Cracked & Crushed

by A. J. Downey

  The cabin was quiet now, oppressively so and I slipped out onto the front porch where Squick stood vigil. He was on the porch swing by the door and I sat down beside him. He had a mixed look of determination and nerves on him, a handgun balanced on his knee, one of his long fingered artist’s hands curled around it at the ready. I swallowed, mouth gone dry.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey,” he grunted back and gritted his teeth, a muscle jumping along his jaw as he scanned the darkness outside the pool of light cast by the bare light bulb of the porch light.

  “What do you think is happening?” I asked softly.

  “I couldn’t say Hayden,” he said softly and I wondered to myself, couldn’t or wouldn’t? Either way it didn’t matter. Whatever was happening was happening and in the universes’ hands now. Somehow, whatever was going on in the dark, whatever the men had gone to tend to…? I didn’t think God had anything to do with it. I shivered and hugged myself.

  “If you’re cold you should go inside,” Squick said kindly, misinterpreting the movement. I wasn’t cold. At least not the kind that a blanket could cure. I opened my mouth to tell him so when voices in the dark had our heads snapping towards the pathway. I saw Trigger first, his bright blonde head a beacon in the dark, he came into the light and I sprang to my feet, Reaver just behind him I started down the steps and froze, the blood draining from my face.

  “Hayden! Baby no! Stop! Wait Doll!” I back pedaled away from him but he was quick, dropping the bloodied leather vest that had belonged to the Suicide King that had hurt Shelly to the ground. His hands snapped out, long agile fingers wrapping around my arm, just above my wrist, they were tacky, sticky with what looked like chocolate sauce in the washed out porch light but the overwhelming metallic smell, that cloying smell that invaded my nose and coated my tongue with bitter copper, told me what it really was. I jerked on my arm and leaned back.

  “Let me go!” I cried horrified.

  “Hayden, Baby stop! Listen!” Reaver tugged on me and in my imbalanced state I pitched forward against him, my hand planted against the slick leather of his cut, over the felt patches of switchblades lined up in a neat column and I felt myself sob. I pushed away but he’d captured my face between his hands I jolted at the congealed feeling of his fingers against my skin, thick with blood that was beginning to or had dried to flaking patches on his skin. It was like something out of a horror movie. Trigger had a hand on Reaver’s arm, Dray and Dragon were calling to him to stop.

  “Please let me go, please let me go,” I chanted.

  “Dude! Reaver stop!”

  “You’re scaring the shit out of her man let her go!”

  “Reaver!”

  I needed it to stop, I needed him to let me go I looked up into his calm blue eyes so full of sadness so tormented which turned serene when he saw how afraid I was and I screamed, I screamed sharp and loud the only word I knew that might make him let go, might make him stop.

  “Icarus!”

  Everyone went silent around me, Reaver’s face crumpled in confusion, his expression undermined further by agony and his tight hold on my face dropped. I threw myself backwards away from him and crawled hands over feet up the porch steps. I ripped open the screen door and stumbled, sobbing through the front room. There was no one to see me, no one to care and I was glad for that. I was really glad for that. I threw myself into the nearest bathroom and slammed the door locking it behind me and slumped to the floor, giving myself over to my despair.

  I closed my eyes and tried to block out the image of his white basketball shorts smeared with bloody hand prints. Of the cracked and crazed look in his clear blue eyes and most of all of those beautiful hands of his, the ones he’d used on me over and over to hold and caress my body, to bring me to the height of pleasure with blood caked around the nails, reaching for me like something out of a horror film. Except this was no film, this as real life, my life, our life… One thing played over and over in my mind… What had he done? Dear God, he’d warned me, he’d told me but what had he done!?

  Chapter 25

  Reaver…

  Trig, my best friend, held me back from going after my girl. His arms locked around my shoulders and he lifted me clean off the ground the rest of my brothers shouting and calling my name but it was Trigger’s voice by my ear that made me go still.

  “She’s lost Brother and this ain’t over yet! Just let her go for now. She’s safe she’s in the cabin and she’s gonna be all right but we gotta see this through!” He was right. Of course he was right but… I stared longingly after where she’d gone, her scream echoing in my ears like an accusation. ‘Icarus!’ Shit. Fuck. God damn, mother fucker! I stilled in Trigger’s arms and wanted desperately for someone, anyone else to cross us tonight. My blood lust was at a fever pitch.

  Trigger let me go slowly, cautiously and I stood, chest heaving and stared at the ground for a long minute. I looked up and turned to see almost all of my brothers looking at me with varying degrees of pity and concern and in some, even with a touch of fear. Trigger’s eyes were full of compassion and it calmed me down, I connected with my best friend better than anyone I had before, well before Hayden. I glanced at the front of the cabin one last time and turned, giving our current situation my all.

  “Reave you good?” Dragon asked me. I gave our President my full attention meeting his querulous gaze with my own and gave him a short nod. I didn’t trust myself to speak, not yet anyways.

  “Zander,” Dragon looked over to the stocky man and tossed him a set of keys. Zander caught them. “You know which one is his?” Dragon asked. Zander nodded. “Leave now. Trig will make sure your shit is taken care of. Take it to the club house and make sure to lock it in one of the garages out back. You get me?” Dragon asked.

  “Yes, Sir. I get you,” he took off at a jog for the line of bikes in front of the lodge to ride Sparks’ bike back up North. We’d part it out and dispose of the hulk later. Zander had driven the crash truck down with Squick so his bike wasn’t here to worry about. Guess Squick would be driving back solo.

  “Squick, stay with the women, anything…”

  “Not in Sacred Hearts or Kraken colors, shoot it. On it Boss,” Squick said with a faint smile, giving Dragon a little salute. Dragon gave him a steely look and a curt nod.

  “Rest of you, arm up and‘re with me,” Dragon said. Handguns and in my case knives came out, for several seconds it was faint metallic clicks and the scraping of cold steel as everyone checked their weaponry for readiness. We went down the path towards the fires on the lake’s beach and met Cutter and some of his cabinet on the pathway on the way down.

  “Grizzly is makin’ noises wonderin’ where Sparks got off to,” Cutter said falling into step beside Dragon.

  “Got ‘im contained?” Dragon asked.

  “Did you one better friend. Got ‘em all corralled by the fires,” Cutter grinned and slipped a couple of his own knives free, he looked me over and stilled.

  “L’il Bit see you like that?” he asked.

  “Later man,” Trigger grunted and Cutter nodded, his face settling into unhappy lines. I appreciated that. That he’d worry for her, that he worried for us but Trig was right. Now was not the time or the place. I didn’t think I had much place prayin’ after what I’d just done but I did it anyways. Sending up a silent plea for Hayden, that I hadn’t damaged her psyche beyond repair, but I knew without a doubt, it was over between us. I had to let her go. I braced my hands on my knees and dragged in several deep breaths before resolutely shoving my brain back into the game. We marched into the circle of light cast by the glowing orange flames and let Dragon take the lead.

  “Congratulations on your fucking promotion,” Dragon growled and threw Sparks’ bloody cut at Griz’s feet. Griz scowled down at it.

  “What the fuck!?” he rumbled.

  “What did I tell you fuckers!?” Dragon bellowed, turning to take in all assembled. “Huh!?” He demanded. Everyone went still and silent, the o
nly sound the licking of flames and the crack of wood sending sparks dancing into the night sky.

  “When you first arrived, I told you the rules! RESPECT! And to not touch what wasn’t yours! Sparks broke both of them and he knew the consequences! He paid ‘em!” Dragon’s voice carried and when they faded the silence roared in their wake with their echo. All eyes were turned onto our P.

  “The fuck you sayin’?” Griz demanded.

  “He took one of our girls by force. Raped her,” Dray said and the look he gave was pure, heartless, killer, fierce male protector, and in that moment I knew that Dray had arrived. My respect for our VP crested at an all-time high.

  “Now anyone that doesn’t want to end up the way of the dodo, I suggest you fuckin’ leave,” Dragon said.

  “You gonna make us?” Griz demanded holding out his hands and grinning. Guns pointed in their direction, both Sacred Hearts and Kraken and it wiped the smile off of Griz’s face.

  “So that’s how it’s gonna be huh? Over some dumb club whore? You guys are fuckin’ pussy whipped,” Griz spit on the ground and I resisted the urge to bury one of my blades someplace tender on the bigger man.

  “I suggest you leave, friend, before things get nasty,” Cutter said and he was smiling an unfriendly and downright nasty smile. Griz took in the odds, the Suicide Kings outnumbered the Sacred Hearts but not with the Kraken backing us.

  “This ain’t over,” he pointed at Dragon, “You can’t kill our P. over a fucking club bitch and expect that this ain’t war,” he said.

  “Don’t expect nothin’,” Dragon said with a sniff, “Now get fuckin’ gone.”

  We stood vigil and made sure they got while the getting was good. I got a lot of sideways looks from people at my bloodied appearance but I didn’t care. All I could think about was how utterly I had failed all three of the females that really mattered in my life. I mean, Aimee was a lost cause, had been a lost cause for a long time… But Shelly… Avenging Shelly wouldn’t be enough to erase the hurt that had been put on her and Hayden, losing Hayden…

  “I’m gonna go check on L’il Bit for you,” Cutter murmured as we all wearily trudged back to the cabin after every last one of the Suicide Kings were gone.

  “No offense man, but I’d prefer if you didn’t,” I said. Cutter raised an eyebrow and followed my gaze.

  “Ah,” he said in understanding.

  “I’ll take care of it Brother,” Trigger said with sympathy in his eyes.

  We went through the cabin door behind Dray who exclaimed, “Fucking hell!”

  “What now?” Dragon uttered.

  “One of the Suicide Kings’ bitches got left behind,” Tiny muttered.

  I sighed, “Leave her alone, she sold them out.” Tonya sat huddled on a dining chair.

  “I just want to go home,” she said.

  “Where’s home?” Dragon asked.

  “Tallahassee,” she answered.

  “That I can help you with,” Cutter said kindly.

  “You seen my woman?” I asked her and her eyes got huge at my appearance.

  “Locked herself in the bathroom over there a couple of hours ago crying. Haven’t heard anything in a while and she hasn’t come out,” she murmured and I fisted my hair in my hands. Trigger put his hands on my shoulders and shook me a little.

  “I got it Bro, you get busy somewhere else,” he gave me a meaningful look.

  “Ghost, go help Reaver,” Dragon ordered and I looked at him, “You got a mess to clean up.” He arched a brow and I nodded. I was the best one of us here at body disposal. I gave Trigger’s back a lingering look as he rapped on the bathroom door.

  “Hayden?” he called out and Ghost gently gripped my elbow and steered me back out into the night.

  Chapter 26

  Hayden…

  I cried my ugly cry until it faded into hiccupping sobs. I’d crawled across the bathroom floor and huddled, back against the wall knees drawn to my chest between the bathtub and the sink below the small frosted window to the outside. Once there I gave myself completely to my misery. Reaver had killed somebody. There was a vast difference between hearing someone tell you they’ve done something awful and having that same someone come to you with actual blood on their hands. That wasn’t all though. That wasn’t what had terrified me or horrified me the most.

  Tapping at the bathroom door… “Hayden?” Trigger’s baritone voice. I didn’t respond but hugged myself tighter, wincing at my stiffness, unsure how long I’d been huddled here facing the disquiet of the stark reality: The man I loved and the man I trusted was a monster. My shoulders shook and I sobbed quietly.

  “Hayden?” the knob turned but I’d locked the door. I covered my face with my hands and something flaked under my fingers. I jerked my hands away from my face and stared horrified at the flaking patches of blood on my skin. I must have screamed or cried out because the door blew open on its hinges with a sharp crack I startled and tried to press myself back into the wall.

  Ashton’s Ethan slid across the black and white tile on his knees reaching for me, compassion in his silvery blue eyes which were warm, not cold like Reaver’s but still, I cringed.

  “Easy, easy easy!” He soothed then, “Aw Baby, let’s get you cleaned up. Stay here.” He hit the faucet on the sink, the sound of running water loud in the small space, drowned out by my keening wail and fresh panicked sobs.

  Reaver had killed someone and his blood was all over my face, all over my hands!

  Trigger wet a white washcloth in the sink and lathered it gently with a sliver of hotel soap. He knelt back down in front of me and gently captured my arm, just below the elbow and pulled it towards him.

  “Aw geeze!” came from the open bathroom doorway and I turned my blood and tear stained face up to Cutter.

  “He killed someone!” I heard my heartbroken voice cry out as Trigger wiped at my hand with the washrag like a parent cleaning up a toddler from a messy meal. The thought caused a hysterical little laugh to bubble in my throat.

  “Go find Doc, she’s shocky,” Trig said and it made Cutter go away. I sniffed and he wiped at my face with the rag which was turning pink. I jolted back from it violently and gagged.

  “Easy! Easy Hayden, I’m tryin’ to help. Let’s just get you cleaned up. Okay? It’ll make you feel better I promise.” He rinsed the washcloth in the hot water streaming from the tap and Ashton appeared in the doorway with a glass of water.

  “Oh no,” she moaned and knelt by me too. “Here honey I need you to take this. Can you do that can you take this for me?” She murmured and held out her hand a small white pill on her palm. God, yes, please! Anything to shut this out! I took the pill and put it in my mouth and swallowed three great draughts of water to ensure it went down.

  “Help me check and make sure I got it all,” Trig muttered and Ashton started checking me over. They were such good friends to take care of me. Me! There was nothing wrong with me, was there? I shoved at Ashton.

  “Go take care of Shelly, she hates me but I don’t hate her, she needs you more,” I said and my words felt thick in my mouth.

  “No Baby, Shelly has Evy and Chandra and Doc… You’re my best friend let me take care of you for a change.” She smiled sweetly.

  “Mother to us all,” Trig grunted and she gave him such a sweet and beautiful look and it made me break a little more because for a brief shining moment I’d had that too! With Reaver, but then… but then…

  “Oh Honey!” Ashton cried and pulled me into her arms. I didn’t think I could cry anymore but I was wrong. The next morning proved it. I woke between Ashton and Trigger in their room, my belongings that had been in Reaver’s saddlebags sat in a neat stack outside the door. Ashton found a bag for them and we met with everyone to make the long ride home. Seeing Reaver hurt, unimaginably so. His eyes were shuttered and his expression cold when he looked at me. Shelly was near him and gave me an equally cold look.

  “Reaver?” his name escaped my lips unbidden and he raked me wit
h his gaze.

  “You didn’t trust me, Doll,” he said and mounted his bike.

  “Reaver!” Ashton admonished him, but Shelly simply mounted the bike behind him and they fell into line. Trigger glared after his best friend and my heart ached with a sharp fierceness I’d never before known, as if my whole existence were being ripped in two. Cutter’s hands descended onto my shoulders and I jumped.

  “He’s hurt, L’il Bit. Give him time,” he murmured. I had nothing to say and so I didn’t say anything. Cutter kissed my shoulder where my tank didn’t cover and murmured in my ear, “You need anything you call me. Day or night, it doesn’t matter. Okay?”

  “What can you do?” I said and wiped at my tears.

  “May not be able to do much, but I can listen.” I looked up into his sorrowful brown eyes, sorrowful in the face of my pain, Reaver’s pain and nodded. He bent and placed his lips against mine in a soft, chaste kiss. A bike revved loud and angry and I jumped. We looked and Reaver scowled at us. I gave him the finger. He didn’t get to do that! He didn’t get to scare the hell out of me and then be mad when someone tried to comfort me! He didn’t! It wasn’t fair! I dissolved into more broken sobbing and Cutter pulled me against him, shushing me with a calm and practiced grace I didn’t know he had in him. He helped me into the passenger seat of the crash truck beside Squick who would be driving.

  “You okay?” Squick asked quietly.

  “I’m the furthest thing from okay that anyone could possibly be,” I answered tonelessly, fixing my gaze out the window.

  “Take care of her,” Cutter said and Squick nodded. I cried the entire four hour drive back home. Squick was kind enough to peel off and take me home when we were close enough to the club house, after calling Dragon and getting the okay first, of course.