The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

Bill: More or less. Crosses don’t do jack by themselves. I could strip naked and roll around in a box of crucifixes and it wouldn’t do a goddamn thing.

  Me: Thanks for the imagery.

  Bill: No problem. The thing is, it’s all about belief. If you believe in a cross enough, it’ll work. But, here’s the catch – that applies to just about anything. If your mom believes in her dildo enough – *poof* – instant vampire slayer.

  Me: Truly a concept worth considering. Moving on, you’re the head of a clan of vampires correct?

  Bill: Coven. It’s called a coven of vampires.

  Me: Aren’t covens for witches?

  Bill: That’s what I thought. But no...oh, and don’t get me started on witches. My roommate, Tom, is banging one and what a fucking psycho bitch she is. The other day...

  Me: I’ll be talking to Tom in another interview, so we can cover it then. Back to your coven...

  Bill: Fine! You don’t want to hear my story, that’s just dandy. Fuck you too, dude.

  Me: Your coven?

  Bill: Yeah yeah. It’s called Village Coven because it’s located in the Village section of New York City. Real fucking original name isn’t it? Anyway, I wound up in charge after snuffing the previous head, a douchebag named Jeff, who just so happened to be the reason I’m going to spend all of eternity sucking down blood clots.

  Me: You killed Jeff? According to my notes, your partner...

  Bill: Does it really matter?! As far as the record goes, yes I killed Jeff – not Sally, me!

  Me: There’s no need to get your bat wings all ruffled.

  Bill: Don’t make me smack you.

  Me: I’ve heard some of the others I’ve spoken with refer to you as the Freewill. What is that exactly?

  Bill: Yeah, it’s another stupid name. Vampires seem to have a thing for them. But anyway the long and short of it is that it stands for the fact that I can’t be controlled by other vamps.

  Me: That’s odd, because I heard you talking on the phone to another vampire – Sally, I believe – and it sounded a lot like...

  Bill: No, that’s just her being a bossy bitch. I mean mind control. Older vampires can actually control younger vampires psychically. It’s called compulsion and pretty much all vampires can do it if they’re old enough. I’m the lone exception. It doesn’t work on me. Hence, Freewill.

  Me: That could be handy.

  Bill: Tell me about it. Vampires are a freaky bunch. Last thing I want is one of them getting into a mood and trying to command me to eat dog shit or suck his dick. No sir!

  Me: Is that all there is to it?

  Bill: No. It’s got some other perks, too. For example, I can drink another vampire’s blood. Before you say anything to that, you need to forget any shit you’ve seen on pay cable. It doesn’t work that way in real life. A normal vampire drinking another’s blood is kind of like you downing a bottle of Drano. Once again, except for me. Somehow I’m able to drink vamp blood and not only do I not puke my guts out, but it actually kind of amps me up for a while. I mean we’re talking Hulk Smash shit here.

  Me: And there’s the prophecy, too, right?

  Bill: Which one? Apparently there’re a ton of Freewill prophecies – both inside and outside of the vampire community. All crap as far as I’m concerned. This ain’t Hogwarts and my last name isn’t Potter. They can all take their prophecies and shove them so far up their asses that...

  Me: Thank you for that wonderful mental picture, I’m sure. Bill, it’s been a pleasure speaking with you.

  Bill: That’s it?! Don’t you want to know anything cool...like all the babes I’ve...

  Me: That’s quite alright. I have enough for this interview.

  Bill: Whatever. Just make sure you don’t forget to send me those royalty checks.

  Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good

  Me: Your name is Sally, correct?

  Sally: Yes

  Me: Sally what?

  Sally: Sally is just fine, thanks.

  Me: Is that your real name?

  Sally: What do you mean?

  Me: Well, Bill implied your name starts with an L, like...

  Sally: Next question, meatsack.

  Me: Err, anyway. You’re a vampire like Bill, correct?

  Sally: Yes I’m a vampire, but no I’m not like Bill. I have a social life on the weekend.

  Me: Interesting distinction. Moving on, I know why Bill is speaking to me. However, I’m curious as to why you agreed to do so. After all, I’m led to believe that vampires as a whole don’t want the world to know they exist. Is that not correct?

  Sally: Two reasons really. One, Bill asked me to do this...about five hundred fucking times. I agreed so that he’d finally shut the fuck up. Secondly, let’s face facts; I’ve read the shit you write. How many people are actually going to believe you? Two, maybe three?

  Me: A few more than that I’d say.

  Sally: (rolls eyes) Whatever you want to believe. Bottom line is that if you were from someplace real – like say the New York Times – I’d have snapped your neck and fileted you by now. As it is, you’ll excuse me if I’m not too worried about the masses taking up pitchforks and torches against us.

  Me: When you put it that way... Getting back to the topic of vampires, how old are you exactly, Sally?

  Sally: Never ask a vampire her age, we tend to get all bitey about things like that. Suffice it to say I’m a bit older than Bill. Ballpark, looking at you I’d say your mom could have been one of my classmates.

  Me: You’re a member of Bill’s coven, correct? What’s it like to...

  Sally: No, I’m Bill’s partner. I run the coven with him. Think of it like Parliament and the Crown. Bill might be king, but I’m the prime minister.

  Me: In a lot of cultures the king is just a figurehead and the prime minster wields all the power.

  Sally: See? Not as stupid as you look. Oh by the way...my eyes are up here, mister. I catch your peepers heading south again and I’m gonna rip them out of your head.

  Me: Oh, sorry. No offense was meant, miss. Um, next question...how would you describe your relationship with Bill?

  Sally: (another eye roll) It’s complicated.

  Me: As in romantically?

  Sally: NO! What I mean is that half the time Bill drives me bugshit crazy. The guy is like the lord of the dweebs. Under normal circumstances, our social cliques would just not mix. I mean look at me...it was a figure of speech for Christ’s sake. Keep your eyes up here, you fucking perv. Last warning!

  Me: Sorry.

  Sally: Where was I? Oh yeah, Bill. So sometimes I just want to stake the guy myself to put him out of his dorky misery. But the rest of the time he’s like the best friend I ever had. I mean seriously, he’s gone to bat for me when other vamps would have bailed and hopped on the next bus out of town. By the way, don’t let me hear that you repeated that to him or I’ll make a jump rope out of your intestines.

  Me: Mum’s the word (slips recorder into pocket). So as Bill’s partner in the coven, what do you do exactly?

  Sally: I mostly keep the other vampires from ripping him to pieces. See, he has these ridiculous notions of us being kinder and gentler monsters. The guy must have watched one too many episodes of the Care Bears as a kid. Anyway, he keeps trying to make us go against our baser nature.

  Me: That being?

  Sally: We’re apex predators, end of story. You’re a pathetic little gazelle and I’m a goddamned crocodile. Get my drift? Bill, though, apparently lives in this delusional world where we all coexist like we’re in some fucking Disney movie. He keeps trying to curb our appetites and as a result he tends to piss a lot of people off. I don’t care if he is the Freewill, he’s not Superman. He ruffles enough feathers and he’s going to get gang-staked.

  Me: And this is where you come in?

  Sally: Correct-a-mundo! I make sure the blood keeps flowing, the bodies keep piling up, and that he gets the credit for it – whether he likes it or not. That way everyone is happy.


  Me: Except for Bill.

  Sally: Yeah well, you can’t make an omelet...

  Me: Tell me about the hotline that Bill had mentioned to me.

  Sally: (smiles) That brilliant stroke of genius? I don’t like to toot my own horn, well not all the time anyway, but that was definitely an inspired work of Darwinian proportions. It kills at least three birds with one stone, maybe more. The coven gets fresh blood, Bill looks good in the process, and we weed out people who were probably just going to remove themselves from the gene pool anyway. It’s a win win scenario!

  Me: I’m not sure I’d call it that. You’re preying on the weak and vulnerable.

  Sally: Says you. According to the Daily News we are, and I quote: “from dusk until dawn, a shining beacon of hope for the city’s forgotten.” God, I love that one.

  Me: You’re a regular Mother Theresa.

  Sally: Screw that. She never looked this good. Brains, brawn, and beauty...what would Bill do without me?

  Me: Indeed. What would he do without you?

  Sally: Probably die in about five minutes (stands). Well, it’s been real, but time’s up, fleshwad. I have places to be and people much better looking than you to see.

  Me: Thank you for your time.

  Sally: The pleasure was all yours. Now if you’ll just kindly keep your eyes away from my ass as I leave, I might not have to kill you.

  Me: No problem (waits for her to walk out). Crazy bitch.

  Sally: (from down the hall) I heard that!

  (sounds of running as the recording plays out)

  Session 3: Bad Things Come in Small Packages

  This interview was unique in that it was conducted via video chat. In addition, the subject refused to speak with me unless Bill Ryder agreed to be in the room during it.

  Bill: Okay, let’s get this over with (punches a few keys. A man appears on the screen after a few seconds. He’s Asian in appearance and appears to be wearing some sort of armor). Hey, Nergui. Can you hear me?

  Nergui: Yes, Freewill. We are connected.

  Bill: Is Gan there?

  Nergui: Indeed. The princess will speak with you now.

  (He gets up and his spot is taken by a girl of seemingly pre-teen age. She seems disinterested at first until she peers at the screen – then her eyes go wide.)

  Gan: Is that you, beloved?

  Bill: Hi, Gan, and please don’t call me that.

  Gan: Why are you in this strange box?

  Bill: It’s a monitor.

  Gan: I see. Will the yellow one be on it when we are done?

  Bill: No, Gan. I don’t think they rebroadcast Spongebob in Mongolia. Anyway, here’s the nice man I was telling you about. He’s going to ask you some questions.

  Me: Hello. May I call you Gan?

  Gan: No you may not, human. I am Gansetseg, shadow mistress of Asia and heir to the empire of the great Khan. You may address me accordingly.

  Nergui: (from off screen) Your Highness would be acceptable.

  Me: Uh, sure. Whatever. Now if we can just...

  Gan: Dr. Death, please kill the human. I find him insolent.

  Bill: Yeah okay, Gan. I’ll kill him as soon as we’re through?

  Gan: Excellent, beloved. You may ask me your questions now, human.

  Me: Thank you, your highness. So is it true that you’re over three hundred years old?

  Gan: Yes. I would imagine it hard for a limited creature such as yourself to understand, but I have walked this Earth for the span of three centuries.

  Me: Is it difficult to have spent that entire time as a little girl?

  Gan: I am no little girl. I am a woman! Would a child be betrothed to a fine man such as Dr. Death?

  Bill: Gan!

  Me: No, I suppose not.

  Bill: Don’t encourage her!

  Gan: My feelings require no encouragement from the human.

  Bill: Grrr...Let’s just move on. Next question.

  Me: Sure. Gan...err...your highness, considering your age, you must have a unique perspective on the modern world. Would you care to share any insights?

  Gan: I live very much the same as I ever have. I am adored by the nomadic covens under my rule. I have vampires who serve me, the undead to cater to my oxen, and humans to provide me with nourishment.

  Me: Undead? I thought...

  Bill: She means zombies. Vamps keep them around as day labor.

  Me: I see.

  Gan: I have encountered bits and pieces of your so called modern world – the vulgar place you call New York...

  Me: That’s probably not a bad way to describe it.

  Gan: Do not interrupt me again, human! Dr. Death, if he does so, please eviscerate him.

  Bill: Yeah sure, whatever, Gan.

  Gan: Excellent! Now as I was saying before being rudely interrupted by this lesser being, I find your modern world to be pointless. All of your technology has done nothing more than weaken your already sad little species. If it weren’t for the yellow one, I’d consider razing it all to the ground and being done with it.

  Me: I’m certain the fine folks at Nickelodeon would be proud to know that they’re the only ones standing between us and Armageddon.

  Gan: Nicke...?

  Me: Sorry, just thinking out loud to myself.

  Gan: You humans are odd that way.

  Me: You and Bill seem to have an interesting relationship.

  Bill: Do you really have to get her started?

  Me: Sorry, I meant aside from the...err...romantic aspects of it.

  Bill: (under his breath) Asshole!

  Gan: Yes. He is the Freewill our seers have foretold, the one who shall lead us back into the light. He is unique amongst all our kind – a fitting concubine for one such as I.

  Bill: Focus, Gan!

  Gan: Oh very well, beloved. I do so for you. We have many prophecies that speak of his deeds to come. Even now, he aspires to greatness. He shall be the one to lead us to victory in our war against the Alma.

  Me: Alma?

  Bill: Uh yeah. Trust me, don’t ask. It’s a long story.

  Gan: Why do you deny it, beloved? You shall be the one to crush the hairy beasts under your iron fist. You shall lay them low. You shall march fearlessly against their unstoppable masses. You shall...

  Bill: I’ll stay in fucking New York where the worst I have to deal with are asshole cabbies and rude street vendors. That’s what I shall do, thank you very much.

  Gan: You cannot deny your destiny, beloved.

  Bill: Watch me...and stop calling me beloved!

  Gan: Very well, my love.

  Bill: ARGH! (storms out)

  Me: Um, we’ve gotten a little sidetracked.

  Gan: I should say so, human. My beloved was supposed to kill you before he left.

  Me: Yeah about that...

  Gan: It is no matter. Nergui, send your assassins to America. Find the insolent human and bring his head back to me.

  Nergui: (off screen) As you wish, Princess. I am tracing his location now.

  Me: Well, will you look at the time. Sorry, your highness, but it seems there’s a problem with our connection.

  Gan: Do not be foolish! There is nothing wrong with... (screen goes blank as plug is pulled)

  Me: I really need to get a different job.

  Session 4: Normalcy is Overrated

  Author’s note: This interview was perhaps my favorite of the bunch – not so much because the subjects were ageless, exotic or even interesting. No, it was because this was one of the few where I didn’t feel I was about to be killed for asking the wrong question. Occasionally it is nice to be able to have a conversation and know that you’re not being sized up as a snack.

  Me: Good day to you both. Can you please tell me your names?

  Ed: My name is Ed Vesser.

  Tom: Tom McIntyre.

  Me: Thank you. Now can you explain to me the nature of your relationship with Bill Ryder?

  Tom: Whoa there! I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I
’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m strictly hetero.

  Ed: He didn’t mean that kind of relationship, stupid. We’re Bill’s roommates.

  Me: And you’re both human, correct?

  Ed: Well I am anyway. The jury’s still out on him (hooks thumb at Tom).

  Me: How long have you known Bill?

  Tom: We grew up together. I met him in Kindergarten. We’ve been buds ever since.

  Ed: I’ve known Bill for about six years, ever since college.

  Me: So what do you both do for a living?

  Ed: I’m a graphic designer at Hopskotchgames, same company as Bill. In fact, I helped get him the job there...had to put in a major good word for him after he blew the interview.

  Me: Blew the interview?

  Ed: Yep. He took one look at our boss’s secretary and could barely remember his name. He’s been following her around like a little lost puppy ever since. Kinda pathetic, if you ask me.

  Me: Interesting. How about you, Tom?

  Tom: I work on Wall Street. I probably shouldn’t say the company. They’re a big bank and they tend to frown on anyone talking about them without going through our PR department first. Hell, I can’t even sign in to Facebook at work. But that doesn’t matter. It won’t be for long. See, I have this collection of...

  Ed: Do we really have to go into that?

  Tom: Dude, don’t be jealous. Once I’ve made my fortune, I’ll remember to invite you over to my mansion...occasionally.

  Me: What exactly are you talking about?

  Ed: Delusions.

  Tom: Reality! I have an entire storage bin full of collectibles; action figures, comic books, baseball cards...you name it. One day it’s all going up on eBay and then BAM...I retire in style.

  Ed: You’ll be lucky to get pocket change for some of that shit.

  Me: Oh yeah...I seem to recall something about a specific action figure...

  Ed: Oh god, here we go.

  Tom: Yeah! Optimus Prime...mint out of the box. And Bill’s fucking vampire friends broke it.

  Ed: Never mind that they almost broke us, too! One stupid toy was a small price to pay, yet we still haven’t heard the end of it.

  Tom: Nor will you ever.

  Ed: Unless I kill you in your sleep...