Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1)

by Jake Taylor

  Isabella closed her eyes, leaning into the hand. “You really believe that?”

  The monk smiled at the action, tracing her fingers down the other woman’s cheek. “Completely.”

  The knight moved over, leaning in to hug her tightly. “Thank you,” she said quietly.

  Haruka returned the embrace with another smile. “Just honest.”

  Isabella felt good, where she was. She spoke of the worst things she’d done and Haruka just absolved her of them; they didn’t matter to her. Here she was holding her, and Isabella felt… a lot of things she’d thought she’d never feel. Safe was the most obvious one, along with a sense of belonging, but there was something more… beyond friendship, just like there’d been in the doctor’s home. Bella’s feelings for Haruka were growing stronger, she knew, and it only made her wonder if Haruka felt the same way. She sighed, her chin resting on the monk’s shoulder. This moment, this position, didn’t feel awkward at all, and neither of them was in a hurry to leave it.

  But Isabella knew she couldn’t ask about Haruka’s feelings. If Haru was starting to feel for her as more than a friend… she’d have to leave, and she didn’t want that. Better to live in ignorance for the moment, and hope that it was just one-sided. She had almost told Haruka how she felt, at Vivian’s home; it was for the best that she’d been interrupted. She pulled back, smiling softly at Haruka. “You really are special. How did I get so lucky to get you all to myself? Surely there are people missing you right now.”

  Haruka chuckled, resting her arms on her knees. “Not really. Wasn’t popular. No close friends.”

  “Really?” Isabella tilted her head curiously. “Was there a reason for that?”

  She shrugged. “Didn’t care. I’ve never been… open. Polite, not friendly.”

  “That’s a little hard to believe. You were incredibly nice and friendly when we met.”

  Haruka smiled, glancing sideways at her. “You’re different. That night was… odd.”

  “Odd in a good way?” she asked hopefully.

  “Of course.” Haruka looked into the water. “Life’s strange now… It’s exciting.”

  Isabella smiled fondly. “You’re pretty strange yourself, Ruki, but I like it.”

  IXH

  Something was definitely odd about Isabella, Haruka thought. It was probably meant to be hidden, but the looks she was giving her when she thought she wasn’t looking were… strange. Distant. It was as if she was having thoughts she refused to voice, but the monk didn’t think pressing her on it would get her any answers. The woman could be a frustrating enigma; Haruka had no idea how many secrets she could be hiding.

  It was late in the day and daylight had faded about an hour ago, but they continued walking. The forest, so calm and relaxing earlier that day, took on a vaguely threatening feel now that night had fallen. Strange animal sounds could be heard every few minutes from different directions. Isabella didn’t seem nervous or bothered, though, and Haruka wasn’t either. She was certain that any animal they would encounter would prove no real threat, or at least that was what she hoped. Eventually they would have to sleep, though, and they could be caught by surprise. Already Isabella was lagging a bit, and Haru noticed every time she stumbled even though she caught herself.

  Whatever Isabella’s condition was, it was definitely slowing their pace considerably and it wasn’t able to hold up to hard travel. They had moved at a very slow pace throughout the day, a casual walk more than anything, and it would be impossible to outdistance any pursuit that way. But what could they do? Haruka couldn’t carry her any great distance. She could use that strange transformation ability, but she’d said that made her condition worse, so that was out of the question. In the end their only option was to hope they simply wouldn’t be found.

  After another hour they had to stop and set up camp. Isabella wore an apologetic expression; she’d had the same thoughts Haruka had, and she knew she was their problem. Haruka simply gave her a reassuring smile; they were in this together and every weakness was shared. As Isabella went to sleep Haruka stayed awake, crossing her legs and entering a meditative state. Her chakra – basically a form of Life Energy – flowed through her body and rejuvenated her, enhancing her senses. She was aware of everything in this state; she could easily go a month or longer without any real sleep, so she would do this every night until they reached the port town. She could also go a fairly long time without food or water, but both she and Isabella were experienced at foraging and hunting, and they still followed the river, so that wouldn’t be necessary.

  Haruka would sit within the tent, watching and listening, until Isabella woke shortly before dawn. They would then set out once more, walking until as late in the night as they (she) could make it, and then they would make camp again. So it went until they exited the forest several days later, an hour or so prior to sunset. They stopped atop a hill and looked out over the eastern coast; Daubin could be seen to the southeast, but the more interesting thing to Isabella was the ocean stretching out into the horizon. “I’ve never seen the ocean before,” she said in quiet awe, staring over the water as it reflected the setting sun behind them.

  “Areya’s landlocked?” Haruka folded her arms, looking from the ocean to Bella. “Think it’s pretty?”

  “Who wouldn’t?” Isabella said with a smile at her, her look making Haruka wonder if she’d meant it just for the ocean or for her as well. “We should get down there, I suppose… Hopefully there’s a ship ready to sail tomorrow.”

  “Probably,” Haruka said with a nod. “Lots of travel. Caravans, mostly.”

  “That’s good. I have the money to book us passage.”

  “Enough?”

  “It’s plenty. Most of it was given as gifts, actually,” she said with a smile. “People can be generous sometimes when you help them.”

  “Paid for kindness?” Haruka asked. “Sounds right.”

  “What sounds right?” Isabella tilted her head curiously.

  “You, helping people.” Haruka looked at her. “Not surprised.”

  “Well, I try. I have a lot to make up for,” she said softly, beginning to walk down the hill. Haruka didn’t respond; it was a true statement and denying it wouldn’t help. They made it to the town at sunset, walking between its low wooden buildings. Nothing was built too high but it was all solid.

  “Resist storms,” Haruka explained as she motioned to the buildings. “Wind, waves.”

  “Oh, I see. That’s pretty smart.” Isabella looked at her. “What about flooding? Surely having the buildings so low is bad for that.”

  Haruka pointed at the ground. “Tunnel system,” she stated. “Diverts, captures ext-“she was cut off as she coughed, grimacing and rubbing her throat. “Extra water.”

  Isabella frowned. “I’m sorry; I’m making you speak a lot, aren’t I?” Haruka shrugged and Bella smiled at her. “I’m being selfish. You’re just so fun to talk to it’s hard to stop!”

  The monk gave her a grateful smile as she led her through the town. They reached a long, wide building and Haruka opened the door for Bella, who still found her polite actions adorable, a sentiment she made clear with a quiet “such a gentleman,” eliciting another blush from the brunette. Inside she learned the building was a tavern, at least somewhat; it seemed more like a meeting place. In several spots of the room tables were pulled together and groups of people (mostly men, a few women) sat and talked together. Isabella assumed the two large groups she could see were each a crew of one of the two ships she’d seen moored at the docks on the far side of the town.

  Numerous eyes went to the armored woman and her companion with the half-mask, an unknown pair in this port. Isabella seemed unconcerned as she strode forward, figuring there was no difference between the two crews. She stopped before the nearest table, smiling in a much friendlier manner than the sailors did, an action that amused Haruka. “Hello there! Are you perhaps shipping out soon? We’re looking for passage south. Just us two, no cargo.”
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  One of the men nearest her looked nervously at the other table, then shook his head at her, turning back to his table. “Sorry, we don’t take passengers,” he said with an odd tone.

  “If anyone’s takin’ a passenger it’ll be us,” said a voice from the other table. Isabella and Haruka both turned as a man with a trimmed black beard stood up. His clothing, and that of his crew, looked more like he’d chosen his favorite piece from nine different people’s wardrobes. It was mismatched and looked thrown on like he wore all the pieces he was proudest of; a brown tricorn hat, a loose red shirt, dark blue trousers, a green belt, a black sash, plus a saber and some type of weapon Isabella didn’t recognize. He seemed dirtier than even an unwashed vagrant should be.

  Though he was fairly tall, Isabella still managed to seem to look down on him with a tight-lipped frown. “Are you the captain of your ship?”

  “Captain Tyne, at your service,” he said with a leer, removing his hat and performing a mockery of a bow.

  Isabella placed a hand on her hip, tilting her head to the side. “You’re our option, huh?” she said as her eyes ran over him.

  “If you want t’ leave in th’ mornin’ instead o’ waitin’ around for a week or two, we’re it,” he replied with a grin. His eyes examined the two women in a way that made them entirely uncomfortable, especially considering his crew was doing the same. “We’d be glad t’ ferry two fine women such as yerselves.”

  I’m sure, Haruka thought as she forced herself not to roll her eyes. Isabella seemed not to even notice, however; she just smiled as she had before. “That’s perfect! How much will it be for the two of us?”

  Tyne made a show of rubbing his beard in thought. “Well, that’ll depend on how far you’re wantin’ t’go, but I’m sure we can discuss payment once we’re at yer destination.”

  “That’s very generous of you. When should we meet you?”

  “At dawn, ‘ead t’the ship with th’ red flag. We’ll be waitin’.”

  “Great! See you then; we’re going to see if we can get a room here for the night.”

  “G’night t’you lasses, hope th’ night treats y’well.”

  Isabella smiled. “Oh, I’m sure it will.” She started walking away and Haruka caught up to her, looking back over her shoulder at the men with a frown.

  “Believe him?” she asked quietly.

  “What, that he can take us where we’re wanting to go? Of course I do.”

  “Meet him?” Haruka continued.

  “Obviously. How else are we going to get on the ship?”

  “Trust him?”

  “Oh, certainly not. The plan is either to sell us as slaves, keep us for use themselves, or in the best case scenario, simply use us once, then kill us and keep our valuables.”

  Haruka laughed. “Just checking.”

  Isabella grinned at her. “Let’s just hope he’s smart enough not to do that. Brigands are usually cowards when faced with a real fight, so if they try something, all we need to do is show we’re more trouble than we’re worth, and then we’ll get a free ride the rest of the way.”

  “Risky.”

  “Maybe. But that’s what makes it fun.”

  Haruka shook her head. “Unexpected… You, a daredevil.”

  “Life is more exciting when there’s a bit of danger. You can’t tell me you aren’t at least a little excited.”

  Haruka thought about it for a second before her a sly smile touched her face. “Maybe a little.”

  IXH

  An hour later the women were in a small room at the back of the tavern. It was quiet enough, if not the cleanest or fanciest place to sleep. Haruka lay on her back on the bed, hands behind her head as she stared at the ceiling with one leg over the other, foot tapping in the air to some unheard tune. She looked over at Isabella, who sat in one of the room’s two chairs at the small round wooden table. The blue-haired woman was cleaning the old, crude iron sword she wore on her hip beside the sheathed one. Cleaning it seemed pointless given its many cracks, chinks and dents, but she cleaned it as gently as if it was made of the purest silver.

  “Is there… meaning,” Haruka asked softly as she nodded to the sword, “behind that?”

  Isabella sighed, pausing in her polishing. “This sword is important, but not for the reason you might think.” She studied it for a long moment. “I don’t talk about this… I’ve never… talked about this.” She looked at Haruka. “You remember what I told you about my previous life?”

  “You don’t have to-“

  “Stop,” Isabella said, shaking her head. She sighed, rubbing a hand over her face. “If you tell me not to explain I’ll run from it like a coward again. Let me tell you, please…” She bit her lip. “Let me talk to someone about this.” Haruka went silent, nodding, and Bella smiled at her. “Thank you.” She lifted the sword, giving it an experimental swing. “A young girl tried to kill me with this. She couldn’t have been more than eight years old…” She sounded distant, her voice quiet enough that Haruka had to strain to hear it. “I was putting down her town for planning to rebel. You know, like you do with a misbehaving dog,” she said bitterly.

  Haruka remained quiet as Isabella looked at her with hard eyes. “She should have succeeded, really. I mean, if I’m being honest, I deserved it. I’d killed her parents, or her siblings, or whoever had been looking after her. I could tell…” She looked away. “I’ve seen that look in so many eyes… Tragedy, revenge, hatred… You know those stories, those fairy tales? The ones where a cruel tyrant destroys the hero’s family, and the hero goes on a lifelong quest for revenge, finally bringing down the antagonist to avenge their loved ones? I was that antagonist. Not in stories, but in real life. I created a lot of those heroes, but I always killed the ones that came after me. None of them managed to bring down the villain.”

  Isabella looked down at the iron sword. “Until that girl… I couldn’t kill her, like I had all the others. I lost it… Slaughtered the soldiers I’d brought, in order to save the rest of the people in the town that I hadn’t killed yet. All those emotions I’d shut out and ignored since my parents’ death shattered my wall and broke through. I saw myself…” Isabella was truly distant now, looking at something Haruka couldn’t imagine. “In a mirror… It was like I was seeing it for the first time… I was the villain. I was the monster, the antagonist; the dragon that kidnapped the princess, the advisor that betrayed the king, the nightmare children imagined beneath their beds at night.”

  “Felt guilt?” Haruka asked quietly. “Hate?”

  Isabella nodded. “Along with other emotions. I left and killed King Faust and just kept walking. This sword was still in my hand; I killed him with it.” She looked down at it. “I kept it as a symbol… That girl didn’t kill me with this sword, but she killed a part of me; a part that needed to die. And I want to remind myself every day what I was, what I was capable of forcing a young child to do.”

  Haruka shook her head. “Unhealthy; unfair.”

  “I don’t deserve to forget, Haruka,” Isabella said as she stood from the table, walking towards the bed. “I don’t want to, either. I need to remember… I owe them that much.” She knelt on the bed, smiling softly. “I know you like me, Ruki, but you’ve only met me as I am now. If you’d met me then you would have hated me; I was a different person. As much as I appreciate your friendship… As much as I love that you like me… You have to understand that I did terrible things. I was not a good person, Haruka. Even if I am now, I don’t deserve to forget that.”

  Haruka sat up, looking at her sadly as she brushed the back of her fingers against Bella’s cheek. “I understand. Don’t like it, but… understand. I forgive you… for all of it. Hope that, one day… you’ll forgive yourself.”

  Isabella caught her hand, holding it against her cheek as she closed her eyes. She didn’t believe that she deserved Haruka’s words, but she wasn’t going to ignore them, either. She ran her thumb over Haruka’s fingers, opening her eyes to look at her. “I
don’t deserve you, either. I don’t know why I suddenly became lucky and met you. Maybe God forgave me even if I didn’t.”

  Haruka lay back down and pulled her into a reassuring hug. “Stop being so sad,” she said softly. “That’s over. You were cruel… Then changed, felt terrible… before me. Now’s time to be happy.”

  Isabella curled her fingers in Haruka’s clothing, her head laying on Ruki's chest as she blinked moisture from her eyes. “There’s no problem there… Despite my best efforts, I keep feeling happy around you.”

  “You can resist,” Haruka stated with a sigh, “but I’ll win.”

  Bella couldn’t bring herself to pull away, and to her great joy the monk didn’t let go anyway. She remained quiet, letting her depression and self-loathing run through her. It took less time to pass than usual with the comforting arms around her, and after a few moments all she felt was content. She was even starting to believe she did deserve it; maybe this was her reward for accepting what she’d done and trying so hard to redeem herself. It was getting harder to hate herself with the way Haruka made her feel. Even guilt was beginning to feel more distant.

  Haruka slowly, gently moved her hand up and down Isabella’s back, calming and comforting her. She could feel the change in the woman in her breathing and her heartbeat. Isabella put on a great front of a carefree, happy young woman, she did; and Haruka believed that a lot of that was real, as well. But the levels of self-hatred, guilt and disgust below that surface seemed endless. It was a twisted mass of dark emotions, deep and complicated, built up over years of self-inflicted punishment. Still, that net was unraveling now. Haruka could see it; the beginnings of Isabella forgiving herself.

  It would probably be awhile before it really happened, but she planned to work for it. She truly believed Isabella deserved it. She felt like she had more purpose in her life now than she’d ever had. She was even starting to hate the last twenty years, wishing she’d instead met Bella back then. They’d met now, though; that would have to be enough. With luck they’d make it out of this mess they were in and be free to make up for that lost potential time. Haruka began thinking of ways to make that happen more quickly; dealing with the people after them was just wasted time that could be spent in other, better ways. She looked down, noticing that Bella was content now, even smiling. It astonished her that she had that effect on a woman so broken.