The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  And then, he wasn’t there. Another fist had entered my field of vision from the other side. It was where François had been just a moment earlier. Before I could see who it belonged to, though, I found myself flopping to the ground, gasping, and holding my now-gushing throat.

  My attacker was gone, but the damage had been done. I had already lost far too much blood today. I didn’t have any left to spare. The world continued graying out. It was time for a nice long nap...

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Or maybe not. An angel appeared in my field of vision, a pretty blonde angel. Gee, if Heaven was populated with babes like this, I couldn’t wait to get there. Rather than fly me to my final resting place, though, the angel then did something a bit weird. She held up her arm and tore into her wrist with her teeth ... her very long and sharp teeth. Did Angels have fangs? Maybe I wasn’t going to Heaven after all. Still, if she was indicative of the demons waiting for me below, that might not be so bad either.

  “Don’t fucking argue with me, just take this!” the demonic angel commanded before jamming her arm against my mouth.

  Ooh yummy! I thought, slurping the blood from her wrist – although I could think of other parts I would rather suck on a lot more. This babe was definitely a tasty dish. I couldn’t believe Sally was...

  Wait, that was her name – Sally!

  The fog slowly began to clear from my head. I was lying on the ground and Sally was force feeding me her own blood. That was a little out of the ordinary. My vision became clearer and I saw not only her, but the worried faces of my roommates looking down upon me, too.

  How the fuck did...?

  Oh, yeah. François had tried ripping my head off ... had done a pretty good job of it too, if I remembered correctly. And Sally was ... hot damn, Sally was saving my ass. She wasn’t nearly as powerful as some other vamps I had mixed it up with. Still, she was more than twice my age. That meant I would get at least a minor healing boost above and beyond my own abilities.

  Sure enough, it seemed to be working. I didn’t feel particularly wonderful, but I could sense the worst of the damage beginning to knit itself shut.

  I took one last sip, then gently pushed her arm away. She and my friends looked down expectantly at me.

  “I’d have rather been breast fed,” I croaked.

  “He’ll live,” she replied with mock disgust, not even bothering to disguise the smile on her face.

  “Help me up,” I said, my voice still ragged and barely recognizable, but alive ... at least in the vampiric sense of the word.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Chaos had apparently broken out while I had been down. I could no longer see Turd – just a sea of angry, smelly fur as the Sasquatches converged in a group, angry growls coming from them.

  My friends were standing around me, probably making sure I didn’t keel over again. I turned and took in the rest of the surroundings. Our moderator hung in the air, glowing an angry green color, but otherwise not doing much of anything ... which was probably a good thing. I saw James’s men off to one side in an apparent standoff against François’s.

  Speaking of the devils, James had the asshole restrained in a chokehold. A silver dagger was in one of his hands tightly pressed against François’s back. François, for his part, wasn’t struggling. Smart. More powerful or not, he wouldn’t have been able to do much before James dusted him. Regardless, a part of me kind of hoped that he would try.

  The only one not doing anything was Nergui. Apparently still stuck under François’s compulsion, he stood there glassy-eyed and unmoving. Even with the attack against me, the compulsion was still too strong for his base beliefs to overcome. Oh, well, at least François hadn’t been able to compel him to attack me. Glass half full and all of that.

  “What happened to not getting involved?” I called out to James once my throat had mended enough to do so.

  He smiled and threw me a wink. “Your bad habits must be rubbing off on me.”

  “It matters not,” François spat. “I’ve still won.”

  The sad thing was, he was right. Peace was still our primary mission. Saving my own ass or not, that didn’t change. Even if his little syrup scheme got disrupted, peace would still mean a significant feather in his cap. He would probably wind up with a seat on the Draculas’ coven and, at that point, I’d have made an uber-influential enemy.

  “ENOUGH!” thundered through all of our minds. It wasn’t quite a compulsion, but it got my attention the same way an air horn to the ear would. If that had been vocal, I’m sure there would be ruptured eardrums all around.

  “THESE DISRUPTIONS HAVE BEEN TOLERATED, BUT NO MORE,” our moderator beamed out, again at triple volume. “ORDER WILL BE RESTORED NOW!”

  I gave James a nod and he released François. It was pretty clear from the warning that if he tried anything against me, he’d wind up a pile of ashes.

  “ALL WILL LEAVE THE FLOOR SAVE FOR THE LEADERS AND THEIR RESPECTIVE PARTIES.” It did not sound like a request.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  It took several minutes, even with the orb’s prodding, for order to be restored. Even then, the crowd continued whispering amongst itself. The Sasquatches seemed more interested in tearing Turd a new asshole than listening, but at last they backed off. They resumed their former places at the perimeter, but all kept their angry eyes locked onto their leader. Turd’s negotiators, meanwhile, had been replaced. Maybe they had been a part of the whole thing. Who knew? All I could tell was a new group now sat at the other end of the table, Grulg amongst them.

  For his part, Turd looked worried. A picture was beginning to form in my mind of what his share in all of this was. In exchange for letting François’s men tap their sacred trees, his gadget fetish would be well fed. Before you knew it, he and his buddies would probably be all pimped out with Cadillacs, PCs, and big screen TVs. It would be only a matter of time before more and more members of his tribe were seduced by technology. If that happened, within a few years they wouldn’t be all that different from us – in a manner of speaking, of course.

  “YOU ARE STILL ACCUSED, FREEWILL,” the moderator said. “WHAT SAY THE ACCUSER?”

  Oh boy. Turd could still drag me down with him if he wanted. Peace would be maintained, but they could still demand my head on a platter.

  Before Turd could speak, though, Grulg growled something at him in a language I couldn’t understand. The others at the table snarled similar vocalizations.

  Turd finally spoke, his eyes downcast. “Misunderstanding between us ... me ... and T’lunta Freewill. Accusation dropped.”

  My friends and I let out a collective sigh of relief.

  I turned toward the crowd and caught sight of François. He noticed me and our eyes locked long enough for me to mouth “Fuck you” to him. I then turned back to the negotiating table with a smile on my face.

  “THE CHARGES ARE DROPPED AND STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD,” Glow-ball said, thus making it official. Oh, yeah, case dismissed with prejudice, baby! “AN ANNOUNCEMENT WAS TO HAVE BEEN MADE. SHALL THAT TOO BE STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD? IF SO, NEGOTIATIONS WILL CONTINUE.”

  Oh, yeah. We were back to that. Damn, didn’t Alex say that peace had taken a year to hash out last time? I was really hoping, now that the drama was over and done with, we weren’t going to be settling in for the long haul. I was starting to jones for a hot shower.

  Grulg stood and spoke, giving Turd one last growl before doing so. “New treaty invalid,” he said. Yep, I’d better change my name to Tarzan and get used to living in the wilderness. “We instead offer T’lunta the Humbaba Accord. We reinstate old treaty as was done by our ancestors.”

  Whoa! That was a surprise ... a pleasant one, too. I once more sought out François in the crowd. The look on his face was priceless. I quickly flipped him the finger. No syrup for you, douchebag. Sure, he’d still likely get a seat on the First Coven, but at least he wouldn’t profit obscenely in the process. A small victory, but I’d take it.

  “AN OFFER FOR PEACE
HAS BEEN MADE. FREEWILL, DO YOUR PEOPLE ACCEPT?”

  I didn’t bother to wait for François’s asshole buddies to open their mouths. Alex had told me I was running the show, so it was finally time to take charge.

  “We accept,” I said.

  With that, the crowd went wild, except this time, it was finally in my favor.

  A Small Piece of Peace

  “PEACE HAS BEEN BROKERED IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE TERMS SET FORTH IN THE HUMBABA ACCORD...”

  Awesome!

  “THE EXCHANGE OF VOWS WILL TAKE PLACE IMMEDIATELY TO SEAL THE PACT.”

  Vows? Okay, I guess we needed to pledge ourselves to maintaining the peace. Not a big deal.

  “AS WAS DONE BEFORE, SO AGAIN SHALL THE LEADERS OF BOTH PARTIES TAKE A MATE FROM THE OPPOSING SIDE AS A SHOW OF FELLOWSHIP.”

  Hold on ... What? “Did he just...”

  “I’m pretty sure he did,” Ed said, a smirk starting to work its way onto his face.

  “Does that mean...”

  “THE MATES SHALL BE SELECTED AND MARRIAGE BONDS MADE IN ACCORDANCE WITH EACH SPECIES’ RESPECTIVE BELIEFS.”

  Tom started snickering. “Congrats, Bill. Guess you’re a family man now.”

  “Fuck you, dude.”

  “Yeah, Bill,” Sally added, not bothering to conceal her mirth. “Have fun staying with the in-laws over the holidays.”

  “TURD, YOUR CHOICE?”

  Both defeat and disgust were evident on Turd’s face. He morosely huffed, “Turd’s daughter.”

  One of the creatures at the periphery stepped forward. Oh my God. It was over seven feet tall, uglier by far than even my worst blind date, and had tits that drooped almost to the ground.

  “That’s going to be one hell of a wedding night,” Ed commented.

  Assholes, all of them.

  “FREEWILL, WHO WILL YOU OFFER?”

  “Who ... I...” A truly evil thought hit me. I turned to Sally. “Partners forever, right?”

  Her eyes opened wide. “Hold on! I swear to God if you...”

  She never got to finish the threat for we were suddenly drowned out by a collective gasp from the crowd. What the?!

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I quickly scanned the audience and saw all eyes facing the same direction. I followed them back to my bride-to-be. That’s when I saw it.

  The hilt of a dagger was protruding from her chest. I recognized the weapon. She glanced down at it, a confused look on her apelike face, and then, without making a sound, fell backwards to land on the ground dead.

  I quickly spun around. “Nergui?”

  He stood there calmly, his arm still outstretched.

  “What the fuck, dude?”

  “The princess was specific in her orders,” he said calmly. “None but she are to wed the Freewill.”

  Holy fuck! That was the thing to snap him out of his compulsion?!

  “I have fulfilled my duty,” he continued with a smile. “I can die with honor.”

  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Motherfucking Gan!

  Before I could turn to address the table, an earth-splitting roar of rage caught my ear. I spun back around to find looks of outrage on the faces of each and every Bigfoot in the place. Grulg stood and pointed a massive finger at Nergui.

  Ten of the creatures immediately rushed forward from the sidelines. They descended upon Gan’s overly loyal minion, clawing and tearing. He didn’t even put up a fight. In fact, he was still smiling when he finally disappeared from my sight. Within moments, I saw the telltale flash of fire that said Nergui was no more. Just like that, he was gone, but the beasts didn’t stop there. Driven into a frenzy of rage, they continued to stomp and pound on his ashes.

  Oh, crap. How the fuck did this happen? We were so close.

  “Listen, Grulg, Turd. I...”

  But it was too late. Turd stood, once again firmly in charge, and shouted, “WAR DECLARED!”

  Fuck me sideways with a jackhammer.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Pandemonium erupted. Howls and cries rose up all around us. Flashes of energy could be seen in the stands as myriad creatures readied themselves for battle. In the midst of it all, I sat back down in my seat, utterly stunned.

  “What do we do now?” Tom asked.

  “Fucked if I know,” I answered honestly. I again looked around. Aside from Nergui, there didn’t appear to be much bloodshed ... yet. However, there was a lot of angry posturing.

  Across the table, I saw Turd lunge out of his seat, but several of the Sasquatches present restrained him before he could dive across the table at us. With a nod from Grulg, they began dragging him away ... although whether to save him from the fight that was about to break out, or for another fate, well, who knew?

  I looked up at the glowing orb of death that continued to levitate above the table while everything went to Hell around us. Maybe there was still a chance to salvage this.

  “Excuse me!” I shouted to it, my voice barely heard above the din. The entity flashed once, which I took as acknowledgement to go on. “Is there any way you can...”

  “A DECISION HAS BEEN REACHED IN THIS ACCORD,” it interrupted. “UNFORTUNATE THOUGH IT MAY BE, MY DUTY HERE IS CONCLUDED. FAREWELL, FREEWILL.”

  “What? Hold on a...”

  Before I could finish the sentence, there was an incredible crash of thunder and lightning. It was both blinding and deafening. When at last it subsided, the moderator was gone. Silence returned to the area ... for a moment anyway.

  “Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you, too!” I barked at the empty space it had occupied just moments earlier.

  “I’m sure that’ll help,” Sally muttered.

  “Freewill!” one of the creatures across the table cried. “Kill the Freewill!”

  Another joined in. “Kill the T’lunta!”

  Oh crap.

  Before they could make good on their threats, however, a roar drowned them all out. It was Grulg. Fuck! I remembered what he said would happen if we went to war. Just like that, I once more found myself unsure that any of us were going to make it out of there alive.

  Once again, though, Grulg surprised me.

  “No!” he commanded, catching many of the Sasquatches’ attention. “This sacred place. Under truce.” He leaned across the table and looked me in the eye. “Truce remain until sun come up. Leave this place ... now.”

  Some of the others looked as if they were about to raise a protest, but Grulg shouted them all down. Eventually they began to back off. It was odd. Had it been my side that had the superior numbers, I’m not sure we would have let them walk away to regroup.

  One by one, the Sasquatches heeded the order. They turned and left. Grulg was the last to go. Our eyes met just before he turned away. I could have sworn there was the ghost of a smile on his face. In the end, he had gotten what he wanted ... his honor. Maybe there was something to that after all.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The witnesses to this clusterfuck of a peace conference quickly took the hint. Many of them beat feet out of the area. Others disappeared in flashes of light. A few even melted away into nothingness. While this went on, I sat there with my friends, none of us speaking, just watching it happen. Little by little, the crowd dispersed until only a few beings remained. At last, a white-robed figure caught my eye. Christy was walking toward us.