The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Great, as if I already didn’t have enough to worry about.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Nergui led us across the crude village. As we walked, I could hear a bit of a commotion going on up ahead. One didn’t need vampire ears to be able to pinpoint it. Standing in front of one of the huts was a tall, well-built man. He had dark hair and a pencil-thin mustache of the variety that had gone out of style with Prohibition. He was busy bitching out some others who stood around him. My command of languages other than English was somewhat less than stellar. However, I had seen enough Pink Panther movies to surmise he was speaking French.

  “Let me guess,” I said out of the corner of my mouth to Sally, “François?”

  Suddenly his head swiveled in our direction. Oh, shit! I kept forgetting that older vampires likewise had superior senses. Since this guy was supposedly even older than the Khan, he could probably hear a fly taking a shit from a hundred yards away. He wasn’t the most physically imposing creature I had ever seen, especially not with nine-foot apes wandering about, but there was something cold in his eyes. He hadn’t even blackened them, yet they held a kind of darkness to them. I’m no psychoanalyst, but if I had to guess, I’d say Frenchy here was psychotically insane. How wonderful.

  I didn’t need to worry about Sally. She had more experience dealing with asshole elder vamps than I did. Instead, I threw a quick warning glance back to my roommates, Tom in particular.

  As we approached, all of the vampires in front of the hut stopped what they were doing and turned toward us. Most of them were focused on me, which was fine. There were a few salacious glances toward Sally, no doubt undressing her with their eyes – also not a big surprise. What worried me, though, were a few nakedly hungry looks toward my roommates. That would need to be nipped in the bud. My friends were strictly off the menu.

  Nergui stopped in front of the group and gave a curt bow, noticeably shallower than the one he'd given me. He then stepped to the side. “The Freewill and his advisors,” he announced.

  The one I presumed to be François stepped forward. This close, his presence had a decisively slimy feel to it. However, whereas Colin’s greasiness radiated a massive inclination toward ass-kissing, this guy was far more ominous. I got a bad feeling in my gut that this was the sort of jerk who would literally do anything, no matter how depraved, to further his own agenda. Of course, that could all be bullshit and maybe I was just psyching myself out due to James’s warning. Whatever the case, though, I had learned in the past year that a little paranoia wasn’t exactly a bad thing.

  He looked me over, shot Sally a sideways glance, and then gave a sniff, barely laying his eyes on my friends, as if they were beneath his contempt. “You are the Freewill?” he asked with just the slightest accent.

  Since I had been raised to always put my best foot forward (as Dad always said, let the other person be the asshole first), I held out my hand and said, “Yep. I’m Bill.”

  He gave me back a sour smile as if I had just used that hand to wipe my ass. Ah yes, douchebag status confirmed.

  “There are a few things you should be aware of,” he said, ignoring my greeting. “Regardless of what you have been told, I do not care if you are the Freewill or the second coming of Moloch himself.” Huh? “I rule here. Respect that and we will get along fine. Cross me, and I will stake you with your own spine.”

  Before I could even think about it, my mouth opened on its own. What can I say? My subconscious had an automatic defense mechanism against shit heads. “Eh.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You forgot the ‘eh.’ You said you rule here. Well, this is Canada. You should at least speak like a Canadian, eh?”

  His eyes narrowed at me, but I continued drawing upon my lexicon of Canadian language, learned from multiple viewings of South Park. “We traveled all this way, eh. I mean, it’s aboot time we arrived, eh. You’d think you hosers would be a little more hospitable, eh.”

  François’s eyes darkened and I could see his fangs extend. Fortunately, two things stopped him from outright killing me right there. First, Nergui’s hand flew to the hilt of one of his daggers. Secondly, flunkeys or not, a few of the vampires behind him chuckled at what I said.

  He quickly turned his head and hissed at his lackeys. Silence resumed amongst them. Regardless, the moment was over. That was good. Considering François’s age, I wasn’t entirely sure even Nergui would be able to stop him. When François turned back to me, his eyes had resumed their normal color. To my surprise, a smile actually crossed his lips. That didn’t exactly inspire confidence.

  “Your reputation for having a quick, if somewhat crude, tongue is well earned,” he said.

  “What can I say? I like to make an impression.”

  “I can see that.”

  “This playful banter aside, I’m not here to make waves. I just want to do my part so we can hash out a truce with the Sasquatches. Once that’s done, I’ll go home and you can keep Canada.”

  “Yes, of course. We’re all on the same side here,” he replied in a tone that implied we weren’t even remotely on the same team. God, what a creep. Even if James hadn’t warned me about him, this guy would still be giving me serious douche-chills.

  “Cool,” I said. “Is Alex here yet? I’m thinking we should all sit down and discuss things. I want to make sure I know what to say and such.”

  “Alex?” he replied, raising one eyebrow.

  “Yeah, the Drac ... err First Coven’s special envoy.”

  “Interesting. I know of no Alex.”

  Hmm, that was odd. Still, this guy looked like the sort of stuck up prick that would barely notice anyone beneath him in rank.

  “Okay then, what about the negotiators that were being sent in? Maybe Alex will check in with us later.”

  François’s face took on a look of concern ... mostly. I’m not great at reading subtle expressions, but I’d have sworn his eyes were twinkling with laughter. “Haven’t you heard?”

  “Heard what?”

  “The team that the First were sending never arrived. They simply vanished ... without a trace.”

  “Vanished?”

  “Yes, it’s quite tragic,” he replied without a trace of remorse. “I suspect these beasts had something to do with it. Alas, I have no proof of their treachery.”

  “Then we’re postponing the summit, right?” Sally asked from beside me. I was amazed. It was the longest I could remember her keeping her mouth shut.

  “Child,” François replied, putting extra emphasis on the word as if to imply stupid child. “This gathering is far too important to put off. Every day that goes by is another step closer to war. And it’s not just us. The other delegations have all arrived. It would be an insult to cry foul and tell them to all go home. Believe me, there are beings present that are not to be trifled with.”

  Emboldened, either by the fact that I was still alive or by Sally, Ed spoke up. “So what is Bill supposed to do? He’s not exactly a UN diplomat.” When I turned to give him a glare, he replied, “Let’s not fool ourselves here. You’re not.”

  That’s the thing with Ed. He continually ticks me off by being right. I sighed and turned back to François. “He has a point.”

  François seemed not to hear me, though. “You allow your food to speak for you? How quaint. I see James is letting discipline slip down in the States.”

  Now it was my turn to flash my fangs, albeit I imagine I was just a wee bit less impressive than he was. I may be strong by human standards, but to an elder vampire, I was probably about as frightening as a kitten. Still, I couldn’t let him get away with treating my friends like an appetizer. “They’re my friends, not my food. They’re here to assist me and thus are under my protection.”

  “Your protection?”

  “Yes. You’ve heard stories about Freewills, right? Care to see if any of them are true?” I won’t lie. I was really hoping the answer was a resounding no.

  “Silly boy. You’ll find I’ve faced dow
n far scarier things than you.” His eyes momentarily flashed black then back to normal in no more than a blink of his eyes. Damn, I couldn’t do it that fast. I actually had to concentrate to get that stuff to work. “Regardless, now is not the time. Alas, your advisors are moot here.”

  “How so?”

  “Have you not been listening, boy? The First’s diplomats are missing. The peace meeting must go on. Thus, as leader of this region, I have hand-picked my own team of negotiators to fill in for the First’s.”

  “Your own team?”

  “Yes. Entirely loyal to the vampire cause, I assure you.” Yeah, right. “Your mission has not changed. They will hash out a treaty with the Sasquatch leader. You will go along with their suggestions as the figurehead you are. Were those not your orders?”

  “Well...”

  “As I thought. You will perform your duty as instructed. Once finished, you will leave my domain. IS THAT CLEAR?!”

  I’m not sure if he meant to send that last part as a compulsion or if it just came out that way because he was pissed, but damn! The force of it sent me flying back into my roommates. Judging by the boneless way they collapsed under me, I assumed they had gotten a pretty hefty taste of it as well. Compulsion worked on humans, too, just not quite as well. It took a vampire of considerable strength to pull it off. Unfortunately, François definitely had a checkmark in that column.

  As for me, my head was ringing. It felt like someone had beaten me senseless with the world’s largest tuning fork. Even so, I was by far the least worse off. I saw Sally, Nergui, and all of François’s vampires standing there with the same vacant, glazed look in their eyes. Each and every one of them was under François’s spell. I was going to need a bottle of aspirin when this was over, but at least I was immune to his control.

  I turned to my human friends. Both of them appeared to be knocked for a loop. Their eyes were rolled up into their heads, showing only the whites, but they were still breathing. Fortunately, within a couple of seconds, they both started blinking and groaning. They were coming out of it, hopefully with not much worse than a headache to show for their troubles. That was good because I didn’t have time to tend to them. Vampires like François – which covered just about all vampires – were predators, and the last thing you wanted to do with any predator was show them weakness.

  I stood up and casually dusted myself off, acting as if my head didn’t feel like it had the New York Philharmonic playing in it. I walked up to Sally and quickly snapped my fingers in front of her face. No response. I turned back to François, smiling, and said, “Cute. But it doesn’t work on me.”

  “I see that,” he replied and then matched my grin with his own. “But it is painfully obvious to me that though I can’t control you, I can hurt you.” Oh, crap. Guess I needed to work on my poker face a bit.

  I stood my ground and said nothing. François stepped forward, into my personal space, and continued. “Shall we try it again? I for one would be curious to see how many times it would take for me to liquefy your brain.”

  I was about to make a witty comment regarding his breath, but just then, the barrel of Ed’s shotgun was laid over my shoulder, pointing directly at François’s face.

  “I don’t know, but I’m willing to bet it would take just one bullet to knock that smile off your face, permanently,” Ed’s said from behind me. “And in case you’re wondering, yes, they’re silver.”

  I shifted my eyes to the gun barrel and then back to François, grinning even wider. “What’s that you were saying about my advisors being moot?”

  The smile dropped from his face and, apparently with it, his concentration. The vampires behind him began shaking their heads. I had little doubt Sally and Nergui were doing the same.

  I could see out of the corner of my eye that we were attracting a small crowd of onlookers. Vampires and Bigfeet alike were starting to gather round, not to mention some other ... err ... things that I couldn’t readily identify. Guess they weren’t shitting me about there being other guests in attendance.

  François was a cock-meat sandwich of the highest order, but he wasn’t stupid. Whatever his agenda, he knew that the bullshit we were engaged in now wasn’t going to help our position. Almost as if reading my mind, he suddenly started laughing. It almost sounded genuine.

  “Well played, Freewill,” he sang out in an exaggerated voice that everyone in the immediate vicinity picked up. “An excellent demonstration! With you at our vanguard, our enemies will think twice before trying anything.”

  I shifted my eyes around. Sure enough, the tension seemed to have gone out of the onlookers. Thinking this was a staged display, they quickly began to go back about their business.

  “Slick,” I whispered.

  “Necessary,” he replied, equally quiet. “Letting your oafishness give our enemies the advantage would be to all of our detriment.”

  “Are we done here?” I asked, at which point Ed finally lowered the gun. I was glad he hadn’t been given reason to use it. Regardless of whether it would have done much to François, I didn’t relish the thought of a twelve gauge shotgun going off right next to my head.

  “For now,” François said with a sneer. “The sun will be up soon. I will return tomorrow night for the opening talks.”

  “You’re not staying here?”

  “In this place?” he asked, the snooty Frenchman in him coming to the forefront. “I think not. Enjoy the accommodations.” He spun on his heel, nodded to his companions, and together they began to walk away.

  He turned his head back to us only once. “Remember my warning: you are a figurehead here. Nothing more.” Before I could reply with anything snippy, he and his contingent strode away. That was fine with me. It gave me a chance to let out a large breath that felt like I had been holding for hours.

  “Now there goes a true asshole,” Tom commented, still looking a little dazed from the compulsion. “And no, I don’t care if he can hear me.”

  “For once we’re in agreement,” Sally added. She then turned to me, and said in as serious of a tone as I’d ever seen her use, “We need to watch out for him, Bill. He’s bad business. I don’t think I’ve ever met another vamp as strong as he is.”

  “You don’t need to tell me that. I’m not so sure his little threat about turning my head to mush would’ve been entirely idle. Thanks for the save, Ed. I owe you.”

  “Just one?” he replied with a coy grin.

  We all chuckled. “Nice bluff about the silver bullets, by the way.”

  “It wasn’t a bluff.”

  “No? Where the hell did you get silver bullets?”

  “I gave them to him,” Sally said. “Since that business a few months back,” she gestured slightly in Nergui’s direction, “I figured it was a good idea for you guys to have a little extra backup. So I had them specially made.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, I gave them to Ed the last time we met for coffee.”

  “Sally gives the sweetest gifts,” he said with an exaggerated grin.

  “Hold it!” I interrupted. “What do you mean, ‘last time you met for coffee?’ I thought you guys only went on one date?”

  “Well, technically, coffee isn’t a date,” Sally said with a huffy sniff.

  “And neither of you told me why?”

  “Well you kinda freaked out the last time,” Ed replied.

  “Oh, please,” Sally said. “I don’t require that you keep me up to date on your social life, nonexistent as it is.”

  “She has a point, dude,” Ed added.