The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Well...” The question was answered as the owner of said legs bent down and peered into the windshield. The face that looked in at us pulled back its lips in a snarl. It was one hell of an ugly motherfucker. Take the creature from Harry and the Hendersons and then beat it with the ugly stick for an hour or two and you might be in the ballpark.

  Sally, Ed, and I just stared at the gruesome visage in front of us. Tom, ignoring the basic tenets of sanity, lifted his cell phone and immediately started snapping pictures. The creature noticed him and looked none too happy about it.

  I reached forward and smacked him upside the head. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  “What?” he complained. “We just proved Bigfoot is real. These babies are going up on Facebook.”

  “Are you absolutely sure I can’t kill him?” Sally asked.

  I glared at her out of the corner of my eye. “Let me get back to you on that.”

  “Get out.”

  “Huh?” I asked. “What, Ed?”

  “That wasn’t me.”

  “Then who...”

  “GET OUT ... NOW!”

  “Did that thing just talk?” Tom asked, echoing what the rest of us were thinking.

  I turned to Sally. “They can speak?”

  “How would I know?” she snapped back. “Do I look like Jane Goodall?”

  “Weren’t you supposed to ask Boston about these things?”

  “How the hell would I even know to ask? The only apes I’ve ever seen are in the Bronx Zoo. Last time I was there, they didn’t talk back.”

  “NOW!” the ugly face before us demanded again. This time, it brought one cantaloupe sized fist down onto the hood of the car. The entire vehicle shook from the impact.

  I looked each of my companions in the eye. “I think he wants us to get out.” Never let it be said I didn’t have a grasp of the obvious.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Uh, Ed, what do you think you’re doing?”

  “Not being stupid,” he replied, stepping out of the car, shotgun in hand.

  “Your funeral,” I commented, likewise getting out.

  Once we were all standing again, we got a true sense of scale for the creature looming before us. At over eight feet in height, it dwarfed my roommates and me. Sally was just barely over five-feet in heels, so I could only imagine that she felt like a Munchkin, assuming they had strip clubs in Oz.

  The thing – Sasquatch, I guess – looked us all over. Upon seeing the gun in Ed’s hands, it threw back its head and let loose what I think was a laugh. It was hard to say. Imagine trying to chortle while gargling gravel and you’d get an idea of what it sounded like.

  While it did that, I felt Sally give my shoulder a nudge. “What?” I asked.

  “Introduce us.”

  “Why me?”

  “Because you’re the star and we’re just your entourage.”

  Some days I really hated being the vampire chosen one. Okay, if I was going to do this, I might as well try and act tough. Sure, the thing in front of me looked like the Hulk wearing a fur coat, but if so, I was Captain Marvel ... yeah right! Even the most deluded sections of my subconscious weren’t buying that one.

  I took a deep breath, immediately regretting it. Now that we were out in the air, the smell of this thing hit me like a baseball bat. I doubted there was enough Febreze in the world to fix this guy’s odor. How the fuck was I supposed to function with this stench assaulting my nostrils?

  No. That was a defeatist attitude. I could handle this. I was a gamer, dammit. Ogres were bigger and nastier than this pile of shit and I had faced down dozens of them over the years. Sure, it was only on paper and with a twenty-sider, but same general principle ... right?

  I stepped past my friends and looked up into the face of the brute. I smiled, fangs extended for a little bit of extra menace. “I am Bill, Freewill of the vampire nation. I believe you’ve been expecting me.” Hmm, maybe I should have gone with Dr. Death instead ... way more badass sounding.

  The creature stopped laughing and looked down upon me. I had a distinct feeling that the next words to come out of its mouth would be, “BIGFOOT SMASH!” followed by a pummeling that would make me look back longingly at my encounter with the moose.

  For some reason, this thought struck me as funny. I don’t know why. A painful demise wasn’t something I normally considered to be chuckle-worthy. Either the surrealness of the whole situation was getting to me or I was losing my mind. Regardless, I felt the corners of my mouth curling up into a smirk.

  Oh, well, in for a penny, I thought. I locked eyes with the creature – which I seemed to recall learning from National Geographic wasn’t a particularly smart thing to do with gorillas – and continued speaking. “These are my companions. We’re here to meet with your leaders.”

  “And why should Grulg take you?”

  Grulg? What the hell’s a grulg? Oh, fuck this! While I tried to avoid getting beaten to a pulp as much as possible, I was also of the mindset that if I had an ass-kicking coming, then I might as well deserve it. “Listen, Kong, I don’t have time for your shit. I have business to discuss with your betters.” At that, I heard multiple gasps of breath from behind me. Gotta love everyone’s confidence in my abilities. Of course, how would I even know that this guy wasn’t the one in charge? Oh, boy.

  There was a tense moment of silence, during which I saw Ed raise his gun. Maybe we’d all get lucky and he’d just blow my head off rather than let me stick my foot any further into my mouth. Finally, though, the smelly-ass Sasquatch in front of me simply nodded his head.

  “You follow Grulg.”

  “Uh...”

  “Oh, Jesus Christ,” Sally spat. “He’s Grulg, you fucking idiot.”

  “Your concubine speaks with much fire,” Grulg said in a tone that sort of sounded bemused, although maybe it was just me.

  “Concu...”

  “Yes, Grulg,” I interrupted before Sally’s temper could undo what I had gotten lucky with. “That’s how I like her ... sassy.”

  If Sally could have killed me with her mind, I’m sure she would have. However, Grulg merely gave what I took to be a shrug. “Follow.”

  “What about our stuff, Grulg?”

  “Leave here. We bring Freewill’s belongings later.”

  I exchanged glances with the members of my party that didn’t want to kill me.

  “Valet parking, Bigfoot style,” Tom commented.

  That made about as much sense as anything at the moment, so I turned back to Grulg and said, “Lead the way.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Had I known I was signing up for a wilderness trek, I would’ve invested in a pair of hiking boots. Grulg led us onward for what felt like at least a mile. I think we followed a mostly straight path, but the truth was, I had absolutely no idea. He could’ve been walking us in circles for all I knew.

  Finally, he stopped next to a tree. It was large and old, and pretty much looked like every other tree we had passed, with the exception that it was covered in an intricate series of scratches about seven feet above the ground.

  Before I could question what he was doing, Grulg lifted his head and let out a piercing howl. I have to admit, it was kind of freaky. I had seen enough movies to wonder if he was now giving the signal for an ambush. Any second now, a bunch of his hairy buddies would come rushing out to tear us apart ... not that Grulg looked like he needed the help.

  No attack came, though. A few moments passed and then answering howls rang out in the night, but they sounded far away.

  Once silence had again descended, I let my curiosity get the better of me. “Grulg, what was that for?”

  “Respect.”

  “For?”

  “For the dead. We enter Woods of Mourning now.”

  I heard a quiet titter behind me. “Excuse me for a moment, Grulg.” I turned around. Unsurprisingly, Tom was standing there, a guilty look on his face. “Read my lips, shut ... the ... fuck ... up,” I said as softly as I could and
still be heard.

  He continued grinning, but made a lip zipping motion. I sighed and turned back to our hairy escort. “Sorry, please go on.”

  Grulg gave me what looked to be a dubious glance. “Many ancestors buried here. Mighty warriors. Their spirits rejoin the land. They all around us, listening.”

  “Mighty warriors?”

  “Yes. Many laid low by the T’lunta,” he spat that last word. I had a sneaking suspicion what he meant by it, but I asked anyway. “Undead,” he answered with a snarl before once more turning to lead the way.

  Oh, yeah, this was gonna go well.

  As Primitive as Can Be

  Gradually we began to see signs of life again. It started slowly – a shadow here and there, usually off in the distance. However, soon we started seeing more of Grulg’s kind. Some paid us no heed. Others bared their teeth at us as we passed. Yeah, there was definitely no love lost with these guys. It was a pretty safe bet that the Twilight movies weren’t a favorite at whatever passed for the local cinema.

  Finally, we came to what I guess would be considered a village of sorts. I could see a series of huts spread out amongst the trees. Though crude, they were obviously built for the size of the normal inhabitants. They looked practically cavernous compared to my freshman dorm room. Unfortunately, they looked about as neat, too. They were mainly covered in leaves and moss, held together by what I really hoped was mud. In short, they were shit-holes. Guess I should’ve expected that we wouldn’t exactly be staying at a Marriott.

  As we entered the encampment, a voice called from off to our right. “I will take them from here, Grulg. They are under my protection now.” It sounded familiar. I glanced over in that direction and my eyes immediately went wide.

  “Oh, shit,” I muttered. Looking back toward the rest of my group, I saw that Sally’s face held the same surprised expression. No wonder, in her case. The vampire who strode toward us was the very same who had casually lopped off her hand with a silver blade just a few months back. Judging by how he looked, he was every bit as well armed now as he had been back then.

  “Nergui?” I asked disbelievingly as he came toward us.

  He ignored me, instead walking up to the monster that had been our guide and locking eyes with it. A tense moment passed. Eventually Grulg bared his lips in a snarl and broke the gaze. He turned back to us.

  “You with own now. We begin tomorrow,” he said, then turned to wander off, leaving me to wonder if I had a tomorrow. The guy he was leaving me with had every reason, and ability, too, I might add, to make sure I didn’t live to see another nightfall.

  As Nergui turned to us, I could almost feel Sally tensing behind me. Sure, we bickered like five year olds most of the time, but when push came to shove, I knew she would be there to back me up.

  However, Nergui surprised me by bowing. “Greetings once more, Freewill,” he said upon straightening. “It is an honor to serve you.”

  “Really?” I asked, completely taken off guard.

  “Why would it not be?”

  “For starters,” Sally said, stepping up next to me, “you did kind of try to kill us both not too long ago.”

  “Yes. As I explained at the time to the Freewill, it was a misunderstanding.”

  “A misunder...”

  I interrupted Sally before she could blow her top. “Yes, an unfortunate misunderstanding for all of us. Still, considering what happened afterwards...”

  He nodded, and a brief flash of emotion shone in his eyes before his normal stoic demeanor took hold again. “Yes, the loss of my master is regrettable. If I could, I would gladly have given my life to save his.”

  “From what I’ve heard, it wouldn’t have done any good.”

  “Yes, so too has the Wanderer told me. Perhaps, perhaps not. I cannot change what has occurred. I can only serve my new mistress with as much honor as my worthless self can manage.”

  “New mistress?” asked Sally.

  “Gan,” I answered.

  “Yes, the princess. She now commands what was once her father’s.”

  A horrible thought hit me. Oh, crap. The last thing I needed was that psycho little hellion coming after me like a hungry piranha. “Nergui, is Gan here?”

  “No,” he replied. If he noticed the sigh of relief I let out, he didn’t acknowledge it. “My people need a leader now, and her place is there.”

  “So then why are you here?”

  “When she learned of this gathering, she dispatched me immediately. The princess is aware of the possibility of treachery against her beloved” ARGH! “She has entrusted me to watch over you.”

  Despite her wariness of Nergui, Sally couldn’t help but comment. “Aww, that’s so cute. Gan is trying to protect her Billy-willy.”

  “Aren’t there some lumberjacks around for you to proposition?” I spat out of the corner of my mouth.

  Oddly enough, despite Gan’s twisted reasons for sending him, a small part of me suddenly felt a bit better. I knew that Nergui’s attack against us hadn’t been personal. He was a product of his culture. He lived to serve. It just so happened that, at the time, the fuckhead he served had wanted me dead. Now the situation had changed. Though I had absolutely zero intention of returning Gan’s affections, her interest in me had provided perhaps the first glimmer of hope I had seen so far this trip. Sally, Ed, and Tom were great, don’t get me wrong. I’d trust them – well, Tom and Ed, anyway – with my life. Nergui, however, was three and a half centuries old. He could mop the floor with all four of us and still have plenty left in him to go a full twelve rounds.

  “What about my friends?” I asked.

  “The princess’s orders were specifically for you, Freewill.”

  “Surprise, surprise,” I muttered under my breath. “Perhaps,” I said a bit louder, “but my friends are vital to my success in this endeavor.” Sorta. “Their safety is my safety. I will accept your protection, but only if you agree to watch over them as well.”

  Nergui appeared to consider this for a moment. Finally, he nodded. “If your cattle and the wh...”

  “Don’t even think of saying it,” Sally snarled.

  I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Whore had been Gan’s pet name for her.

  “My apologies,” Nergui said evenly. “If the Freewill’s advisors are important to him, then so, too, shall they be to me. I offer my protection to you all.”

  “Did he just call us ‘cattle?’” Tom whispered to me, followed by, “Oof!” as Ed elbowed him in the gut.

  “We gladly accept,” Ed replied.

  “Awesome!” I cried. “I’m happy to hear I don’t need eyes in the back of my head in case these monkeys decide to try anything.”

  “Be wary, Freewill,” Nergui said in a low voice. “Treachery need not come only from the Alma.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He took a quick look around and then simply replied, “It is not my place to speak further of this. I simply offer you the warning.” With that, he turned and beckoned us to follow.