The Ondine Collection

by Ebony McKenna

  [259] How weird? The moment they’d stepped over the flagstones in The Autumn Palace a tornado had appeared. Then it had rained fish. That’s how weird.

  [260] The Brugel equivalent of hating someone’s guts.

  [261] The Brugel Bannermen’s Guild takes credit for the series of festivals all lined up in a row, having spearheaded a campaign for such events. They erect banners for “festival z” while taking down the banner for “festival y”, thus saving time – but not money, as they are paid only for banners they erect, but not take down.

  [262] Barry means good. Or puke. If you have a really good night out, you have a Barry good Barry at the end of it.

  [263] Massive insult, in both Scotland and Brugel.

  [264] Do not try this at home. The turning yourself into a shadow and leaping into someone else’s body bit. The battery on the tongue? Go ahead, loads of fun. Bzzt! You’re welcome.

  [265] They hadn’t made it all the way through the snow maze, because it was enormous and could take hours to get through. They’d simply waited around the corner, had a chat, explored a little, then used cheat codes to find their way out again.

  [266] She still had to behave herself and do the right thing by Brugel.

  [267] The literal translation of “nincs” is “No way José”. Someone who says “no” to everything is known as a “nincompoop”.

  [268] Stop fussing, lassie, there’s not much you can do about it now anyway.

  [269] Did you think I’d forgotten about the footnotes? Not a chance! Vincent’s mother was previously known as Duchess Kerala. However, now that Kerala’s husband Duke Pavla is no more, mostly because Kerala fed him pastries made from poisonous rhubarb leaves, she is known as The Dowager Duchess Kerala.

  [270] If none of this is making any sense, it’s most likely because you’ve accidentally picked up the fourth book in the series instead of the first.

  [271] “It’s fun to stay at the DYMA,” is a popular Brugelish refrain when someone starts acting loopy.

  [272] Considering the magic had caused so much mayhem only a season earlier, and continues to cause mayhem around the country if recent news reports are anything to go by, Ma should still be worried about this. As should Ondine and Hamish.

  [273] Brugel’s answer to Instagram. You thought it was going to be YouTube, but nobody in Brugel knows what that is.

  [274] Fabulously sweet Romanian wine, which is hugely popular in Brugel because of its peachy overtones, which reminds them of plütz.

  [275] Slagging off means saying things that are uncomplimentary. Even if they are true.

  [276] The Slaegal Tourism Bureau never lets facts get in the way of a good marketing campaign.

  [277] Fret not. This is not a Slaegal book, but somebody from Brugel – that would be Lord Vincent – is spending time in Slaegal, and we need to know what he’s up to.

  [278] Norange has no height restrictions on buildings per se, but the roof of the house cannot be taller than the tree in the atrium. Therefore if you want a multi-storey house, choose a very tall tree and build your house around it.

  [279] The Zendgraf (literal translation; Sent Lord) is the lord ruler of Norange, dating back to the days when the Holy Roman Emperor would send his lords to keep an unruly mob in line. The wife of a Zendgraf is a Zendgravine. In modern times it has become a hereditary but purely honorary title. Like Brugel, Slaegal embraced democracy, with mixed results, after the fall of the USSR in 1991.

  [280] Vincent and the Zendgraf are only cousins by marriage, and second cousins at that. It’s the Zendgravine’s mother, Lady Nelly, and Vincent’s father, the Late Duke Pavla (may his soul rest in peace) who are first cousins. Don’t stress, there won’t be a test.

  [281] Over many years, exposure to cold weather extremes breaks the capillaries under the skin, leaving the cheeks and nose red and blotch-ridden. The same effect can be achieved much sooner from drinking hard liquor.

  [282] The full idiom is, “When in Norange, do as the Noranges.” In other words, when you’re in a strange place, do your best to blend in.

  [283] Vincent has always been a bucket-half-full kind of person. Or as they say in Brugel, “You can be sad that a goat has horns, or be grateful the horns have goats on them, and the goats give you milk.”

  [284] Crashing cups or glasses together is a tradition as old as time. Less about friendship and more about self-preservation, the act helps the drinkers avoid an early grave. If one or more glasses is tainted with poison, crashing them together slops the toxin into all drinks, thus putting everyone on an equal footing.

  [285] Sletto is Slaegal’s own chain of deeply discounted supermarkets, where you not only bring your own bags, you bring your own trolley.

  [286] Merely talking about a problem doesn’t solve it. You’ve got to take action.

  [287] A user-edited database for all things Eastern European, www.cantbelieve_itsnotwikipedia.br.

  [288] Several former Soviet Bloc countries, including Brugel and Slaegal, have formed their own song competition to rival Eurovision. That’s not to say they are exclusive, as some countries *cough* Craviç *cough* are known to enter both.

  [289] Tradies is the non-sexist way to describe tradesmen and women. Women are highly represented amongst Slaegal bricklayers and are amongst the most sought after in the world.

  [290] Gaspado is Slaegalese for ‘honourable man’, which is their equivalent of the western honorific of Mister. Gaspada is ‘honourable woman’ and is used for both ‘Miss’ and ‘Mrs’, because all women are honourable, whether married or not.

  [291] The full expression is, “When the gale is blowing and the plütz is flowing, we shall meet under the table.” This harks back to the days of poor building regulations, where shoddy tradieship often resulted in collapsed walls and roofs. The safest place to be was with a bottle of plütz (for its warming properties on a cold night) underneath a table (for its stability and security).

  [292] The ballroom is a short walk from Savo Plaza, which will prove incredibly convenient later on.

  [293] If we gave the instructors names, they’d take on far too much importance in the story. In reality they did have names and their parents loved them very much, but they’re little more than extras in Ondine’s story.

  [294] A payphone is a public telephone secured to a fixed position, which is connected to a landline. A rarity in most modern countries, Brugel’s plethora of public phones is a source of national pride. And a reminder of how unreliable mobile phone coverage is.

  [295] If Ondine had things her way, this latest adventure would come to a swift conclusion and she could get back to borrowing Da’s eyebrow dye to fix Hamish’s hair.

  [296] The Broaku markets on the Caspian Sea are clandestine traders’ yards where excess munitions from government stockpiles are bought and sold. Cash only. No time wasters.

  [297] Lunatic soup is two or more types of alcohol mixed together.

  [298] “I’ll be right down in a minute,” means, “When I get around to it”.

  [299] BrugelMelody is the local competition, held in early spring each year, to choose a song to represent Brugel at the PopEuroTube Song Contest in May. Some years the songs are even half good, but most years the competition is held in secret to spare viewers and participants from pain and humiliation.

  [300] Every marketplace in the world has donut vans, it’s the law. Dolphin-shaped jam injectors are optional.

  [301] They were on stage, separating Mrs Howser’s control from Lord Vincent, then separating Mrs Howser’s soul from her body, with the help of Duchess Anathea’s intervention with a vacuum cleaner.

  [302] Sure everyone has email and Snapchat accounts now, but this is Brugel before the turn of the century. (Which is to say, the turn into the 21st century.) The first novel was about events that happened “exactly twelve years ago today.”

  [303] Mt Verka Serduchka is one of Brugel’s highest points, being almost four hundred meters above sea level and one of the last remaining h
ills that hasn’t been excavated into a castle or fort of some kind. Hiking to the summit is popular all year, as is having your photo taken ‘holding up’ the leaning broadcast towers of VTV6 and BrugStereoFM. The towers were constructed in the early 1950s and began leaning almost straight away. They were straightened in the 1970s, with much fanfare and even greater expense. However this resulted in weaker transmission signals and a reduction in tourism, so they leaned the towers back to the way they were.

  [304] Other countries in PopEuroTube Song Contest have no such qualms about their performers or composers being from another country, but Brugel is fiercely Brugelish. If the performers don’t meet this criteria, visa arrangements are quickly made.

  [305] Botflies are hideous parasites that grow under an animal’s skin. You really don’t want to look it up on a search engine. No please don’t. OK, fine, I’m not your mother.

  [306] Five years out of date in Brugel is the equivalent to fifteen for the rest of us.

  [307] Anyone familiar with the PopEuroTube Song Contest rules knows that the maximum number of performers on stage is six, so if the rock outfit gets through, they’ll have to cull performers. There is, however, no limit on the number of drum kits allowed on stage.

  [308] Any more than one phone call per household and the BrugelTel system will collapse under the onslaught.

  [309] Anything couched with an “I don’t need to be rude, but,” is apt to be rude.

  [310] Pleather is a wonderful substitute for leather and earns a bovine stamp of approval from the BBB, the Brugel Board of Bovines. Not actually chaired by bovines but humans, obviously. Cows cannot sign documents, as they lack opposable thumbs.

  [311] It’s not barging in unannounced, as long as you make two firm knocks first before you barge in.

  [312] Even thieves need a night off from time to time.

  [313] With marshmallows = hot chocolate. No marshmallows = hot cocoa. It’s the rules.

  [314] If you’ve ever rubbed any brand of mentholated gel on an aching muscle, then accidentally rubbed your eyes, you’ll know the pain.

  [315] Brugel and Slaegal have had a frosty relationship at the best of times, which often manifests into ‘nemesis status’ during times of national competitions.

  [316] That ball. Where Hamish (as a young lad) had offended Old Col (as a young Colette Romano) and she’d turned him into a ferret (the evergreen Shambles).

  [317] Most people these days would simply grab their phone, which comes with a camera on it, but this is Brugel, and technology takes a while to arrive. If Ondine had grabbed her phone, the cord wouldn’t have reached the doorway.

  [318] An enormous party to celebrate something big, like a wedding or your team winning a football game. When your team loses, you have a wake.

  [319] Elmaree the First had broken the quill she used to sign a marriage agreement with Prince Faddei of Slaegal. The phrase ‘Elmaree’s Stain’ refers to the blue ink spilled over her writing hand, and the ‘stain’ on her reputation for reneging on a deal. It was never going to be a good deal for Elmaree anyway, but historians can be so cruel. For more details, read All For Love: The Life and Times of Elmaree, the First Grand Duchess of Brugel.

  [320] Hygienically cautious people endeavour not to touch anything with their palms or finger pads, as this is the fastest way to transmit bacteria and viruses, which adore warm, moist conditions. Comparatively, the knuckles are usually drier and less conducive to harboring germs. This dovetails neatly with Brugel’s public health announcement series: “Stop Touching Your Face!”

  [321] Trieze-points (pronounced ‘trez-pwa’) is thirteen points, the highest score any country can give a contestant on PopEuroTube.

  [322] Blagger is Brugelish for telling very big fibs, which are very similar to the things that come out of the back-end of a bull. Blagger is not to be confused with Blogger, although the results can often be the same.

  [323] There was a half-hour wait to gain an audience. Because even though Ondine considered herself a friend of the duchess, she was still a member of the public and she didn’t have a prior appointment.

  [324] ‘Loosely based’ in that Black Sonja was responsible for the spread of Bubonic Plague, not cholera, throughout the Black Sea region. People caught cholera from drinking contaminated water, whereas the plague was spread from person to person from sneezing, shaking hands and touching one’s face.

  [325] Sure, Margibelle’s performance is about the song, but it’s also about putting on a show. Margi doesn’t want to stand on stage like a lump if she can help it.

  [326] Snarfled is the act of stifling a laugh while coughing a little. Spluttering may also be involved.

  [327] A fraudulent slip is where you accidentally blurt out the truth. This is completely different from a Freudian slip, named after the enthusiastic ‘father’ of psychology, Sigmund Freud, who spent his lifetime reading naughty subtexts into everything.

  [328] As with Eurovision, The World Cup (in either football, rugby or curling) is something Brugel has also failed to win.

  [329] Sponduletise means to talk utter rubbish and be a right proper pain. Closely related to, spondylitis, which is a horrible affliction of the spine and muscles.

  [330] This is a lovely trick, which cafes and restaurants often deploy. Customers feel less inclined to order the cheapest item on the menu, for fear of being judged a tight-wad. Clever establishments set their prices to make the second-cheapest item the most profitable for them.

  [331] In Brugel, a samovari is one who works behind the samovar; in the same way a barista (bar tender) works behind a bar. A samovari may be male or female, and their skills of brewing tea and cultivating a disdainful attitude towards customers takes years to cultivate.

  [332] Brugel’s debutante balls are so old fashioned, guests must follow exacting rules of propriety. Only men may ask women for a dance, not the other way around. If a woman is asked for a dance, she may politely decline, although this seldom happens.

  [333] The maximum song length on PopEuroTube is four minutes. When the song is particularly terrible, it feels longer.

  [334] Whirlypits means nothing is making any sense, which is par for the course in Brugel.

  [335] Da’s idea of Margi having a ‘bun in the oven’, proving that ‘Dad Jokes’ afflict fathers the world over.

  [336] The blue flowers of the chicory plant, which grow wild across the Craviçian landscape.

  [337] Timetabling isn’t even a proper word, let alone a verbing of a noun. But of course Birgit and Babak let Vincent get away with it, because he’s the Duke.

  [338] At a restaurant, if you have around half the meal left on your plate, the establishment may give you a ‘doggy bag’, which is code for ‘let’s pretend it’s for the dog but it’s really for me’.

  [339] As has been mentioned before, all of this took place at least a decade ago, so the laptop took up the space of two large coffee table books, and sucked electricity out of the wall like a vacuum aimed at a pile of confetti. It wasn’t that unusual to take a portable computer out during the day. That was the point of them being portable. However, Brugelers were slow adopters to technology, so it was out of place.

  [340] Restaurants put attractive couples in the window, in an attempt to attract more attractive people.

  [341] Brugelish Blend is a combination of Peppermint, Black and Green tea.

  [342] An idiom peculiar to former Soviet Bloc countries. Because of supply shortages, local roasters regularly mixed coffee with higher and higher percentages of chicory until one day, at breakfast, the locals ‘woke up’ to the scam and could smell only the lie that was chicory.

  [343] Thin and delicious crepes, which are excellent with all manner of savory or sweet fillings. Or both if you’re pressed for time.

  [344] Closing universities during a coup d’état is a rookie mistake, and one I expect none of you to make.

  [345] A ‘backie’ is a passenger on a bicycle, who is not always at the back, as the handlebars
are often more comfortable. It is, however, dangerous and often illegal.

  [346] Ribbentrop cocktails are named after Joachim von Ribbentrop, who signed the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact between Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia in August, 1939.