The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  As we continued bickering, a small part of my brain couldn’t help but notice that there we were, the fate of the world in the balance, and the most important thing on any of our minds was who was secretly dating whom – like some fucked up episode of Friends.

  Goddamn, the world was so screwed.

  Strangers in the Night

  The show over – for now at least – Nergui showed us to our hut. Yes, they intended for us all to share one. None of us was particularly happy with that, especially Sally. When she found out, she opened her handbag and produced a very familiar looking weapon: a Desert Eagle. Technically speaking, vampires – at least those in New York City – weren’t supposed to be armed. It was a clause in some back-alley agreement we have with the NYPD. Sally, however, wasn’t one to let silly things like rules get in her way.

  Brandishing the handgun, which looked comically large in her petite hands, she said, “I don’t give warning shots, just in case anyone gets any funny ideas about stealing my virtue.”

  “Stealing? I was pretty sure I could buy it with a fiver.” Before she could comment, or shoot me in the leg for my troubles, I added, “Jeez, am I the only one here who isn’t packing?”

  “I’m with you, Bill,” Tom replied. “I’m more of a lover than a fighter anyway. Speaking of which...” He started waving toward the left. I looked in that direction and saw a small group of white-robed figures. One of them looked toward us, raised her hand in return, and then came running in our direction – Christy.

  “When did you get in, babe?” Tom asked once she had reached us.

  “A few days ago. We’ve been communing since then,” she said, whatever the fuck that meant.

  “Nice outfit,” he said in a suggestive tone.

  “We really should be sky-clad, but it’s kind of cold.”

  “Ooh, sky-clad. I could get into that. Maybe we should do some communing of our own.”

  “Getting ready to puke here,” Sally snapped.

  Christy and Tom, being the overly cute couple that they were – she was cute and the addition of Tom made them a couple – ignored her.

  “Sorry, hon. Remember the rules. No fraternizing.”

  “That sucks,” he replied in a sulking tone.

  “Although,” she added, “If we just happen to bump into each other out in the woods...”

  “Really getting ready to puke now!” Sally snarled. To add further emphasis to her annoyance, she cocked the hammer on her weapon with an audible click.

  Not wanting to get in the middle of a gun and magic battle, I went over to Tom and grabbed him by the shoulder. “He’ll meet you later, Christy. We gotta go get settled now.”

  If she was irked by this, she didn’t show it. Instead, she blew her boyfriend a kiss, then turned to rejoin her own group.

  I let out a sigh. Things were going to be difficult enough without having to worry about Tom sneaking off for a magical booty call.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The hut smelled every bit as bad as it looked, which is to say it smelled about as good as the creatures playing host to this clusterfuck. Comfort-wise, well I had passed out on my fair share of floors during my college years, so I could deal. Sally was another matter entirely. She convinced Nergui to find her something with which to partition off a little area for herself. After he had done so, she gave us one last warning to stay out of her side. Well, okay, she actually gave Tom and me a warning. Ed was conspicuously absent from her venom. Before he got any bright ideas, though, I gave him a quick, “That means you, too.”

  Our bags were unceremoniously deposited outside our dwelling a short while later. Thus armed with at least clean underwear, we all decided to turn in. The next day was most likely going to be a long one.

  “Goodnight, boys,” Sally said from behind the divider.

  “Are you naked over there?” I called back, eliciting chuckles from my roommates. Her response was another dry click of a hammer being cocked. “Err, I meant, goodnight, Sally.”

  With that, we all settled in for some much needed rest. Uncomfortable though it might have been, I didn’t have much problem sacking out. I had long gotten used to the idea of getting some shuteye in the face of impending doom. Thus I slept fairly well ... at least, until I was awoken by something covering my mouth.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I jolted awake and instinctively raised my hands to pry off whoever was attacking me, but they had me in a grip that felt like iron.

  “Be quiet,” a voice whispered.

  I blinked and saw a hooded figure standing over me. I couldn’t tell who it was. The darkness wasn’t the issue, though. Unfortunately, I wasn’t wearing my glasses, so the person’s face was little more than a blurry blob. Damn the peculiarities of vampire healing. I could grow back lost limbs, but God forbid I got twenty-twenty vision out of the deal.

  I stopped struggling and nodded. The figure released me and I quickly reached over and put on my glasses. “Alex?”

  “Obviously. Now please keep your voice down.”

  I sat up and immediately felt a little woozy. I sniffed the air. “What...”

  “A special incense to keep your friends asleep. Do not worry, it wears off quickly.”

  “Why?”

  “The less who know I am here, the better. Regardless, we must still keep our voices down. I do not think I need remind you that we are surrounded by creatures with exceptionally acute senses.”

  The whole secrecy thing was feeling a little fishy to me. I eyed him warily as I said, “I spoke with both James and François. Neither of them had any idea who you are.”

  “That is because neither of them has been told about my identity.”

  “Because?”

  “Because the First do not answer to them. I am their agent and theirs alone. If they wish others to know about me, then they do. If not, then others remain ignorant of the fact.”

  “But I thought you were their special envoy for these talks,” I replied somewhat accusingly.

  “I was.”

  “Was?”

  “Yes. I was to officially arrive with the rest of my party.”

  “The rest ... you mean the group that disappeared?”

  “The same. Some of the finest negotiators this planet has ever seen, each one hand selected by the First.”

  “Didn’t they have bodyguards?”

  “Of course. Do not be foolish. Yet, escorted or not, the fact remains that they have met with an unforeseen fate.”

  “What do you think happened?”

  “I am not sure we shall ever know. However, the details are not important. What matters is that they are in all likelihood dead.”

  “And François has conveniently replaced them with his own people,” I added.

  “You are not nearly old enough to be accusing a vampire of François’s status of anything. You should know that before you open your mouth in front of other company. I will allow, though, that it is suspiciously convenient.”

  “Okay, but you’re still alive. Why don’t you introduce yourself and confront him?”

  “I am afraid things are not that simple. We cannot afford to let any schisms show within our ranks. The Grendel would pounce upon that. Besides, I do not know what François is planning. If he is indeed behind the missing ambassadors, then I have little doubt he will attempt to have me meet the same fate.”

  “That sounds a lot like an accusation right there. I thought you said we weren’t allowed to do that.”

  “No,” he replied with a grin. “I said that you were not.”

  “Fine, so what then? Am I supposed to just go into this meeting and smile like an idiot while his team sells us out?”

  “I very much doubt they will be selling us out. Then again, I also do not doubt that whatever is bargained will be in François’s favor.”

  “Not to mention, if his own people successfully hash out a peace plan, then that pretty much guarantees him a lock on joining the Drac ... First Coven.”

  Alex’s
weird eyes opened wide in surprise. “You know about that?”

  “I hear things,” I coyly replied.

  “So it would seem. You are correct in your assumption. At the moment, François is holding a very strong hand.”

  “So what do we do?”

  “We stack the deck, of course. We put a joker in amongst the aces.”

  “Why do I have a feeling that I’m the joker here?”

  “My apologies, Freewill, but it is a necessary evil.”

  “I seem to get that a lot,” I said with a sigh. Oh well, it’s not as if I expected this to be easy. “What do you need me to do?”

  “You are officially no longer a figurehead.”

  “Huh?”

  “You heard me. Your mission was to go along with whatever our people negotiated, but that was before any peculiarities transpired. As an agent of the First, I wield their authority. Thus, within these proceedings, by way of your status as Freewill, I say you are now officially in charge.”

  “Oh, no...”

  “Oh, yes. As representative of the vampire nation, and chosen of the First Coven, your word is law.”

  “But...”

  “Thus, if you choose to go against the recommendations of François’s advisory staff, they will be powerless to contradict you.”

  “But I’m not a diplomat,” I protested. “Hell, I can’t even get them to drop the charges when I’m a day late returning a DVD.”

  “No, you are not. Based on what I have heard, though, along with my own observations, you are a decent person – a rarity in our world. Do you wish to see war erupt between our two species?”

  “No. I mean, Tom might get a kick out of it, but...”

  “And do you wish for our kind to be subjugated beneath the heels of the Grendel?”

  “Nope, that would suck.”

  “There you have it. Aim for the first, but ensure you do not give up enough for the second.”

  “But what about...”

  Again, he interrupted me. It was starting to get annoying. “I will be working from the shadows to uncover the treachery that has been wrought. If it can be brought to light, it could count toward a great deal. Rest assured, though, I will also be providing you assistance as I am able. Should you go too far astray, I shall be there to guide you back. You also have another you can call upon.”

  “Please don’t say ‘Sally.’”

  “Sadly, I get the impression that diplomacy is not her best facet. No, I am speaking of another. The one called the Wanderer is expected to be in attendance for tomorrow’s opening remarks.”

  “James? That’s cool and all, but he told me he can’t get involved.”

  “Correct. He cannot take a direct stance in these matters. However, he can openly advise you where I cannot. His wisdom is sound, make use of it.”

  “But...”

  “But nothing! I speak for the First. I have conveyed to you their will. To do otherwise would...”

  Now it was my turn to interrupt. “Let me guess: to do otherwise would end badly for me. Trust me, I know the drill.”

  Continental Breakfast

  I should’ve asked Alex to leave me some of that special incense. Hell, I should’ve packed a few joints and a couple of liters of Jack for this goddamned trip. It’s a good thing my vampire body required less rest, because I sure as shit didn’t get back to sleep after Alex slipped away into the ... well, day I guess. Hope he was wearing some sunscreen under that hood.

  As for me, I put my arms behind my head and just lay there staring at the ceiling, listening to my hut-mates breathing (damn, who’d a guessed it ... Sally snored), and wondering if any passing asteroids might be so kind as to come crashing in right about now. A fight to the death I could handle, but this night would bring a different kind of battle: a battle of wits. I usually didn’t consider myself a slouch in that department, but then again, my usual war of words heavily consisted of suggesting the other party suck my dick. I’m pretty sure they didn’t say that too often at the U.N.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  At around four PM Eastern Time – aka whatever the fuck that translated to in Canada – my companions started to stir. I found it a bit odd, all of them waking at the same time, but then I remembered Alex’s special incense. Guess it was wearing off.

  I sat up and looked toward the flap of our hut. From the look of things, the sun was setting. Thank God the higher-ups scheduled this when the nights were longer. If they had gotten it wrong, we would have been royally fucked. It’s hard for vampires to negotiate for peace when the day is all of one hour long.

  “Rise and shine, you lazy fucks,” I announced loud enough so that my roommates and Sally alike would hear it.

  “Uh, I feel like shit,” Tom complained.

  “Me too,” Ed agreed.

  “Yeah, well, that’s not too surprising,” I explained. “You see, we had a visitor...”

  “Don’t say another fucking word!” Sally commanded, bursting through the ratty curtain dividing our space. All three of us were momentarily stunned into silence, not so much by her yelling – that was normal – but by the fact that she was wearing a short night shirt and not much else.

  Seeing us all gaping, she gave a quick sigh and said, “Take a picture, it lasts longer. Seriously, Bill, not a word.”

  She quickly went back to her side. Tom, Ed, and I exchanged confused looks all the while. A few moments later, she reappeared, hastily dressed. She grabbed her coat, then stalked outside.

  “What the hell was that about?” I asked.

  “Maybe she’s on the rag,” Tom offered.

  “Do vampires even do that?” Ed asked.

  “How should I know? Hell, I kinda assumed Sally was permanently PMSing.”

  Her odd behavior aside, I quickly brought my friends up to speed on our visitor from the night before.

  “So let me get this straight,” Ed said, once I had finished my tale, “This Alex dude wants you to take charge of things, even if it means purposely pissing off the guy who knocked us all for a loop with just three words yesterday. Am I correct?”

  “More or less.”

  “It’s a good thing we came along then.”

  “Why? Don’t you get it? We thought we were maybe wading into shit before. Instead we’re dog-paddling way over our head now.”

  “Exactly,” Ed replied. “Everyone else thinks Tom and I are your advisors. It looks like we really are now. Well, I am, anyway.”

  “What about me?” Tom whined.

  “Sorry, but even you have to admit your snap judgments sort of suck.”

  Tom looked a bit crestfallen, but he also didn’t protest either. I clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. I still need you there, even if it’s just to back me up.”

  “I’m here for you, man.”

  “Cool. Although I hate to say it, but you’ll probably need to ix-nay any forest-side trysts with Christy for now.”