Love Don't Live Here

by Charmanie Saquea

  “Just a little parting gift from me to my favorite big brother,” she smiled.

  Neeman jumped up and hugged her as tight as he possibly could. “How the hell? Where..”

  Nadia laughed and shook her head. “Read the papers in your hand silly.”

  Neeman stood there and read the papers in his hand which were two bank statements. One in his name and one was in Nyzir’s name. It stated that each account held…

  “ONE MILLION DOLLARS!” Neeman shouted as he looked at Nadia like she was crazy.

  Nadia explained to him about the settlement that their mom never told them about and how she left them five million dollars. She explained how they each got about 1.5 million each and she used her cut of the money to buy him a brand new Benz truck that was at the dealership waiting for him to pick up whenever he was ready for it.

  She also told him that Nyzir was not to touch his money until he was eighteen years old, and it was his to do whatever he wanted with it. She had no worries because she knew Neeman wouldn’t let him blow it or use it irresponsibly.

  “Nadia, you acting like you’re about to die. You’re just going to a different state,” Neeman laughed.

  Nadia laughed with him, and she stuck her middle finger up at him. “I just wanted you to remember I’m the best sister in the world, ain’t that right Zir?”

  Nyzir looked up like he had to think about it before he shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he smiled.

  “Oh okay, I see you wanna act funny because Nemo in here. Forget the both of y’all. That’s why you two negros are going to miss me while I’m gone,” she told them.

  “Nope, your room is going to be the game room,” Nyzir told her.

  “Little boy y’all better not touch my room.”

  “Nah, we’re just playing Nadi. You know we’re going to miss you. I’m proud of you. I always said I wanted better for you and Zir. I knew you would be the one to change the cycle, and next up is this little knucklehead right here,” he said while putting Nyzir in a playful headlock.

  “Thank you, it means a lot to me. I know Mama and Daddy are smiling down right now,” she smiled. “Which reminds me, I need to make one more stop before I’m ready to go.”

  “I know you weren’t going to leave without telling me,” Marisa said as she stood in the doorway with tears streaming down her face.

  “Reese,” Nadia whined as she ran to her best friend.

  “Aw shit, here they go.” Neeman sighed.

  Marisa had told herself that she wasn’t going to cry, but she failed miserably. This would be the first time she and Nadia would be separated since they were babies, and it felt as if she was losing her left arm. They had done everything together, literally.

  They held each other’s secrets, knew each other’s deepest fears and sometimes even shared each other’s thoughts. They were really more than best friends and godsisters. They had a bond that they knew could never be broken. Blood couldn’t have possibly made them any closer.

  “I’m going to come down and visit you. I’m going to call you every day, facetime and Skype you,” Marisa said as they hugged each other tightly.

  “You better! Don’t go trying to replace me while I’m gone either because you know I don’t like sharing,” Nadia told her.

  “Never,” Marisa shook her head.

  “Cry babies,” Nyzir said.

  “Hush little boy,” Marisa laughed through her tears.

  “Group hug!” Neeman yelled as he jumped up and wrapped his arms around the girls.

  “Nemo, I can’t breathe!” Nadia laughed.

  It was at that moment that Nadia knew she was going to be alright. She knew she had to spread her wings and fly sooner or later, but it just didn’t seem right without either of her parents there to witness it, and that’s what was scaring her the most. She knew now that everything was going to be fine.

  ___

  “Hey Mommy,” Nadia said as she sat in front of her mother’s headstone. “I brought you some fresh flowers.”

  Nadia placed the flowers on the grave and sat there just staring at the words that were written on the headstone. Loving wife & mother. This was Nadia first time coming here since the day they had buried her. Every time she said she was coming to her grave she always chickened out of it. It was always too much for her to handle.

  “I know you didn’t think I was going to leave without coming to see you did you, Ms. Lady. You should know me better than that. You know, I wasn’t going to leave, but your crazy son talked some sense into me. You know how Neeman is,” Nadia chuckled.

  She could picture her mother’s face when she said that. She could hear her fussing at her.

  “I know I always wanted to go to Atlanta to school, but it just didn’t seem right without you here to experience the joy with me. We had so many things planned, and you were supposed to help me decorate my dorm and everything.”

  Nadia had to pause because she could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. She sighed to hold them back, but it didn’t seem to be working.

  “I miss you, mommy! I miss you so much. At first, I was mad at you for leaving me because you weren’t supposed to die. You were my best friend, besides Marisa and the only other person I told everything,” she said as she wiped her tears. “I’m not mad anymore though mommy. Everything happens for a reason, and I realized everything I went through was to make me stronger. Losing daddy, you, and my unborn.”

  She looked behind her and could see Neeman watching her intently from his truck. He wasn’t ready to visit their mother’s grave just yet, and she was going to force him to do so. She just appreciated the fact that he even came to the graveyard.

  “Yeah, mommy. I messed up big time, and I know you’re not too proud of it. Neither am I honestly. I didn’t mean for Mario to get mad at me. I thought he would understand, but I was obviously wrong. I know I was being selfish and because of that I lost a real good friend. They say you live, and you learn and I definitely learned my lesson with that. But anyways, I have to go, mommy. I love you, and I promise to come visit you every time I come home for a visit. I love you,” Nadia said as she blew a kiss at the picture of her mom that was on the headstone.

  She walked over to her brother’s truck while wiping her tears. He gave her faint smile as she got in.

  “You ready?” He asked.

  She thought about it for a second. “I’m ready.”

  And ready she was.

  -35-

  The first week of classes was a breeze at least that’s what Nadia was doing her hardest to convince herself of. She now knew exactly what everyone meant when they told her that college was a whole different playing field versus the ones she spent four years breezing through high school. There was no one there to pressure you to stay on top of your assignments and rarely did they even mention a due date for assignments a second time. You got a syllabus on the first day and it was up to you to keep up. Good thing for Nadia keeping up with academics was never her problem. The real struggle she was facing was being away from home. She had no one. Phone calls, text messaging, and facetime didn’t suffice anymore. She was longing to see her brothers, her best friend, and everyone else she left behind.

  Marisa did visit her which made being away from home much easier, so did Jaron. Nadia was sure his visits were going to cease since the previous weekend she told him she wanted to slow things down and really focus on school. It’s not that she didn’t want to continue to work on her relationship with Jaron, she just wasn’t going to play naïve for anyone. She was in a totally different state, and although she wanted him to be faithful she figured sooner or later he wouldn’t be. To save herself the drama and heartbreak she made the conscious decision to fall back.

  “Hey Nadia,” her roommate Chanel, called her, breaking Nadia away from her thoughts.

  Nadia adjusted the textbooks that she had clutched in her left arm before turning in Chanel’s direction.

  “Hey Chanel,” Nadia waved with her righ
t hand.

  Nadia forgot that her and Chanel’s classes ended the same time on Fridays which is why they ran into each other on their way back to the dorms. Nadia didn’t want to seem rude and keep walking so she waited for Chanel to catch up to her so that they could continue the walk together. Nadia wasn’t really into making new friends as of yet, but Chanel was cool. What made it a bit better was the fact that she too was from New York. They had that in common.

  “I’m so happy it’s Friday girl. I’m ready to just relax. I’ll probably sleep the entire weekend away. What you have planned?” Chanel asked.

  Nadia heard Chanel speaking to her. She even could have sworn she answered her. Maybe she did, but the words didn’t come out of her mouth. In fact, her words were caught in her throat, and her world had even stopped moving. At least that’s how it seemed. Nadia wanted to pretend she wasn’t seeing what she was seeing, so she kept walking toward her building with Chanel trailing behind her. She hadn’t noticed that she picked up the pace until Chanel told her.

  “Dang girl, slow down Nadia. What you running from?”

  It wasn’t a what, more like whom she was running from. Nadia was sure he didn’t see her when she spotted him, but after Chanel shouted her name out she just knew her cover was blown, and it was.

  “Nadi!”

  Hesitantly, Nadia turned toward the baritone voice. Her heart rate quickened, and she shook unnoticeably. She glanced over at Chanel and gave her a weak smile.

  “My bad Chanel, I’ll see you in the room. Let me go talk to my friend real fast.”

  Nadia didn’t wait for Chanel to respond. She turned away and shuffled in his direction. With each step, she became more nervous. With each step, she felt the urge to turn around and run. But like always she was drawn to him even though she didn’t want to be.

  “Hey,” Nadia whispered. She was now within touching distance of him, and the electricity between them was almost too much for her to bare.

  “You couldn’t say bye before you left? You changed your number and all that. That’s really how it is with us Nadi?”

  “Mario…why are you here?”

  “Come on Nadia, you know why I’m here. The way things ended between us…”

  “It’s been months, Mario. You had months to think and come to some sort of revelation. You wait till I’m gone to come pop up and interrupt things. I’ve moved on. It’s probably best you do the same,” Nadia stated.

  Mario didn’t respond. Instead, he pulled Nadia into him and pressed his lips to hers. To his surprise, Nadia didn’t put up a fight. Instead, she parted her lips and allowed Mario’s tongue to tango with hers.

  Coming up for air Mario said, “Jaron don’t make you feel like that Nadi.”

  He was right. Although Nadia and Jaron had a longer history than she and Mario did, their connection couldn’t compare. Nadia didn’t know if it was because Mario was there when she needed someone the most or because their connection was just genuinely stronger. Whatever it was she couldn’t shake Mario the way she wanted to. There she was in a complicated situation with Jaron with resurfacing feelings for Mario.

  Something deep inside was telling her to end whatever was about to happen before it began, but an even bigger part of her wanted her to explore the possibilities. She had been feeling like she shorted Mario since the abortion and thought maybe him showing up at her school was the opportunity she needed to make it up to him. Even though she felt it was the best decision for her, she was now fully aware that it was completely unfair to make the decision on her own. It wasn’t like Mario was a bad dude. She knew he would be there for her, but at that time it didn’t matter.

  “I’m not here to make you do anything you don’t want to do. I don’t wanna cause problems between you and that nigga Jaron. I honestly just want to talk to you. I think you owe me that much Nadia. A conversation and some food, you gotta eat right?”

  The little lady on her shoulder was screaming for her to go the other way, but she blocked the voice out. Slowly she made her way to the passenger side of Mario’s car. Mario smiled before climbing in the driver’s side.

  “I don’t know where shit is out here. Is there anywhere in particular you want to eat?”

  Nadia told him where she wanted to go, and he happily obliged.

  ___

  The next morning Nadia got up to go to the bathroom when she felt a strong arm around her waist. Looking behind her all the memories of last night came rushing back to her, hitting her like a ton of bricks. After going out to eat with Mario, they came back to the dorm so they could talk. Chanel was out which was even better so they could talk in private.

  Someway, somehow the conversation ended up with them kissing, and the kiss lead to their clothes being thrown around the dorm. Nadia shook her head as she eased out of Mario’s arms. This wasn’t supposed to happen she thought as she ran to the bathroom.

  It wasn’t that she didn’t still care for Mario, but she knew just by them having sex wasn’t going to resolve anything. She wouldn’t dare lie and say that it didn’t feel good to be back in his arms or even lie about missing him, but this wasn’t what she wanted.

  After taking care of her bladder and hygiene, Nadia went back out to wake up Mario. She didn’t know where Chanel was or how long she was going to stay gone, but she didn’t want her walking in to see Mario’s naked body.

  “Mario, wake up,” she said as she shook him.

  Mario groaned before turning over and opening his eyes. She picked his shorts up from the floor and threw them to him.

  “Hurry up and put those on before Chanel walks in,” she fussed.

  “What time is it?” He asked.

  “Nine thirty, why?”

  “Damn girl, it’s too early.” He grumbled as she pulled his shorts on.

  Nadia stood there biting her bottom lip. She was trying to figure out how to say what she really wanted to say without the conversation taking a turn for the worst.

  “Mario about last night, we shouldn’t have slept together. Don’t get me wrong I missed you, I really did, but by us having sex it only made things complicated for us. I mean I still care for you and everything but I…I just…”

  She couldn’t find the right words for what she wanted to say.

  “So it’s just to hell with everything we talked about last night, huh? I told you I forgive you for getting the abortion, Nadia. I also told you I understand that you’re in a…situation, but I don’t regret anything that happened last night. If it wasn’t meant for us to have sex, it wouldn’t have happened. I’m actually kind of hurt by the fact that you regret it.” He told her.

  “No, no, don’t mix my words up. I don’t regret anything, Mario. I just said it shouldn’t have happened. Things were already rocky between us and sex just made it more complicated. I love you, Mario. I really do, but I need to work on me. I still have some issues that I need to resolve before I can-”

  Her sentence was cut off by him just jumping up and going to the door. She was confused. Wait, what just happened? She asked herself.

  “I’m out,” he mumbled before opening the door.

  “Seriously Mario?” She asked, dumbfounded.

  He didn’t even bother to turn around and answer her. He was mad at himself more than her. He had fooled himself into believing that she felt the same way about him that he did for her. He laughed and shook his head as he thought about what just happened. I just got played he told himself.

  He was the one who was supposed to be sleeping with the females and sending them on their way, not the other way around. Nadia had pulled one of his own tricks on him, and he couldn’t even be mad. He had no choice, but to respect Nadia’s decision. She didn’t want to be with him, and he wasn’t going to force her to be.

  -36-

  Marisa had just walked through her door, and she was tired. She had stayed up all night studying for a test, and all she wanted to do was get in her bed and crash. Pulling up into her driveway she saw Jax’s car already p
arked, and a big smile came across her face. She had finally given in, so she and Jax were taking another shot at having a relationship. She no longer was receiving calls from his crazy ass baby mama, and they had been drama free so far.

  Walking into her house she saw him on the couch with his feet up on her coffee table smoking a blunt. Before she could even fuss at him, a breaking news report popped up on the TV. Not even bothering to stay to hear what it was she made her way towards the stairs.

  “What the fuck!” Jax yelled.

  She did an about face and went back to see what the problem was. He had turned her TV all the way up, and it was booming throughout the house.

  “What…” her sentence trailed off as she seen a picture of Jessica on the news.

  Next to her picture it said her body was found badly beating in a motel. They had a suspect in custody who called the police and said he killed her. When the police got there, he was sitting in a chair staring at her dead body lying on the ground. The police are taking him to the station for further questioning.

  Marisa repeated everything the news reporter said over in her head. She knew she didn’t care for Jessica and wanted to beat her ass herself, but she would never have wished death on her. At the end of the day, she was still Jamila’s mother and the mother of Jax’s child.

  Jax turned the volume on the TV down and turned to look at Marisa. He sat there looking at her with a blank expression.

  “Jax I’m sorry…”

  She trailed her sentence off when he held his hand up. She watched as he put his blunt out and stood up.

  “You hungry?” He asked. “I made nachos.”

  Marisa stood there confused as he walked to the kitchen all nonchalantly like he didn’t just find out that his daughter’s mother was killed. Scratching her head in bewilderment, she made her way to the kitchen.

  “Jamil, don’t play with me right now okay?” She told him.

  “What? Play about what?” He asked.

  “So you’re going to act like you didn’t just see the news?” She asked with her hands on her hips.