Cracked & Crushed

by A. J. Downey

I got up and stepped just to the edge of the brighter circle of light. The target was at the very edge of where the fire illuminated. Two tiki torches lighting it up to either side.

  “A demonstration,” I said. Cutter nodded.

  “I got one more knife on me than I did the day I showed up to your MC,” I said and swallowed. I got some skeptical looks standing there in just my shorts and my cut. Better to just show them then. I slipped my first thrower free and let fly, then the next and the next and the next, one right after the other, each one finding the target out in the gloom one after the next. I never stopped moving, when I was out of the short throwing blades I let fly with the stilettos and let me tell you getting a throw right on one of those slender, unbalanced blades had taken a shit ton of practice.

  Eight blades in all were sunk into various killing and seriously maiming points on the target and I straightened and wracked my neck. I didn’t have a blade left on me and I felt naked as the day I was born.

  Cutter’s gaze had gone still but he looked on me with some mad respect. There were a lot of stunned and incredulous looks from his people but you know, I got that a lot. I shrugged and smoothed my hands down the front of my cut. They tingled with apprehension and a desire to do more. I looked across the fire to Hayden, her shining eyes danced with firelight and an edge of fear that made desire uncurl in my chest. Her lips curved in a smile that spoke of deep, quiet pride in my ability to stun the men around us and I felt an answering cocky smile of my own start to spread across my face.

  “That was nice, that was real nice,” Cutter said and I heard the slight edge of sarcasm in his tone. He was looking square at Tiny, not me and I realized he was impressed with my abilities, not so much with his man. Tiny looked at me murderously.

  “Hey!” Cutter barked and Tiny looked to his President.

  “You don’t get to be pissed at him for your fucking ineptitude!” he said and people were pointedly looking away from the big man and their pres. I retrieved my knives.

  “Look man, I didn’t want to make anybody lose face or nothin’. I’m happy to show your man where I hid ‘em. Sacred Hearts, we’re a crafty bunch,” I said.

  “It’s true,” Hayden said softly, and several men turned in her direction, “They are.” I felt something in my chest loosen, she thought I was in some sort of trouble, and it was true, things could swing that way, but I didn’t get that vibe. Cutter was pissed, sure but it wasn’t all at me. Still, she’d thought I was in some kind of trouble, I could see it in her eyes, in the stiff set of her body, and still she’d spoken, drawn the focus away from me and on to herself. Terrified, but fucking fearless.

  “You worried for your man L’il Bit?” Cutter asked with a one sided grin and his pleasantness was back in place. Shit, we were a lot alike he and I.

  “Yes, but Reaver isn’t mine,” she said quietly and cast her eyes to the sand.

  “Yeah I am Doll,” I said with a smile. Her gaze flicked back to mine and I could see a war in her eyes. She nodded slowly but was quickly lost inside her own head. I sighed, her happy reprieve had been far too short. Cutter’s gaze flicked between us and finally settled on me. I could see he wasn’t happy and I sort of felt like a puppy being scolded for shitting on the rug with that look he was giving me. I buried my hands in my pockets. He stood up in one fluid movement.

  “Tiny,” he said and the other man got up. Hayden got to her feet and looked dubious.

  “Relax L’il Bit. Everything’s cool,” Cutter reassured her she remained standing as the two men approached me.

  “A word over here man?” Cutter asked and I nodded, not entirely sure I wasn’t about to have my ass beat. Hayden looked a touch frantic and I tried to calm her with my eyes.

  “If Cutter says everything’s cool it is,” Hoss said, reaching up and taking Hayden’s hand. Hayden looked so torn it was almost a little heart rending. I smiled at her reassuringly and stalked across the sand back towards the target with the two men. Once we were out of earshot of the rest of the party Cutter looked at me.

  “Show him, and Tiny, by fuck, you’d better be paying attention,” Cutter said. Tiny’s eyes widened.

  “Yeah Cap’n,” he said. I showed him the special pockets sewn in along the seams of my cut that held the stilettos causing just a bit more bulk in the leather. I had four, two each side.

  The throwing knives were ranged on the inside of the front of my cut, flat and secure between the leather and the patches. Cutter gave a low whistle.

  “Where you get hardware like this?” he asked, finger fucking one of my throwing knives.

  “Got a blacksmith buddy of mine, back woods fella forges the throwing knives for me. They’re thinner than what you can buy online, balance is a bit off but compensation is easy, concealment is what I was after though. Only thing I can’t beat is an x-ray or a metal detector. Pat downs are a cinch,” I explained.

  “Tiny, I take some of it back buddy. I might have missed some of these,” Cutter said carefully and I saw him taking mental notes for himself.

  “You got a badass setup,” Tiny said with no little awe in his voice.

  “These the real deal?” Cutter asked, flicking a switch on one of my stilettos. He was handling the blade with reverence and I smiled. Finally a dude that really knew his knives!

  “It’s a Panak,” I said with pride, “All my babies are.”

  “Shit,” Cutter said. I looked towards the fire, Hayden was watching us, her slight shoulders slumping in relief. I could see her drag in a deep breath and she trailed a toe in the sand. She looked up sharply and out over the water and started walking out towards it as if drawn by strings or a music we couldn’t hear.

  “Your girl alright?” Tiny asked and he won points with me for asking.

  “Yeah, let her think,” I said and watched her go.

  Cutter looked at me and nodded Tiny off. Tiny went and looked like he’d narrowly avoided the executioner’s axe, a close shave rather than having his head lopped off.

  “Mind if I butt in with my two cents?” Cutter asked.

  “Naw go ahead man, I got mad respect,” I told him and it was true, he ran a tight ship with his crew. He wasn’t playin’ at this.

  “Seems to me that’s all L’il Bit’s been doing is thinking. She’s wearing herself ragged turning the same things over and over in that pretty little head of hers,” he raked over me with his gaze. I smoothed down my hair and twisted my lips and thought about it some. He had a point.

  “Lemme ask you somethin’ Brother,” he said.

  “Shoot,” I said.

  “Why ain’t you tapped that?” he asked and I barked a laugh.

  “She’s been wrung out psychologically and emotionally,” I said and he raised his eyebrows as if to say ‘So?’ I palmed the back of my neck and I sighed.

  “I want her scared and trusting underneath me more than words can say but at the same time I don’t want to scare her away. I’m afraid I’m gonna overwhelm her and that’ll be it,” I said truthfully.

  “You didn’t scare the gold eyed girl. I heard you tell her on the phone,” he said.

  “Ashton was different, she’s my best friend Trigger’s girl and is pretty much afraid all the time anyways, or she was when we shared her,” I said and shrugged.

  “You don’t mind sharing?” he asked.

  “Not every once in a while, for sex only. I’m not a poly kind of guy, just a freak in the sack. I told her she should rebound off of you or one of your crew down here, get some of her physical needs met. Her intended hadn’t touched her in forever,” I was looking out at her small figure standing on the shore as she stared out over the water.

  “Shit, no wonder she flinches every time she’s touched then goes all in as soon as she knows who it is. She’s not used to being touched and at the same time is starved for it.” His gaze followed mine.

  “Yep, that about covers it,” I said.

  “She wants you,” he stated flatly.

  “Yeah,” I said.


  “You want her,” he said.

  “Yeah,” I agreed again.

  “I don’t mind sharing,” he said and I glanced at him.

  “She needs to feel good, about herself, her looks… She needs some serious attention.” I thought about it. I could keep myself in check, she would probably be more comfortable with me… Hmm.

  “She knows about you and the other girl, the one who belongs to your best friend,” he stated.

  “How you know that?” I asked.

  “When she was on the phone at dinner last night. Remember? The girl on the phone,”

  “Ashton, Sunshine.” I supplied.

  “Sunshine said she’d be willing to share her Viking and Hayden didn’t as much as flinch or blink. Just politely declined. She’s thought about it,” he said with certainty.

  I was thinking about it now.

  “Let me go talk to her?” he said and I glanced his way. Why not? I was right here, she was safe enough. I blinked as light glimmered on the horizon.

  “Storm is coming in,” he said when I frowned and I realized it was lighting I was seeing, out over the water, in the distance.

  “What do you think man?” he asked. I nodded and he put a hand on my shoulder.

  “Be right back,” he said and strode out across the sand toward the woman holding my heart.

  Chapter 10

  Hayden…

  I watched the trio of men walk across the sugar-fine sand towards the target Reaver had pulled his knives from. They stood in a huddle going through Reaver’s cut as he showed them how and where he had all of his knives hidden. Even I had been surprised at how many he had stashed away, but I shouldn’t have been. Reaver was like that. Beautiful, dangerous, deadly and apparently mine.

  The tension and my fear for Reaver’s safety drained out of me so very slowly, ticking down and away like grain after grain of the same fine sand we stood on through an hourglass. I palmed the back of my neck and huddled miserably in my thin cover up. The fire was warm at my back and conversation among the Kraken had picked up, though softer, more muted and less boisterous than it had been.

  Reaver was watching me, a faint reassuring smile painted on his lips. I watched them and when several minutes went by with no violence I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d drawn and held. A glimmer of light out of the corner of my eye had my head whipping round. I watched and another flicker came a few moments later.

  I looked back to the men who were obviously talking about the knives and rolled my eyes. The three of them looked like a trio of boys discussing their favorite GI Joe action figures now. A child like gleam of wonder in their eyes and I moved off towards the water to think. I stood and stared as lightning glimmered and flickered in the distance. So beautiful where it reflected off the water.

  I wanted Reaver. I finally admitted it to myself. I wanted him to hold me, scare me, kiss me; thrill me in the way only he had ever been able to do… I wanted it with a deep and abiding ache and talking to Ashton that afternoon made me realize it.

  The phone had been warm when he’d set it in my hand, it could only be one person so I’d greeted her by name.

  “Ashton.”

  “Hey you! You sound better. Happier!” she’d said and I’d told her about the light house and the surfing lessons. I really did feel better, lighter than I had in days.

  “Soooo Reaver sent me a picture of the two of you this morning,” she said and my heart froze in my chest for a moment. I looked over at the man in question who was deep in conversation with Cutter at the time.

  “You aren’t mad are you?” I asked meekly.

  “Hayden are you nuts!?” she’d asked me.

  “I can’t ever be mad at you, not for letting Reaver take care of you. Honey you were miserable with Andy, you can’t deny it...” she sighed.

  “You two… you know?” she asked.

  “No uh, not yet,” I said very conscious of Hossler beside me.

  “’Yet’ being the operative word,” she said and I smiled.

  “I don’t know if it’s such a good idea so soon… you know?” I said.

  “Worried about what people will think?” She asked and I’d blinked taken aback. Was I? I mean was I really?

  “I didn’t think I was,” I told her honestly. It was always truth between us besties.

  “Okay, are you worried about what people will think or what your mother would think?” She asked and I think she hit the proverbial nail right on the head.

  “Wow,” I said into the phone.

  “Hayden, we love you. Me, Trigger, Reaver especially, and the whole MC… You’re family to us. Family that doesn’t judge you! We love you for who you are, not for who we want you to be not for who you’re with, just you!” she said and I smiled a little sadly.

  “You’re the best Ashton,” I whispered, “I still worry about my dad though,” I confessed.

  “Honey Reaver talked to your dad. Your dad gave him his blessing to take you down there,” she said.

  “What?” I asked confused.

  “Everett heard the whole thing,” she said matter-of-factly. I looked over at Reaver and chewed my bottom lip.

  “My dad knows I’m here with Reaver?” I asked just to make sure I was hearing things right.

  “Yep.” she said. I sighed. We talked for a few minutes more and I hung up, then dialed my daddy’s number which I knew by heart.

  “Hello?” he picked up on the fourth ring, just when I thought it was going to kick to voicemail.

  “Daddy?” I asked.

  “Peanut! How are you doing?” he asked.

  “I’m so sorry Daddy…” I started and he hushed me just like he used to do when I was a child.

  “No, no, no, not your fault Baby,” he said, “None of this is your fault.” He sighed. “I owe you an apology Peanut. I never should have left you alone with your mother for as long as I did. I realize that now.” I blinked.

  “You’re not disappointed in me?” I asked, tears welling up. Hossler put an arm around me and I sniffed.

  “No Baby, not one bit,” he’d said and I sighed out in relief.

  “Is that young man Rhett taking care of you?” he asked, I frowned.

  “Rhett?” I asked, “Don’t you mean Reaver?”

  “Ah, yes, I looked into Mr. Butler, his first name apparently is indeed Rhett. Is he taking care of you Hayden?” he asked and his voice was full of concern like I had never heard it before.

  “Daddy he’s really amazing,” I said, adding, “He’s taking very good care of me.” I looked over at Rhett Butler and stifled a giggle.

  “He has a past Hayden. I figured he did when I saw the tattoos but I never imagined…” I stopped him.

  “What that he was addicted to heroin at one point? That he had a son and an ex that he was paying child support to? That for a long time the motorcycle club he belongs to weren’t the best of people?” I asked gently, slightly exasperated but understanding full well that I was still my daddy’s little girl. Of course he would check on me, into who I was with.

  “He told you?” my father had asked, incredulous.

  “Reaver doesn’t lie to me Daddy. It’s not all pretty, sunshine and roses, but he doesn’t lie. Not once, not ever,” I said softly. There was a long silence on the other end of the line.

  “He’s suspected of murder, nothing they were able to prove,” he said. I sighed.

  “Daddy I know about that too,” I said gently.

  “Hayden you’re bright, my little girl is so smart… Are you sure?” he asked me.

  “Are you sure about mom?” I asked and I know it was a low blow. He sucked in a breath.

  “I never regretted marrying your mother. Not for one minute Hayden,” he said and I heard in the steel of his voice he meant it. “Not until I walked in that house and heard her talking to you that way.” Tears sprang to my eyes. “She wasn’t like that when I met her, when she had you… I don’t honestly know what happened. Maybe it’s my fault, may
be I was away too much… I don’t know. What I do know is that I loved your mother very much but after your wedding…” he trailed off silent for too long.

  “Daddy?” I asked, and he sucked in a shuddering breath.

  “Peanut, you take as much time as you need,” he said and I realized my father was crying.

  “Daddy?”

  “I’ll see you when you get home. I love you Hayden, and I’m so very sorry for everything,” he said.

  “Daddy I love you too,” my voice cracked and the pent up tears spilled over.

  “See you soon Baby,” he said and hung up. I swallowed and dashed at my eyes. Reaver was deep in conversation with Cutter and I sighed wondering when this emotional rollercoaster would end, but I had to admit to myself then as I had to admit to myself now that my conversation with my father had lifted quite the burden off my shoulders.

  I sighed out and came back to the present, watching the lightning flicker over the water. I listened to the waves crashing upon the shore; felt the breeze tickle across my skin and let some things go. Warmth enveloped me from behind, the still presence that had become so familiar folded around me and I leaned back into a muscled chest. I closed my eyes and sighed again and cuddled back into Reaver.

  “I’m tired of thinking,” I said.

  “That’s what I told your man. You’ve been thinking too much,” I startled hard and the arms tightened around me.

  “Easy L’il Bit. He’s watching us, he’s just back yonder. You’re safe.” I put a hand to my face and bowed my head.

  “I’m sorry I thought you were him, you have that same stillness…” he chuckled.

  “Stillness huh?” he asked and I craned my head back to look up at him. His eyes smiled as much as his mouth did. Jovial lines fanning out at the corners of his eyes, bracketing his mouth. I’d never been much for men with facial hair, but on Cutter, his close clipped beard looked right. I didn’t think he would look complete without it.

  “Your man and I have been talking,” he stated dryly, settling me more comfortably in his arms. I let him. It was growing chilly as the breeze grew stronger. I looked out over the water at Mother Nature’s light show, which grew closer as the minutes passed, it still seemed a long way off yet though.