The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Nice to meet you, too!” I called after her before turning to Tom. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say I had one horrific day.”

  I raised an eyebrow at that, then gestured to myself and Sally.

  He just shrugged and replied, “Doesn’t look so bad.”

  I had to restrain Sally from rearranging his beet-red face. Unsurprisingly, she still had a little fight left in her. “Down, girl!”

  Ignoring our antics, Christy stepped forward and asked, “What happened?”

  “I don’t think we have time for the full story right now,” I replied. “We need to get back and find James.”

  “James?”

  “One of the few non-asshole vampires I know. He’s one of the good guys.”

  “Oh. Sadly, time might be shorter than you think. We were all getting ready to head over to the meeting place.”

  “Great, I really need to invest in one of those rugged sports watches.”

  “Dude,” Tom said. “Maybe you should invest in a new shirt first. Showing up looking like the lone survivor of a horror movie might not exactly fit the dress code.”

  “So says lobster boy,” I shot back.

  “Enough,” spat Sally, stepping in front of me. “You two can fondle each other’s balls later. We need to find James before François and Turd can convince every creature here to put you on their most wanted list.”

  “She’s got a point, Bill,” Ed replied. “Time is not on our side.”

  “Agreed,” I said. “Let’s get going.” I took a step and then stopped. “You too, Christy.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah ... you’ve earned the truth.”

  She looked surprised for a moment, but then smiled. “Thank you, Bill.”

  “Welcome to the inner circle,” Tom proudly stated.

  “Besides, Christy,” I continued, “if this turns into a clusterfuck – which I’m sure it will – they can’t touch you. I’d prefer that at least one person makes it out of this mess alive knowing the truth.” As idiotic at that truth might be.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Are you okay?”

  “Just need a minute,” I said, gasping. Nearly back to our own encampment, I had gotten lightheaded. The next thing I knew, I was down on one knee.

  “What’s wrong?” Sally asked.

  “Nothing,” I replied, getting back to my feet. “I’m just running on empty. François’s blood has worn off and I lost a ton of my own back there.” It was the truth. Between the fight, the trauma, and the running, I had used up everything I had. Even the adrenaline in my system was fading, leaving me wanting to do nothing more than crawl into bed for the next couple of years. It was a pity that a rest break didn’t seem to be in my near future. If any fighting broke out right then, the best I’d be able to do was stand there and let the bad guys break their hands against my face.

  I took a couple of deep breaths to steady myself, then turned to tell my companions to keep moving. I saw my roommates exchange a meaningful glance.

  “What?” I asked, ready to spit out a pithy comment regarding their sexuality.

  “Here,” Ed said. With that, he held out his hand, wrist up.

  “Me too, bro,” Tom added, doing the same.

  I looked down at their outstretched arms in confusion. “You want to hold hands with me? I’m flattered.”

  “Don’t be a fucktard your entire life,” Ed snapped. “Blood. You need it. Go ahead and take some.”

  “What?!” I cried, horrified – partly because I was tempted to take them up on the offer.

  “You heard him,” Tom said. “Just don’t tell anyone about this. It would be weird.”

  Sally sighed, but then offered her hand, too. “Might as well count me in. You’ll get more bang from mine than from the fleshbags anyway.”

  I was ... touched. “You’d all do this for me?”

  Tom laughed. “Dude, we’re you’re buds ... just as long as you don’t make a habit of it.”

  “What the meatwad said,” Sally added. “Besides, if you go down, chances are I’ll come tumbling after. We are partners, after all.”

  I didn’t know what to say, but I did know what to feel. I was proud as all hell to know them. With them at my side, I could face down every single Turd that life had to throw at me.

  “Thanks, guys. I mean it. If I didn’t have enough to go on before, I think I do now. Suddenly I feel a lot better.”

  “Are you sure?” Sally asked.

  “Well, maybe I’ll still bite you ... but only if you beg me first.”

  “Moment’s over,” she declared, putting her arm down.

  “Aw, you know you will someday,” I joked, right before noticing Christy. She had been watching the whole thing and actually had tears in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, in a low voice.

  “For what?”

  “For everything. We’ve been wrong about you. You don’t deserve our wrath.”

  “I’ve been telling you that, silly,” Tom said fondly.

  “I’m going to tell Harry that when we get back.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked. “He doesn’t seem like the type who’ll take no too kindly.”

  “I’ll be okay. He needs to know that you’re not going to be our downfall. The prophecy must be wrong.”

  “Thanks, Christy. I mean it.” A smile crossed my face and I really did find I had the strength to go a little further. I started to walk.

  “One more thing, Bill,” she said.

  “Huh?”

  She turned to Tom instead. “Hon, remember that warding powder I gave you for your apartment?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Be sure to vacuum it up before you let Bill step over it. It ... kinda would have ... vaporized him.”

  “What?!” I shouted, my jaw dropping open.

  She smiled sheepishly at me. “Technically our truce was only for the duration of the conference.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The vampire camp was mostly deserted. I didn’t see any of François’s goons, which was good. Unfortunately, I also still didn’t see Nergui, which was not so great. I would’ve felt better if we had him there backing us up, just in case. Oh well. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy.

  We decided to take a few minutes to freshen up. Tom was right about showing up looking like the last survivors of a Jason Voorhees massacre.

  I had just barely put on a fresh shirt when I heard sounds coming from outside. I peeked out and spotted some figures walking in our direction. It was James and his people. Nergui was by their side.

  “Thank God,” I said, stepping out to meet them. A smile broke out on my face. “You have no idea how glad I am to see you.”

  James, however, didn’t return my mood. “Alas, I wish I could say the same, Dr. Death,” he said with a nod to his people. They immediately moved to surround me. “For now, I am afraid that you are my prisoner.”

  Guilty By Association

  “Let me guess,” I said, not entirely surprised. “I tried to assassinate Turd and François?”

  “You might not wish to sound so glib,” James warned. “Others might view what you just said as a confession.”

  I turned to Sally and Ed. “I knew I shouldn’t have let that asshole get a head start.”

  “I’m assuming you’re going to ignore what I said about watching your tongue,” James commented.

  “C’mon, James,” Sally said, “Let’s be realistic here. You and I both know that Bill is a lot of things ... but a killer? I’ve owned kittens that were more terrifying.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I quipped.

  “Be that as it may,” James continued. “François showed up at camp not long ago. He was gravely injured and had quite the tale to tell. He told me and any Alma that were present. He even managed to summon the moderator early.”

  “In other words, anyone who would listen.”

  “
Exactly. I hate to say it, Dr. Death, but your impressive display of power against the Alma leader the other day has only fueled this speculation.”

  “Yeah, but do you believe it?” Ed asked.

  James smiled. “Well, I have seen Dr. Death in action under other circumstances. To say that I was less than impressed...”

  “Yeah, yeah, we get the point,” I interrupted, annoyed that I was being both arrested and insulted in the same breath. “So then why this?” I motioned around us.

  Sally replied, “It’s obviously to keep you alive, stupid.”

  “As always, my dear, you are quite astute with your observations,” James said, a note of admiration working its way into his voice. “I am limited in regards to my actions here. However, François could not have refused my aid without sounding suspicious. Thus, by taking you into custody ourselves, Nergui and I can ensure that you remain unharmed until you get a chance to speak your peace.”

  “Makes sense,” I replied. “I do prefer the unharmed part. Although, speaking of which ... Nergui, where the fuck have you been?”

  My so-called bodyguard remained silent. He simply stood there by James’s side.

  “I’m afraid he can’t answer,” James said. “He’s been like this ever since I found him. Poor fellow was standing there guarding a tree stump, most likely thinking it was you.”

  I narrowed my eyes as a thought hit me. “Compelled?”

  “Undoubtedly. Sadly, whoever did so is stronger than me. I can’t undo it.”

  “Then why is he here?” Tom asked. “Isn’t that, y’know, a little risky?”

  “A fair enough question,” James replied. “I don’t believe so. Nergui appears to have been given several neutral compulsions. I can’t tell the details, but obviously it includes orders to not speak of it. But fear not. His honor is unbending. He is here to provide protection at his mistress’s wishes. Even compelled, I believe should anyone make an attempt against Dr. Death’s life that his original orders will take precedence.”

  “Will that work?” Christy asked.

  “Yeah, it should,” I said, having had some firsthand experience. “Older vamps have more resistance against these things. Also, they can be shrugged off if the emotion is strong enough.”

  “Quite true,” James added. “And I will vouch that there is no stronger emotion for Nergui than seeing his duty fulfilled.” He nodded at his men to step aside for Christy. “I must apologize for my rudeness. As a member of a rival delegation here under protection of truce, you are of course free to go.”

  “Thank you,” she replied, then added, “What about this human?” She indicated Tom. “He was with me when these alleged crimes were committed.”

  “Alas, he is a member of Dr. Death’s contingent. As such, they must all stand with him.”

  “Thanks for trying, hon,” Tom said with a smirk. “It’s no big deal. I’m used to Bill pulling the rest of us down with him.”

  I somehow resisted smacking him upside the head. Instead, I asked James, “So what now?”

  “Typically, conspirators at functions such as this would immediately be put to death.” I opened my mouth to reply, but he held up a hand. “However, since you are the figurative leader of our side, that’s a little different. I believe you will be given special consideration and at least be allowed to speak in your defense. I will caution, though: you should choose your words wisely.”

  “We are so fucked,” Sally mumbled. Knowing my own penchant for verbal sparring, I wasn’t entirely sure she was incorrect.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Fortunately, there weren’t any handcuffs or restraints added to the scenario, another perk of my current station. Marching in with my head held high, as opposed to dragged in chains, might have a bit of a psychological effect in my favor ... hopefully.

  Christy left us to rejoin her own group, assuring us she’d keep them in check for the time being. It was small comfort at best. The witches were the least of my worries, though. Being torn limb from limb by a bunch of Sasquatches was my chief concern right at that moment. Of course, being disintegrated by the giant glowing ball of doom wouldn’t exactly be a walk in the park either.

  Oh, well, I was sure I had an ace up my sleeve ... somewhere. Hopefully I could even figure out what that was before it was too late.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  In many ways, I was kind of glad that Turd had set me up as the bad guy the day before. It made the crowd’s reaction to my entrance seem less surprising. I was already used to feeling like the heel at a WWE event. I could handle this.

  SPPT

  “Take that, assassin!”

  Or not.

  Eww, goblin spit. That was fucking nasty. Got it in my hair, too. Jesus Christ, when this was all over (assuming I survived) I was going to spend an entire week in a nice hot shower.

  “Ouch!” Again! This time, some little six-armed pixie thing nailed me in the forehead with an acorn. It was so comforting to know that, regardless of species, angry mobs were pretty much all the same.

  James’s men and Nergui all moved closer to me. James was right – compelled or not, Nergui was still doing his duty. That was something, I guess.

  Sorta, anyway. Some flying thing buzzed over us and spilled its drink on my head ... at least I hoped it was a drink.

  Either way, it was clear someone had been working the crowd against me. It was pretty obvious who that someone was. François had probably made a beeline back to the conference after escaping. It made sense. After all, he had more to gain by ratting me out than by staying and fighting. He knew I couldn’t kill Turd without starting a war. Conversely, if Turd won, he would have killed my friends and dragged my battered body back for the same end result. I had walked right into their trap just like a dumbass.

  Sure enough, standing there in the arena was François surrounded by his lackeys. One of his legs was wrapped in blood-soaked bandages. That was odd. He had already been healing when last I saw him.

  I didn’t see any sign of Turd yet, but did notice an awful lot of fur. Numerous Sasquatches stood around the perimeter of the meeting area, far more than had been there on previous days. That explained the empty village earlier. This was supposed to be a momentous day. After all, it was rumored that a new treaty was to be announced. Now, though, they all had a possible execution to look forward to as well. Wonderful; two spectacles for the price of one.

  James and his men marched us to the bottom of the valley. There, all but Nergui stepped aside. Rather than leave and take their seats as before, they all moved to the perimeter. My friends and I were left standing there, unshackled and unguarded. It was clear, though, that such precautions were unnecessary. Considering the vamps and Sasquatches standing all around, there was no chance for escape.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  A crackle of thunder blasted forth, no doubt meant to catch the crowd’s attention. However, they were far rowdier than in days past. Our floating moderator thingee actually had to do it twice to get everyone to quiet down. I was personally hoping to see whether it would do so a third time or just start disintegrating random creatures. That’d be a hell of a way to deal with hecklers. Unfortunately, no such luck. The orb glowed brightly for a moment, possibly irked that its authority had been questioned, but then settled back down to its normal weirdness.