sure, the campus would be empty, and I’d have to get my own food from somewhere. But I’d rather scrounge around for food in the woods than have to go back to my parent’s apartment.

  The only social function I was able to attend over break, other than church, was the auto-parts plant’s yearly Christmas party. It was kind of a lame event, where my dad would drink too much and hope he won awards for productivity, but at least I would get to see my best friend Lindsay.

  I had known a year ago that our lives would fork apart in college. But I guess I hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly. Still, I was excited as all get out for her. Lindsay was literally the best person I knew. Nothing mattered more to me than her happiness.

  When my father, mother and I walked in the door of the plant’s cafeteria, I immediately went over to the snack table. Every year, this was where Lindsay and I would meet up, then we would stalk off into one of the plant’s maze of hallways and gossip.

  Middle-aged heads of household and their families mulled around the plant’s cafeteria. Children ran by, playing tag or hide and go seek, whatever would keep them amused while the adults drank and talked about their problems at work. Or boasted, like my dad did.

  I looked over to my parents. Dad was already on his second cup of free beer.

  Where was Lindsay?

  A few of Dad’s coworkers walked by and said hello to me. I would give them a polite smile and then look down at the ugly Christmas sweater my mom had made me wear.

  She had knitted it herself: it was red and green stripes of fuzzy yarn with a manger scene quilted on top. I kept pulling my hair over my shoulders to try and obscure part of the picture.

  One of the plant worker’s sons walked up to get a handful of chocolate-covered Chex mix from the table I leaned against. He smiled at me. I looked down to hide my blush. I couldn’t remember his name, and he walked away without trying to talk to me.

  I sighed to myself. I felt like such a loser. I couldn’t ever get comfortable around guys. I haven’t even kissed one. With all the drunk guys I had had over to my room to party, there were none I felt I could get close to or date. I came close a few times. Certainly, I had plenty of offers, but I would just wave them away.

  “Now Dave, if you just increase your speed by ten seconds, then I could increase productivity by twenty percent…” My father’s loud voice wafted over to my ears.

  Oh God! He was already slurring slightly. I turned to look. Oh no! He was talking to Seth’s dad. They always fought at these functions. Mr. Foster was already red in the face and had his hands on his hips.

  “Paul,” he snapped at my dad. “We have been over this and the manager agrees with me. If I up my timing it will cause a backup down the line where they have to install the wiring.”

  A few other coworkers walked up to them to join in the discussion and I turned away. My father always tried to tell everyone else how to do their jobs. He has never gotten over the fact that he was no longer a manager.

  If Mr. Foster and my dad were fighting, that meant that Seth was here too. Ugh. I left my position at the snack table and hid nearby behind a tall stack of chairs. From this semi-hidden spot, I could watch the front doors of the cafeteria for Lindsay.

  “Can’t you learn how to tread lightly, Dave? I can hear your infernal stomping at all hours!”

  My dad was yelling now. He and Mr. Foster had moved away from work issues and onto their animosity at being neighbors.

  “Shut up, Paul!”

  I spotted Lindsay walking in the door… accompanied by Seth.

  No. No! No! I get enough of that jerk at school. He cannot ruin my extra special time with my best friend.

  They were all smiles and laughing. Lindsay held out her hand to Seth and he took it, looking down to her hand… at a ring. On her ring finger.

  What?

  A tall, handsome blonde man came through the doors, accompanied by Lindsay’s brother and her parents. I felt like I’ve seen him hanging out with her brother before. He immediately went over to Lindsay and Seth and put his arm around her shoulders. She turned and kissed him.

  Is Lindsay engaged?

  Seth shook the other man’s hand, then went over to extract his father from the argument with my dad.

  I turned and set my back against the stack of chairs I was hiding behind. I took a few deep breaths.

  Okay. Lindsay is engaged. Would have been nice if she had given me a heads-up, but whatever, she’s my best friend and I can handle this.

  I turned back to see her and her fiancé walking towards the snack table… with my mother.

  Oh, no. I’m never going to hear the end of this.

  I would have pointedly not told my mother about Lindsay’s big news, but she didn’t exactly tell me, herself. Now, her entrance with her entourage left no question about what was going on in her life and I knew that my mother would never let it go.

  I stepped over to the snack table and hid my discomfort behind a big smile. Lindsay pulled me into a quick, hard hug.

  “Oh, my gosh. Lindsay,” said my mother, happily, grinning from ear to ear. “Congratulations! You must be so excited.”

  “I am, I am,” she smiled and played with her long brown hair. “Everyone, this is Brent, I’m not sure if you remember meeting him before. He’s one of Robert’s best friends at Pacific Day University. He’s studying to be a doctor”

  Brent offered me his hand and I shook it. I had to admit, he was pretty hunky. I could see why Lindsay was all over him.

  He was young, fit, going to be a doctor and seemed like a nice guy. But I couldn’t shake my jealousy about the fact that Lindsay’s parents would be so happy that she was engaged, and to such a perfect guy at that, and my own parents would still be picking on me to do the same. I was also mad at her for not telling me anything about him before.

  I kind of wanted him to be, I don’t know, flawed or something. I wanted some flaw or problem with him, so I could tell my mother to shut up.

  Then Lindsay showed us her engagement ring. That’s when I knew Brent was rich too. It was a pretty sizable rock and I had to admit, I wouldn’t mind having one too.

  It was like Lindsay had scored on some big game early. Like she won in Monopoly and was already putting the game pieces away. Me? I was still on Oriental Avenue trying to scrape together enough for one measly house.

  The really horrible part was my mother. I knew she’d go on and on about Lindsay’s fiancé and never shut up. Lindsay’s guy was a doctor and I knew that just sent my mom over the moon. Then she would lecture me on my shortcomings at finding a man.

  “Everyone!” Lindsay’s father, Mr. Miller, waved his hands above his head to get the attention of everyone in the cafeteria. He was the manager here, so all the employees turned quickly at the sound of his voice. “It’s time for the yearly productivity awards. If you all would follow me into the auditorium.”

  Lindsay took my hand and squeezed it quickly, before heading towards her father. I watched her tall fiancé put his arm around her shoulders again. I felt frozen to my spot.

  “Lindsay. Wait!” My voice came out louder than I was expecting.

  The rest of her family, my family and perfect Brent kept walking. I was surprised at how relieved I was when my very best friend actually stopped and took the time to address me, the pathetic, lonely friend.

  She stood and close with her pert eyebrows raised, like she was my coworker rather than the woman I’d grown up with and shared all my secrets with.

  “When were you going to
tell me?” I asked, more pointedly than I meant to. I wasn’t mad at Lindsay. Was I?

  But her face became annoyed, her brow furrowed. “Uh,” she sighed, with her face slowly going red. “Look, Tina, things are really busy now,” she answered with a curt, aloof manner like I was being a bother by asking my nearest and dearest why she didn’t even contact me with her huge, life-changing news.

  “Too busy to make a call? Shoot a text?” I retorted, hotly. My emotions were boiling inside now. My hurt was turning into rage in no time flat.

  “Look, Tina, you have no idea how much work this engagement is,” she continued in the same flustered, uncaring tone of voice.

  “Well, if it’s too much work to call, then don’t bother with the work of inviting me! Because I won’t be there! Like you’re not here for me!” I was almost yelling now. Thankfully, most all the attendees were already gone from the cafeteria.

  Lindsay’s face was fully beet red and she looked like she wanted to say much more. But she only shook her head and muttered as she turned away, saying, “Okay, Tina.” Then she walked away.

  I stood, fists balled, somehow managing not to scream until I collapsed. Who was this person occupying my best friend’s body? How would I get through this night, much less this holiday?

  “We’d better get inside,” said Dad, waving to Mom and me. “The awards are about to start. This year’s my year!”

  Walking to the auditorium from cafeteria, Mom was still taking about Lindsay’s fiancé like Lindsay had won the lottery or something. Then she stopped and just looked at me, slowly shaking her head like I was some big disappointment.

  Chapter Nine

  Tina

  We went inside the old auditorium at the plant and took our seats in the grimy, orange threadbare chairs. I was sandwiched between my mother, who was still droning on about Lindsay being engaged and one of my father’s coworkers, Mr. Stevens, I think his name was. He smiled politely at me and placed his fat arm on the armrest between us. I shrank back into myself, avoiding both his personal space and my mother’s voice.

  I had to get back to campus as soon as possible. But that thought brought other worries. I didn’t know what I’m going to do if that internship for the school of business didn’t come through. I can’t imagine a life of the next four years of just driving to class and then having to return home. Oh, my God. Four more years of my mother lecturing me on getting married, but being completely unable to date or meet anyone…

  Ahhhhh! I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream at this stupid awards presentation until everyone looked at me like I’m nuts. Ahhhh! Help me... Anyone.

  I looked around the auditorium, desperate for something to get my attention off my disaster of a life. Oh, there’s Seth and his family. The big womanizing jerk. Seth, my least favorite person in the whole world.

  Well, I could always date him. Hahahaha. That would shut my mother up. That would really piss off her and my dad off if I dated Seth. Even just for a little while. Wait a minute, what am I thinking? Am I willing to go that far to annoy my parents?

  “Tina, sit up straight!” my mother suddenly chastised.

  Yes. Fuck yes, I am willing to go that far. I’d date a mass murderer if it could get my mother to quit smothering my happiness at every turn. Maybe I could get Seth to pretend to date me. Just to annoy my parents. What does he care? He’s got a million girlfriends anyway. He wouldn’t even have to do anything. Just hang out with me while we are home. Who knows? Maybe it would help with his parents too. Could they be bugging him about the same thing? Probably not. Old fashioned parents like mine always said it’s just different for guys.

  The auditorium erupted in applause as one of my dad’s coworkers ambled up to the stage to pick up his award. I didn’t even know what it was for. I wasn’t paying attention. I looked around some more. There was Lindsay with her tall blond hunk. They were kissing. Damn, I need to kiss someone. I’m such a loser.

  Back in the day, I would never think such thoughts. I was such a precious little know-nothing. I was like a little robot then, obediently following my parents programming. One time, there was a boy visiting our church with his parents from Arizona. He was my age and he seemed nice. Guess I was 5 or so. Too young to even care that he was a boy.

  My father refused to let us speak together. I mean, he just refused. We sat in the same pew at church, he sat between us. We ended up going out for brunch after the service and he made sure I sat as far away as possible from the boy. It was ridiculous. But I obeyed like a good like robot. Sure daddy. Beep-bo-bip-beep.

  Listen to me. Am I angry at my folks? I guess I am. Wouldn’t anyone be? I mean, they shelter me to the point that I feel like I’m suffocating, but then expect me to get married as soon as possible. Talk about mixed messages. What do they expect? You keep me locked in a cage for years, but I only want to be free. That’s all.

  But now, in this auditorium, I feel like they’re always going to be crawling all over my life, never relenting. I know what the next move is. I see it coming a mile away.

  Mom is going to start setting me up with someone. She’s going to find one of her friends from church that has an unmarried son. He’ll be a nice little robot like me, willing to obey his parental programming and do whatever his parents say. Mom will push me into dating him and it’ll quickly become a foregone conclusion that I’ll marry him.

  And you know what? I probably would, just to get away from my parents. That’s the sick thing about it.

  My mother nudged me to sit up straight again. I didn’t want to, Mr. Stevens had fallen asleep on my other side and his large snoring mouth was leaning closer and closer to my shoulder. He was totally going to drool on me. The auditorium erupted into applause again.

  “Damn,” my father hissed under his breath. I guess he didn’t get the award he wanted.

  I looked back at Seth, was he doing the same thing? Imagining a way to annoy his parents? We made eye contact. I gave him a wave. He gave me a curious and confused wave back.

  “Who are you waving to?” demanded my mother, looking in Seth’s direction.

  “Seth.” I pointed.

  “He’s my boyfriend,” I suddenly heard myself saying.

  The look of horror on my mother’s face was worth the lie. Her eyes widened. Her narrow lips twisted in disgust. Oh God, yes. This would’ve been worth a million lies. She was floored.

  “You have a boyfriend? Seth Foster? The dirty boy from upstairs? You didn’t tell us,” she whispered.

  “Mom, the awards ceremony,” I chastised, pointing towards the stage.

  Oh, my God. This is suddenly awesome. Not only do I get to piss off my parents, I get to chastise my mother for being inattentive. Something this good has to be fattening. Hahahahaha! I haven’t laughed this much, interally or otherwise, since I left campus.

  After the ceremony, when we had left the stuffy auditorium and gone back to the cafeteria, I decided to take it to the next level. I walked straight up to Seth and his parents, my parents trailing cluelessly behind me.

  “Hey, Honey!” I greeted Seth excitedly.

  Before Seth could respond, I pushed myself into his strong arms, wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. I could feel Seth’s muscular body against mine. And although I was kind of wasting my first kiss on a prank, it felt good. It felt really good. He had the kind of rugged face I had always dreamed of kissing. His lips were soft and warm.

  I guess that kiss went on for longer than I thought because I suddenly heard my father yelling.

  “Tina! Tina! Get a hold of yourself!” he shrieked angrily. “This is my place of employment, don’t act like a slut!”

  Dad glared at Seth and then pulled me away by the arm. I smiled at Seth and he smiled at me, looking mildly confused. I mouthed the word “Thank you” as Dad pulled me out of the cafeteria. In the parking lot, he confronted me.

  “Daddy, what’s wrong?” I said innocently, looking up at him with wide eyes.

  “You are not
to speak to that boy again,” dad insisted. His face was red, and he waved his hands erratically.

  “But he’s my boyfriend, Daddy,” I said innocently, twirling a lock on my blonde hair.

  “Since when?” he demanded.

  “Well, you and Mom are always pushing me to find a husband, I thought he’d be perfect,” I said.

  Seth and his parents were on the other side of the parking lot by now getting into their car. I waved at them. “Bye, Seth. Call me.”

  “Stop it. Stop it this instant!” snapped my father. “You are never talking to that boy again.”

  “Oh, Daddy,” I laughed. “He’s our neighbor. I don’t see the problem.”

  “Maybe she’s right, dear,” said my mother weakly. “We have been pushing her to see someone.”

  “What? You’re taking her side in this?” snapped my dad, turning to glare at my mother, his hands on his hips.

  Oh, my God. Now, my parents were fighting like this? It may have been the best day of my life.

  Mom backed up a little bit and put her hands up in a pleading gesture. “I’m just saying that if he’s already her boyfriend…” she began.

  “No-no, I’m your father and I’m putting a stop to this!” vowed my dad. His face was positively crimson. “Lisa, I can’t believe you would side with those people, those Fosters, after this,” he lectured my mother.

  “I’m not siding with anyone,” she said, trying to sound reasonable. “I’m just saying…”

  “You’re just saying. You’re always just saying!” he snapped, turning away from her and heading towards our car.

  I don’t know what was better, kissing Seth or seeing my parents direct their ire at each other, and not me for once. It was incredible.

  Chapter Ten

  Seth

  Why did Tina kiss me? Has she been into me all this time? That can’t be right. I mean, the kiss was hot, but it took me by surprise. Who expects to start making out at their father’s work’s Christmas party? Crazy.