The Ondine Collection

by Ebony McKenna

  [167] “Keeping stump” is an old Brugel idiom about staying quiet and being clever, and your deepest desires will come to you. It refers to the classic Brugel fable of “the Fox in Disguise”, who strapped branches on his limbs and sat on a tree stump with his mouth wide open for so long, the forest creatures couldn’t help but get closer and closer to get a better look at the strange tree. Eventually the dim forest sweeties walked straight into the fox’s mouth and he got everything he wanted. It may also be a mishearing of the phrase “keeping stumm”, but nobody in Brugel would know what you were talking about.

  [168] Pedants love to point out that bananas plants are herbs. This is true. However, the fruit is still fruit. Like many fruits, bananas are sweet and go nicely with ice cream and chocolate, which is not something you can say for parsley.

  [169] Someone with excellent lineage who turns out bad. The combination of caramel, being golden and scrumpy; and yoghurt, being so lovely and delicious, should be fabulous, but instead it’s horrible.

  [170] Except she probably would have said, “You will be let down by Hamish,” because of her penchant for the passive voice.

  [171] The Dentate is Brugel’s equivalent of Parliament. Dentate means “the place with teeth”.

  [172] In Brugel, name days are not birthdays. They are far more important than that. It’s the day you celebrate the saint you are named after, rather than the accidental day on which you were born. If you’re not directly named after a saint, you’ll be given one as a middle name. One of Ondine’s middle names is Benedicte, named after the patron saint of spelunking. Benedicte is also the patron saint against witchcraft, which is pretty convenient considering the situations Ondine has been in.

  [173] Venzelemma is the capital city of Brugel, a country in Eastern Europe that still hasn’t made a dent in the Eurovision Song Contest.

  [174] In Brugel, eating is the new black.

  [175] They do have a dishwasher, which is brilliant for crockery, but everything else has to be done by hand. Beer goes flat if detergent residue is left on the glass. Flat beer may be all the rage in neighbouring Slaegal, but in Brugel it just won’t do.

  [176] Something that is incredibly unlikely to happen. A fish can dance on the table, but few of them want to.

  [177] At the risk of becoming bogged down in footnotes before the story can gain momentum, there have been huge ructions in Brugel lately. Duke Pavla is too sick to rule, his wife Kerala is responsible for that sickness and is being kept under high security lock and key. As a result, the Duke’s sister the Infanta Anathea is only too happy to take control.

  [178] Lord Vincent is almost as gorgeous as Hamish on the outside, but under the skin he’s rotten right through.

  [179] Let’s face it, Hamish is a trouble magnet.

  [180] In neighbouring Slaegal, bread rolls on the table are not complimentary. Nor are they all that edible. They are, however, very effective for stabilising a wonky table leg.

  [181] A ravishingly demented drink made from sozzled peaches. The consumer feels no ill effects for the first few minutes, then they stand up to find their knees don’t work.

  [182] Mustn’t forget Old Col. AKA, Miss Colette Romano, Ondine’s great-aunt and all round fabulously batty witch. And lousy chaperone. See ONDINE: The Autumn Palace.

  [183] See ONDINE: The Summer of Shambles. Look, we could get bogged down in backstory if we’re not careful. You have read the first two books, haven’t you? Oh for goodness sake. Go read them. I’ll wait . . . OK, you’re back? You’re fast!

  Are you sure you didn’t skim?

  [184] Because this is a family pub, all tips are shared. If people enjoy their meal, they’re not simply tipping Hamish for being gorgeous and attentive, they’re tipping Henrik and Cybelle for the sumptuous food and Ondine for the sparkling clean plates they’re eating from. And for Da for keeping such a well-stocked bar. And Ma for keeping it all running smoothly.

  [185] Isn’t it nice when they do this? “Mind your head, that’s it, watch how you go, gentle.”

  It’s all part of the Courtesy in Custody program, which began in neighbouring Craviç and has spread throughout the world.

  [186] “Dorian Grey” is a camera filter setting used to make ageing movie stars look like ingénues, to convince the public that anti-wrinkle creams work. Or a devilishly good novella by Oscar Wilde, about a dashing youth whose portrait ages instead of the man.

  [187] Bellreeve is where the Autumn Palechia is located. It’s also the setting for a fair amount of trauma in the previous book. No wonder Ondine felt sick at the thought of going back there. They won’t be – going back to the palechia that is – just in case you were thought this third novel would push the reset button.

  [188] At this time of year, Brugel’s tiny strip of territory along the Black Sea would be deserted, the beach chairs and umbrellas covered in snow. The Venzelemma Tourist Bureau And Committee For The Prettyment of Brugel leaves the chairs on the beach all year round, but they are chained together to prevent thefts. They also have ‘anti-towel-technology’ fabric, which makes towels slide right off them, so tourists can’t reserve a chair and then wander off for the rest of the day. However, the fabric is so slippery tourists have also been known to slide right off them, especially if they put a towel down first.

  [189] Orschlappen is the Brugelish term for earflaps. The huge coats and warm hats made Ondine feel like she was wearing a duvet, but at least she didn’t look as silly as those people who wear blankets with sleeves.

  [190] In the old days, they used to throw acorns at the bride and groom, but they hurt!

  [191] Because of the huge spike in weddings, every service provider opens their doors super-early to cope with the onslaught of customers.

  [192] In many western countries, people wear their wedding bands on the fourth finger of the left hand, but in much of Eastern Europe it’s on the right. In Brugel, it doesn’t matter, as long as it fits one of the fingers and doesn’t slip off.

  [193] Breakfast should be an uncomplicated affair, or as they say in Brugel, “It’s not roquette salad.”

  [194] These are Ondine’s thoughts, in bracketed italics. Just in case you weren’t sure.

  [195] Unless you are Linda Lou Wolfe from Indiana, USA, who has married 23 times, making Elizabeth Taylor look like an amateur.

  [196] In Brugel, it’s traditional for weddings to be held on a Wednesday. Linguists claim Wednesday derives from the Norse god Woden, but Bruglers are positive it’s derived from the Olde Brugelish word for Wedding. Being a superstitious country, it’s considered good luck to marry within the same calendar year as your engagement. Nobody has a clue why, but nobody is brave enough to buck convention. Hence the sudden rush of marriages in December and very few of them in January.

  [197] The filter we all have in our brains, that stops us – just in time – from saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to find the ‘on’ switch in time.

  [198] When the granite stones turn cold, they can be used for a curling match, which is a popular form of post-wedding entertainment.

  [199] Pleather looks just like real leather, but is much kinder on cows.

  [200] Few Brugelish cars have airbags.

  [201] Boak = “Oh dear, something I have eaten does not agree with me.”

  [202] Ducking the paper is the local expression for avoiding filling out forms or completing other brain-drainingly horrid paperwork. It’s usually achieved by signing the blank paper at the bottom of the page, then handing it back to the official with a crisp ßr100 bill at the top.

  [203] Despite the name, Slaegalpines are not native to Slaegal, the country that neighbours Brugel. They are however, in plentiful supply in that country, and feature heavily in Norange, that country’s capital. Legend has it that the first families brought the pines with them, when they arrived from somewhere much further east.

  [204] Across Brugel, the Wednesday laundry curfew is strictly adhered to, so that those getting ma
rried (on a Wednesday, of course) will not have the blight of people’s smalls lowering the tone of their day.

  [205] Something huge and puzzling that everyone knows is right there but nobody wants to talk about.

  Pachyderms are not native to Brugel, so the expression, ‘The elephant in the room’ never caught on.

  [206] In Brugel, a finger sandwich is a dainty morsel that you can hold in your fingers. This is not always the case in Slaegal.

  [207] “No offence”. The two words uttered before the speaker always says something truly offensive.

  [208] Anything that has exceeding its statute of limitations. Whether a civil court case for negligence, or a decades-old feud between two women who fought for the affections of the same handsome lad.

  [209] Similar to a waltz, but less poncing and more snuggling.

  [210] Only sparkling wine from the Champagne region of France can be called Champagne. In Brugel, locals call it ‘bubbles’ or ‘sparkling’. The really cheap stuff is called ‘tart fuel’.

  [211] She hasn’t been to Melbourne, Australia, where the entire citizenry wears fashionable mourning clothes all the time, even though Rock’n’Roll died years ago.

  [212] Brugel has two commercial networks that broadcast nationally, and the non-profit BNB, the Brugel National Broadcaster funded by the sale of Brugel-Made televisions. BNB is commercial free and broadcasts every second Sunday, and on special occasions.

  [213] It’s not called Savo Square, because it’s shaped like a hexagon.

  [214] In Brugel, Christmas proper doesn’t begin until Christmas Eve, December 24. It’s also illegal for anyone to put up Christmas decorations before December 1. This is one of the drawcards for people migrating to Brugel. Absolute guarantee, you will never read a tweet from a Brugeler complaining of Christmas merch in stores in September.

  [215] It’s not a waste of food throwing cheese balls, because the myriad stray dogs hanging around will eat them up. In many parts of the world people employ a “five second rule” for eating dropped food – if the food has been on the ground for less than five seconds, it’s still safe to eat. No such rule exists in Brugel because the dogs get it first.

  [216] Old Col had removed them, with a spell (which may or may not have included anaesthetic!) during a fraught time under the table at the Autumn Palace. And while it is terribly cruel to remove all a dog’s teeth in one swoop – with or without magic, with or without anaesthetic – those same teeth were about to chomp Shambles in half, and Old Col simply wasn’t going to let that happen. The teeth had begun to grow back since that incident, but the dog wasn’t back to full bitey-ness at this point.

  [217] Fried cheese balls are banned at football matches in Brugel, as cold ones are used as weapons.

  [218] The jewels and pretty shiny things they’d found under the floorboards in book one were well and truly spent on renovations and the wedding. The ones Ma had been able to keep, of course. The rest she’d taken back to the creators at the Hera Collection.

  [219] Brugel is one of many countries in Europe that has intermittent power supply during winter, on account of large amounts of snow, frozen connections and people being unceremoniously disconnected because they cannot trudge through the snow to get to the bank to pay their bills on time. They could try internet banking, but this requires a reliable electricity supply.

  [220] The first dinner, followed soon after by the second.

  [221] Cybelle is the Banksy of Brugel.

  [222] People who are not-yet-witches, but believe they one day will be.

  [223] A funicular rail line is so steep the carriages must be hauled up the incline with sturdy cables. The two carriages are always attached to each other, so while one goes up, the other comes down, thus minimizing the energy required to reach the top.

  [224] Which is one reason why Brugel has so few mountains of any repute. But they do have some wonderful castles.

  [225] Literal translation is, “Welcome to Brugel, don’t mind the mess the maid has the day off.”

  [226] Just like the way politicians wear a cattleman’s hat and blue work shirt when they visit ‘the country folk’.

  [227] The official story was that the hotel in Norange, Slaegal’s capital, had run into ‘financial difficulties’, what with the economy and employees stealing from their workplace. A pen and notepad here, a complete 1,000-thread sheet set there. But in this case, management was stealing from staff, stripping their homes while they were at work and selling the ill-gotten goods online. The real reason was that there was so much whacky magic happening around Brugel, they simply had to move to that magical epicentre.

  [228] Brugel has been on the receiving end of great waves of migration as life in other parts of the world became unbearable.

  In the fifteenth century, witches and warlocks fled the Spanish Inquisition; in the seventeenth century, people escaped the Salem Witch Trials, and in the late 20th Century, it was music lovers deserting the Eurovision Song Contest.

  [229] In Brugel, there is no right to remain silent if you are arrested. There is, however, the right to respond to all questions in haiku.

  [230] Your Lordship is the correct address to the head of Brugel, whether Duke or Duchess.

  [231] A coffee substitute that came into its own during the Soviet Coffee Crisis of 1976–79. International price hikes made it near impossible for Bruglers to get their hands on the proper stuff. Farmers in Slaegal and Craviç sowed thousands of acres of chicory, in the hope of satisfying local demand. By 1980, fresh supplies of coffee beans from Vietnam made its way west, and the crisis was over. This in turn lead to precisely zero demand for local chicory and the crops ran to seed. To this day, their blue flowers grow rampant across the landscape.

  [232] And potatoes have eyes.

  [233] Everyone except the chicory farmers would be happy. They are still trying to claw back their decades-old losses.

  [234] D is the second letter in the old Brugelish alphabet. In Soviet days, if plan ‘D’ failed, there were thirty-one more letters to fall back on.

  [235] Listening with your mouth open does widen the ear canals so you can hear more clearly. Alas, it makes you look like a slack-jawed yokel.

  [236] Around 1346, Black Plague spread from Asia to the Crimea, which is very near Brugel. Sonja of Yersina was a tea and spice merchant whose travels brought her into contact with the plague. Although she did not develop any symptoms herself, she passed it on to her customers and then some. This could have been terrible for business if not for the fact her parents were undertakers. She inherited the thriving family trade in 1348 when her parents popped their clogs

  [237] At Bruglish fat farms, you go in thin and come out looking normal. As opposed to the ones elsewhere in the world, where you go in fat and come out a little less fat, before abandoning all your promises at the first plate of hot chips. Mmmmm, hot chips.

  [238] At CovenCon, they allow non-witches and non-seers to call themselves pre-witches and pre-seers, so that those on the way to witching and seeing feel as if they are really on their way.

  [239] It’s a lay-down misère, if you tick the ‘vegan’ box on your conference registration, you’ll get an eggplant stack.

  [240] The correct temperature for making espresso is between 88 and 95 degrees Celsius (at sea level). Tea, of course, needs to be made with boiling water that is 100 degrees Celsius (at sea level). It’s not about being fussy, it’s about doing things properly. We must uphold our standards or the savages will win (at sea level).

  [241] The last time Biscuit had taken a bite out of Hamish, he’d had all his teeth and Hamish was a Shambles ferret. And Ondine hadn’t been there to protect him. Some quick thinking from Col saved the moment. She had magicked all of the dog’s teeth out, so he couldn’t do any harm.

  [242] Be nice to animals, because you never know when you’ll be turned into one.

  [243] An incredibly popular tofu substitute, made from chicken.

  [244] The infamous Debutante Ball
so many decades ago, where Hamish had taken his first taste of plütz, tripped on Col’s dress, ripped her hem and called her a witch. Oh, and Col had then turned him into a ferret.

  [245] Old Brugelish Latin meaning, “pound for pound”.

  [246] In any conference there will be at least three workshops you really want to attend. And as fate will have it, two of them will be on at the same time.

  [247] Brugelish currency.

  [248] The Brugelish translation of the classic line: “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer”. A good half hour of Google searching will show this quote is usually misattributed to Sun Tzu or Niccolò Machiavelli, yet the first record of it is from Michael Corleone in The Godfather Pt II, (1974).

  [249] Lions are not native to Brugel, so Ondine has nothing with which to compare the noises in her head.

  [250] With extra thick fur on the earflaps.

  [251] A resort on the Black Sea, built inside an enormous bubble-dome, with sunlamps glowing fourteen hours a day. It’s the one holiday destination where a ‘sun guarantee’ actually means what it says.

  [252] In some parts of the world, you can give your camera to another tourist and ask them if they wouldn’t mind taking your picture. In Brugel, if you give your camera to a passer-by they will say, “thanks very much” and walk off with it.

  [253] In some sections of neighbouring Craviç they have “caravan only” roads so that the only drivers they hold up are other caravan drivers. Their prettiest roads are reserved for cars, motorbikes and bicycles. Trucks and white vans are restricted to motorways. It’s a form of motoring apartheid other countries can only dream of.

  [254] Otherwise known as God’s waiting room.

  [255] Figurative mice, not literal ones. Ondine’s mutating magic isn’t that far out of control. Yet.

  [256] The literal translation of Martisor is, “March better be here soon, I can’t feel my feet any more.”

  [257] Lactose intolerant Bruglers often migrate to Slaegal, where they are much happier.

  [258] Similar to cotton candy or fairy floss, this confection is made from silky strands of spun sugar, which you eat with a crochet hook.