by Diana Nixon
You know how much I hate saying goodbye, and this time is not going to be an exception. I hope that by the time you read this letter, the pain will have gotten easier. I don’t want Daniel to give it to you now, because I realize that you are not ready to read it.
I’m sorry for the mess I’m leaving behind me. I’m sorry for everything that I did wrong, and I’m sorry for leaving you to deal with the consequences of the last decision I’ll ever make…
I love you so much, sister. You rock, and we both know it. :)
Don’t lose the light in your eyes that I always loved to see there. It made my days so much happier. :) Tell Mom and Dad that I love them, too. Who knows, maybe one day they will get back together.
And one more thing… Don’t leave Daniel. You are the only person able to make him live and make his dreams come true. Without you, he will lose everything that I have been trying for years to build in him. You are his strength and the only love of his life. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. No matter how different the two of you are, you are so much alike; maybe even more than you can see yourself. I would be very happy to see the two of you together…
I made a lot of mistakes, but I also did a lot of good things. I only hope that the last step I take won’t be the biggest of my failures…
This is my life, and now that it’s almost over, I only want to say once again that I don’t regret a thing; never did, and never will. Everything happens for a reason. Remember that when you feel like there’s no way out. Remember that when you are lost. There is always someone willing to help you get through all the obstacles that life has prepared for you. Don’t push that person away, he might be the most valuable treasure that you ever have.
I’ll see you in my dreams, Beautiful…
With love
Adrian
I read the last line, and felt my heart bouncing in my chest. The accident wasn’t accidental, he actually wanted to die...
“Oh, my God,” I whispered, dropping the letter. More memories came to my head.
It was a beautiful day. So uncharacteristically warm for the end of December. There were many people standing around me. Some were crying, others simply stood with their eyes looking at nothing in particular. The ground under my feet was covered with a thin layer of fresh snow. Adrian always liked snow, I thought to myself. Now, it was the moment to say our final goodbyes, but I knew how much my brother hated it. He always said that goodbyes were pointless because if the afterlife really existed we would still see each other there.
I smiled slightly, remembering the moments when Adrian and I argued about that. He always laughed at me and said that I was too stubborn to accept his stupid theory so easily. The pain in my heart got stronger as I realized that we would never talk again, let alone fight or laugh.
My eyes travelled to the top of the hill, hiding the grave from the rest of the cemetery, and there I saw Daniel, standing with his hands in his pockets.
My blood boiled with anger. I didn’t even bother to excuse myself, I rushed to where he was standing and slapped him hard in the face.
“How dare you come here?” I said in a whisper, burning him with my piercing stare. “How dare you come here after what you did to him?”
“You don’t know what you are talking about,” Daniel said dryly.
“No, really?” I laughed hysterically at his words. “Then, why don’t you finally tell me the truth? How did the accident happen?”
Daniel shook his head, lowering his eyes. “Just the way you saw it,” he said, meeting my eyes again. I hated him so much at the moment.
“Screw you, Daniel. Get out of here, and never, EVER come here again. Am I making myself clear?”
“Crystal,” he said, before he turned around and walked away, leaving me even angrier than I was before he showed up.
Now, the memories of that day seemed so unreal. I took a deep breath, trying to wrap my mind around everything that just happened. He was there, he knew the truth and he never told me anything. But, there still was one thing that seemed to be missing… How did Daniel happen to be right there? How did he know that Adrian would be driving down that damn street? How?
I shook my head trying to decide what to do next. Obviously, Angela would have to make a new plan for the day, because there was no way I would spend it entertaining her.
Chapter 23
A loud knock at my bedroom door said it all: my father’s girl was getting impatient. I didn’t give a fuck.
“Kassie, I’ll wait for you downstairs!” she shouted from behind the closed door.
I rushed to open it and said, “Sorry, Angie; plans have changed.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I won’t be able to accompany you to the café, but you are free to go there on your own.”
“But-”
“I’m really sorry, but I have an emergency to deal with.”
With those words, I shut the door right in her face and started getting dressed. I needed to see Daniel, like right now.
When I finally found my phone, I dialed his number, taking a few deep breaths to calm down and so that I wouldn’t shout at him.
“Morning.”
“Kas?” He cleared his throat and said, “Morning.”
“You sound like you are surprised to hear from me.”
Apparently, he was sure I wouldn’t talk to him ever again after I read Adrian’s letter.
“Um, no, of course not. I’m glad to hear from you. Is everything okay?” Daniel’s intuition never failed.
“Not exactly. We need to talk.”
I could hear his sigh, indicating he knew that the talk wouldn’t be easy. “Sure. Come to my place.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen.” I hung up the phone, grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
I hadn’t been to Daniel’s in a long time. Now that my memories were back, I couldn’t stop thinking about the times we spent there together.
After Adrian was gone, I plunged into my work, hoping it would help me forget about everything that happened before and after that day. It didn’t help much. Here and there, I still kept finding things that reminded me of Daniel, and the more time passed since the last time I saw him, the more I missed him.
That’s why I sold my old apartment and got rid of everything that would remind me of the best and, at the same time, the worst part of my past. There was only one thing that I still needed to learn how to deal with: the auction. I knew how much my brother wanted it to happen, and after almost two years of misery I had finally found the courage to go to his house again and pick up everything that was supposed to be sold.
The day was rainy and I couldn’t help but admit that it mirrored my mood perfectly. I was so tired of everything; all I wanted now was to close the last chapter of my relationship with Daniel and move on.
The moment I crossed the threshold of my brother’s house, my heart sank at how cold and deserted the place looked. I removed a few sheets covering the furniture and realized that I should have taken care of the place a long time ago. Instead, I let it drown in dust, just like everything else about my messed-up life. Adrian would never approve of it.
Suddenly, I felt like I owed my brother an apology. I spent a whole day cleaning the house and trying my best to make it look just the way it used to. I always liked his place. When I was almost done with cleaning, I sat on a chair in front of the fireplace and remembered one thing that Adrian thought I didn’t know anything about: his so-called treasure chest. In reality, it was just a metal box with some small secrets of his inside.
I kneeled near the fireplace and removed one of the wooden floorboards. The box was still there. I went back to the chair and opened it, smiling at the memory of all those times I found it in order to see what my brother tried to keep hidden from me. Sometimes there were my presents for Christmas or Birthday, but today there was only one thing: a white envelope with Daniel’s name on it. I looked around cautiously, as if anyone could see me opening i
t. I was surprised to see that the letter was addressed to Daniel. Apparently, Adrian didn’t have time to give it to him. I took the envelope and opened it, not even thinking about the fact that it didn’t belong to me.
From the very first line, I knew it was a bad idea to read it. By the time I got to the last word, my heart was beating so fast, I doubted I could rise to my feet without fainting.
Adrian was sick and Daniel was the only person who knew about his secret. It was probably the first time in my entire life that I was so angry at my brother. How could he do that to me? Why Daniel and not me? How could Daniel keep it away from me? Everything that I loved so much about my brother didn’t mean a thing now. His lie was the worst betrayal ever, and I felt hurt like nothing on earth.
The silence around me was deafening. I tried to make the pain in my chest stop, but I failed. It felt like it was getting worse and worse with every passing second, and new sobs started rocking my body. My surroundings swayed slowly in front of my eyes. I pulled my knees to my chest and hid my face in my palms, trying to shut out the rush of thoughts in my head.
I don’t know how much time passed before I was able to think straight again. When I opened my eyes, the moon was shining brightly through the window, responding to my sorrows with the silver light of hope. I wiped away the tears rolling down my cheeks and ran out of the house.
I didn’t know what to do. No one but Daniel knew the truth about Adrian’s condition, which meant there wasn’t anyone I could talk to about what just happened. Daniel wasn’t an option.
And so, the decision about selling Adrian’s house was made. I thought it would be the first step into a new life with no more lies and stupid secrets. Even the café that I always loved so much, seemed like the last place in the world to go, I decided to sell it too. I called one of the real estate agencies and asked them to find buyers for both places. I, myself, wasn’t going to stay in the country any longer. I always wanted to see Italy, and for now, it felt like the best place to run away to. I was running away from my memories, my love, my pain and myself… In other words - from everything that my life consisted of for the last two years.
I didn’t tell anyone about my plans. Only when I was sure about whatever I was going to do, I called Daniel and asked him to help with the auction that he and Adrian wanted to organize together. Of course, he was more than surprised to hear from me, but I was surprised even more to realize how good it was to talk to him again, even thought I was still sure I hated him like hell.
And then… Well, then the explosion happened and ruined everything that I hoped would help me start my life from the very beginning. I was back to the old hell, with no way out…
My hand stopped half-way to the doorbell. Suddenly, I realized that I didn’t know how to start my conversation with Daniel. I was so nervous, my knees trembled.
When the door flew open, I almost gasped, seeing Daniel standing at the threshold.
“I saw you parking,” he said, nodding for me to come in.
He didn’t say anything else, and the uneasiness of the moment got even harder to deal with.
“So, you said you wanted to talk.”
I nodded, as I put my purse on the couch, trying to make myself say something.
“I read the letter,” I said finally, meeting his gaze.
He nodded in response, and kept watching me with the eyes that even now made the butterflies in my belly go wild. For a moment, I forgot what I wanted to talk about. All I wanted now, was to come closer and put my arms around Daniel’s chest, to feel his warmth and scent enveloping me, and the steady beat of his heart overshadowing everything but my love for him. He looked so wonderful: with a five o’clock shadow covering his cheeks; his messy hair fell down to his forehead, and I badly wanted to feel my fingers running through the silky strands. I almost growled at how perfect his imperfections looked.
I closed my eyes for a second, inhaling deeply. “Tell me everything,” I said, taking a seat on his couch. No matter how much I wanted to do the things that didn’t have anything to do with talking, we needed to make a few things clear.
Daniel moved one of the chairs closer to the couch and sat facing me with his elbows resting on his knees.
“What shall I start with?” he asked quietly. My eyes met his again, and I couldn’t help but notice how rich their dark-blue color was.
“Tell me about the day he told you about his disease.”
Daniel rubbed his face with his palms and leaned against the back of the chair, looking at nothing in particular.
“I knew something was wrong with him. He acted strange, and I wondered if it had anything to do with Emily. When I asked if everything was okay, he gave me the letters and said he didn’t want anyone to know about the time he was given by the doctors. Shock was not even close to what I felt at the moment. I refused to believe his words. I’m still not sure if I can accept the fact of losing him. Will it sound creepy if I say that I feel his presence all the time?”
“No,” I shook my head, smiling slightly. “I know what you mean. I feel the same.”
“I didn’t want to read his letter. I left it where I thought it was safe enough to keep it.”
“You still have keys to his house, don’t you?”
“I hope you are not angry that I kept them.”
“I’m not. I’m even embarrassed a little to know that you went there more than I did.”
“I always go there when I feel the need to talk to someone.”
“Why didn’t you come to me?”
Daniel smiled, leaning in to caress my cheek with his palm. “Do you think I never wanted to? But, you made it clear that you didn’t want to see me ever again, and I respected your choice.”
I smirked. “This is probably the first time I think I should have done everything the other way around.”
“Would you have taken me back?”
It was one of those questions that I never knew how to answer.
“I don’t know.”
“That’s exactly why I didn’t come. I didn’t want to fight with you anymore, and I knew that we would never be able to talk without fighting. I knew you had a hard time getting through your loss, but my life wasn’t any different, because I had lost both of you. I kept doing my best to help you with the café, even though you didn’t know anything about that. I became your secret admirer. It was still better than living without you.”
Daniel moved even closer so that now his breath was brushing my face. “I loved you so much,” he said, closing his eyes. “And I always will. No matter how far away you might send me after this conversation is over.”
I swallowed hard, trying to suppress the wild desire to pull his lips to mine. “I’m so tired of everything,” I said, enjoying the way his closeness was affecting me. “Do you think the hell that we live in will ever disappear?”
“I would do anything to make it disappear,” he replied, kissing my forehead softly.
“There’s only one more thing that I can’t understand.”
“What is it?”
“How did you happen to be on the same street that night?”
I didn’t need to add any more details; Daniel knew exactly what I was talking about.
“It wasn’t me driving the car.”
“What?” I stared at him in confusion.
“It was me,” Emily said, entering the living room.
Chapter 24
I’m sure I had never been so shocked before. I looked at Emily as if she had just said that my hair was blue.
“What did you say?” I asked, rising to my feet.
“Kassie, let her explain,” Daniel said, catching me by the hand.
“That night Adrian came here,” Emily said almost in a whisper. Even from the distance, I could see tears glistening in her eyes. “We were no longer together, but he still wanted to see me to say his final goodbye. But I… I didn’t know anything about his disease, and I couldn’t forgive him for breaking up with me. I yelled at him
for what felt like the one hundredth time already, and he left without saying a word. It only took me a few moments to realize how badly I wanted him back.”
“And what did you do?” I asked, feeling Daniel’s grip on my wrist tightening.
“I took the keys to Daniel’s car and sped after Adrian. He was driving like a mad man, and I thought if I hogged the road, he would stop. So I turned onto the parallel road that led to the crossroad where I thought I would catch him. But, Adrian didn’t even think to stop when the traffic light turned red, and I didn’t have time to stop. My car hit Adrian’s, and his BMW crossed into the oncoming lane, and-”
“Oh, my God.” Suddenly, I was short of breath. “How… I don’t understand. How did you end up behind bars?” I turned to Daniel.
“Emily called me and told me about the accident. I was five minutes away from where it happened. When I saw what happened, I made her take my bike and get the hell away from there, that I was going to pretend I was driving the car.”
“So, you covered up her crime and let everyone including me think that it was your fault?” I couldn’t believe my own words. The situation looked more than absurd to me.
“Yes,” Daniel said, shifting his eyes nervously between his sister and me.
“Wow… That is… Un-fucking-believable!” I reached for my purse, intending to leave, but Daniel stopped me.
“That’s not all,” he said, making me sit again.
“Seriously?” A nervous laugh escaped my lips. “What else don’t I know?”
“No one killed Adrian. He was already dead when the accident happened.”
“What?” I remembered the letter written for me, and my brother’s words about his final decision ever, but I still couldn’t put the pieces of the whole puzzle together.
