Absolute Mayhem

by Monica Mayhem

  I also think this industry gets a bad reputation because some of the girls who give interviews to the press are not exactly the brightest light bulbs, so people think we're all ditzy or stupid. They don't realise that it takes some smarts to survive in a business where your success oft en depends on how well you can find people whom you can trust and rely on. It isn't easy at all, and you have to manage not to burn out from the sheer fatigue of dealing with the whole charade.

  I trust my own intuition and I think I always seem to know what is going to be good for my future, even if it's not what normal people would consider a good career move. I feel quite sure I now know a lot more about sex than most people, thanks to all the experimentation I've done in the name of cinematic and photographic art.

  And now, for the sake of many of my fans who are dying to know about my own approach to sex, I'd like to set the record straight. The question about sex that seems to intrigue most people is this: do male porn stars turn me on, or are they just 'prop dicks' to me?

  Some male performers still turn me on, especially when it's someone I haven't worked with for a while, unless they've really let themselves go with their appearance – that is such a turn-off to me. I like a guy who takes care of himself the way I do, but not too much, just enough to look healthy and toned, rather than fat, sloppy and hairy. However, if they have that same sexual appetite they used to have, that can make up for a bit of slackness.

  I like passion, and I hate it when guys act like they are just there to fuck you and get paid. I'm sure that if you ask the guys how they feel about the girls they have to work with, they'll all say pretty much the same thing. It's so much more fun when they are really turned on by me and when they make me feel like they are there for me and not just for the pay cheque.

  Now, I have to add the obvious – some guys automatically assume that porn stars will fuck anything, just because of what we do for a living. These are the guys who will try to make passes at us at parties or try to cop a feel or get a free grope of any of our body parts in public. Seriously, that's not very smart on their part. When you stop to think about it, it's a really dumb assumption. If we fuck for a living and get paid to do that, why would we want to fuck any random guy that comes up?

  While it is true that some girls in this business will fuck just about anyone, those are the very girls any normal guy should avoid – for no other reason than the fact that those girls are always the ones who end up bringing sexually transmitted diseases into our circle, because they're so reckless and don't use condoms.

  Getting accosted is one of those things that becomes an occupational hazard when you meet men at parties. I've had to change my phone number numerous times because of obsessed guys or because of people getting my phone number from people I hardly know who then call me up and try to ask me out. It's a pretty common practice for girls in porn to change their mobile-phone numbers every six months or so to avoid potential stalkers.

  In general, the best thing to do if you're a porn star is to use a separate email address from your regular email and never give out your phone number unless you want someone to call. There's no easy way to handle these kinds of situations, and I find I just have to compartmentalise my life. Yes, it will suck if, some day, no guys will want to try hitting on me but right now I just get creeped out when I see how desperate some guys are. They'll see a porn star and drool like dogs on heat.

  However, those guys usually make it easier for me to spot the guys I do want to fuck – they're usually the quiet ones who don't make it so obvious that they're looking to get laid. Now that, to me, is way more of a turn-on than some cocky bastard who thinks you're there for the taking. Some guys do get nasty when you turn them down, though, and they'll turn on you by saying things like, 'You're just a fucking whore anyway!' They're just hurt that I've rejected them, so I've learned to ignore those kinds of insults.

  The other problem that arises, particularly in my case, is when I'm networking and talking business with guys who may be able to help me in some way or other. Sometimes, it's not easy to tell when they're serious about working with me on something and when they're just trying to date me. I've had crazy situations where I've regretted giving my phone number to one of these types, because they'll then keep calling or texting me to go out with them. I end up not taking those calls or screening my calls – because once you return their call, there'll be no end to it. They'll keep bugging you to 'hang out' or 'meet for dinner'. This tends to happen quite oft en to me because I'm trying to get a rock band together and some music-business types can be so obnoxious.

  My own love life hasn't been rosy. It's difficult maintaining a normal personal life, even if you socialise within your own work circle, like a lot of mainstream Hollywood actors do. I've only actually dated one other fully-fledged porn star and that didn't work too well at all. I think it is partly to do with my own inability to open up quickly. It usually takes me a good six months to really give in and let go of my own emotions. Guys also get very insecure with me, because I don't ever tell them how I feel. I'm always afraid of falling in love and then being left alone, which seems to be a recurring pattern in my life. So I try to hold back.

  Anyway, I don't like to date within the porn industry any more because there's just too much drama – people are always trying to hurt you by telling you things about your man that you don't want to hear, especially right before you're starting to shoot a scene, which really messes up your mind.

  Now, I keep things strictly on a professional level, so that when I go to work I have no emotional attachments to anyone I work with. You have to learn to separate love and sex in this business (and the operative word there is 'learn') because a lot of people confuse the two. You can fall in love so easily just by having sex with someone. But they are two totally separate things. You can fall in love with someone without having sex with them. I do think, however, that good sex is key in a relationship. If you don't have good sex, you're doomed to fail.

  As for myself, I think I'm just scared of falling in love and being hurt, and I get very depressed about this. Again, it stems from my childhood issues of feeling abandoned and neglected, so I put my guard up with every guy I meet. I also know that my single biggest problem is that I get bored easily. I've had so-called relationships where I've dated guys and we didn't last three days together.

  I don't fully know why it seems so hard for me – I see all these happy couples in the business and I think I'm very sincere. Maybe I need to pick stronger men, who are more emotionally secure. All the guys I meet want to be famous too; they want to be the one in the spotlight. I'm holding out for the right guy still, but as of this writing he's nowhere in sight. (As a tip, if you've got tattoos, piercings and a shaved head, that will tend to boost your chances.)

  As far as what I like in bed, well, I've had sex with guys who can cum more than once or who can hold it in, but, to me, when they hold it in too long it seems to take them forever when I do want them to cum. And that makes me feel inadequate. I like it when the guy is so turned on that he wants to cum right away. Feeling guys cumming is a huge turn-on for me, as long as it's not within seconds of fucking me, or from just getting a blow job. I'm really not a fan of 'marathon' sex. I know a lot of guys think they're really good for being able to have sex for long periods of time. But, in reality, it gets old after a while, and girls get sore down there.

  Not only that, as I've mentioned earlier I have a hard time cumming from just penetration, unless I'm in love with the guy or he is just really good at staying hard inside me while I grind on him long enough for me to bring myself off . I do get pleasure from penetration; it's just very hard for me to achieve orgasm this way. So, realistically, long sessions of fucking do nothing for me. I would rather a guy came quickly than have him trying for hours to please me. But hey, if we were dating and still getting to know each other, I'd say, 'Don't give up!' When I am comfortable with a guy, the sex is different. It's just those few awkward times in the beginning that
go on too long, where we're not connecting spiritually and sexually, in which you might just become one of my 'once every couple of months' type of guy. (Oh yes, I do have those.)

  I don't tend to like it when guys get too attached to me, though. I think I have some kind of attention-deficit disorder, even when it involves sex! Poor guys – I have to set them free. I think that makes me a really great porn star, since having numerous partners is never a problem for me – I like the freshness and the variety, and I'm never one to complain when a hot new guy or girl comes my way.

  But if I am seriously dating someone, then the poor guy just doesn't have a chance. Once I'm stuck on a guy, I can't even look at someone else. That's the old-fashioned, romantic side of me, I guess, which isn't always a good thing. Maybe that's why I don't show that side of myself very oft en, and why people tell me how cold I can be.

  Often, I cringe when people show me genuine affection. I never knew how to say those three deceptively simple words, 'I love you', and I still don't. It's so hard when you're not used to being loved or being hugged.

  So, if you're a guy dating me, be prepared to be pushed aside, especially at a red-carpet event or anywhere where there are a lot of fans. You'll mostly have to stand in the background and wait, because you're going to have people grabbing me and pushing you aside, even if it's just going out in clubs in Hollywood. That's how it's been with every guy I've dated since becoming a porn star. And that's another reason why it's been so difficult for me to have a relationship, because most guys are so insecure. They don't believe that I'm actually faithful and loyal. They think I'm after every guy or something, and they don't believe I can love them.

  What usually happens is they either just leave me or they cheat on me, thinking I'm doing it to them when really that's just the way my career goes, since I'm always having sex with other people.

  Seriously, guys, try asking me out if you want to date me and then remember this: every time I'm sucking on some guy's cock and letting him spew his sperm all over my face, I do it because that's what I do for work. Think you can handle that? Yeah, right.

  I've had my heart broken more than once this way, the most recent case being over the rock star I was seeing on and off for a few years. He lived in Montreal and was on tour most of the time, but we had a very strong connection. For so many reasons, he was the love of my life, my soulmate, but so many things kept messing it up – and a lot of that was to do with me being in porn. I'm not one to give up that easily, but when things become too painful it's easier just to walk away. I think now that our relationship is, regrettably, finally over.

  A graphologist who analysed my handwriting said some interesting things about me that I thought were quite accurate. She told me in her emailed analysis that my handwriting belongs to a person who is

  ambitious, strong, and energetic, but not grounded. Someone who has plenty of drive, like a sense of mission, and who also has a very clear sense of what money is worth but somehow isn't grounded – meaning that you tend to kind of space out a bit. You used to do that a lot as a child, more than as a teenager, and you had a childhood that was probably neglectful. From a young age, you created a sort of bubble for yourself and lived in this private space, like another universe. You used to live in a bubble and you used to dream and kind of space out.

  She also said that I am a very direct person who doesn't hide behind mannerisms, and that I have good observation skills and am good with small details, though I sometimes lose track of the bigger picture. I was stunned when I got that analysis, as it was all based solely on my handwriting. I did live in a private bubble when I was a kid, and, to some extent, I find myself still doing that. The porn industry is a microcosm of really unique and unusual proportions and we're all living out little dreams through it.

  And as for small details and the bigger picture? Well, my memory for detail is quite astonishing. I can remember obscure things about many movies I did and even name the locations of certain shoots. There were some still shoots that I did with Robbye Bentley in Simi Valley, Southern California, back in 2001, for instance, that I remember like it was yesterday. I can also look at some of my old layouts and name the photographers right away – Jay Allan, Hank Londoner and Scott St James, in particular – and I can talk about strange or funny things that happened there with blinding detail.

  For example, there are some photos where the guy's face isn't even in it but I know who he is – because I can recognise his cock! There's one shot I really love, where I'm on all fours looking lewdly at the camera while the guy is spraying his sperm on my lower back, and only his hand clutching his dripping cock can be seen. But I recall not only who he was but also what else he did: right after that, he leaned over and slurped up his own cum off my back! That was pretty nasty. But then again, at least it was his jizz and not some other guy's! (Although, as I later found out, he likes to swing both ways.)

  On the live internet show that I co-host every week (Smell My Finger, on Rude TV), I recently played an entire scene from one of my movies, MILF-O-Maniacs 2, directed by Mark Stone for Wicked Pictures, shot in November 2007, and I gave the audience an impromptu running commentary, as if I was doing a voice-over commentary for a DVD 'Bonus Features' section. The scene featured me and Alex Sanders, and just watching myself hold a certain position immediately brought back what it was like when I was there. I could recall the pain in my legs when Alex was fucking me doggie-style as I kept one leg up on a narrow table that was more like just a ledge. And when we did reverse-cowgirl, with me standing over Alex but facing the camera, so you could clearly see Alex's cock sliding in and out of my vagina from a low angle, I spontaneously said, 'Now, that's really good for cardio and it's a great leg workout too!' (Girls, are you paying attention? That's what you can do the next time you're too lazy to hit the gym!)

  I also recall doing one of my favourite films, Hysteria, and how I wanted to kill the director, Darren Kaye, for making me masturbate throughout every scene in that movie. I was so raw after half a day of shooting, and I had to do it for two whole days. Masturbating was his fetish, though, and we became good friends from that movie and I forgave him. But I vowed never to do that again. I do love to masturbate, but not to that extent – I mean, that was over eight hours per day, which was ridiculous. I love to do it in private, and during sex, and on those live webcams – I like to watch guys jerk off while I masturbate. If they've got their webcam trained on their face, I ask them to move it down to their cock. I especially love it in real life: if they can't make me cum, then I make them watch while I make myself cum.

  When it comes to moving beyond the details and sizing up the big picture, I'm a different story. The graphologist said that I tend to suffer from sudden bouts of anxiety and I can be aggressive when I'm put in charge of people – she says I shouldn't ever try to run a company because I get too stressed out and I agonise too much whenever I make a mistake. She added that despite what I do for a living, I am actually a very private person, which I think is true. I have a very strong sense of my own privacy.

  She also said that I kind of 'swing between needing people and not needing people, and also between needing to please people and not needing to please people'. That's not atypical of many of us who work in entertainment. I am oft en very conflicted about my social relationships and I find myself second-guessing whether certain people can be trusted. Los Angeles is a city where you have to learn very quickly who you can trust or else you'll waste precious time dealing with the wrong people. As one famous movie producer, Lynda Obst, once said about working in Hollywood, 'Nobody has friends, we all only have alliances.' This is almost impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't lived and worked in LA, a city that's actually much less laid-back than its legend claims.

  I think, ultimately, it's that peculiar trait of my personality that makes me realise I'm not meant to stay in this business much longer. The thought of leaving porn crosses my mind every now and then. I do sometimes think, though, that since I do take
care of myself and my body, and everyone keeps telling me that I look better than I've ever looked, it means I still have a few more good years left . And, if the MILF craze continues, I'll have plenty of years of work left .

  In the past few years, any girl who's 25 or older qualifies as a bona fide MILF, and you can film her acting like she's a hot, sexy mother who'll want to fuck anyone behind her husband's back. (There's an even sillier subgenre called GILF – yes, grannies – which I think is just ridiculous.)

  But every girl in this business has a shelf life and the parts definitely get fewer and further between once you've hit your 30s. Because of the constant influx of new girls, the agents and managers and producers want fresh faces and younger girls all the time. That's partly why my music is starting to become more and more important to me. I've been writing a lot of songs over the past two years, with the aim of releasing my first album some time in 2010. That's my immediate goal, anyway, even though some people think I'm crazy.

  Admittedly, this isn't the first time I've set my mind to becoming a rock star – far from it. Back in 2004, I did an interview with Rock Confidential Online. The headline of the story read, 'Monica Mayhem: Hot Pornstar on her Way to Being Hot Rockstar'. That was after they'd heard my demo song 'Take This Away', which I had written with a friend (who shall go unnamed here), who had previously written for the band Korn.