Absolute Mayhem

by Monica Mayhem

  It was a very hardcore song, and my friend even screamed during the chorus to give it that extra edge. We wrote a lot of great songs together, but all unfinished – because, as usual, he wanted more than just to make music with me. All I wanted was to work together, and we could have gone so far with the music we had created, but he wouldn't even let me keep any of the ideas. I tried working with other musicians after that, but the music just never came out the way I wanted it to.

  I spent a lot of money recording songs, paying musicians to play and having the songs mastered. But I didn't like any of them. I also had many meetings with managers and people in the music industry, all of which (yes, as usual) were talking to me because they were trying to fuck me. Or, worse, were telling me that I had to sleep with the chief executives of certain record labels in order for me to get a deal – which, obviously, I did not do. I didn't believe for a minute that they would give me a deal just like that.

  It wasn't until 2006 that I finally found that successful writing chemistry again. This time, it was with a great guitarist, Cordell Crockett, formerly with the band Ugly Kid Joe. I met Cordell through a woman I'll call Jane, a friend of my tattoo-artist friend Maxx. Jane was a drummer and introduced me to Cordell because she thought we might be able to write some music together. And she was right.

  We got right to it and wrote some awesome songs. I then met a producer who was dating one of my flat mates at the time, and I played him some of our demo songs. He said, 'You'vet got potential here. If you can put together an all-girl metal band, I'all set up a showcase for the labels.'

  And that's exactly what I did. First, there was Jane, who was such a great drummer. However, she sometimes got distracted – by doing lines of coke in the middle of a song during practice! (Admittedly, I was similarly distracted too, at times.) Then, Jane introduced me to another girl, who was a bass player and who was, to put it mildly, a wee bit crazy. (I won't name her here.) This girl was all over the place; she would jump from one thing to another and never finished a whole song during practice. We also had Cordell's friend Deralyn, who became our guitarist. She was technically great on the guitar, but jamming (in order to come up with song ideas, which is how I prefer to work) really wasn't her thing.

  And the drama began. Most of our practices consisted of drinking beer and doing blow. (For me and Jane, anyway.) However, our crazy bassist was shooting up speed, and after I found out I told Jane she needed to tell her that I didn't want to be associated with someone who did that. Because, to me, that was crossing the line. That girl was just a loose cannon ready to explode. When Jane told her, she lost it. She said she was going to come after me and shoot me in the head! (See? That's why I didn't want to mention her name!)

  To cut a long story short, there were all sorts of dramas with this all-girl band, including changes of personnel that were just as unsuccessful and dramatic as the previous line-ups had been, and the whole thing eventually fell apart.

  Fortunately, throughout all this Cordell and I never stopped writing together. I got invited to play a gig in Las Vegas in 2007, so Cordell brought in his friend Harley to play drums. He was a really awesome drummer. Cordell would play the riff and Harley would get the drum parts right away. We couldn't find a bass player in time for the gig, but we did it anyway by splitting the signal on stage so that the guitar would also produce the bass line. (It was very complicated, and I really don't know how they did that!) We went by the name of Sweet Avenge and did an awesome show in front of a bunch of bikers, who even cheered on my love song 'Never Again'.

  I then played our demo songs to an exec at Roadrunner Records, the label behind heavy-music bands like Dream Theater, Megadeth and Slipknot, and he said that we needed live drums (true, because they were computerised) and more lead guitar. I honestly didn't think we were hardcore enough for that label, but the music exec said to come back when I had the songs recorded in a studio, and this got me feeling all pumped up.

  However, this band was also doomed. Perhaps we were not meant to be. It started with Cordell and Harley getting into a big fight one night. From that juncture, Cordell and I continued to work together, but Harley was out.

  We managed to find two new musicians just in time for another Sweet Avenge gig, at the FOXE Awards in 2008. There was Sara, a great make-up artist whom I'd worked with on Playboy TV and who turned out to be a great bass player too, and her boyfriend, Charles, who was an amazing drummer. By then, Cordell and I had written and recorded eight songs together – all, in my own estimation, great songs – but we were only able to do three songs at the gig, as we really didn't have enough time to get the band together to practise doing any more than that because of all our clashing schedules.

  I also landed us a gig performing in a music video for my 2008 movie Rockstar Pornstar. This was a porn film written just for me, as everyone in this business calls me the Rockstar Pornstar! It was basically a mockumentary about my 'amazing' double life, including interviews with the band, me fucking groupies, groupies fucking each other, and, of course, the music video.

  The only thing was, Cordell didn't have ID, and you have to show valid ID in California to appear in a porn flick, regardless of whether or not you are performing music or sex or just playing a janitor. In the end, we had to use Charles's friend Cyrus in the video. Cordell was not happy about this, of course, but there was nothing I could do about it.

  Cordell was having some personal problems around this time, which weren't getting resolved. And my band members wanted nothing to do with him, so again I'd lost all of my musicians – eventually including Cordell himself. He went away to Hawaii for a while and came back with a new outlook on life. However, he is now involved with another female musician and is currently working on a project with her.

  This leaves me with all these unfinished songs and a ton of melodies I've written that are just waiting for a musician of his calibre to come and put music to. If I could do it on my own, I would, but I'm not good enough on guitar – not good enough, I would say, to write music on my own at the level that I aspire to.

  So here I am once again, trying to find that next musician to share that great writing chemistry with. Cordell has assured me that he still wants us to work together, but he just needs to sort a few things out first. I can't wait forever, so I'm on the hunt right now for new musicians to work with. Maybe, I'm now thinking, I'll save myself a lot of headaches and just hire musicians.

  The music business, everyone tells me, is even more twisted than the porn business. Yes, I know, it's full of conniving tricksters and sleazy scumbags. Dyanna Lauren, who was a singer before she became a porn star, once explained her career change this way: 'I decided that if I was going to get screwed, I would at least get paid for it.' But I'm going to give it my best shot.

  I've already had meetings where I know that these guys know I'm a porn star trying to get a record deal, so at first they're all thinking, 'Oh, whatever.' Then they actually hear my music and my voice and they're shocked. It's kind of a nice surprise for them, and I'm treated way more respectfully after that. You can't bag on someone if they actually have talent.

  There have been porn girls in the past who have tried to break into the music industry but probably didn't have talent, so I naturally get stereotyped. And then there have been those who had talent and didn't make it anyway. Heather Hunter scored a deal with Island Records when she was a Vivid Girl but her album bombed. Lorraine Lewis, who was a stripper, had a great band called Femme Fatale and managed to release one album on MCA Records, and that stiffed too. Traci Lords made a great album, 1000 Fires, but it just didn't work beyond the electronic-dance/trance niche market.

  I wonder if I'm going to be one of those casualties in today's music wars. Usually, I try not to tell people I'm a porn star, just to see how they react to my music first. I do come from the country that produced Chrissy Amphlett, after all, so I hope there will always be a place for sexy Aussie sirens who can rock.

  If nothing else, as a sing
er I'll be able to become the object of men's fantasies in a different context. I have no problem with that at all. The radical feminists will hate me for saying this, of course, but I think it's a huge compliment to a woman if you think of her as attractive enough to be fuckable. That's one of the key reasons why I became a porn star in the first place. It was such a relief for me, to be allowed to express this in an open way rather than by stealth and subterfuge – which is what you do when you work in financial markets and are forced to be a secret slut in a corporate uniform. I did that for six long years.

  Of course, becoming a porn star has brought its own share of problems unique to the profession, but that applies to any line of work. I can say, with a clear conscience, that I don't regret one bit what I chose to do after I left Salomon Smith Barney in London, and not a lot of people could say the same about their career path.

  Meantime, I'm going to keep on celebrating and enjoying my own sexuality. That's kind of a weird thing to say at this particular time, when the industry is in a serious recession. A lot of girls have given up and are trying to get normal jobs. A girl who's actively working in the industry right now will be doing maybe three scenes per month, while a lot of girls aren't even getting one scene a month and have to supplement their income with escort work.

  And so, I have also found myself auditioning for mainstream movies, with mixed results. In late 2007, I made a fantastic breakthrough when I was cast in a small role in a mainstream movie. And not just any mainstream movie: this was Sex and the City. When I auditioned for it, the casting directors took a Polaroid of me, along with several other blonde girls, and then they came back and told me and a couple of other girls to wait. They called me in first, and said, 'You were the director's favourite, but can you just show us that you can fake having sex?'

  I said, 'How? Where? Right here on this chair, by myself?'

  One of the casting directors replied, 'Yeah, or whatever you're more comfortable with.'

  So I just rode the chair. I rode it like I was having sex, reverse-cowgirl style. Bucked my hips, rocked my thighs, and just let it rip.

  When I finished, they asked if I was available on the days they wanted, and once they'd called Harry Weiss to confirm, that was that. My first-ever part in a mainstream Hollywood movie, and it was so much easier than I'd imagined! It was a small part, but all I had to do was be myself, both in terms of getting the role and then doing the real work. (Whose idea was that to hire a real porn star to play 'Dante's Lover', which was how I was finally credited? Not that I'm complaining.)

  When I arrived on the set, all I could see were about 20 trailers. Kind of confused about where to go, I asked a crew guy, 'This is Sex and the City, right?' I told him I was shooting and he directed me to the production manager, who took me to my own trailer. It was small, with a bed, table and bathroom, but it had my name on the front so I felt a little special. I had a nice big meal and then sat around waiting to be called for my scene. I sipped hot chamomile tea, as it was freezing. Then I was called into hair and make-up, where I met Jason Lewis, who played Smith, Samantha's on-screen boyfriend, and my co-star Gilles Marini, who played Dante, Sam and Smith's neighbour in Malibu. Gilles was a smokin' hot French guy, and though I was supposed to be acting I wanted to fuck him for real!

  My hair looked fabulous, but they asked for natural make-up, which is one thing I hate about mainstream shows. I don't feel sexy at all having almost no make-up on, so I sneaked a little more on, since I had brought my own with me. I didn't add too much, though, because I knew they'd get pissed. Then I had to fill in my paperwork and – damn! – that was when I realised I was going to earn three times more than I would for a real sex scene, and all I had to do was a simulated sex scene! God, I love the Screen Actors Guild (SAG). I wish we had the same kind of union in porn. We don't get paid nearly enough money for risking our health and our lives.

  I didn't get my wish to fuck Gilles, of course, though I will reveal here that he wasn't wearing a sock, meaning both of us were totally naked. As a mainstream actor, his name wasn't yet known to many people, but after Sex and the City came out he called me to say he was getting lots of offers for various things, and I was so happy for him.

  Our scene happens about half an hour into the movie, when Samantha, played by Kim Cattrall, is in the jacuzzi and suddenly realises from hearing my moaning and groaning that she has a hot new neighbour – meaning Gilles, not me. (I was playing second fiddle to her second fiddle, so to speak.) It was a funny scene to do because they asked me to moan loudly, over and over again. The idea was to show that I could be heard next door, over the ocean and the double-glazed windows, which in reality would've been impossible. But I think it made it that much funnier, since all you hear is me moaning really loud and then Samantha turning around because she heard me. (I wonder if I turned her on, too. I guess I'll never know.)

  In December 2008, I was offered another role in a mainstream show, and this time it was the lead! It was in a HBO film for cable TV, and it was on the condition that I use my real name. While I was debating whether or not to take the plunge and do that, I found out that they couldn't change the shoot dates and I was left with a scheduling conflict – I had to fl y out to Tampa Bay in Florida for three days of dance gigs that same week. The HBO people said they couldn't work around my dates, so I lost the part.

  At the time, the choice wasn't all that difficult, given the challenging economic climate. Florida was the sure thing, cash in the bank, whereas the movie was a maybe. Then, I was offered another dance gig, in Puerto Rico, and yet another lead role in a mainstream movie came my way. I had to ask myself, 'Should I take the dance gigs with the big money or the cable-TV roles with not as much money but which might help extend my mainstream acting career?'

  There was surely no better time for me to rethink my longevity in the adult industry, and I began to reach the conclusion that it was time for a change. They say that change is a good thing if it's the right change, don't they? And if it's the wrong change, well, you're screwed. And I think I'm going to discover which one I'm headed for real soon.

  Chapter Twelve

  I STILL CALL

  AUSTRALIA HOME

  It's been over nine years since I left Australia, but every now and then something will give me a huge pang of homesickness. Recently, I was listening to Soundscapes, the relaxation music station on cable, when suddenly I was in a trance to this awesome Aboriginal music. It made me miss home immensely, where it is so spiritual and beautiful. I missed watching the lightning and thunderstorms in the middle of a hot summer.

  You don't realise how great a country Australia is until you leave and see how the rest of the world lives. Especially America. As grateful as I am to be here living the dream in Hollywood, this country does things quite differently, in many ways. Maybe I'm just very patriotic, I don't know, but I still call Australia home. (Poor Peter Allen must be rolling in his grave; I'm sure he never thought he'd ever hear a porn chick say those words – though I suspect that, like most gay men, he surely loved porn stars!)

  I'm certainly nostalgic and want to go back, for sure. Of course, I could never have made a career out of porn back home, so it has been a good stay for me, out here in Southern California.

  My remaining immediate family still lives in Aus tralia. I'm now quite close to my dad and his wife. They visited me in LA last Christmas and, the year before that, I went to Sydney and spent the holidays with them. They are such good people and they know I love them, even though I know they've been put through quite a lot because of me. For a long time, they never knew what I really did.

  When I wrote to my father and told him I was a porn star, to say that he was freaked out would be an understatement. He sent me a screaming reply in red letters. Then he didn't talk to me for four months. I finally responded by telling him, 'It's my life. I'm not hurting anyone and I'm not pregnant or anything,' or words to that effect. This seemed to eventually sink in and he started talking to me again.

&
nbsp; As far as anyone else back home knowing about me, my brother always told anyone who asked that I was living in Los Angeles and I was an actress and a model. My brother is pretty cool with my career – he even came to the AVN Awards in Las Vegas in 2007 and hung out when I was doing my promotional appearances and made funny faces at me when I was signing autographs at the booth. My brother and I have been through a lot. Despite all the bad things he and I experienced while we were growing up, and as much as we both used to fight one another, he would always make me laugh. He still does, to this day. He is just hilarious. So I guess our mother didn't ruin our sense of humour.

  Maybe being a smartass was his way of dealing with things, always making a joke out of everything. We used to laugh at our mother whenever she was obviously drunk and we'd say things like, 'Mum's bumping into things again!' She would get so wasted that we'd hear her crashing into the walls in the middle of the night. We still joke about that. At least I have one person in the family who's comfortable with my job, which is more than some porn stars have – a lot of them have fallen out completely with their families because of what they do and aren't on speaking terms any more.

  But my career is here now, and when I move more into mainstream movies and music, LA will definitely be the right place to be. After Sex and the City, I'm hoping to get into mainstream a little more. I realise that I'll be typecast, but that doesn't bother me. I love acting, and with my SAG card it will be much easier, since the money is fantastic, and it's totally worthwhile being on-set for up to 12 hours a day.

  These days I put loads of time and effort into my website, which allows me to work from home more. For a few years, I was signed up with some webmasters who didn't do a good job – not doing enough to generate income from the site and keep my members happy – but after I got out of that contract and went with a different crew things got a lot better. Although, the deal was that my old webmasters would give back the domain name monicamayhemxxx.com and, in return, we'd send them traffic. But, of course, they kept the old site up, still claiming it to be my official site. I've been doing everything I can to put the word out that monicamayhem.com is my real official site. So far, things are going well with the new webmasters; the site is definitely a hundred times better and more personal and interactive with the fans. As for the live chats, I do that for my website members once a month through my own site, and Imlive.com every once in a while, despite the fact that their celebrities only earn 35 per cent. (Seriously, I can be masturbating and talking for two hours, and they get 65 per cent!)