by B. N. Toler
“Did you sense that I kissed him?” I prayed it would stab him like a knife in his heart, just as he had done to me the day he sent me away from his house.
“I know what I sensed,” he growled through clenched teeth, ignoring my last statement.
“Oh yeah, well sense this.” I mustered up all of the “fuck you” vibes I could, which probably only looked like me straining to make a difficult bowel movement. I turned on my heel to walk away, but he began to speak.
“I…” He stopped and looked away. “I just wanted to see you guys tonight, but I thought it was best to see you from a distance.”
“You were following me?”
“No. I mean, I didn’t mean to.”
“You were following me.” I stated it this time. “If you had just wanted to see us you could have come by the house. Why are you here?” Both of us breathed heavily and my blood pressure felt like it was through the roof.
Thomas kicked the ground. “Because...” He stopped and looked to the ground as if searching for his next words. “I’m going to beat the shit out of this guy.” He started back towards the car, never finishing his answer.
“Thomas, no!” I tried to grab him.
“Aldo?” Whit called from the porch. “What’s going on?” His date stood on the porch beside him. I shot a look at Thomas to act right.
“Nothing, uh, Thomas just came to say hi,” I yelled back calmly.
“Thomas?” Whit called.
“Uh, hey Whit man.” Thomas tried to sound cool, glaring at me as he did.
“Hey, where have you been?” Whit started towards the porch steps.
“Whit, Thomas and I are having a quick chat. Can he come inside in a minute and talk to you?”
His steps stopped. “Yeah, but dude, come in and have a shot with us, okay?”
“Yeah, in a minute,” Thomas promised.
“Yeah, that’s like my adopted brother,” Whit explained to his date as they went back inside.
“You’ve been drinking?” Thomas scoffed at me.
“And if I have?” I raised my chin.
“Aldo, you’re eighteen and that’s just begging for something to happen.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I stepped towards him.
“What?”
“You’re going to come here and lecture me?”
“You obviously need it.”
“Thomas, I’ve made it eighteen years without a father, and I’m pretty sure I don’t need you stepping in to be one.”
“So you think I’m trying to act like your father?” He laughed like I was being ridiculous.
“What exactly are you trying to be, Thomas?” I calmed my voice.
Silence loomed momentarily. “I’m trying to be—”
“I think you’re trying to act like you give a shit.” I crossed my arms and we stood silent for a moment. I didn’t know what to say next, but I figured it was his turn, so I refused to speak until he did. His absence those past few weeks hurt so much. Why was he here? Why would he follow me? “I can take care of myself, Thomas. You know that.” I broke my vow of silence and spoke calmly.
“He was all over you. I had no choice.”
“How do you know I didn’t want him all over me?” I tried to hit him where it hurts.
“Because I could feel you,” he whispered, and I felt the intensity in his voice as he stepped towards me. Then there was that pull, that intrinsic magnetism, that draw that I always fought when Thomas was near. “I can feel everything you feel.” He stepped towards me, and our bodies were as close as they could be without touching. My body torqued towards him and my heart felt as if it would pound out of my chest. “Sometimes, I think I’m tethered to you.” His words crashed over me, cooling the rage within me.
My inner self swooned at his words momentarily, than slapped herself hard across the face, and cut me a, you’re next if you don’t get your shit together, glare. I swallowed the giant lump in my throat.
“Oh, really?” I asked angrily. “Obviously you’re not or you would have felt how heartbroken I’ve been these last few weeks.” My voice cracked, and I fought the urge to cry.
Thomas stared at me, speechless.
“Why do you care? You know I can handle situations like that, so why get involved?”
“I just reacted, Aldo. I’m sorry. I guess I should’ve stood by while some little dweeb had his hands all over you and his tongue down your throat?” He stepped closer to me, looking down to me, which forced me to step back. There was no regret or remorse for what happened in his eyes. Thomas knew deep down that Wyatt, while very inappropriate in his behavior, was no harm to me. He wanted to hurt Wyatt because he was jealous.
“You know, this is bull-shit.” My voice cracked as my good old friend, the Texas lump rose back into my throat.
“What is?” As if he had no idea what I was talking about.
“This. You don’t want me!” I yelled. “You can’t come into my life and drain a guy who shows interest in me. It’s not fair.” I lost all ability to control my emotions and started crying. Thomas stood, still as a statue, and watched me unravel. “You know I love you. I always have. I want you. You, Thomas!” I wiped the tears from my cheeks and continued. “You’re dating people and living your life, so why interfere with mine?”
“Aldo, I—”
“You can’t just come and go as you please and keep me all to yourself. Either you want me or you don’t. If you’re only my friend, then fine. But that’s it. You don’t get to interfere. It’s not fair.” I interrupted him.
He stepped towards me, his eyes riddled with sadness. When I backed away, he stopped, his eyes widened with shock and I could tell he was hurt by this.
“Aldo, you don’t understand,” he said softly.
“No. I do,” I responded more calmly. “You can’t be with me, right?” I laughed. “I’m too young, right?”
“Aldo.” He stepped towards me again.
“Don’t.” I held my hand up. “I love you,” I whispered. “But I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It hurts too much.”
Thomas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Go home, Thomas. You only break my heart.” I walked up the stairs and never turned back to see whether he left or not. By the time I got Whit and Hudson and came back outside, Thomas was gone. I left Wyatt in his car, figuring Lila would get him.
“What happened with Thomas?” Whit asked on the way home.
I smiled and acted as if everything was okay. “Nothing, he just wanted to say hi.” I shrugged.
“Right.” Whit rolled his eyes. I didn’t see him do it, but I knew he did.
I told Lucy the evening was lovely, which it was, for the most part. It made her happy because we weren’t the only ones excited about a little normalcy.
I cried while I peeled my dress off and hung it in my closet. I quickly dressed in a lacy pajama top and boy shorts when I realized there was only one way to get over Thomas. I had to leave him behind. Maybe with distance I could forget him. Deep down I knew I never could, but I had to do something. I climbed into bed feeling lost. I was ready to leave for college, even if that meant leaving Thomas. I cried myself to sleep, holding my pillow, praying that time would fly by.
My dreams came fast that night, and before I knew it, I was at my lake. My lake was dark and still, numb like I felt. I lay back in the soft, green grass, letting the sun touch my skin, wishing I could stay there forever, alone in the quiet. My mind kept trying to create a board, to decipher information, but I stopped it. I had no desire to look through other people’s lives. A light breeze blew, making the trees dance. I loved that sound. I stood up, letting the wind kiss my skin and I closed my eyes inhaling deeply.
As I stood, I felt a presence. It stood as close to me as it could without touching me. I couldn’t really tell if I brought him in or if he was really there. It didn’t matter at that point.
“I’m sorry.” Thomas
spoke softly.
I remained silent, unsure of what to expect.
“I never meant to hurt you. I was trying to protect you.”
“From what?”
“You’re so young. You shouldn’t have trusted me so easily.”
I turned and faced him. Our eyes met, and my heart beat faster. “What do you mean?”
“Aldo, you’re eighteen years old. I’m almost twenty-six. You have prom and college and friends. You deserve to be young and free, but it’s dangerous for a girl like you. Lucy was right to teach you to be cautious of people.”
“What are you talking about, Thomas?”
“I don’t know. I’m just saying, I’m older than you and you still have a lot of things to do. Things young people do.”
“It’s all going through the motions, ya know. I wanted those experiences, but it was mostly because that’s what everyone says you are supposed to have. I couldn’t have what I really want.”
“Which is?”
“You, Thomas.” I turned away from him. The admission pained me because I had felt it for so long. But it didn’t matter. I would never get it.
He placed his hands on my arms, forcing me to face him. “Aldo, I’m not good for you.
“I don’t care.” A tear slid down my cheek. “I want you anyway.”
He inhaled deeply, as if arguing with his inner self. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
“I don’t care,” I repeated again. “I love you.”
“I don’t deserve it.” He looked at me sadly.
We stared into each other’s eyes, and then he leaned in and kissed me gently. My body seemed to go limp in his arms. We pulled apart for a moment, and he looked at me in a way he never had before. His eyes were dark and hungry. It was the first time he saw me as a woman and not a child. It was the way I had prayed he would see me.
He gently slipped the straps of my nightgown my subconscious has dressed me in off of my shoulders, and it fell to the ground pooling around my ankles. Thomas stood back and looked at me. “You are magnificent,” he whispered.
“Touch me,” I ordered him.
“Aldo, maybe we should wait,” he sighed, second guessing what he had already set in motion.
“No,” I argued. “This is my dream. Maybe it doesn’t count this way, but I still want this. I want you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I moved towards him. I pulled his shirt over his head. His chest and shoulders were broad, and swollen, hard as stone. I ran my hands up his forearms, over his shoulders, until they stopped, centered on his chest. These were my hands, touching him this way. I was in disbelief.
He must have noted my expression because he asked, “What?”
“Nothing, you just feel good.”
He placed his hands on my sides and pressed into me. My skin tingled as my bare body touched his, and as we kissed again, our passion intensified. He picked me up, and I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to the bed I created, a beautiful, soft bed with a cast iron head board and white linens, covered with white rose petals. The kind of bed every girl should lose her virginity on. He lay me down gently, and climbed on top of me, kissing my thigh, and my stomach, working his way up.
I trembled, scared and excited all at once as his hands pressed into me and slowly slid up my body.
He feathered my neck with soft kisses before he made his way down to my breasts where he teased my nipples with short torturous flicks of his tongue. Goose bumps covered my body as desire consumed me. I ran my fingers through his hair, fisting handfuls from time to time before running my hands up and down his shoulders, memorizing each curve. His kisses trailed slowly down my body, over my belly, and between my legs, where he stopped and blew softly on my wet flesh.
His tongue cut into me, moving like a soft blade of steel between the folds of my sex. I was moaning and panting, not really understanding what was happening to me as he continued.
He maintained a rhythm of perfect flicks, building me higher and higher, when he stopped, leaving me spiraling. My nerves seemed to seize my body as I watched him remove his jeans and boxers. This was it. My virginity would no longer exist after tonight. I scolded myself at the thought. This was a dream. I would experience this moment with the man I love and still be virtuous in real life. I couldn’t help but giggle at the beautiful irony.
“Are you sure?” Thomas asked.
“Thomas, it’s a dream. We get to do this and still not have done it.” I smiled at how weird that sounded.
“True.” He shrugged. “I guess it will be good practice for the real thing, right?”
“Yeah.” I smiled.
With that, he slowly crawled back on the bed, and his body hovered over me, taunting me as I waited eagerly for his entrance. His eyes were dark, dangerous almost.
I gazed up at him and wondered, is this what passion looks like in Thomas’s eyes?
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this.” His voice was deep, throaty.
“I think I do.”
“Are you sure?” he asked again.
“Yes, please. I need you,” I whispered back as I placed my hands on the sides of his face. “Love me,” I whispered.
Suddenly, he slid inside me, and I felt sharpness, like a stabbing, ripping pain. I yelped, in surprise.
“I’m sorry,” Thomas whispered as he paused, tensing.
“It’s okay. I guess I feel pain because that’s what everyone says losing your virginity feels like.” I smiled. “Just go slow, please.”
“Of course, sweets.” He kissed my forehead gently and very slowly moved out and back in.
I tried to relax, willing the discomfort away.
“We can stop.”
“No. I want this.”
He exhaled loudly and moved again, very slowly. As he continued his slow rhythm, I realized the pain may not stop this time. The pain felt good on an emotional level, because this was me giving myself to him.
“I promise to be a better man from this day on.” He gazed into my eyes.
“You are a good man, Thomas,” I whispered back.
“You make me want to be a better man.”
“Faster,” I whispered. Thomas began to move faster, his lean body sliding over me, driving me crazy.
His breathing became more rapid. “Aldo.” He moaned my name and my body reacted as if I had been shocked. I raised my hips, meeting his thrusts, begging for more of him deeper inside of me.
His back moistened with sweat and his energy was off the charts. In a most unexpected move, he pulled energy from me. My body lifted to his, involuntarily, and suddenly, he pushed back, his energy slammed me back into the bed again. He continued this several times and each time I would melt into him, my body evaporated by his, only to be poured back out again. My body was his and under his complete control. With one last major pull, I thought I would pass out, and suddenly, he pushed hard and fast, and he released into me, moaning my name. Flooded with sheer ecstasy, I was a puddle of a young woman that had just been undone. He lay on me, panting, his head positioned on my sternum so that his mouth was millimeters away from my breast. His hot, moist, breath tickled my nipple, sending shocks though my body.
All of a sudden, all of the happiness, fear, excitement, and joy bubbled up inside of me and I burst into tears.
“What’s wrong?” Thomas asked, sitting up quickly. “Did I hurt you?” Panic in his voice.
“I’m just so happy.” I smiled though my tears.
“So am I, sweet girl,” he whispered, kissing me gently, while he rubbed away a tear with his thumb.
We lay for some time, silent, wrapped around one another in the mess of sheets. The lake was still, flat as glass, as spouts of fog drifted across it like ghosts. No words were needed. I felt his energy—soft—calm. Safe. It was the happiest moment of my life.
We went swimming, and held each other in the warm water, basking in the afterglow of our lovemaking. I shifted the day to night a
nd blanketed the sky with stars, the moon bathing us in its light.
“You’re amazing,” he smiled, gazing into the sky. “I’ve wanted this for so long,” he confessed as he kissed me gently.
“Do you have plans tomorrow?” I hoped he would come over and spend time with us.
“I have something to take care of,” he said in a distant way, and his expression seemed odd.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, just something I have to do.” He kissed my shoulder. “You. Are. Amazing.”
“Was it….” I paused, looking for the right word, “good?” I finished.
He kissed me gently. “It was amazing. Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?”
“For picking me.”
“I prayed it would be you.”
“We should agree on something, though, Aldo.” He kissed my shoulder again. “This was amazing—”
“Agreed!”
“Not what I meant.” He grinned.
“Oh.”
“I think it’s time for me to be on my own for a while. You know, separate from Lucas.”
“So come to Virginia with us.”
“Virginia?”
“Yeah, Virginia Tech.”
“Oh, college.” He nodded like he had just remembered. “I forgot about that. No, I can’t. I need to be on my own.”
“So, you won’t be able to come and visit me there?” I fought the urge to cry.
“Well, what if you come with me?”
I stared at him for a moment, unsure of how to react. “I don’t think Lucy would let—”
“You’re eighteen now,” he interrupted me. “Lucy can’t tell you what to do anymore.”
I pulled away from him. “Yeah, but what about my brothers? I can’t leave them.”
Thomas took my hand and kissed each finger gently, pulling me back to him. “They’ll be in college. Busy with girls and frat parties. They won’t even notice you’re gone.”
I turned my face from his, hurt by his words, as if he thought I meant so little to them.
“I’m sorry. That came out wrong.” He shook his head. “Look, I’ve fought this, the idea of being with you for this reason in part. I knew the day would come when we would have to separate. I can’t do that now. I need you.” My heart melted with his words.
