The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Kind of hard to miss.”

  “That is one concession they were willing to make for your benefit. You should know, though, that the Alma’s natural language is quite different than ours. Not all of their words translate well.”

  “Okay and...”

  “And, I cannot stress this enough, you must be utterly respectful to them, especially their leader, regardless of what they say.”

  I gave James a grin back. “Relax. We’ve all heard Grulg speak. I can handle a little broken English. Hell, I hear worse at some of the Chinese restaurants back home.”

  “I’m not talking about a little...” but I didn’t hear the rest.

  We stepped from the trail into a large clearing and well ... holy shit!

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  So maybe “clearing” wasn’t the right word for it. Hell, I don’t know what was. All I know is that despite being a vampire for nearly a year and having seen sights that would cause ordinary folks to piss themselves, I wasn’t even remotely prepared for this.

  “James Cameron, eat your heart out,” Ed whispered from behind me. Sure enough, what was before us looked more like a scene from some summer blockbuster than anything else.

  The trail sloped downward in front of us, into what appeared to be a shallow valley. The entire place was lit with dozens of torches. The sides had been carved into levels not dissimilar to stadium seating. Within each level, downed trees and rocky outcroppings acted as seats. That wasn’t the extent of the weirdness, though.

  It was the myriad creatures taking up the seats that threatened to blow my mind completely. A quick glance back showed the same wide-eyed look on my friends’ faces. Hell, even Sally seemed in awe. Only Nergui, James, and James’s contingent appeared to be taking it all in stride.

  For a moment, I just stood there gawking. It was like the greatest effects people in Hollywood had gotten together and decided to have a kegger. Beings – for that’s the best word I have for them – of all shapes and sizes stood, sat, and in some cases floated in the vast space before me.

  It was only after a few moments that another bit of strangeness occurred to me. Though I could see several of them ... err talking, I guess, there wasn’t any sound. Mouths opened and closed, flanges gestured, things rippled. We should've heard the commotion from a mile off, yet there was nothing but the silence of the forest around us.

  I turned and looked at James quizzically. Whatever warnings he had been imparting to me were gone. In their place was a wide grin. “Courtesy of our magic wielding guests.” He raised his hand and pointed. A short way off from us, standing at the top of the rise, a white robed figure – one of the witches from Christy’s group – stood with her arms in the air, a purple glow enveloping her. Turning, I scanned the area and noticed three more beings, none of them human like the first. They were standing symmetrically to each other at opposite ends of the open area. All had the same glow about them.

  “Look closer,” James said.

  I did, and for the first time noticed that the air in front of me had a slight shimmering quality to it.

  “It’s a fucking force field,” Tom gasped.

  “Not quite, but close,” James replied. “After you.”

  I stepped forward, the shimmer becoming more pronounced. I looked back, shrugged, and stepped through. In for a penny...

  There was a momentary tingling, and then suddenly the voices, hoots, hollers, and murmurings of the creatures filled my ears. Within the space of a second, things went from being a library to a high school auditorium.

  I voiced my amazement, but I’m pretty sure nobody heard me over the cacophony of sound.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Stepping forward, I got a better look at the bottom of the valley. It was roughly the size of a basketball court, oval in shape, and set apart from the ... err ... bleachers, for lack of a better term. A small platoon of Sasquatches stood at the perimeter of this space. Their purpose was pretty obvious: security. I found myself wondering whether I had stepped into a peace conference or a rock concert.

  What stood in the center of the clearing, though, was no stage. At first glance, it appeared to be a large, rough-hewn table. As I got closer I could see that it looked organic, as if it were some weird conference table/tree hybrid. I had once run a druid in a D&D campaign, and supposedly they had all sorts of organically grown furniture like this. But to actually see it for real, whoa! It wasn’t the prettiest thing in the universe, but I had little doubt it would be far sturdier than anything one could buy at Office Depot. Stumps surrounded the table, no doubt meant to be chairs for the participants of the talks. I immediately found myself wishing I had brought a pillow. Damn if they didn’t look like ass-crackers to me.

  Standing at the bottom of the aisle before us, looking quite impatient, were Grulg, François, and François’s minions.

  I turned to my friends, shrugged, and started forward.

  I took one step, and that’s when I heard Tom’s voice from behind me. “Bill, watch out!”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  An undulating ... mass, I guess, lurched out of the crowd toward me. It moved, much more quickly than its mucus-like body would suggest it was capable, to a spot directly in front of me. I stopped dead in my tracks, not wanting to see if the movie The Blob was based on reality or not. I stood facing it, wide-eyed. In turn, it made bizarre gibbering noises at me and began quivering its body. Within seconds, the noises became more urgent-sounding. I raised my hands in a questioning gesture and took a step back. It followed. Oh crap.

  Instinctively – probably stupidly too – I drew Nergui’s dagger and brought it up. The blob lunged forward and engulfed my hand. Gross! When I pulled it back out the dagger was gone. That wasn’t exactly promising.

  Almost immediately, Ed was by my side, shotgun raised. “Back off, slime mold,” he snarled.

  Fortunately, before the situation could further escalate, James stepped in front of us. He approached the thing and began making what sounded like slurping noises. Ewww! I hoped he wasn’t planning on tasting that thing.

  Whatever it was he said seemed to do the trick, though. After a second or two, the blob monster moved back into the crowd.

  “Thanks for the save,” Ed said, lowering the gun. “Not sure this would have worked against it.”

  “It wouldn’t have,” James replied. “However, it’s a good thing you didn’t fire. Things are tense enough without us starting things off by shooting a food merchant.”

  “What?!” I exclaimed.

  “He was just trying to sell you some refreshments.”

  “Oh,” I replied lamely. “Well, what about my dagger?”

  “He thought you were offering him payment.”

  “But...”

  “All things considered, I think it best to let him keep it as a tip.”

  I didn’t argue the point. Our close call with Hell’s hotdog vendor over, we walked down to join the others. Most of them were trying, poorly at that, to hide smirks. Even François’s face held a bit of a grin, albeit it wasn’t a kind one. Apparently, he enjoyed seeing me act like an ass. Well if he loved that, I could only imagine how much he was going to love me overruling his lackeys if the situation called for it.

  But that would be for later. For now, the ceremonies were about to begin.

  What’s in a Name?

  As one, the Sasquatches standing at the edge of the arena – I couldn’t help but think it more resembled a coliseum than meeting hall – raised their heads and let loose with an ear-splitting screech. Fuck me! It sounded like someone had stuck a fork into the ass of every single monkey at the Bronx Zoo. It definitely got everyone’s attention, though. Within seconds, the various noises coming from the crowd ended. All eyes were on the center.

  “Okay, that was inter...” but I was interrupted before I could finish.

  There came the crack of thunder – odd, considering the forecast called for clear skies – and suddenly a bolt of green lightning descended from the heaven
s, striking the conference ... err ... tree dead center. Rather than blowing it to smithereens, as lightning is wont to do, there was a blinding flash. When it cleared, the table was still intact and everything was as it had been ... oh, except that a glowing green ball of energy now floated above it.

  “What the fuck?” my roommates and I sputtered in unison.

  “WELCOME!” a booming voice sounded. It was loud, completely drowning out everything else. As it faded, though, I noticed something odd. There was no echo and my ears weren’t ringing either. I was just beginning to wonder about that when I heard Ed from behind me.

  “Was that in my mind?”

  Holy shit! He was right. Whatever the fuck had just said hi to us had done so psychically.

  “WE, THE GATHERED, ARE HERE TO BEAR WITNESS...” the voice began. It was hard to concentrate with it pounding away like a bass beat on my frontal lobe. I turned to James and managed to ask, “What the hell is that?”

  He turned his attention away from the orb, and replied, “Neutral third party.”

  Oh, of course.

  “...HAVE BEEN ACCUSED OF BREACHING THE TERMS SET FORTH IN THE HUMBABA ACCORD OF THE YEAR...”

  Blah blah blah. Christ, supernatural ball of light or not, this thing sounded like my sophomore year history teacher.

  “...RITUAL COMBAT WILL THEN ENSUE...”

  Whoa. Hold on a second. What was that about ritual combat? God, I really needed to pay attention to these stupid monologues. I tried sending out a quick request with my own mind. Would you mind repeating that please? Unfortunately, the voice kept droning on. I guess it was set to send, not receive. Fucking asshole ghost orb.

  “...HAND IN MARRIAGE FOR THE TRADITIONAL EXCHANGE OF...”

  What? Goddammit! I was doing it again. Why couldn’t they print this shit out in advance so guys like me could read it in peace at our own leisure? It’s not like...

  “...LED BY THE ONE CLAIMING TO BE THE REBORN FREEWILL.”

  Half the crowd erupted into what sounded like cheers. Freewill? Wait, that’s me. I didn’t realize I was so popular. Guess Alex was right about us having our supporters to...

  “Go.”

  “Huh?”

  “That’s your cue,” James said from behind me. “Go out and meet the other delegation.”

  “Oh, okay,” I replied, really wishing I had paid better attention.

  “Good luck,” he said, sounding as if he truly wished he believed it. Talk about making a guy feel confident about himself. “And remember what I said.”

  “No, prob,” I replied, walking forward, having no idea what I was supposed to remember.

  I turned to find my friends following me. I looked at them quickly, each in turn.

  “You did get all of that, right?” Sally asked.

  I blinked stupidly back at her, but then replied, “Of course.”

  My group passed François, and his team of negotiators fell in step behind me as well. Guess things were about to start. I just wished I knew exactly what that entailed.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I reached the conference table, then turned to François’s group. “Where should I sit?”

  Apparently, these guys were all relatives of Sally’s. They gave me an almost synchronized eye-roll. Finally, one of them, a prissily dressed vampire with salt and pepper hair, replied in a heavy French accent, “At ze’ head of ze’ table, but not now. We must greet our ... ‘ow do you say ... counterparts.” He pointed one well-manicured finger to a spot near the middle of the table. So that’s where I walked, the others once again in tow.

  As I did, the glowing ball of doom continued to drone on. I likewise continued ignoring it until I noticed that all of the Sasquatches in the valley had once again started hooting. Guess their big cheese was finally making an appearance. I looked to the far end and saw their contingent getting ready to step out. All of them were impressive looking, for disgustingly dirty apes at least, but the one in the lead looked like he had stepped straight out of a horror movie.

  Nearly ten feet tall, he made Grulg look puny in comparison. Fangs, longer and thicker than mine, protruded from his lips. Strapped across his chest, like a primitive bandolier, were several skulls: some human, some ... well, who the fuck knows? All I knew was that if someone handed this guy a bowcaster he’d look like Chewbacca’s bigger, uglier cousin.

  Well, Alex had told me that the guy in charge of this place had won out over his rivals. I could see why. I was just starting to think that this monster would stand a chance of winning favorable terms on intimidation alone, when our moderator spoke again and completely trashed that idea for me.

  “...THEY ARE REPRESENTED BY THE MIGHTY LEADER OF THE NORTHERN TRIBES, TURD.”

  Did he just say...? Nah. I turned back to my group. François’s asshole buddies were all standing there stoic and straight-faced. Tom and Ed had the same questioning look as I, both of them straining to keep grins off their faces.

  Sally took one look at me and mouthed what looked like, “Grow up.” I was almost tempted to heed her advice when every Sasquatch in the area began to chant, “Turd, Turd, Turd, Turd...”

  That did it. I could feel a smirk coming over my face and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I realized what James had been trying to warn me about, but it was too late. Some things just cannot be prepared for.

  I turned and scanned the crowd. I saw James, François, and their various minions seated near the front row. Upon seeing my grin, James dropped his face into his hands. Gotta love his confidence. Well okay, it was probably deserved. I mean c’mon, the guy’s name was Turd, for Christ’s sake.

  So Turd (oh, God, that just kept getting funnier) and his small group strode forward. With their size, they were upon us within seconds. He walked straight up to me, and I made the mistake of looking forward and not up. Due to his size, I found myself eye level with his Sasquatch-sized junk. I could sense the Bigfoot chieftain glowering down at me, but it didn’t matter. What I found far more menacing was Turd’s dick, which was just about a foot away from slapping the shit out of me.

  “You finally get to live out your fantasy, Bill,” Tom said, snickering softly.

  It was quickly followed by Sally hissing, “Shut up!”

  “THE LEADERS OF EACH PARTY WILL NOW GREET EACH OTHER.”

  Greet? Oh, crap. I was suddenly hit with an image of me reaching out and giving Turd’s wang a friendly shake hello. I could feel the grin beginning to win out over my control. Fuck me! I was gonna plunge us into global Armageddon in the first minute alone.

  “Freewill,” came a voice from above. I looked up to see Turd’s snarling mouth speaking. “You are different than I imagined.” I’m sure this last part was meant to be ambiguous, but the tone of his voice definitely implied a heavy insult. He needn’t have bothered. For starters, I’ve been dissed by the best. Hell, I dealt with Sally on a daily basis. Secondly, the breath that wafted down at me was insult enough. Motherfucker! These guys might’ve hated civilization, but at least we understood the concept of mouthwash.

  “I look forward to challenging you,” he finished.

  Why did that sound like a threat? Probably because it was. Oh, well, fuck this shit. Alex told me I was in charge, so I might as well set the tone for things.

  There was a pause, so I assumed it was my turn. I looked up and locked eyes with the big monkey. There was a grin of sorts (I guess) on his face. He knew how big and nasty he looked. The giant fuckhead probably thought I was too scared to speak. Well, he might’ve been right had his name not been Turd and had his dick not been swinging right in front of my face. Those two things combined activated my automatic asshole defenses.