The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “What kind of reparation?” Ed asked, sounding a little tense.

  “He could very well demand your life,” she said to him. “But I don’t think that’s going to happen because...”

  “Because?” Ed prodded.

  “Because you’re nobody to him,” I finished for her. “Why bother to use an advantage when the best it’s going to get them is a few seconds of amusement wrenching your arms off?”

  “I’m so glad that would be amusing for them.”

  “Oh, it is,” said Sally. “Think of pulling the wings off a fly, except the fly can cry and scream obscenities while you’re doing it.”

  “Thanks for the unnecessary details,” he replied, deadpan.

  “No problem,” she said with her typical sauciness. Even in the worst of situations, Sally always got a chuckle out of making others uncomfortable. “Realistically, though, he’s probably going to use it in a way where he can gain the most advantage.”

  “So he’s going to demand my life?” I asked, trying real hard not to imagine being dismembered.

  She shook her head. “He could, but it wouldn’t be granted. I mean, it’s not like you killed his whole family and then skull-fucked his Grandma just for good measure. Besides, there’s no way even François can just hand you over on a platter. I doubt he'd even try with James around.”

  “You really should send that guy a gift basket when we get back,” Tom added.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “The most likely scenario,” Sally said, ignoring us, “is going to be a challenge.”

  “That ritual combat thing they mentioned?”

  “The same. I don’t know what kind of challenge he’ll make, but I wouldn’t doubt it’ll involve setting you up for an embarrassing ass-kicking in front of the crowd.”

  “Wonderful. Be sure to tape it. It’ll be a hit on YouTube.”

  “That’s where I’ll come in,” she continued. “Turd can challenge you, but you’ll be able to set the terms. Since it’s a fair bet none of François’s asshole buddies will step up to the plate for you, I will.”

  “Fuck that,” Ed replied. “We all will.”

  “No,” she said, in a tone that suggested she wasn’t about to be argued with. “You won’t. Sorry to say, but neither of you will last three seconds in any sort of fight with these guys.”

  “But I have...” Tom started to say.

  “Yes, I know. You have your little Barbie dress-up jewelry there. The problem is we don’t even know if that shit works against the Feet. As for you, Ed, before you say anything, I will ask one question. Aside from bullshit stories, have you ever read a real news report about a hunter successfully shooting and killing one of these things?”

  He thought for a second. “No, I guess not.”

  “Exactly. Just because that popgun makes you feel all manly, don’t assume it’ll do any good against these monsters. That leaves me.”

  I stood to protest. “That doesn’t seem ri...”

  “Can the chivalry bullshit, Lancelot. It makes perfect sense. I’m older and I’ve been in a lot more fights than you. I can handle myself. Besides, look at me.”

  We did, which caused her to let out an exasperated sigh. “My face is up here, dipshits.”

  She let the warning hang in the air for a second before continuing. “Despite the fact that every single creature watching this circus knows that size and power don’t have anything to do with each other, they’re going to take one look at me and assume I’m the underdog. If I win, that’s great for us. If I lose, well, they’ll all be expecting it, so there won’t be any loss of face for our side.”

  “What about Nergui?” Ed asked. “Isn’t he supposed to be Bill’s bodyguard?”

  I nodded. “He did say Gan gave him specific instructions.”

  “That’s a possibility. But don’t be surprised if there’s some loophole thrown at us that disqualifies him. Like I said, they’re no doubt going to want to weaken our position. Fighting with your honor guard isn’t exactly going to do that.”

  As usual, Sally surprised me by thinking things through far better than I would have even considered. However, I did see one disturbing flaw in her logic.

  “What if it’s a fight to the death?” I asked.

  “I’m hoping it won’t be.”

  “But if it is?”

  “If it is, then I expect you ALL to run in and save my beautiful behind. Let’s not be stupid here.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  None of us liked the plan. However, I grudgingly had to admit it made sense. Even if I didn’t, Sally threatened to break all of our legs if we didn’t go along with it. So in the end, we decided to follow her lead.

  The matter settled, she excused herself to go grab a bite to eat, leaving my friends and me alone to finish getting ready. The three of us, even Tom, did so in relative silence. I think we were all rattled by how quickly things had taken a turn. Aside from a few minor bumps in the road, yesterday’s talks had been nothing. Out of nowhere, though, the rumor mill was aflutter that bad things awaited us. Goddamn, I hated finding myself the meat in a shit sandwich.

  Sally returned shortly thereafter, once more looking sated. Despite the fact that I wasn’t too big on the concept of her feeding off the living, for once I didn’t begrudge her the fact.

  Unsurprisingly, Nergui was waiting for us outside our hut. I nodded to him and he fell into step alongside us. We began walking toward the proceedings and whatever cruel fate awaited us there.

  Nearing the trail that led to the conference arena, as I was sure it would soon be, I saw James and his contingent waiting for us. To say he looked a little agitated would be an understatement. Can’t say I blamed him. Regardless, I was glad to see him. His knowledge of these creatures far exceeded mine. Maybe he knew something that could calm the situation down. With Alex nowhere to be found, he was by far my best bet.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. Before James could even ask me what was going on, François swept in from our flank and stepped in front of him.

  “There you are, Freewill,” he said in that douchey voice of his. “There’s no time to waste. Come along.”

  “Whoa, hold on a second,” I protested as he grabbed my arm and started pulling me up the trail.

  “No time for that. You’re late and our hosts are quite perturbed.”

  James caught up and moved to cut him off. “I’m afraid I must concur with Dr. Death. I had hoped to have a minute to speak with him.”

  François narrowed his eyes at him. “You do not have a minute. In the future, I’d suggest you plan your little dalliances in advance.”

  James, however, refused to give way. “I’m afraid I must insist.”

  “You will insist nothing,” François hissed. “Or need I remind you that you are only here at my tolerance?”

  James looked ticked off. I started wondering if we were about to see a heavyweight throw-down. That would look bad for our cause, but who gives a fuck? I’d pay good money to watch two elder vampires go toe to toe. Dragonball Z, eat your heart out.

  Alas, it wasn’t to be. Just when the tension appeared to reach a zenith, James stepped aside. “You are of course correct, François, and I appreciate your hospitality.”

  “Anything for a dear old friend,” he spat and started dragging me again.

  Not good. I had the distinct feeling that François was railroading me. Whatever was going to happen, he was in favor of it and wasn’t about to let me get any sort of edge that talking to James might provide.

  I tried to think of something. What could I do? I looked down at my empty hands and a thought hit me. Of course! It was lame, but it might work. I dug my heels into the ground. “Wait!”

  “What now?” François asked.

  “I need to run back real quick.”

  “You should have done that before you left.”

  “Not that. I forgot my drink.”

  François stopped and turned, a look of piteous contempt on his face.
“Your drink?”

  “Yeah. I left it back in the hut. I’m kinda parched, so if you don’t mind...”

  “I do mind.” He looked between James and me for a moment, then grinned. “James, do be a friend and make yourself useful. You wouldn’t want your precious Freewill to face the trials of the day with a dry throat, would you?”

  James looked like he was about to answer with something pithy, but then he simply nodded.

  Oh well, it was a long shot anyway. Not wanting to give up the obvious ruse, I said, “There’s a bottle on the table with my name on it. Fill it with AB negative, if you don’t mind. That’s my favorite.”

  James smiled in response. “Of course. I live to serve.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Oh, yeah, shit was definitely going down. I could tell that much the second I stepped through the ... err, anti-noise barrier, or whatever the fuck it was. Whereas yesterday wasn’t exactly quiet, today was like stepping into a wrestling arena. The noise was almost too loud to be able to think over. The volume was only part of the problem, though. Its tone was what mostly bothered me. I couldn’t understand all of what was being yelled, hooted, or wheezed, but a lot of it sounded angry.

  As if in confirmation of this, the Sasquatches that had been stationed along the perimeter yesterday were dispersed amongst the spectators. To me, it looked like many of the factions were only a few choice words away from mixing things up with each other.

  “What the hell happened?” I muttered to myself.

  François immediately stopped and turned toward me, barely concealed mirth on his face. He began speaking loudly. “I implore you to reconsider, Freewill!”

  Of course, much like the idiots who responded to things such as, “Asshole says what,” I replied without bothering to think. “Reconsider?”

  “Yes!” he screamed in a faux panicked voice, causing some of the nearby crowd to go silent and listen. “This mad course of action will only lead to war. I beg you to throw yourself at their mercy and end this insanity!”

  Before I could even think of a response, his followers joined in with a chorus of cheers (to him) and jeers (at me). Just like that, the asshole had set me up and thrown me under the bus ... and I had let him.

  I quickly glanced back at my friends. Sally didn’t look surprised by this turn of events. Ed was doing his best to keep a neutral face. Unfortunately, Tom had to open his mouth and say, “Kick his ass, Bill.”

  To be fair, I hadn’t been a part of too many peace summits. Still, logic dictated that when tensions were running high and people (or monsters) were in a heightened state of agitation, the last thing you wanted to do was suggest someone start a fist fight.

  Almost immediately, the crowd around me started up again. Cries of outrage in a dozen different languages flew through the air. I didn’t catch most of it, but I understood enough to know they weren’t exactly cheering me on.

  “Warmonger!”

  “Death to the Freewill!”

  “No mercy for the defiler!”

  The insults continued and then suddenly, something wet thumped into my chest. I looked down to see it was a clod of earth. There was a momentary pause from the crowd and then they apparently decided they liked that idea because I was suddenly pelted from all sides with any debris that could be grabbed. Christ, it felt like I was at a Mets game. Unfortunately, it was only going to be a matter of time before someone threw something heavy.

  Before I could ponder whether to duck or run, Nergui appeared in front of me, weapons brandished. He let out a battle cry and made a few swipes at the nearest offenders, warning shots meant to scare them back. Just then, I heard a clack sound behind me that said Ed had just chambered a round into his shotgun. Oh crap! If the crowd didn’t back off soon, it was going to turn into a full blown bloodbath with me at the center. Not good.

  Through it all, I looked at François. His face held the same outrage as those around me, but his eyes glittered. The fucker was definitely enjoying this. Well, screw him. No way was I giving him the satisfaction. I opened my mouth to tell Nergui and Ed to stand down, but any words I had to say were completely drowned out by the sound that came from ahead.

  A roar of pure rage rose up from below, near the center of the hollow. For all intents and purposes, it sounded as if the gates of Hell itself had been blown wide open. The bellow echoed across the entire area for several seconds, silencing all within.

  I pushed forward until I could see what was going on. Standing alone at the bottom was Turd. Next to him, laid out on the conference table, was another Sasquatch. It was obviously dead, multiple wounds covering its torso. From the saggy tits hanging off its chest, I’d say female as well. Guess bras weren’t big amongst the Forest Folk.

  Turd looked up and saw me. His eyes locked on mine and his mouth opened in a snarl. “Freewill, see what your treachery has wrought!” he cried out, now having the full attention of the audience.

  He indicated the body next to him, anger and sorrow both evident in his voice. “My mate. The mother of my cubs. You defile the tree where her ancestor lay.” He took his eyes from me and addressed the crowd. “Such was her shame, she took her own life.”

  Gasps of shock rose from the crowd. Little by little, their eyes, or whatever they used to see, turned toward me. They did not look happy.

  Seeing their reaction, Turd continued. “Is it really surprise? Freewill T’lunta were known as conquerors, murderers. Many have legends that tell of their evil.”

  He turned toward a group of stone-like monsters. “Terrocks, did not Freewills enslave your people long ago? Use them as servants to build their fortresses?”

  Their response was a gravelly growl of anger.

  He next addressed a party of creatures that appeared to be made of living smoke. “Wisps, you have tales of the Freewills extinguishing your eternal flame many harvests ago, yes?”

  The creatures appeared to flare up at this. Steam rose into the sky above them.

  Turd then pointed to Christy’s coven. “Magi, do not your people speak of the death the Freewill brings? If he lives, the Silver Eyes shall rise and bring the end of your kind.”

  The various witches and wizards began to converse amongst themselves. A few made warding gestures and crackles of energy appeared around them. I saw Christy amongst them. Interestingly enough, her face didn’t mirror the rest of theirs. She looked troubled, but if she was pissed, she wasn’t directing it at me. Well, that was one plus in my favor, a minor one albeit, but at this point I’d take whatever I could get.

  Turd was trying to turn the crowd against me, and doing a damn good job of it. Goddamn it! Next time, I was going to tell Ed to use a freaking bucket.

  This was looking ugly. I quickly scanned the area where Turd stood. “Where’s the fucking moderator?” I whispered mostly to myself.

  At once, François was by my side. He lifted his wrist and glanced at the expensive watch on it. In a soft voice he purred, “Oh, did I say you were late? My apologies. We were actually a bit early. Silly me, must have forgotten to wind this thing. He should be arriving ... just ... about ... now.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  With that, another jolt of green lightning flashed in the arena. When it cleared, happy doom ball was back. Fuck me! I guess even glowing spheres of energy needed a break from things.