Cracked & Crushed

by A. J. Downey

  “You looked so incredibly sad just then…” she said, then asked, “What were you thinking?” I closed my mouth and opened it to speak then closed it again. I must have looked like a landed fish. She turned her face up to mine, her bright green eyes glimmering with worry as I debated what to tell her. I sighed out in semi-defeat. Lying had gotten me nowhere with Aimee and I didn’t want to commit the same mistakes twice, but the truth could net me the same result here.

  I took a deep breath and spoke my last thought aloud, a bid for the truth. No lies, not anymore…

  “I was thinking I need you to know about that stuff, know it’s there, never forget it but Babe I never want you to actually see it.” I looked at her solemn.

  “Why does that make you sad?” she asked but I could see she suspected she knew the answer already. Some of us just needed to hear it anyways.

  “Because the thought of you seeing it for yourself… I’m afraid you couldn’t handle it. That you’d walk and you wouldn’t look back. That kills me just thinking about it,” I confessed.

  “You remember when you asked me to promise that…” she paused and bit her lower lip blushing hard.

  “Just tell me Baby. No need to be embarrassed,” I said.

  “Remember when you cut off my pajamas, the conversation after?” she asked boldly, a stubborn set to her chin. I smiled. There was my spitfire girl. I curved my arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze.

  “Yeah, you might have to remind me of some of the finer points,” I said gently.

  “After you asked me to promise you that you didn’t mess our friendship up,” she said. I nodded.

  “Yeah.” I said carefully, feeling like I was on dangerous ground all of a sudden. Where was she going with this? I felt my knee begin to bounce with nervous agitation under the table. She looked up into my eyes with such a serious look my heart seized in my chest.

  No. No, no, no, no, don’t do it babe. I silently begged in my head.

  “You know what my first thought was when you asked me?” she asked.

  I shook my head not trusting my voice.

  “My first thought was that if I had to choose a life with you in it versus one without, that it wasn’t really any choice at all. That I’d rather walk out into the surf and drown myself than live a life without you in it,” she said and I felt like I had taken a very real blow to my gut. I stilled, the air leaving my lungs in an explosive breath and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t draw another one until her words finished soaking into my brain. That had not been what I was expecting and I suddenly felt giddy, like a normal kid on Christmas.

  I don’t think Hayden realized what she’d just told me. I don’t think she’d processed the feelings fully herself but her words… reading between the lines I blinked down at her and pulled her tight against me. She fit in the curve of my arms, beneath my chin so perfectly, as if she were made for me. Meant to be there.

  She’d rather drown than not have me in her life. If that wasn’t love I damn sure didn’t know what was. She drew back and looked up at me.

  “Say something please?” she begged and I felt my lips curve into a smile. I didn’t have words, and I’d rather show her instead anyways so I did.

  I bent my head and placed my lips against hers in a kiss and I poured every ounce of love, affection, want and need I had in me through that kiss and into her mouth and let her drink it down and the way she kissed me back told me more than anything that she was thirsty for it.

  All the confusion, all the pandemonium going on inside her pint sized package could be sorted through at her leisure. I didn’t need any more validation than she had just given me. Though it would be nice to hear the words from her lips at some point, those three simple words that I gave her so freely, I didn’t need them.

  I broke the kiss and she smiled up at me, high spots of color on her cheeks.

  “Wow,” She said a little breathlessly, “What was that for?”

  I just smiled at her, my most enigmatic smile and held her close.

  Chapter 8

  Hayden…

  “Hey good to see you! Glad you could make it man.” Cutter strode across the parking lot of the small marina and clasped hands with Reaver who sat astride Baby. I sat behind him and smiled politely in Cutter’s direction who leaned down and kissed me on the cheek I jumped and laughed, startled at the unexpected gesture.

  Cutter gave me a grin and winked from behind his black wraparound sunglasses, the corner of one eye twitching before smoothing into lines of laughter. I blushed. He was very handsome in his own way. Not as breathtaking or intense as I found Reaver to be but attractive none the less.

  “I got a garage, follow me over and I’ll open ‘er up for you so you ain’t gotta worry,” he said and gestured to a line of small garages, like you would find in an apartment complex if we were back home in our land locked state. I looked around and wondered where the housing was. All I saw was the marina office and it did look to have some kind of living quarters on the second story. Though there were easily a line of twenty single car garages, each with a number stenciled in white on the bright blue metal roll up doors which were set in gray cinderblock walls.

  Cutter was striding down the length of the structure and Reaver idled the bike along after him. Cutter stopped at number eight and unlocked a sturdy padlock and rolled up the door to reveal his motorcycle backed into the single car structure to one side.

  “Hop down Babe?” Reaver asked but he didn’t need to, I was already doing it. He backed Baby into the garage beside Cutter’s black and orange Indian motorcycle. I handed Reaver my helmet after he shut off the bike.

  The small garage was lined with flippers of every size and hooks and fishing poles and scuba tanks and all manner of things related to the sea. The bikes both barely fit. Reaver tossed my flip flops on the ground at my feet with a loud slap. I toed out of my running shoes and shrugged my feet into the sandals, balancing on one foot then the other so my feet wouldn’t come in contact with the scorching cement.

  Cutter put out an arm to steady me and I gripped his muscled forearm with a little laugh and a grateful smile. I looked at Reaver and he was watching me carefully, considering and I pulled my hand away from Cutter’s arm self-consciously. Reaver smirked and chuckled to himself and shook his head, switching back into his flip flops on the cool cement of the garage floor. He pulled out my crocheted beach cover up and two towels from one of the saddle bags and Cutter pulled a beach bag that looked like it had been made from fishing net off a hook on the wall and handed it to me. I stuffed the towels into the bag and said thank you. Handing Reaver my oxford shirt to stuff back into the saddle bag. He stuffed it in and I shrugged into my cover up and sighed. It was much cooler in the oppressive heat.

  “Here Babe,” Reaver said and held out a can of spray on sunscreen. I added it to the bag and he checked for his wallet, phone and pocketed his keys.

  He closed up his bags leaving helmets on the bike seats and stepped into sunlight. Cutter closed up the garage and locked it and I again looked around.

  “The boats L’il Bit,” he said and I blinked from behind my oversized sunglass lenses.

  “Excuse me?” I said.

  “The people who park in the garages live on the boats,” he explained patiently and I nodded and blushed suddenly feeling stupid for not realizing it.

  Reaver pulled me into his side and I let my arm go around his lean hips, taking shelter against his hard body. I felt small and safe tucked into his side and I decided I really liked the sensation.

  “Welcome to my little slice of paradise,” Cutter said as we followed him around the marina’s office which had a painted sign that said “Harbormaster’s office” over a door. I blinked at another door in the building that stood open. It appeared to have a full Laundromat going. The door propped open to combat the heat from the driers that were spinning.

  “Which one is yours?” I asked shading my eyes, looking out over the rows of bobbing boats
at the dock. There were power boats and sail boats, luxury yachts and at one end of the marina, obvious houseboats.

  “Guess,” Cutter said with a grin. I raked him with my gaze and clasped my lower lip between my teeth.

  “Not one of the houseboats. Not one of the power boats either,” I said. Cutter crossed his arms, his eyebrows going up.

  “I’m guessing sail boat,” I said.

  “Okay sure but which one?” he said with a lopsided grin.

  “That one,” Reaver said pointing down a row. Cutter laughed.

  “Mmm you cheated,” Cutter said. I frowned.

  “How do you know?” I asked Reaver.

  “He’s flyin’ his MC’s colors.” Reaver said with a grin of his own and I shaded my eyes again looking at the flags fluttering in the wind off the back of the boat and sure enough, there was a flag for the Kraken MC like the one that hung in the window at the Sacred Hearts club house.

  It was some kind of sail boat but I didn’t know one boat from the other so I couldn’t tell you. It was white and wood and beautiful gleaming brass and bronze in the sparkling Florida sun. It looked well cared for.

  “It’s beautiful,” I breathed.

  “Happy to take you aboard later L’il Bit,” Cutter said and smiled, his chest swelling with a bit of pride.

  “Come on, beach is this way,” he grunted and Reaver and I trudged with him to the end of the marina and down some steps. He led us out to the beach, across the white sands. Some of his motorcycle club members were digging a pit in the sand, stacking the center with wood. They looked like a column of ants going back and forth from the parking area unloading trucks with wood, back and forth, back and forth, red bronze skins glimmering with oil and sunscreen. Deeply colored from too much sun. Most wore shorts, board shorts, cut offs, cargo shorts… but went shirtless beneath their cuts. Cutter was shirtless his cut hanging loose from his deeply tanned shoulders.

  “Know what, not a bad idea,” Reaver said and slid his cut from his shoulders. I fished the sunscreen from the bag as he stripped the snowy white tee over his head.

  “Woah!” Cutter said and put a hand up in front of his eyes laughing.

  “Yeah fuck you buddy!” Reaver said laughing. I sprayed him down paying careful attention across his broad, well defined shoulders and the back of his neck. He shrugged back into his cut and stuffed his tee into the bag. I slipped out of my cover up and caught the appreciative curve to Cutter’s lips as he raked me with his gaze. Reaver sprayed me down and I rubbed sunscreen across my forehead cheeks and nose.

  We went down toward the water and set our stuff next to a pile in the sand where Cutter indicated we should. Several surfboards were leaning against a rack much like a saw horse set in the sand. Cutter cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted out over the water.

  “Hossler!”

  A blonde woman in swim shorts and a bikini top sitting on a surfboard bobbed out in the surf. She whipped her head in our direction, paddled out, leapt up and rode the next wave in. She was so athletic and elegant, riding with grace and ease. I laughed.

  “That looks like so much fun!” I commented.

  “Yeah? Good, ‘cause I figured surfing today. A thunderstorm is rolling in tonight, tomorrow’d be better for snorkeling. We can get an early start and I can take you out to a great spot,” Cutter said. I looked up at Reaver nearly vibrating with excitement and he smiled down at me.

  “Rock on brother, let’s do it!” he said. The woman was running up the beach with her surfboard tucked under her arm, she reached us a little breathless.

  “Cutter what’s up?” she gasped.

  “Hayden, Reaver this here is Hannah Hossler, one of the best surfers this town has got and one hell of an instructor,” Cutter said.

  “Hoss this is Hayden and Reaver. Reaver is from the Sacred Hearts MC up north. Hayden’s his…” I looked up at Reaver and Reaver smiled at me, his beatific smile and said,

  “Friend. Hayden’s my friend before anything,” he murmured.

  I looked from him to Hossler a faint smile on my lips. She was a beautiful girl. Long blonde hair, athletic body, tall… way taller than me, which isn’t hard. She was probably close to if not six foot to my five foot three. She had colorful tattoos up and down her arms. Flowers mostly, but the most impressive one was big and bold, a larger than life lotus blossom in the center of her chest, riding high just above and between her breasts, the petals pink and perfect on the outside, yellow on the inside, green vines and leaves curling prettily behind it.

  The lotus blossom was flanked to either side by a red and yellow devil bird and above each red and yellow devil bird were blue and pink angel birds. Big and bold in the style that Squick, back home, drew… I believe he called it new school. The whole thing formed a chest plate of art that stretched from shoulder to shoulder from her cleavage up over her collar bones stopping just below the hollow of her throat.

  One shoulder was taken up by a blue and red toy train engine and delicately flowing script, a memorial to someone she’d lost. A grandfather judging by the dates to either side of the train car. Classy scrollwork in black and white bracketing the image and words. Her other arm was a riot of color, a full sleeve of flowers from shoulder to wrist.

  Her lower leg was a riot of color all the way around that matched her flowered arm and her chest, a larger than life dragonfly with blue daisies with bright yellow centers behind it. The dragonfly approaching a larger than life bright fuchsia and white orchid. It looked like she was steadily working on getting both legs to match her sleeved arm.

  She wore a shiny royal blue bikini top that glimmered metallic in the sun and wore some very short cutoff denim shorts, the front pockets hanging soggy, dripping with seawater from below the front frayed hem. The dripping water made a soft tap, tap, tap sound on the top of one of her perfectly pedicured feet. The nail polish a metallic blue that matched her bikini top. The second toe of her right foot had a delicate silver toe ring on it. She held out her hand, no nail polish on her fingernails and I took it and smiled.

  “Hi!” she said, “Call me Hoss or Hossler.” I shook her hand and she smiled, the ring through the left corner of her lip pulling slightly. The silver shone in the bright sun, the black bead glimmering. She had another ring in the eyebrow above the lip ring, slightly smaller than the lip’s gauge but the two matched.

  Hossler’s energy was bright and vibrant and her positivity seemed positively infectious. I was smiling genuinely and she grinned and led me over to the rack of boards pulling one away she handed it to me.

  “First things first, this one should work for you. Ditch the cover up, keep the shorts if you want and let’s get in the water! Cutter take McSexy over there,” she said and I laughed,

  “I’ll be with you as soon as I see what I’m working with here,” she said to Reaver. Reaver gave her the grin that always made me want to straddle his hips and do something naughty and I blinked and realized that the next time he gave it to me… I could act on those desires if I wanted. Reaver would probably let me. I added my cover up and flip flops to the pile of our other belongings and filed that away for later… much later, and walked towards the water with Hossler, listening to her as she launched into some basic instructions.

  An hour later we were sitting on the surfboards bobbing gently in the surf, I was soaked and had fallen in countless times. Reaver and Cutter were talking a ways from us. My arms were tired from paddling but I was having a blast and was determined to ride at least one wave most of the way in before I gave up.

  “You got some amazing balance girl,” Hossler said, breathless.

  “I do Yoga,” I explained equally breathlessly.

  “Look, just stop overthinking it. You get up, you’re pretty stable then I see your brain starts to going and then you lose it. Just go with it. You can do it, you’re one of the fastest learners I’ve ever had on a board.” I smiled under her praise. Reaver was better balanced than I was, but he hadn’t made it all the way in w
ithout falling either. He had, however, been able to stay up longer than me every time.

  “You ready!?” Hossler called.

  “Yeah!” I called back and we lay on our stomachs and started to paddle, the water began to swell I leapt to my feet, wobbled a bit as I got the feel for the board beneath me. I bent my knees like Hoss had told me and balanced precariously for a moment. I moved with the board, with the water, and smiled triumphantly. I shouted a whoop of triumph and glided onto the beach, leaping from the board and running along the sand I stood for a moment victorious and looked back to see Reaver bobbing in the surf beside his board shouting and cheering, his arms raised to the true blue sky.

  I gave a whoop. Jumped up and down and did a victory dance in the soft white sand. Hossler and Cutter were cheering me too and I laughed and stuck out my tongue at Reaver who was striding out of the surf his board under his arm. I put my thumbs to my temples and waggled my hands and he looked at me grinning, sea water dripping from his sculpted cheekbones along the bridge of his nose.

  “Oh really!?” he demanded.

  “Yeah really! Did it before you! Nah nah nah whoop! Ah ha ha ha!” He’d dropped his board and was chasing me. I ran but he swept me up from behind, I curled in on myself laughing and he nipped the back of my shoulder. He was laughing, I was laughing, the sun was shining and I felt lighter and freer than I had in years…

  Chapter 9

  Reaver…

  “She’s somethin’ when she smiles,” Cutter commented. We were sitting on some driftwood logs near the fire pit. The sun creeping towards the horizon. I’d changed from swim trunks back into some dry cargo shorts a little while ago. I could feel the tingle of an emerging burn across my nose and cheeks. My skin across my shoulders felt hot under the weight of my cut. I’d even applied more sunscreen after we’d gotten out of the water.

  “She’s somethin’ no matter what. Smiling, crying; hell she’s exquisite when she cries¸” I said and felt a slight smile curve my lips.