Art of Forgiveness

by Monique Orgeron

  I paused, needing to settle my breathing. “You know, I saw myself in you that night back at your mother’s charity gala. I watched your face as your mother degraded you in front of strangers. It disgusted me. All I wanted to do was to tell you to fight back, but I couldn’t. For years, I took abuse like that. I let people treat me like shit. The sad part was I even thought I deserved it. But I learned I didn’t, and neither do you. I learned to demand more; I deserved to be treated with respect. I learned not to accept anything less, and you need to demand that, too.”

  “You might refuse to talk to the therapist, but Avery, you need to talk to me.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Yes, you can. You can tell me anything. I will hold all your secrets and I expect you to hold mine.”

  She turns to look up at me and we stare at each other for a few minutes until I know she’s listening. “Avery, do you think you’re the only girl who goes through something like this? It’s a horrible thing to say, but it’s true, most women at one time or another and in one way or another have been through something like this, either in the form of verbal, mental, or physical abuse. Some go through abandonment, molestation, harassment, and more than enough women live through being raped. But the lucky ones, well, we get through it. I…Jesus, I lived through all of them.”

  Avery’s face flies up, and I see the shock of what I just told her evident on her face.

  “I’m going to share things with you that only one other person knows about me. You’re not alone, Avery. I was abandoned when I was a child, then I was molested in foster care. I ran away and became homeless. The things I had to do to survive...well, we won’t go down that road.”

  I take a deep breath to continue. “When I married, I became abused in every way. My husband, Liam’s father, liked to degrade me. It was his way to keep me. Some men prey on the thought that if you think so little of yourself, then you’ll never leave them, because who else would want you? After all, you are nothing without them.”

  I lay the loofah down and continue. I lift my shirt; I need her to see some of my scars. Believing is seeing.

  Her eyes go wide, as if she can’t believe what I’m showing her.

  “He physically abused me almost our whole marriage. He would also rape me, Avery.” I give pause, knowing we both need it.

  “He continued to rape me over and over for years. In the beginning it wasn’t like that, but then he started and it became the norm. In some way, I think it was the only way he could get off. You see, Avery, I understand you and know you like no other. If you let me, I’ll help you live again, because you can, Avery. You just have to want to.”

  Avery bows her head to her knees, and I hear the faintest whisper. “How?”

  With a finger under her chin, I lift her head. “You need to address me.”

  “I said how?” She’s fully crying now.

  “Right here, Avery. This is how we start. You need to talk to me, and then you need to fight. I know it’s going to be hard, but you can’t give up, Avery. You have to forgive. You have to start to forgive yourself. You are the most important thing to start on. By forgiving yourself for all the years you allowed your parents or peers to treat you like you were worthless, you will start to move on.”

  I make sure to stress this next point. “I’m not telling you to forget, Avery. You’ll need to remember, so it gives you the strength to never let it happen again. You also need to forgive yourself for any shame you might feel about being raped. Those men did horrific things to you, but you didn’t ask for it. You in no way made them do that to you. It’s going to take time, Avery, but you’ll start to learn to release the pain.”

  “How, Mrs. Stern? I see them every time I close my eyes. I still feel them touching me. I just want it to stop, all of it; the memories and the pain.”

  “Call me Catherine, Avery. Look at me, child. I promise you it will get easier. It will.”

  I slowly take another breath and release some emotion before I lose it. I need to remain strong for her. She can’t witness me crack; she needs me too much.

  “I will never forget what happened to me, Avery. But I slowly learned to use it. The pain became my weapon. I used the pain to push me to become better; it gave me the strength to be who I really was. You will find yourself, too; not the old Avery, but a new version of yourself, a version that will allow you to go on. Then you will slowly release the pain. That’s important because if you let it stay with you too long, it can destroy you. To love, you must free yourself of the pain; at least the majority of it. Some will never leave you, no matter how hard you try. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you. Seeing you like this brings back the pain, and it scares me.”

  “I can’t, Catherine. I don’t know how to find my way back.”

  “Child, you’re not going back; you’re going forward. The old Avery, the one who allowed herself to be verbally abused and didn’t stand up for herself, that girl doesn’t exist anymore. As far as being raped, you can and will learn to move on. First, you have to refuse to play the victim anymore, take your life back, Avery. Living is the best revenge after being degraded. You are strong, Avery, I see it in you. You just need to believe it.”

  “They did such horrible things to me, Catherine. I was a virgin, I was clean, and now I’m dirty. No one will want me.”

  I grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to face me. “Do you want you, Avery? Fuck everyone else. Do you want you? No one will truly want you unless you want and love yourself. No man can make you whole, girl. You must do it on your own. Do you hear me?”

  “Yes.”

  I release her and soften my voice again. “Good. You can talk to me, Avery. If you want to tell me details of what happened, you may, but I already know without the words. I’ve been there. That’s why I know what you’re going through; the rest is just schematics. It’s your choice how much you tell me. But we do need to keep the line of communication open.”

  I stand and ask. “Avery, why don’t you want me to call your parents? Why are you scared?”

  “I can’t right now. Can you please just not call them? I’ll tell you everything, just not right now.”

  “All right, child. I’ll let it go for now, but I want answers soon. Why don’t you finish bathing and dry off? I’ll wait for you in the bedroom, okay?”

  Avery nods her head as I leave her to finish. Once I close the door, I grab my stomach and lay a hand over my mouth trying to muffle the tears I was holding back. It took a lot out of me to tell someone my story, even though I didn’t tell her details or even all of it. It was enough to hurt. Then she tells me she was innocent. I didn’t know that part. I thought Liam said he loved her. What happened between them? I would have thought he had slept with her. Then I think about her reluctance to tell me about her parents. What is there that I don’t know? Obviously, a lot.

  20

  Avery

  Catherine just left the room, and I’m left with my thoughts. Can I do what she said? Can I find the will to live again and move on? For so long now, I’ve drowned in my self-pity, even before I was kidnapped. I let people abuse me; she’s right, I allowed it. I guess it’s time for me to decide if I want to fight for myself. Can I try to find a way to love myself? I don’t know if I ever truly did.

  My parents never allowed me to think I deserved more, but now Catherine says I do, and I believe her. How sad is it that it took one person to tell me I am strong for me to want to be strong? I know I have to tell her more, and in time I will. I’m just not ready to tell someone all the vile things they did to me. Then I think of Adam. If I do this, I’ll have to deal with him, it’s just I don’t know how. My mind starts to flash back to the night I gave up fighting the senator.

  I’m lying on the bed when he comes back in the room. He’s pissed off because I won’t fight him. He comes back to try again, but I do nothing but lay there. He starts hitting me over and over until he picks me up by my hair and says, “What’s wrong with you, stupid cunt?”

/>   I still didn’t respond; I couldn’t, I am dead inside. So, he continues to beat me for what seems like forever, until he can’t go anymore, then he leaves and I lay there, battered black and blue.

  I shake myself out of the nightmare. I need to be free of this. I didn’t fight back because I lost all hope of ever being rescued, but I did get rescued. I did physically survive, and I can’t waste this chance. I want it.

  I stand up and dry myself off. When I look in the mirror, I see none of the bruises left on the outside of my body. I’m whole on the outside; now I need to make the inside whole, too. I wrap the towel around my body and open the door to find Catherine wiping her tears away. I can’t believe this woman I’ve admired from afar was ever a victim like me. I used to think I want to be just like her; little did I know, I am. I just need to come through it like she did. If she could live through everything she told me about, then I can, too.

  “I want to fight, Catherine. I want to live. Please, will you help me?”

  She stands and hugs me. We stay like that for a long time. I don’t ever remember my mom ever holding me like this. It takes Catherine Stern to show me tenderness in a way most people would say is impossible for a woman like her.

  Fallon walks in with a tray full of my breakfast, interrupting our hold. Catherine asks her,“Fallon, good morning, have the boys left for the day?”

  Fallon stands there, stunned for a second, holding the tray, then answers, “Good morning. Gabriel left early and Liam just left. Zander and Vin didn’t sleep here last night. So, I’m not sure where they are.”

  “Good, I’m glad they’re gone. Fallon, can you please bring that tray back downstairs? Avery will be eating breakfast with us, downstairs, from now on. Oh, and Fallon, can you bring me one of your dresses? Avery needs something proper to wear downstairs. Thank you.”

  Fallon leaves, and I go to take one of my pills. Catherine yanks the bottle out of my hand.

  “You will no longer take these. It’s a crutch you won’t need from now on.”

  How dare she? I need those pills.

  “I need them, Catherine. Please, they help me.”

  “No, they don’t, Avery, they numb you. You don’t need them; you just need yourself. Besides, you don’t think I was already aware of the fact that you were taking them like candy? I had the doctor lessen their strength over time, and now they aren’t much of anything. It’s all in your head, Avery.”

  I want to hit her so bad right now, and she stands there laughing at me.

  “Oh, Avery, that’s it, girl. Get pissed. Get mad all you want at me. It just makes me want to push you harder. Show me that fire.”

  I can’t believe her, but then she pushes me down into a chair. She starts brushing my hair, and I revel in the fact of someone taking care of me. I wonder back; did my mother ever brush my hair? I don’t ever remember her doing that. It feels nice.

  Fallon comes back in with a simple dress and a cardigan. I dress and slide into some slippers. I pause at the door; I haven’t left this room since I was rescued, and I’m scared. This room is safe; outside of it is a gamble.

  Catherine takes notice. “You can do it, Avery. I believe in you.”

  I smile at her and walk out of the security of my cage. My nerves are getting the better of me as we head downstairs. I want to turn around and go back to my room, but Fallon holds my hand and doesn’t let me. We make it to the dining room just as I see a man setting it with food. I take a step back.

  Fallon takes notice and says, “Avery, this is Jeffery. He’s our butler. Remember we introduced him to you when we arrived? He won’t hurt you. I promise he’s a very gentle soul.”

  I push forward and sit. As we begin to eat, I look around at my surroundings. They’re formal but comfortable and beautiful. I always tried to imagine where Liam lived. I’ve seen the outside before, but when I imagined his life inside, it didn’t compare to this. It is grander at its finest, but it feels like a home, not a museum like my home. My thoughts are interrupted when I hear Catherine making plans.

  “I will have clothes brought in tomorrow, and then we can discuss your training. I want you to write your sizes down, and your shoes size, too. Today will be easy. I just want you to relax and walk around. I want you to feel at home. This house is extremely protected inside and out, so I don’t want you being scared to venture. The only men allowed into this house or on the grounds are my sons and my employees who have all been vetted. They will never dare to cross me, so I promise you nothing will happen to you under my protection. When it’s time for lunch, we will meet you here, in the dining room, at twelve sharp. If you get hungry between now and then, feel free to dig. I’m not sure if my sons will be joining us for supper. I will let you know. If they do, you can eat in your room if you choose. I won’t force you to be around them right now.”

  I ask, “What kind of training are you talking about, Catherine?”

  Suddenly, Fallon lets out a chuckle and quickly hides it when she sees Catherine’s stare.

  “Training you to live. I will have everything taken care of. Fallon can tell you about some of it, but it won’t be the same.”

  Now I’m curious when I see Fallon squirm in her chair. What the hell is it like to be in this family?

  21

  Avery

  After breakfast, I decide to listen to Catherine, so I walk around the house. I’m slow and hesitant, but I manage, and as the hour goes by, it gets a little easier. This house is incredible and almost indescribable. It’s one of the largest homes in the state. I read an article about it when I was seeing Liam. It’s been in the family since the Louisiana Purchase. Over the years, the families have added on to it, making it more modern, but from what I can tell, it’s only the bathrooms and kitchen that have been totally modernized. All the main rooms and living quarters are a twist of historical elements with some modern touches. The outside is majestic in appearance, the old oak trees give it an old-world charm. Then I see the swimming pool and veranda that brings in modern tastes; the old and the new are beautifully paired. It makes me wonder if they all still live here.

  I hear a sound from behind me that makes me jump. I pat my chest when I realize it’s only Fallon.

  “Avery, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I need to be more careful. Are you all right?”

  I see one of her hands over her heart and one over her belly. “Yes, I’m fine. It looks like I scared you, too.”

  She waves me off. “I’ve been hoping to see you out and about. Can we talk?”

  She walks to the outside living room, and I follow. We sit as she starts. “Look, I know you probably have questions concerning what Catherine meant by your training. But I need to tell you about some of my past for that to happen. I hope you can understand some of it will be hard for me.”

  I nod.

  “When I was eighteen, Catherine found me in a very bad part of the city. I was a scared teenage girl with no hope and no future. She offered me a chance to get out of my dire situation, and I took it. She trained me for years. She had me educated, had me learn all proper etiquette, she even had me taught on how to dress to look classy and elegant. The biggest thing she taught me was the art of seduction.”

  Art of seduction? What the hell does that mean, and why?

  Fallon laughs. “I see that look on your face of what the hell? I know it sounds strange, but I thank God every day that she found me. Without her guidance, I wouldn’t have this life or my love. I was a nobody going nowhere. I wanted more, and she showed me how.”

  I really am not ready to start talking to people yet, but I know I have to start making an effort other than just a passing few words. So, I ask, “I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but why? Why would she help a stranger like that?”

  “None taken. I wondered the same thing for a long time. Originally, she said she wanted me for her son Gabriel. I was training to be able to seduce him and make him marry me.”

  I forget all my fears about verbal conversat
ion when she says that. It is insane.

  “What?”

  She laughs. “You have no idea. That’s a long story, though.” She gets serious now. “What’s important is the part Catherine left out. I learned my mother was her best friend growing up. When they were older, Catherine tried to help get her off the streets by taking her in, but then she got sold to…the senator by Catherine’s husband.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Her mother was taken by the same man who took us.

  “The senator took my mother and made her his slave, just like he did with you. When Catherine found her, she was broken down, beaten beyond recognition. She never truly recovered, but this is the part I need you to know. When she was found, she was pregnant with…me.”

  “Oh my God, you’re Senator Rollins daughter?”

  “Yes, he kidnapped me when he found out who I was. He said he couldn’t have me roaming the Earth to be his living disgrace. He told me I was nothing more than a whore’s daughter and he wouldn’t let me destroy his life. He sold me off to another man named Dicky Shaw. He is supposedly worse than him. Luckily, my husband and my family found me before I was picked up. We found you, too.”

  Fallon starts crying. “I’m so sorry, Avery, that he did that to you. I cried many nights, telling Gabriel how guilty I feel because of who I am to him. Please, can you forgive me?”

  I start to cry, too. “Fallon, I don’t look at you and see him. It’s not your fault. Your mother and you were his victims, too.”

  I grab her hand. “You know, Fallon, I had given up hope, thinking one day he was going to kill me. Hell, I prayed he would kill me. I gave up fighting him; that’s one of the hardest things I’ll have to forgive myself for. I just gave up. Until I heard them bring you in. I was so scared for you. With you there, it gave me a reason to fight. That’s when I started screaming again and fighting them. I thought if I fought them the way he wanted me to, then maybe I could take him away from hurting you. I was more scared for you than I was for myself. Damn, what does that say about me? That I cared more for a stranger than I cared for myself. I have a lot to figure out.”