The Secret Story

by Cathy Hopkins

  Good reply, I thought. I laughed and Rob read the signs, good man, and made himself scarce.

  By the end of the evening, she was mine. Nicky. A date, next week and, if it went well, I’d take her to Aiden’s party and show her how we partied up in North London.

  Lucy’s diary

  5th June

  Dear diary, I am sorry I neglect you, it must be hard being a diary. Some weeks you get a lot of attention, some weeks you get none. Well, I can sympathise. I really can. Tony has been neglecting me like I have been neglecting you and it hurts. We’re supposed to be playing a game, cat and mouse type thing, but it feels like I am playing solo lately. Cue the song, All by myse-e-elf, to be sung in a diva voice. Yep. I have been busy being aloof and a challenge waiting for Tony to win me back but it feels like he’s lost interest.

  Maybe time to change my game and let him know that I’m not as disinterested as I seem. And, dear diary, I will try not to neglect you so much either.

  15th June

  Hi diary. Tony still not around much and every time I’ve been over to Nesta’s, he’s been out. Convenient, I think. Exam time, says Nesta. He’s been staying behind at the school library a lot. Hmm. Have been v. tempted to give in and call him, but resisted. He’s not the kind of boy who likes to be chased and also he might need his space to do exams. I know he takes schoolwork seriously. Roll on summer, that’s all I can say.

  ‘This has to be the best feeling in the world,’ I said to Nesta as we got out of the school gates.

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘Summer hols. Six weeks with no Miss Watkins . . . Six fabola weeks with Simon before he goes off to uni.’

  ‘And six weeks with Ben for me,’ said Izzie.

  ‘And I suppose we’ll be seeing you around at ours a fair bit,’ I said to TJ. She’s been seeing my elder brother Steve over the last few weeks.

  ‘What about you, Lucy?’ asked Nesta. ‘Going to give my poor brother a break? You’ve been giving him the run around for months now. I don’t think his ego can stand much more of it.’

  I grinned and pulled an envelope out of my rucksack. ‘I haven’t really been giving him the run around, you know I haven’t. Just haven’t seen him. I’ve been doing some thinking about him lately though and I’ve come to a decision.’

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘I’ve written him a card saying no more messing about, that I really like him and would like to get together over the summer.’

  The girls made various encouraging sounds so my plan was clearly OK by them. I’d been the odd one out lately, being the only singleton amongst us, and I felt that it was time to change that. I was ready for a ‘proper’ relationship and I could no longer come up with any reason why Tony and I shouldn’t go forward. I liked him, he liked me. Being cool all the time and not knowing what was really going on was getting boring when there could be some serious snog sessions happening instead. If he tried it on, I’d just be firm. My plan was to post the note and he’d get it first thing in the morning, so the first post box that we saw as we made our way down the road, I popped it in.

  Six glorious weeks to hang out with Tony. We’d all have a boyfriend. It could be the summer to remember!

  The phone in the hall rang soon after I’d got home.

  ‘For you,’ Mum called to me.

  I went into the hall and picked up the receiver. It was Tony.

  ‘Hi,’ he said. ‘What are you doing later? Fancy meeting up? I, er, want to talk to you about something.’

  Ohmigod, I thought. He wants to see me. Wants to talk to me. This is so amazing. I just know he’s going to ask me if we can date seriously. It has to be that. The last few times I’ve seen him, he has hinted at it. We are so in tune.

  He asked me to meet him in Raj’s café in Highgate so after I’d put down the phone, I changed into my jeans and a clean T-shirt. A squirt of perfume and a slick of lip-gloss and I was off.

  As I sat on the bus, I decided not to say anything about the card. It would be so sweet. He’d ask me about hanging out in the summer and I can play it cool just a bit longer and say I have to think about it and then tomorrow, he’ll get my card and know that we’d been thinking along exactly the same lines all the time. It would be so romantic. It was working out so perfectly.

  Rob walked up the hill towards Raj’s café with me.

  ‘It will be OK. Lucy’s cool,’ I said.

  Rob looked at me with disbelief. ‘You’re going to tell her that you’ve met someone else. Yeah. Sure. It will be OK.’

  ‘Well maybe not that I’ve met someone else, I just want to get things clear with her so she doesn’t get hurt.’

  ‘As in, “Can we be friends?”’ said Rob. ‘Yeah. I think everyone knows exactly what that means.’

  ‘I do want to be friends with her. I do, but no way would I ever come out with that line to her. I know I’ve used it before but she deserves better. I am not looking forward to this.’

  ‘No. Wouldn’t imagine you are, mate. Think I’d rather chew my own arm off, in fact,’ said Rob.

  ‘Yeah, be easier. I don’t know. What am I going to say? How do I put it?’

  ‘Lucy, you’re dumped?’ Rob offered.

  ‘But she isn’t dumped. That’s just it. We aren’t even going out properly. I haven’t even seen her around lately. We’ve kept missing each other – when she’s been over to see Nesta, I’ve been somewhere else.’

  ‘So why do you feel the need to do this? You don’t owe her anything.’

  ‘I know. I . . . She . . . I don’t want to hurt her.’

  ‘And you think when you tell her that you’re dating a top babe, you think that’s not going to hurt her?’

  I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I . . . I promised my sister that I wouldn’t mess Lucy around and I don’t want her finding out about Nicky from anyone else.’

  ‘If you like Lucy so much – and it’s clear that you do – why don’t you just go for it with her? Date her.’

  ‘Because she’s young. She’s only fourteen. And . . . ’

  Rob gave me a knowing look. ‘She won’t put out and Nicky will.’

  ‘Nicky’s older. And OK, yeah – Lucy doesn’t want the serious stuff and I don’t want to push her. Too close to home with my sis being one of her best mates. It could get complicated.’

  ‘More complicated than it is already?’ Rob scoffed.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. We’d reached the doorway to Raj’s café.

  Rob put his hand on my shoulder. ‘Good luck, soldier. It was nice knowing you.’

  ‘Yeah, thanks,’ I said.

  I had such mixed feelings about meeting Lucy. I couldn’t deny that part of me was looking forward to seeing her but another part was dreading it because the last thing I wanted to do was upset her, but I knew that it couldn’t happen between us. Like I’d said to Rob, I’d realised she was too young for me.

  Rob went off down the road and I opened the door to the café, took a deep breath and went upstairs to where we’d agreed to meet. Lucy hadn’t arrived yet so I took a table in the corner away from the other people in there having tea.

  I like Raj’s. It’s a funky place with old furniture that looks like it belongs in a church – pews instead of seats – and the man who owns it has loads of interesting old books and other stuff about the place.

  I didn’t have to wait long. I heard the door ping downstairs and I felt a rush of anxiety. I knew it was her and there she was a few moments later, slightly breathless from the stairs, blushing as she always did when she saw me. This was going to be really hard. She slid in behind the table and I ordered her a Coke and we chatted generally for a bit, about school, about what I was reading, about the strange stuff around the café: Russian dolls, old sepia photos, strange bits of old china.

  ‘So you had something you wanted to say?’ Lucy finally asked.

  ‘Um, yeah,’ I said, then I tried to buy myself some more time by asking about what she was up to over the holidays.

  She looked
into my eyes, straight into them, and said in a suggestive way, ‘No definite plans. Got any ideas?’

  She was coming on to me. She was. Least I think she was. Was this really the best time to tell her about Nicky? ‘Not really,’ I stuttered. ‘That is, Lucy . . . How can I put this?’

  She was looking at me in a really weird way, like half smiling, teasing almost, leaning forward, her hand resting next to mine on the table. Had Nesta told her about Nicky? She couldn’t have. I had purposely not filled her in this time although we normally talk about who we’re dating. This time I wanted to tell Lucy first. I took a deep breath. ‘Thing is, Luce, well, we’ve been on and off for ages now and I wanted to get things straight between us. It’s not fair on you and it’s not fair on me. We’ve got the holidays ahead of us and it’s like a new chapter for both of us, so . . . so, what I think is that, er . . . maybe we should make a clean slate of it.’

  Lucy’s face clouded and she leaned back and crossed her arms. ‘Clean slate? What are you saying?’

  ‘Well it’s not like we’re boyfriend and girlfriend, are we? We never really have been.’

  She looked hurt. Oh God. Really hurt. She was trying to cover it and gave me a sort of fake grin, like a kid who’s fallen over and is trying to be brave. ‘No. No. Course not.’

  ‘And I was thinking that, what if, say, you meet someone this holiday or I meet someone? It’s kind of confusing. Our situation, that is . . . me and you. Well, we’re not free and we’re not really committed.’

  Lucy’s expression had hardened. ‘No, we’re not.’

  ‘So what do you think?’

  ‘I’m not sure I understand. Are you saying that you want to be committed or that you want to meet someone else?’

  Oh God, think Tony, I told myself. This is really important. You have to say it right. God I hate this. This is exactly why I don’t want to get to committed to one girl. You only end up hurting them. ‘That I want to be free,’ I blurted.

  ‘You’re dumping me?’ asked Lucy. She had such a wounded expression in her eyes. I felt like a monster.

  ‘No, no. Course not. How can I dump you when we were never going out properly?’

  ‘But . . . ’ she started.

  I reached for her hand, but she snatched it away. This sucks, I thought, and it’s not my fault. I am trying to do the decent thing here. I felt so frustrated.

  ‘Look, Lucy, it’s not as though I haven’t asked you out in the past but you always put me off.’

  ‘I didn’t know how I felt then,’ she said. ‘It wasn’t that I was putting you off, but . . . ’

  This wasn’t going well, I needed to reassure her. ‘I’m not dumping you. I’m getting it straight, so we both know where we are. We can still be friends.’ D’oh! Arghhh! I’d said it!

  Lucy took a sharp intake of breath as if I’d hit her. She knew what that old ‘let’s be friends’ line meant too. She looked as if she was going to cry.

  She got up. ‘Got to go,’ she blurted and headed for the door.

  ‘But what about your Coke?’ I called after her as the waiter came over with her drink.

  ‘You have it,’ she called over her shoulder.

  Well, that went well – not, I thought as I let my forehead sink forward to rest on the table.

  Once I got outside Raj’s, I looked in my bag for my mobile. Stupid tears kept getting in the way. Couldn’t see it. Darn it. It was still in my rucksack at home. I had to get hold of Nesta. I had to get her tomorrow morning to catch the post before Tony got to it and saw my card. Oh hell, I wish I’d never sent it, I thought as I raced home with tears stinging my eyes. I will never commit anything like that to paper again. I am an idiot, idiot, idiot. Total embarrassment on top of my heart being torn apart would be more than I could take. This is why people play it cool. You choose someone wholeheartedly and then your heart gets ripped to shreds.

  I opened the door and legged it through the hall. Mum Dad, Steve and Lal were eating.

  ‘Lucy,’ Mum called.

  ‘Later,’ I shouted as I grabbed my rucksack, headed up the stairs, pulled out my phone and rang Nesta. Argh! Her mobile was off. I tried the landline. She wasn’t at home either. I left a message on Nesta’s voicemail. Then I texted her. Then I emailed. I can’t breathe, I thought as I lay on the bed and groaned as panic rose from my stomach into my chest. It’s all been in my head, my stupid head, I thought. He doesn’t care about me at all. Never has. It really has all just been a game to him. He’s never been into me the way I’m into him. I really thought we had something special and if he gets that card I am going to be exposed for the naive idiot that I am.

  Hah! Only hours ago I had been saying it was the best day ever, school was out. Now it was the worst day ever and it wasn’t even over yet.

  Got up early to go and play five-a-side footie down in Hyde Park. Nicky is coming later to cheer me on. As I trudged towards the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, the morning post plopped through the letterbox and on to the mat.

  I bent to pick the letters up. One for me. That’s unusual. Girlie handwriting. It’s not Valentine’s or my birthday, I thought. I took the envelope and went into the kitchen, made myself a cup of coffee then opened my post.

  It was from Lucy. A sort of poem.

  I’m not changing,

  I’m just rearranging,

  my life to be with you.

  Then she’d written: Sorry for messing you about over the last year, but now I’m ready. I know we have something really special and I want to make a go of it. Call me.

  Holy shitola, I thought as I glanced at the postmark. She must have posted this yesterday before we met up.

  Talk about bad timing, I thought as I reached for the phone to call her. I put it down again. What could I possibly say?

  Lucy’s diary

  30th July

  My life is over. My reputation as a coolster ruined for ever. My humiliation on this planet of sorrow and heartbreak is now complete. Not only have I been dumped by Tony, dumped when we weren’t even going out (how sad is that?), but after racing from the café and leaving a million messages for Nesta which she didn’t get, apparently Tony opened the card that I’d sent him in the post.

  He’s called a few times but I wouldn’t speak to him. I don’t want to speak to anyone for a while. I want to climb into a hole and only come out when I’m seventy-five and probably not even then. Dad’s trying to drag me off to a New Age retreat in Cornwall for a few days but he doesn’t understand that I have retreated from LIFE, no New Age hocus pocus can help me. I am beyond saving. Sadly my mates weren’t having any of this and organised a ‘Let’s Find Lucy a Boy’ campaign. DISASTER. There just aren’t any boys that even compare to Tony. He has ruined me for all others. And the WORST thing is we went to a party at the weeekend and Tony turned up with a girl, a totally gorgeous blonde girl who looked sophisticated and experienced in the naughty department and was Wonderbra-ed up to her neck!

  Izzie said I had to face my fears, to not leave things unfinished and that I should talk to him. Instead I came home and finished a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a packet of Rolos and a packet of double chocolate chip cookies. Somehow I don’t think that those were the sorts of unfinished things she had in mind. Tough.

  ‘Have you heard from Lucy?’ I asked Nesta.

  Nesta slathered sun cream on her arms. ‘Might have. What is it to you?’ she asked. It was a few weeks after the Lucy incident and it was a glorious day, not a cloud in the sky and we were out on our back patio making the most of it.

  ‘Oh come on, Nesta, give me a break, I was trying to do the right thing,’ I said as I turned over on my sun lounger to give my back some rays.

  ‘Well, I have got some news. Izzie called this morning from Cornwall. Very interesting news, actually.’

  ‘What?’ I asked. It really annoyed me having to go through my sister like this, especially when she loves to lord it when she has a secret or a juicy titbit that she knows I’d like to know.

/>   Nesta tapped the side of her nose. ‘For me to know and you to find out,’ she said.

  I knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it in for too long though because Nesta has a big mouth and can’t keep a secret once she’s made the point that she knows something that I don’t.

  ‘What? She’s become a Buddhist? Drowned in the sea? Eaten too many Cornish cream teas and become a porker?’

  Lucy and Izzie had taken off with Lucy’s dad and Izzie’s mum on a New Age retreat, that much I did know because Nesta was forever texting them down there. Plus I’d bumped into TJ in Highgate Wood when she was walking the Loverings’ dogs and her dog with Lucy’s brother, Steve. TJ had also mentioned that Lucy had gone.

  ‘No, nothing like that,’ said Nesta. ‘She’s met someone.’

  ‘Someone? You mean a boy?’

  Nesta nodded. ‘And he’s supposed to be totally gorgeous. His name is Daniel and he’s a blond god with a six pack to die for and he’s a fashion student like Lucy is and Izzie said that it’s like they were made for each other and they have loads in common and she hasn’t seen Lucy so happy for —’

  ‘OK, you can shut up now,’ I said. I was jealous, no doubt about it. A stab deep in the pit of my stomach. Mad really because things were going well with Nicky. She was a babe to be seen with. She brought out envy factor ten whenever anyone from school saw us together. I reckon we’d last the summer at least.

  ‘But I thought you wanted to know how Lucy is,’ gloated Nesta.

  I got the sun lotion bottle, took off the top and squirted it at her. It landed with a satisfying splat all over her forehead. Result!

  ‘Toneeeeee,’ Nesta groaned.

  Unfortunately it was at the exact moment that Mum came out of the French doors.

  ‘Tony! For heaven’s sake, when are you going to grow up?!’ she demanded.

  Nesta gave me a smug look. ‘He’s just jealous because Lucy has a fab new boyfriend.’