The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “She-T’lunta give up and Turd make death painless,” the chieftain of the Sasquatch growled, taking another swing at her. Sally backed up, but her feet got tangled in the brush. She went down.

  “Turd lie!” he screamed gleefully, then leapt. Sally’s eyes opened wide as he flew at her. Then they opened even wider as a blur of motion (that’d be me) slammed into Turd mid-leap, driving him into, then through a tree.

  “It’s about time,” I heard her gasp.

  “You’re welc...” was all I was able to get out before Turd backhanded me off of him. I went flying and once more landed ungracefully in the dirt. It hurt a lot more than when he had hit me the day before. I needed to remember that this battle wasn’t going to be as easy. I had François’s strength, but for all I knew, I was still heavily outclassed by Turd.

  Only one way to find out. I got back to my feet and faced the now extremely pissed off Bigfoot leader. I raced forward and drove a fist into his gut. He let out a heavy “Oof!” but then nailed me with his own swing, easily knocking me aside. It felt like being hit by a freight train. Once again, I felt my overcharged healing kicking in to mend bone. Still, the exchange had answered my question. I was faster, but Turd was definitely stronger.

  Oh well, I could still use that. I had been in enough scrapes to know a thing or two about facing down a superior opponent.

  I stood still as he charged forward, opening my eyes wide and trying to look scared (which wasn’t all that difficult to do). He loomed over me, triumph showing on his face, and brought his two massive fists down ... onto nothing. At the last second, I had put everything I had into one quick burst of speed.

  I sidestepped Turd, and came up behind him. I locked my arms around his mid-section and tried to force him off balance. Unfortunately for me, that put my head about even with his ass. As luck would have it, just then Turd let out a sasquatch-sized fart.

  Holy mother of all that is unholy! Let me tell you, I have been in the presence of some nasty ass stink in my day. Hell, one time Tom ate a whole bowl of beans and then let one loose in my room while I slept. I thought I was going to die then ... but this, this was a whole new world of punishment. I backed up coughing, certain that my eyebrows were in the process of melting off. It was a mistake.

  Quicker than I would have thought a creature of his size capable, Turd spun and wrapped his massive hands around me. I was little more than a ragdoll to him and he knew it. He lifted me over my head and, before I could do anything about it, I was airborne.

  I must have flown over ten yards when – RIIIP – I slammed into something and an incredible pain shot through my body. I opened my mouth to scream and nothing but a gurgle of blood came out. No wonder. I looked down to see the jagged end of a tree branch protruding from my abdomen. I was impaled at least fifteen feet off the ground. The branch had missed my heart by inches at most, but unfortunately had gotten pretty much everything else. I felt absolutely shredded on the inside.

  “Bill!” I heard a female voice yell. Hmm, she sounded vaguely familiar. Wish I could’ve spared a few moments of thought to remember her name. Sadly, there wasn’t much room in my head for anything other than, “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, THAT FUCKING HURTS!!”

  Amidst the pain, I could feel a glimmer of red rage building up in my head.

  Oh, no! Not that!

  My involuntary Freewill powers were kicking in. A part of me wanted to give in to it. I knew the change increased my power far beyond what even François’s blood could provide. In its grasp, my body would probably shrug off this injury. Even better, my mind would blank out and I wouldn’t feel or remember a thing.

  The rational part of my brain knew that would be a mistake. There was little doubt I could and probably would kill Turd in that state. That would be bad ... really bad. It would mean war. Even beyond that, though, I didn’t trust this Mr. Hyde persona lurking deep inside me. So far it hadn’t hurt anyone I cared about, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t. Neither Ed nor Sally would be able to escape if I decided to turn against them. That thought sobered me up.

  I brought up a hand and slapped my own face. My head rocked back from the impact ... oh yeah, I was still amped on François’s blood. That’s the second time I’ve done that. Idiot! I really needed to remember my own strength. Fortunately, it served its purpose. My head cleared a bit and I felt the rage recede back toward controllable levels.

  I looked down to see Turd standing there, his arms raised in triumph. Asshole!

  No, wait ... make that stupid asshole.

  He was either too busy gloating or didn’t consider my other friends to be a threat. It was going to cost him.

  A shotgun blast rang out through the forest. The slug caught Turd in the side. There was a spray of blood, but the impact itself barely rocked him. It did, however, get his attention, which was apparently the goal.

  Turd didn’t notice that Sally had gotten back to her feet. She tackled him at the knees from behind and he went down hard. She then leapt upon him and brought her fist down into the back of his head, hitting with enough force to crack a cinder block. It was a hell of a shot, but I doubted it would do much against Turd’s thick skull.

  She looked up at me. “Well, are you going to hang around all day?”

  You gotta love Sally, supreme bitch that she is. But, she had a point. As much pain as I was in, I wasn’t dust yet. As bad as it might be, I would (probably) survive. It was time to extricate myself from this mess.

  Pity it was going to hurt ... a lot.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Did I say it was going to hurt? Hah! Hurt would have been a pleasant vacation compared to the all-consuming agony that transpired. I gripped the end of the branch that was sticking through my front and snapped it off. Unfortunately, doing so vibrated the part still stuck inside of me, which had the effect of making it feel like someone was taking a hacksaw to my internals. Tears streamed down my face from the effort. Sadly, I still wasn’t done.

  Bracing my feet against the trunk, I pushed. Doing so scraped the shit out of my organs, but finally, after what seemed an eternity of pain, I was free ... free to land face-first on the hard, unforgiving ground, the only cushion being a slurry of my own bodily fluids.

  “Any year now,” Sally growled, still doing her best to keep Turd grounded.

  “Are you all right, Bill?” came Ed’s far more sympathetic voice. I felt his arm loop around mine as he attempted to get me back to my feet.

  “No,” I gasped through a mouthful of blood.

  I looked up at my friend and realized I could hear his heart thumping away. François’s power was mine, but so were his heightened senses. Even aside from all the gore I was covered in, I could still smell the blood running through Ed’s veins. Worst of all, I wanted it ... badly.

  No! I recoiled from his touch, not even wanting to consider the thought.

  “What?” he asked, worry masking his face.

  “Stay back,” I warned in a slightly stronger voice than before. “I’m having a vampire moment here.” I needed to concentrate on something else. I had never felt so intensely the need for blood. Then again, I had never gotten a six inch hole punched through my gut either. Live and learn.

  I began to realize that I was indeed going to live. With every second that passed, I felt the pain continue to recede. Older vampires were stronger and healed a shitload faster than us newbs. Fortunately, François was pretty damn old. My insides were rapidly knitting themselves back together. Within a few minutes, I was going to be back in the fight.

  Sadly, I didn’t have those few minutes. Without warning, Turd rolled over and brought up a massive fist. He hit Sally full-on and she went flying. She landed hard, finally skidding to a stop ... unmoving, either stunned or fully unconscious.

  Ed, raised his gun, but I shouted, “No!” even as I was already on the move again. It hurt like a motherfucker to do so, but I had a feeling it was going to hurt much worse if I didn’t end this quickly.

  Ignoring the pain, I
grabbed one of Turd’s big feet (hah!) before he could stand. Using my stolen strength, I began to turn, dragging the oversized monkey with me. He had no leverage save to claw at the dirt, and it wasn’t enough.

  I spun faster and centripetal force took over. Turd’s body left the ground, just like a kid being swung in a circle by an adult ... except for the fact that he weighed half-a-ton, smelled like shit, and the landing I had in mind would be anything but gentle.

  “Let Turd go!” he bellowed.

  “As you wish!” I cried, bringing my momentum to a furious climax and letting go – damn, I really needed to watch the porno puns. Regardless, it was a hell of a toss. Turd went careening through the air before smashing headfirst into the base of a tree.

  “And the shit hits the fan!” I yelled, right before losing my balance and falling on my ass.

  “Nice one, bro,” Ed said, offering me a hand, three of them to be precise (I’d been spinning pretty fast, after all). I eventually grabbed the correct one and he hauled me to my feet.

  “Yeah,” I sputtered, trying to catch my breath. “That was pretty damn clever.”

  “I meant the throw, not the line.”

  “Everyone’s a critic.”

  “Yeah, well everyone’s going to be a dead critic if we don’t get moving.” He dragged me in the direction where Sally still lay. “I don’t think that’s going to keep him down.”

  He was right. There’d be plenty of time for patting ourselves on the back later. We needed to beat feet before Turd got back up.

  We reached Sally and I turned her over. A small groan escaped her split lips, which was good. Unfortunately, the rest of her didn’t resemble any part of good. She looked like she’d been run over and then dragged by a team of horses. I could see missing teeth, a broken nose, and God knows how many other contusions, but she was alive ... at least in the vampire sense.

  “Still want to bang her?” I asked Ed.

  “What?” he joked. “A little makeup and you’d never notice.”

  “God, I hope she can’t hear us,” I said, hoisting her up and throwing her limp form over my shoulder.

  “Me too ... hey! What the fuck are you doing?”

  “Sorry, man. We need to move fast, which means you need to shut up and play the bitch.” I grabbed Ed with my free arm, and tossed him over my other shoulder. Fortunately, I still had a little nitrous left in my system. I was carrying two people, but they practically felt like feathers. “Now keep your head down. This could get tricky.”

  Thus, without further ado, I began running – putting as much of my stolen speed to bear as I could and hoping that I was going in the right direction.

  If not, it would prove to be a fatal mistake for us all.

  Crossing Enemy Lines

  Luckily for me, I’m not a complete idiot. I had gotten only about a hundred yards when I remembered to use all of my senses. I sniffed the air and caught multiple scents. I’m not a bloodhound, so rather than try to figure out which one was what, I simply put the ass-like stench of the Sasquatches behind me and kept all of the others to my front.

  “I think I’m gonna puke,” Ed complained as I ran.

  “Aim for Sally!” I shouted back. “I like these pants.” Whether or not he heard me, I’m not sure. At the speed I was making, there was a lot of wind hitting my face. And damn, I was making good speed. Hadn’t I been impaled only a few minutes earlier? My gut was still tender, but the worst of the damage had already been repaired. Hot damn, elder vampire powers were awesome. To think that one day I’d have that kind of power all the time, well, it was a little heady. Of course, that assumed I lived long enough ... a big assumption as of late.

  I spotted a small ravine ahead and had absolutely no desire to go around it. “Don’t look down.”

  “Why ... Oh, God!” came the reply as I vaulted the thirty foot crevasse.

  Yep, he looked down. Oh, well, I did warn him. I landed on the far side with a few feet to spare then continued onward. Hopefully, wherever my nose was leading me would be friendly.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Sorta friendly counts, too, I guess. I had been hoping to emerge in the vampire encampment and maybe find James. Then I could tell him ... hmm, actually I had no idea what I was going to tell him. The whole thing was so stupidly convoluted as to sound entirely unbelievable. I mean seriously, syrup ... really?

  That point turned out to be moot, though. I saw a camp up ahead and it was definitely not ours. I really didn’t care at that point. I could feel the power rapidly draining from me. The impaling and the extra juice required to stitch up my innards had depleted my batteries. Ed and Sally felt heavier and I was running a lot slower. As long as I didn’t emerge into the waiting arms of François and his buddies, I would be happy.

  “It’s the Freewill,” a female voice shouted. “And he’s carrying victims!”

  Or maybe not.

  I stopped at the edge of the clearing, not wanting to further agitate the white-robed witch who stood there, arms up in a defensive gesture. Great, of all the various life forms in the area, I had to stumble upon the magical morons who wanted me dead.

  “Relax,” I said, holding up my hands. “We’re all under truce here.” I lowered Ed to the ground. “See? No victims.”

  Her eyes then shifted to Sally, still lying over my shoulder. “The beast has turned on his own kind!”

  Others of her coven were starting to emerge and they didn’t look happy. I quickly scanned the area. Where the fuck was Christy? If she was off porking my roommate and I got fried because of it, I was gonna be a wee bit pissed at them both.

  “Open your fucking eyes,” Ed snapped at her. “Stupid is no way to go through life.”

  A confused, if somewhat insulted, look came over the witch’s face as her companions began to gather round.

  “Way to improve the situation,” I said out of the corner of my mouth. “Help me with Sally.”

  I lowered her to the ground and her eyes fluttered open. “Where are we?” she weakly asked.

  “About to get zapped by the mages guild ... you know, the usual.”

  I got an eye-roll for that. Beaten to a pulp though she might be, Sally was back in the game. I offered a hand to help her up.

  “You shouldn’t have come here, Freewill,” an older witch said, stepping forward. “You are not welcome.”

  “Sorry, they’re with me,” a voice called from behind her. Suddenly Christy and Tom were there, pushing their way to the front. Tom didn’t look so hot ... actually scratch that, he did. In fact, he kind of looked like a boiled lobster. His skin was all red as if he had been repeatedly scalded.

  “They’re here at my ... invitation,” Christy said to the older witch. “To help ... foster ... the peace.”

  “They look like they just stepped out of a slaughterhouse,” the other witch pointed out.

  “Well, you know vampires,” Christy replied in a chipper voice. “Filthy animals that they are.”

  “Fuc...” Sally started to say, when I clamped a hand over her mouth.

  “What my friend meant to say was sorry about that,” I quickly stammered out. “You know us vampires. We just can’t control the ole bloodlust.”

  A ripple of tension passed through the assembled coven. For a second I was sure we were about to get fireballed. Finally, the elder witch spoke again. “Just because we are under truce, do not think our mission has changed, Freewill. You would be wise to slink back to whatever foul grave you crawled from.” She waved at the others to disperse and began to walk away, but not before turning back. “The master will hear of this, Christy. You’re playing a dangerous game.”