Cracked & Crushed

by A. J. Downey

  “You’re one of those huh?” he asked.

  “A sadist?” I asked. He nodded.

  “Psychological mostly,” I admitted with a sniff. His mouth turned down and his eyebrows went up and he nodded, his expression communicating that he wasn’t exactly surprised, he just hadn’t guessed my flavor of kink.

  “So I gotta ask…” he drawled and I quirked an eyebrow at him. “Friends before anything else?”

  I smiled. “Yeah,” I said.

  “Does that mean if I wanted to give it a shot you won’t try and cut my balls off?” he grinned and I smiled back at him but just then my phone rang, saving me from having to answer. I plucked it out of my pocket and looked down into Ashton’s smiling golden eyes. I answered it.

  “Hey Sunshine.”

  “Hey Reaver, how’s Hayden?” she asked and I smiled.

  “Hold up,” I said and switched my phone to the camera function. I snapped a picture of her laughing at something Hossler said and texted it to my best friend’s girl.

  “Should see for yourself any second now,” I said into the phone.

  “Okay,” she said and a second later I heard a wooshed breath of relief.

  “She looks like she’s doing much better,” she said.

  “One day at a time Sunshine girl,” I said and I could almost hear her smile.

  “Reaver I never got to say thank you for looking out for her like you did…”

  “Ashton Baby you ain’t got to thank me for nothing,” I said and her laugh was as soft as her voice.

  “I know it’s wrong but I’m almost glad he did it, she would have been miserable,” she said, and I snorted.

  “You don’t know the half of it Baby,” I said and she sucked in a breath.

  “I knew it!” she said, low and vehement. There were no secrets between me Ashton and Trigger so I didn’t even bother to hide what was what.

  “I don’t know why she didn’t tell you Babe but yeah, she confirmed our suspicions on that one. He was cheating, her mom talked her into taking him back to save face. She’s all kinds of mixed up inside over it. I’m trying to sort through the tangle but honestly I think at the heart of it all her self-esteem is the most damaged,” I said. Ashton sighed.

  “I know how much you care about her Reaver and I’m glad you’re there for her. Hayden’s amazing and deserves amazing things. I know you’ll be careful with her. I’m sorry if I implied anything else over the last few days…” I cut her off.

  “Babe it’s cool. I understand. We all got issues and some of hers are tyin’ in with yours. The whole thing is a big pile of ugly and I’m shoveling as fast as I can,” I said.

  “Well don’t you try and take everything on by yourself!” Ashton admonished.

  “I’m not Baby. First things first is getting her to remember what it is to be happy, I think mission accomplished on that front by the way she’s laughin’ over there. Next thing I’m gonna do is get her to realize that she’s fucking beautiful and attractive and I’m working on that… Douche canoe did a number on the way she sees herself, I mean did you see the old man pajamas she packed for her honeymoon!?” Ashton snorted.

  “I packed them remember?” she said.

  “Yeah well I cut ‘em off her and bought her something better,” I said and Ashton started laughing hysterically.

  “You did what!?” she demanded.

  “Yeah… I lost my shit a little bit,” I said ruefully. I told Ashton all about it and she was very quiet for a very long time on the other end of the line.

  “You didn’t scare her did you?” she asked quietly and I grinned.

  “That was the whole point Babe but it’s all good. I think we get each other. She’s fine,” I said.

  “You’re never like that with me… I mean the times…” I stopped her.

  “Naw Babe, I know where you come from and I’d never do that to you. You weren’t ready for it the first spring run you went with us and since sharing hasn’t really come up since, it was just a moot point. I don’t need it all the time and with you it would have been torture and even as fucked up as I am I don’t enjoy puttin’ a real hurt on woman. I save that shit for rat bastards who deserve it.” She was quiet on the other end for a few heartbeats then finally,

  “Thank you. You’re a better man than you realize Reaver,” she said and I gazed across the sparkling white sand beach to Hayden and sighed.

  “Not good enough Sunshine, but I’m working on that as hard as I can,” I said.

  “You are who you are Reaver and I love you just the way you are so don’t try to change too much. Your ruthlessness has its place, don’t forget. You keep us all safe. Me, Hayden, the MC… There isn’t anything worse in the world than to love someone or something and to be powerless to keep it safe,” she said and I swallowed, eyes misting some.

  Ashton was small. Her ex had been cruel on more than just a physical front. There had been a point when he’d sent a couple of fake cops to Ashton’s door after she’d left him to tell her that Trig had been killed while he’d been out on a run. I think that was where some of this particular conversation was stemming from. Ashton couldn’t do anything physically to protect herself or us from her husband. So I’d done it for her.

  After I’d killed her ex for her, and trust me, if anyone needed to just fucking die it’d been him, she’d started going to therapy on Trigger’s suggestion. He’d said it had helped him when he’d come back from pounding sand over in Afghanistan, had gone for a good long while when we’d been trying to get on the straight and narrow and it had helped him. I couldn’t afford it back then, and really couldn’t afford it now but Ashton had said if I wanted to go she’d take care of it. I just didn’t feel right taking her money.

  Still, I got a lot out of when Trigger had gone from the long conversations we’d had about it and had gotten even more out of Ashton going. We’d spent some afternoons curled on their living room couch while Trigger’d been out with Loyal doing whatever. We’d lain there, her slender arms around me, head tucked under my chin in a familiar, comfortable cuddle pile and discussed things. Her telling me about the abuse at the hands of her ex and what her therapist had told her and the conclusions she’d come to.

  A lot of those conclusions I’d been able to mirror onto my own situation with the shit with Rick. It helped and I felt like I was growing, getting better. I’d definitely noticed I was less angry, that I was able to go further and further between needing to feed the monster in my head with the fear that I invoked during sex or with violence. The shit with Hayden, what was done to her, what talking to her was bringing up for me… That was making it harder to shove the beast back in its box.

  “Reaver are you there?” her soft voice asked me.

  “Yeah Baby I’m here. Sorry, you just got me thinking,” I smiled.

  “Ah, well I’d gladly leave you to those thoughts if you’d pass the phone to Hayden,” she said and I grinned.

  “Anything for you Sunshine,” I said and meant it. I loved Ashton like I loved Trigger. She was my second best friend behind the big man. That being said, I wasn’t in love with Ashton. Nope, that was all for Hayden. I got up and trudged across the sand and held the phone down to my beautiful girl.

  “It’s for you Doll,” I said and she looked up at me, shading her eyes. No clue where her sunglasses had gotten to. She smiled and took the phone.

  “Hello?” she said and I went back over to Cutter and dropped down next to him.

  “That was an interesting conversation,” he said dryly.

  “Yeah?” I asked him eyeing him warily.

  “Well at least the one side of it,” he said. I smirked.

  “Sorry man, didn’t mean to be rude,” I said.

  “Naw, naw, naw! Not at all brother, you got a life up north, a club, people who care about you and people you care about. I get it man, look around me. I’m surrounded by much the same,” he said. “I’m king of my very own little paradise kingdom out here and I wouldn’t trade it for
the world. Still, a king does get bored from time to time,” he grinned in my direction.

  “Let me guess, and then this fine little princess comes into town on the back of a black steed and the King’s no longer bored for a minute,” I said. Cutter grinned flashing very white teeth in his tan face.

  “So back to what we were talking about before you were saved by the bell…” he said.

  “What? About me cuttin’ your balls off?” I asked with a grin. He shoved me over, planting a hand in my shoulder. I went over easily and laughed.

  “All seriousness, she’s fucking gorgeous and I’m gonna sound like a barbarian here but I wanna tap that. Or at least I want to see if she’s down for it, what I don’t want to do is offend my guests or step on your toes. You’re a cool dude Reaver. I like you.” He looked me over brown eyes sparkling with calculation and intelligence.

  I let out a breath I didn’t realized I’d been holding and we both looked over to Hayden. My eyes widened. She was looking over at the both of us, my phone pressed to her ear, her lower lip clasped between her teeth.

  “She’s so just… crushed, right now,” I said. Hayden bowed her head and nodded saying something into the phone.

  “Gimme the full Monty and we’ll see what’s what,” he said, and it was so like something Trigger would say when we strategized and we planned about anything that I found myself spilling it. Cutter nodded and listened and said, “Lemme think about this for a bit. She’s coming this way.”

  I looked up and Hayden held my phone out to me. Her eyes sparkled with good humor still but there was a bit of considering weight behind them I smiled up to her and plucked the phone from her hand, making sure to graze her fingers with my own.

  “Hossler is going back out,” she said and dropped to the sand beside me.

  “Doesn’t surprise me!” Cutter said, “Swear to God that girl is half fish.”

  “So what happens now?” Hayden asked.

  “Well, pretty soon the grill gets fired up, Pyro will start the bonfire, we eat, we drink, we get some music going and if you’re up for it Reaver, we’ll bust out some targets. Get some knives out and see what you got when it comes to throwing.” I felt a slow cold smile curve my lips, the warmth seeping out of my eyes.

  “Oh I think I’d like that. I think I’d like that a lot,” I said. Cutter was giving me a calculated once over.

  “Prospect!” Cutter shouted and a kid that looked like he wasn’t even out of high school came jogging over.

  “Yeah Cap’n?” he asked and I felt my eyebrows go up. They called their President Captain. Interesting, but given where we were, not out of place.

  “Set up the targets over yonder,” Cutter said with a wave of his hand.

  “Aye, aye Cap’n!” The kid ran off and a few minutes later, there he was, wrestling a plywood cut out the height and shape of a man out a ways.

  “You okay L’il Bit?” he asked and I turned to Hayden who was shading her eyes and watching everyone a faraway distance to her gaze.

  “Reaver is really good,” she stated simply.

  “How do you know that?” I asked. She’d never seen me throw, had she?

  “Last summer at the club house I watched you throw out in the back against some of the Sacred Hearts from out of town. You were so drunk you couldn’t stand up straight, you don’t even remember you’d been throwing the next morning you were so black out drunk, but you hit the target with every knife on every ‘X’ marked out as a killing blow.” She turned her green eyes up to me.

  “Trigger and Ashton said you almost threw better drunk than you did when you were sober and I figure they would know.” She gave an indelicate one shouldered shrug. Cutter blinked in my direction.

  “This I gotta see,” he said grinning.

  “Hey Doll?” I said.

  “Yeah?” she asked.

  “Next time, do me a favor and record that kind of shit,” I said and grinned and she laughed.

  “I did. You threw my phone in the ocean,” she said. I blinked and she laughed, high and long.

  “Son of a bitch!” I swore.

  “That’s what you get!” she said wiping tears from her eyes.

  Cutter was grinning and cocked his head to the side.

  “Lady has a point,” he said.

  “You would take her side,” I said grumbling, getting to my feet and dusting off my ass.

  “She’s prettier ‘n you,” he said. Hayden snorted.

  “I don’t think so,” she muttered under her breath. I smiled. She thought I was pretty. Huh.

  The sun was over halfway down behind the horizon now. Cutter looked over.

  “C’mere you two, wanna show you somethin’,” he said. Hayden and I exchanged looks and shrugged. He sat us down facing the water. The sun was going down at a pretty good clip.

  “Wait for it and don’t blink. At the very second the sun goes down behind the horizon, it hits the water just right and if you’re lucky…”

  A blinding green flash lit from the sun just as it dipped below the horizon. I smiled at Hayden’s little startled “Oh!” of surprise.

  “What was that?” she asked. Cutter grinned.

  “That was science L’il Bit,” he said and explained to us both about the curvature of the earth, atmosphere and light wavelengths as we stood up, dusted off and went back toward where Pyro was lighting up the bonfire.

  We ate and listened to the Kraken swap stories, laughing and smiling and just generally chillin’ out. Hayden dug her cover up out of the fishnet bag and shrugged into it, wrapping it around her slender shoulders. I got up and sat behind her, curving around her, warming her back against my body while the fire warmed both our faces.

  “Storm should be rollin’ in around midnight or so kids. So enjoy it while the getting’s good.” Cutter called.

  “Ow! Ow! Ow! Somebody piss on it!” Hossler cried from the surf and several of the Kraken erupted into howls of laughter.

  Hayden and I turned, Cutter went running out in her direction laughing. The look on her face was fury mixed with pain and Hayden got to her feet, I rose with her and we went to investigate.

  “It’s not fucking funny you assholes! Hurry up Cut! Jesus Christ it hurts!” she cried. Cutter unzipped his fly and Hossler held out her leg.

  “Fuck girl! You got too many God damned tats! Where is it!?” he demanded, she pointed and he peed on her leg.

  “What are you doing!?” Hayden asked aghast.

  “Stung by a jellyfish, it fuckin’ works. Easy Hoss.” Tears stood out in Hossler’s eyes and she tried to hold still.

  “You gotta go? I’d really appreciate it,” she said to me and I laughed.

  “Never been asked to piss on someone before,” I said.

  “Cross it off your bucket list,” she growled. So I did what the lady asked. Hayden’s bright green eyes were wide and she was trying not to laugh.

  “Hey, L’il Bit, get me a few bottles of water to rinse off?” she asked.

  “Uh, um sure…” Hayden went back to the fire where a couple of bottles of water were handed up to her. She came back at a swift walk as I tucked myself back into my shorts.

  “How does that not gross you out!?” Hayden blurted. Hossler was staring at the sky making an inarticulate noise of frustration and pain.

  “It hurts so bad!” she complained.

  “I know Baby just give it a few minutes,” Cutter said. She took in these short panting breaths and the kind of discomfort she was in, well there was nothing hot about it, it did nothing to trip my trigger. I just plain felt bad for the girl.

  “L’il Bit dump those out on the ground and fill ‘em with sea water, dumping fresh on it is just going to make the barbs fire more venom. Sea water’s best,” he told her and she went to comply.

  “Thanks guys, it’s easing off some. God damn fucking son of a bitch!” She swore.

  Hayden returned and Hoss took the bottles from her and rinsed off her leg.

  “It hurts that damned bad y
ou’ll do anything that works girl. Trust me,” Hossler said.

  “Hey Hoss! Heard you’d like to raise the Sacred Heart guy’s trouser snake! How’s that working out for you now!?” Someone yelled from the fire.

  “Fuck you Gator! You better watch your ass or I’m going to put a mess of my snakes in your bed and a few rats in your club room!” she yelled back.

  “Hossler breeds and raises snakes and by default, rats to feed ‘em for a living,” Cutter explained.

  “Sweet!” I said Hayden’s eyes were wide.

  “What kind of snakes?” She asked.

  “Constrictors,” Hossler answered shortly limping towards the fire with us. She propped her board on the rack which had been moved inside the circle of light cast by the blaze.

  I touched Hayden and she jumped. I frowned. She smiled up at me and said, “Sorry, still getting used to the whole casual touching,” she smiled and leaned into me and I pulled her close, an arm around her shoulders. Cutter raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged a shoulder.

  Hayden stayed near Hossler who was getting better the more time went by. Still, she would grab Hoss whatever she needed, food, beer that sort of thing until the lines of pain faded completely from her face. She’d pulled her blonde hair into a messy knot high on her head and stuck a couple of chopsticks through it. Where the hell she’d gotten those I couldn’t tell you.

  “So, Reaver, you got any on you other than what’s inked under your skin?” one of the guys asked me. I glanced down at the stilettos inked into my inner forearms.

  “Always do,” I said.

  Hayden watched me from across the fire, a faint smile gracing her lips, a bit of pride shining in her eyes and I smiled for her.

  “Except when you came to the club house. Didn’t find a one on yah,” Tiny said. I looked over at him and Cutter saw it before his Sgt. at Arms.

  “Shit, you did, didn’t you?” his brown eyes turned stormy, his mouth down at the corners. I nodded reluctantly. I felt bad for Tiny, I really did but I liked Cutter, he was a cool cat and he ought to know.

  “How many?” he asked.