The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Yeah, but I’m not. I haven’t even been on a pony ride since I was three.”

  “I’ll show you what to do. Just follow my lead,” he said patiently.

  What followed was more or less the comedy of errors you would expect. I managed to get into the saddle on my first try. Being a vampire definitely had its perks from the physical side of things. However, the three mile trek to the Khan’s settlement took several times longer than it probably should have. Bang and Cheng-gong thought the entire thing was hilarious. James and Nergui, on the other hand, traded glances that ranged from embarrassment to outright disgust.

  Finally, lest we spend all night wandering aimlessly due to my inability to control a stupid nag, Nergui grabbed the reins from me and led my horse along. Sure, it was a little mortifying, but then again, I’d like to see him try and figure out the NYC subway system on his first try. That’d show him.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I had mentioned a while back that I had felt like I had stepped into an Indiana Jones movie. Now, I felt like I was on Tatooine. The Khan’s setup looked like something you’d expect to find Jabba the Hutt living in. The settlement was similar, if considerably larger, than the one I had just come from, with one exception. In the middle of it, surrounded by many smaller tents, was a gigantic ornate one. It looked like a portable palace, and I really mean portable. The thing was on wheels as if someone had decided to turn it into its own self-contained wagon-train.

  James saw my look of awe as we arrived and commented, “Even in this day and age, it’s something to behold, isn’t it? Takes an entire herd of oxen to pull it, but it allows the Khan’s base of operations to remain mobile.”

  “A moving target?” I suggested.

  “An apt description. The way things are going, I’d say that’s probably a wise way to look at it.”

  We finally dismounted. Thank goodness! Hopefully my vampiric healing would quickly take care of all the sores on my ass from the ride over.

  Nergui and his loquacious friends went ahead of us into the main tent. James held me back to help him tie up the horses – a task that I was absolutely useless at, by the way.

  “They’ll go in and take their seats of honor,” James explained, motioning in the direction his three companions had gone. “You’ll stay with me. As you are technically under my jurisdiction, you’ll follow my lead, and in turn I’ll translate for you.”

  “I take it the Khan doesn’t speak English.”

  “Only a few words,” he confirmed. “The Khan is not a fan of the various Western languages. He considers them crude and inelegant.”

  “Heh. That sounds to me like...”

  “No. That sounds to me like you still need to watch your mouth. Everyone in there is loyal to the Khan, absolutely loyal. Plenty of them speak English and would be more than happy to translate any stupid comment that comes out of your mouth. I will remind you that you are in the presence of one of the thirteen ruling vampires. They are not known for either their generosity or their willingness to suffer fools.”

  “Noted.” Seemed like the only safe answer to give. I just hoped my mouth could keep it in neutral for the time being.

  “Good. Now follow my lead. Bow when I bow, and only speak to the Khan if he asks you a question first. Got it?”

  “Roger that, chief,” I replied with a brisk mock salute.

  James sighed. “God help us both.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We approached the entrance to find several unfriendly looking guards blocking the way. James bowed, and I did likewise after he gave me a quick glare. He then said something in Chinese, at which the guards parted and let us through.

  Gotta say, considering the guy lived in a tent, the Khan had a pretty swank setup. The entrance hall was lined in multiple layers of what looked like silk. Ornately carved tables covered in various bits of antiquity stood against the walls. I wasn’t sure what all of them were, but each and every item looked like it cost more than I’d made in my first lifetime. Gold, silver, ivory, and more gems than I could name stared out at me from statues, sculptures, and vases of varying size. If I had a little bit more skill, and slightly stickier fingers, I could have financed my parents’ retirement with just one bauble.

  We came to the end of the hall, where more guards awaited. They stepped aside, pulling back a heavy drapery to allow us entrance to the main area. James stopped just inside and bade me to do the same. “Wait until he calls for us,” he whispered as I took it all in.

  The place was larger on the inside than I thought it would be. There were two rows of tables, separated by several feet of walkway that led up the middle. Vampires, or at least so I assumed, were seated on expensive looking pillows in front of the tables. All in all, there must have been at least four dozen of them present, and they were all feasting on a variety of foods, some normal ... some not so. I saw plenty of fruit, a couple of cooked pigs, some goats, and a few other roasted things that I’d prefer not to think about. Suffice it to say, if any of you were missing friends or relatives who happened to be visiting China at the time of their disappearance, well, I have bad news for you ... I think I found them.

  At the far end of the hall, seated upon a massive pile of pillows, was who I assumed to be the Khan. Heh! I had mentioned Jabba the Hutt before, but now I was reminded of him more than ever. The Khan was, to put it mildly, one big fat fuck. I mean, before I had hopped on the plane, or my box as it were, I had looked up Ogedei Khan on the Internet. A few portraits showed that he wasn’t exactly a svelte fellow, but this dude ... damn! Somebody was really into their Khandy (get it!).

  On the other hand, I couldn’t help but feel a little bit of happiness at seeing him. At long last, I had met another vampire whom I could feel physically superior to, looks-wise at least. Seriously, this guy had to be pushing six hundred easily. I’ve seen sumo wrestlers who would weep at trying to manhandle this butterball.

  Seated next to his royal porkness, at the head of the table, was a little midget dressed in fine robes. Hmmm, guess the Khan had his own fetishes.

  No. Wait, it wasn’t a midget. On closer look, it was actually a little girl. She was dressed in regal finery and appeared to be not much older than ten. Oh crap. I really hoped she wasn’t meant to be the Khan’s personal appetizer. Not sure I could sit still and watch that.

  “Who’s that?” I whispered to James while we waited for the Khan to acknowledge us. I secretly hoped his answer didn’t include the word dinner.

  “The Khan, obviously,” he whispered back.

  “No. The little girl.”

  “Oh, her? That’s the Khan’s daughter.”

  “Vampires can have kids?” I sputtered. “Damn, wish I had known that. I didn’t use a condom earlier.”

  “Once again, more information than I really wanted to know,” he hissed through gritted teeth. “Now please be quiet before you insult the Khan and get both of us killed.”

  Oh yeah, almost forgot about that part. From what I had been told, the Draculas were not a group to fuck around with. You stepped even an inch out of line with them and you were dust. Forget about surviving the night. Inwardly, I wondered if I was going to survive the next five minutes. Pissing people off was a specialty of mine and something I tended to do whether or not I was even trying. Oh well, if things went bad, I had several dozen one-liners I could spout off to Moby Dickhead up front there. If I had to go, might as well go out with style.

  After a few minutes of pointedly ignoring us, probably some stupid ceremonial thing to remind us who was higher on the food chain, Nergui stepped forward and addressed the Khan in his native language (or so I assumed. Not like I could tell one foreign dialect from another). When he was done, he gestured toward us.

  “This is it,” whispered James. I glanced over out of the corner of my eye and noticed a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead. Guess my reputation for being a wise-ass preceded me.

  The Khan dismissed Nergui and said something in our general direction. The crowd
fell silent and all eyes turned toward us. Ignoring the voice in my head that was telling me now was the perfect time to start screaming, “Yeah! It’s me, the fucking Freewill, bitches!” I instead waited for James’s lead. A moment later, he began slowly walking up the main aisle toward the Khan. I attempted to match his step and followed.

  When we got about two-thirds of the way there, he stopped and bowed deeply. He then stepped aside, and I did the same. Nobody could say I didn’t at least try to start the evening off on the right note. Once I was done, the Khan nodded his head ever so slightly. That was a good sign, I think. Probably should have boned up on my ancient Mongolian vampire customs before I shipped out. The Khan then said something to James which he, in turn, translated.

  “The Khan, esteemed member of the First Coven and Shadow Lord of Asia (oh brother!), welcomes you as his honored guest.” He then paused while giving me a look that said I was expected to answer.

  “The honor is all mine, great Khan,” was my reply. “Oh yeah, and Captain Kirk totally owned your ass!”

  Okay, I didn’t say that last part out loud. I’m not that suicidal.

  A small look of relief crossed James’s face and he relayed my answer back to the Khan. There was another brief exchange, and James again translated.

  “You are invited to enjoy the feast and all the hospitality the Khan has to offer. Once it is done, you will be called forward again.”

  Called forward? For what? Did he want an autograph? Or maybe he wanted to give me one. “To my biggest fan, keep on rocking! Your bud, the Khan.”

  Before I could say anything, though, James turned back toward the Khan and again bowed. That was apparently my cue to do the same. Once it was done, the conversation amongst the vampire crowd immediately resumed, and James led me off to the side where a space had been left for us.

  We sat down, and almost immediately a servant placed a large full wine cup into my hand. Now why couldn’t I get service like this back in the city?

  “Why are they calling me back up later?” I asked James.

  “Don’t worry about it. Probably nothing,” he said dismissively as he started to eat.

  Oh well, when in Rome ... I took a sip of my drink. Whoa! Good shit! Something familiar tasting about it, though. “What is this stuff?”

  “Fermented blood, of course.”

  Oh, of course.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The feast was pretty damn nice. I helped myself to plenty of the blood wine, as well as my fair share of goat and pork. I declined, however, from partaking in the roasted humans. I may be a vampire, but there were limits as to how creepy I was willing to get. That shit definitely crossed the line. Still, aside from that one little detail, it was all good.

  During the course of the meal, a few other vampires introduced themselves through James. I didn’t really get a lot of names, though. For starters, I’m not good with that kind of thing, even worse when I’m being told third person. Secondly, the fermented blood had given me a pretty nice buzz. After a while, the faces sort of became one blur after the other.

  That was, until a small voice said from behind me, “So this is the Freewill? I thought he would be taller.”

  I turned to find the small girl from before, the Khan’s daughter, staring back at me. When she grew up, she was going to be a real looker. For now, though, she was cute as a button with silky black hair and inquisitive green eyes.

  “Ah! What an honor,” James said, turning around to face her. He stood up and bade me do the same. “I would like to introduce her highness, Gansetseg.”

  The girl inclined her head to James, and then asked, “So you are the one the Wanderer calls Dr. Death?”

  “It’s more of a nickname than anything else. My name’s Bill.”

  “Bill...” she said, as if tasting the word in her mouth. “A simple but strong name, although perhaps Dr. Death is a more fitting title for one such as you.”

  “You speak really good English,” I pointed out.

  “Thank you. My father, though having no love of the Western world himself, has insisted that my education be thorough.”

  “A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” I said glibly, noticing out of the corner of my eye the slight eye-roll James made. Oh crap, I was doing it again. Best to wrap this up quickly before any further stupidity escaped my lips. “Well, it was very nice to meet you, Gan.”

  “Gan?” she asked, a confused look on her face. “I do not understand. Is this meant as some sort of insult?” Uh oh.

  “No!” I quickly answered. “It’s just a nickname. I mean, where I come from we usually shorten each other’s names to something simple. It’s a compliment ... a form of friendship,” I sputtered, hoping I hadn’t just dug my own grave with my stupid mouth.

  She thought about this for a moment and then gave what appeared to be a genuine smile. “A curious custom. We would never do that here. But yes, I think I like it. It is nice to meet you, too.” She flashed me a big grin and walked back toward her father.

  “Cute kid,” I remarked to James.

  “Yes, well that kid is three-hundred years old. You’re lucky. That could have gone badly. Gansetseg is known to be temperamental. Instead, though, I think you actually made an impression upon her.”

  “Three-hundred years?” I gasped, spewing some blood wine. “Has she always looked...”

  “Yes,” James answered evenly. “That’s the way it works with our kind. You had asked before if we can have children. The answer is both yes and no. Despite his immortality, the Khan has always kept his mortal family close. Gansetseg is actually something like his great-great-granddaughter. She was a favorite of his. When she was bitten by a poisonous snake shortly after her twelfth birthday, the Khan couldn’t bear to see her die. He turned her and then adopted her. She’s been with him ever since.”

  “And she’ll look like that forever?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

  “Yes. She is an ancient and wise woman trapped in the body of a child.”

  “Whoa,” I said.

  “Yes, whoa is a particularly apt answer for that.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We finished the feast. There were a lot of happy, content, and partially drunk vampires seated in the dining hall. A few more glasses of the blood and I was going to start putting my arms around random vamps, doing the whole “I love you, man!” thing. I reflected back and realized that this had ended up becoming one hell of a fine day. Who’d have thought it? A few days ago, I was feeling at my lowest. Now, I was the honored guest of a living piece of history ... oh, and did I mention the boatloads of sex I had earlier? Because if I didn’t, I’d be happy to go into detail. Yeah, it was a pretty damn good day.

  Which, of course, meant that it was time for the shit to hit the fan. Such was my life. Whenever the good times lasted too long, I knew I should put on my raincoat and head into the storm cellar because some nastiness was, no doubt, coming my way.

  As we sat around mellowing out, the Khan clapped his hands. Servants appeared from the shadows and quickly cleared the food from the tables. They then removed the tables themselves. Hmm, something about this reminded me of a scene out of the Mortal Kombat movie.

  The Khan barked some orders and, once more, the crowd fell silent. This was a guy used to getting what he wanted although, judging from the size of him, what he usually wanted most was more pie. He then glanced at me and said something else. James turned toward me and said, “It’s time. Back into the spotlight you go.”

  We both started to rise, but then I heard Gan’s voice chime in. She said something to her father in Chinese. After a moment, he nodded back. She then said in English, “No, Wanderer. The Freewill will face his tests alone.”