BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  After they yelled back and forth for a while, Daddy stormed out of the bedroom, and yelled, “And, I will not be back!” Then he walked out and slammed the front door harder than usual.

  In all their fights he never said he wouldn’t come back before, but he’d been gone for over a month. Mama seemed happy with him gone, and she didn’t cry anymore, and she even started to laugh, a lot!

  She’d been in the kitchen with my grandparents since dinner, whispering, so I knew they were talking about that fight and Daddy still being gone. I knew Granddad wanted Mama to leave Daddy for good, but she said, “I married him for better or for worse, and I won’t leave my daughter without a father.”

  After every fight, Granddad always asked Mama, “Just how much worse do you want it, Violet? He’s gonna kill you one of these days!”

  Then, Mama would say, “Dad, that’s absurd. Eli won’t kill me. I just make him angry when I rag on him for losing another job. He’ll calm down. He always does.”

  Every time I’d go into the kitchen, they’d stop whispering and just look at each other until I left. Sometimes I stood around the corner to listen, but the last time I went into the kitchen I didn’t. I already knew they wouldn’t say anything I hadn’t heard before.

  I wasn’t supposed to talk about them fighting, but I told Judy how scared I’d get when the yelling started and Daddy would hit Mama. I told all my secrets to Judy.

  Mama left once and Granddad said she went to stay with a friend for a few days to give Daddy time to cool down, but that wasn’t what she did. Daddy hurt her real bad that time. I heard Grandmother talking on the phone, and she said Mama was in the hospital.

  When Mama came home she had a black eye and a bandage on her wrist and another around her ribs. Daddy stayed gone over two months that time, and when he came home, he seemed mad at everyone. He always pushed me away, so I’d take Judy and hide on the back porch. I hoped no one could find us—except Granddad.

  Granddad always knew my hiding places, but he didn’t tell anyone because that was our little secret. My best hiding place had always been the back porch. It was far enough from all the noise, but still close enough to know when it was safe to go back inside. Judy and I always waited until the house got quiet before we’d sneak back in and go to bed.

  I was playing with Judy in the living room when the whispering stopped and Mama came to tell me to get ready for bed. They were laughing before she came in, but when I asked what was so funny, she just said Granddad told a joke and for me to go to sleep. She tucked me in, kissed me goodnight, and said she’d see me in the morning.

  When she went back to the kitchen the whispering started up again. It never had been a secret that Granddad wanted Mama to get a divorce, and Daddy knew Granddad didn’t like him, or want him around.

  Daddy had told me, “Someday Jack will be very, very sorry for the way he treats me.” Then he smiled real big, but he wouldn’t tell me how Granddad would be sorry.

  I heard Mama say she had an appointment after work, so she’d be home later than usual. Holding Judy close, I thought about how peaceful everything had been with Daddy gone and drifted off to sleep knowing Mama would be home in the morning, and we’d have pancakes…

  “Sarah, wake up,” he whispered, gently shaking me.

  His voice sounded strange; far away-like, and he hadn’t turned on the light, so at first I thought I must be dreaming. Daddy had shown up when Mama was leaving for work, and they had a big fight in the yard, but he left again without seeing me.

  Then, Daddy shook me very hard, and I knew it was real. Daddy had come home! “Sarah, wake up,” he whispered again.

  “What’s wrong, Daddy? Is Mama okay?” I rubbed my eyes, trying to see into the darkness.

  “Your Mama’s fine. Get up, and be real quiet. We’re going on a trip.”

  “WE ARE?”

  Placing his hand tightly over my mouth, he stood frozen for several minutes just listening, and hoping no one had heard me yell. “Quiet, Sarah!” he whispered. “We don’t want to wake the whole house.”

  He didn’t like Mama’s parents any more than they liked him, so I thought he just didn’t want to wake them and have Granddad mad at him.

  “Okay,” I whispered when he removed his hand. “Where are we going, Daddy?”

  My eyes had begun adjusting to the dimness, and I saw a strange look in his eyes I’d never seen before. Even though he said everything was okay, I knew something was wrong.

  “Are you sure Mama’s all right?” I asked again as he slowly, and ever so quietly, opened the closet door to get my clothes.

  “Yes, Sarah, she’s fine. We’re just going on a little trip for a few days. Just the two of us. Come on now, get up, but remember, you have to be quiet.”

  He helped me get dressed in the dark, but he wouldn’t let me put my shoes on. He told me, “You can put them on in the car, Sarah. Now hurry up.”

  Wrapping me in my blanket, he picked me up, and carried me out of the house, into the darkness of the early morning hours. A crisp wind had started blowing, and the night air felt colder than usual.

  I had no idea how much my life was about to change—forever.

  Daddy had been very loving with me for several weeks before he left that last time, but only when we were alone. When anyone else was around he’d push me away, and even when he was mad at Mama, he still treated me nice after she went to work.

  But that night, he seemed different. His touch felt rough, and he had a glare in his eyes like I’d seen on TV when an animal was caged, pacing back and forth, but couldn’t get out. Daddy had a look of trepidation, but still mysterious and cunning at the same time.

  Mama had said he’d always been a free spirit and she couldn’t tame him no matter how hard she tried. I never understood what she meant, but the way he was acting really scared me. I put my arms around his neck, and held on tight as he carried me down the narrow sidewalk, through the gate, and to the car he’d left running.

  I didn’t know Daddy was running away with me. Again.

  He tried after my birthday last year, but he got caught by the police just before he hit the outskirts of town. After that, everyone watched him very closely for months and months, especially Granddad, saying, “In case he tries it again, I’ll be ready for the SOB.”

  But this time Daddy had been more careful. No one suspected he’d try again so soon, and by the way he treated me when others were around—like he didn’t want me, and he definitely didn’t want to be tied down with a kid—no one had expected this.

  Of course, it had all been just part of his plan. No one knew what he’d been planning for months—no one—except for Daddy, himself.

  Clever? Yes. If Daddy was anything at all, he was clever.

  Opening the back door of the new car he’d bought a few months back, he put me inside, and quietly closed the door. After he got in the car, he looked back at me, then back at the house before closing his door as silently as possible.

  Daddy looked back one last time to make sure the house was still dark, then smiling to himself, he drove very slowly on the dirt and gravel road so not to throw the pebble-sized rocks. He felt the noise he’d made by driving away too fast a year ago was what had gotten him caught, and he wouldn’t make that same mistake again.

  Driving away, I felt something was wrong. Something was missing. We were halfway down the street when Daddy said, “Okay, Sarah, you can go to sleep now.”

  Then I knew what was missing! He’d picked me up so fast I didn’t have time to think. Judy was missing! I felt it the moment he’d put me into the car.

  “Oh no! Daddy, we got to go back!” I screamed. “Judy! Judy’s still on my bed! Please, Daddy! Please, go back!” My eyes and my heart pleaded with him.

  “We can’t go back, Sarah!” he yelled.

  Yelling at me was something he’d never done before. He yelled at Mama a lot, but with me, his voice was stern, but always soft. Even when he wanted my attention he’d never yelled
at me.

  “Lie down and go to sleep. I’ll get you another doll.”

  “Daddy, please! I don’t want another doll. I just want Judy. I love her, Daddy!” I cried.

  “Lie down, Sarah, and stop that goddamn crying! We can’t go back, so shut up about it!”

  The strange look in his eyes scared me even more than before, but Judy meant everything to me. I didn’t know how he could leave her. He knew how much I loved her. He knew I’d never gone anywhere without her since the day he gave her to me.

  Standing in the seat, I looked out the back window, crying, as he continued to slowly drive away, and thought, why did he yell at me like that? He knows Judy’s my very best friend in the whole world.

  Devastated without Judy, and with Daddy yelling and being so mean, I felt no one cared about me any longer. Mama? Mama cares. But, will I ever see her again? Granddad? Will I ever see him again? And Grandmother?

  I had to try again. Judy meant so much to me.

  “Daddy, please. I’ve had Judy as long as I can remember. I’ve never gone to sleep without her. Why won’t you go back?”

  “Sarah, I’m not gonna tell you again. If I have to pull over and stop this fuckin’ car, you will be sorry.” He glared back at me. “Now, shut up about that goddamn doll!”

  Somehow, deep inside I knew the trip would be for more than a few days, and Judy—and my home—everything I loved so much—were gone forever.

  He turned onto the highway, and for the first time in a long while, he took a deep breath. Smiling, he knew he’d gotten away without a hitch, and this time, no one would ever find him. He was sure of it, and he felt pleased with himself like never before.

  “Clever. Very, very clever,” he whispered.

  I cried for hours before finally falling asleep.

  Three

  1954 – Lubbock

  “Mother, where’s Sarah?” Violet asked, coming home from work.

  “I don’t know, Violet. I called her a couple of times, and her breakfast is getting cold. Isn’t she sleeping?”

  “No, Mother, she’s not in her bed.” Violet stared blindly as wrinkles formed on her forehead. “Maybe she’s in the backyard with Blackie. I’ll check there. You check the house, Mother.”

  Violet went to the porch and called, but only Blackie came running to the door. Tail wagging, he followed Violet to the old shed where her daughter sometimes played, but the shed sat empty.

  Returning to the house, Violet’s fears were building. “Mother, something’s happened. Did you see Eli after I went to work?”

  “No. As far as I know, he didn’t come back. You don’t think…”

  “Yes, Mother, I do think! He took my baby once and he’s done it again! That sonuvabitch came in and took her while you slept! Judy’s still on the bed, Mother. Sarah wouldn’t go anywhere without her. I have to call Henry. He’ll know what to do.”

  She started for the phone as Jack, returning from his walk down to the lake and back, came into the house. “Dad, Sarah’s missing! She isn’t in the house and she isn’t out back, or in the shed. Have you seen her this morning?” Violet’s voice, panicky; her body, shaking.

  “No. I called her when I got ready for my walk, but I thought she was just sleeping late after that ruckus last night. She got up and watched a movie with me after you went to work.” Jack scratched the top of his head. “I didn’t think there could be a problem. She has to be here somewhere, Violet.”

  “I looked everywhere, Dad! She’s not here! I’m calling Henry.” Then, almost in a whisper, she added, “Before it’s too late.”

  Violet went into her parent’s bedroom to call her brother while Jack looked for his granddaughter. He knew all her hiding places, but she couldn’t be found. Under his breath, he stated, “I’ll kill that SOB if he harms a hair on her head.”

  “Detective Frye.”

  “Henry, Sarah’s gone! We looked everywhere! She’s not here! What are we gonna do?” Violet trembled uncontrollably; her voice quivering.

  “Calm down, Violet. She has to be there…”

  “NO! She’s not here, Henry! I think Eli took her last night. I was leaving for work…he hadn’t been home for weeks. We had a big fight in front of the house. Henry, I’m so scared. I know he took my baby.”

  “That’s possible, Violet, but after last time when he got caught, I don’t think he’d try it again.” Henry hoped his voice sounded reassuring as his insides churned. “But,” he continued, “Just in case, I’ll call Captain Miller and get an APB out. Try not to worry. I’ll get back to you.”

  Eli had taken Sarah when she was two years old, but he hadn’t been as careful that time. Everyone watched him for months afterwards. If they’d only known when Eli decided he wasn’t under suspicion any longer, he’d started plotting how he’d get away with his daughter the next time—and not get caught—maybe they would’ve expected this. Everyone knew Eli was sly as a fox when needed, and this time would be no different.

  Henry thought back to the first time Eli abducted Sarah, and made a silent promise that when he had time he’d beat himself up for letting his guard down, but for now, he had to concentrate on finding Sarah, hopefully, safe and unharmed.

  Hours passed before Henry left the station and walked into his parent’s house, finding his mother and sister in the kitchen. “Violet, we put out a nationwide APB, and the FBI has been notified. We’ll find her.”

  “She left Judy,” Violet whispered. “Henry, she wouldn’t leave without her doll. She’s never gone anywhere without her.”

  “I know, Vi. Try not to worry. We’ll find her.”

  Henry had been thinking inside his own head, but he didn’t want to alarm his sister with the unknown, but likely, facts that Eli must’ve waited until everyone had gone to sleep, then slipped in and back out, taking Sarah during the early morning hours. Eli knew what he’d done wrong the first time, and he wouldn’t make those same mistakes twice. Eli had always been cunning and smart, in a dangerous way. He’d never trusted Eli as far as he could throw him…

  “Henry!” Violet yelled.

  “Sorry, Vi. I was thinking.”

  “Where would he take her?” she asked again.

  “I don’t know, Violet, but have faith. Okay?” Although dreadfully worried, Henry forced a smile. He tried to act like everything would be fine, but he knew Eli could have as much as a ten hour head start which would make it more difficult to catch him.

  Still, he promised Violet they wouldn’t give up the search until Sarah had been found and returned home—safe. “No matter how long it takes, Violet, I won’t give up.”

  Violet had called the station daily, asking if Henry had heard any news. After several months she’d started drinking heavily, stating, “Booze is the only thing that drowns my fears, and my sorrows.”

  Night after night Violet went out, sometimes not coming home at all which made her parents and her brother worry even more. Jack told her numerous times that drinking didn’t help, but she wouldn’t listen. He’d always said, even as a little girl, “Violet’s head-strong. No one can tell her what to do.”

  More time passed without any word. Each day, each week, Violet drank more and more until one day she realized she couldn’t stop. She didn’t want to stop. She’d become a full-blown alcoholic, consumed with grief, sick with alcohol, but she didn’t seem to care.

  “I’ve stopped living until my baby is home with me again,” Violet slurred one night after she’d stumbled into the house.

  Everyone was worried sick, but no one had the answers on how to help her.

  The FBI hadn’t received any legitimate responses to their broadcasts, and they suspected Eli had acquired another vehicle, somehow, and most likely, had changed their appearances. He might’ve dyed their hair, and they felt fairly certain Eli would at least cut Sarah’s long hair.

  When Henry heard that Barbara sold her house in Dallas and moved back home to help with Violet, he knew that move wouldn’t be good for the famil
y, but no one had asked his opinion. His sisters had never gotten along in the past, and with Violet out of control, and Barbara also no stranger to alcohol, Henry felt certain it wouldn’t be any different now.

  Still, he had to keep his thoughts clear and on the only important thing—finding Sarah.

  Four

  1954 – Somewhere on the Road

  I found it hard to believe that just a few days ago I’d been playing with Judy while Mama, Granddad and Grandmother were chatting and laughing in the kitchen. With Daddy still gone, everyone was cheerful. Peace, once again, had returned to the family.

  But now, Judy was gone, and Daddy kept yelling at me and wouldn’t tell me where we were going. I felt sad. I was hungry. Feelings stronger than I’d ever known before.

  He also didn’t bring any of my other clothes or my coat. Shivering, I tightly pulled my blanket around me, not knowing if I trembled more from the cold, or from fright of the unknown.

  I watched the back of Daddy’s head for a long time. Occasionally, I’d get a glimpse of his face, and quickly closed my eyes. If he looked back at me I wanted him to think I was still sleeping.

  We’d been on the road several days before I saw a smile cross his face. Seeing that, I started to feel a little bit better, but I wouldn’t ask about Judy anymore. She was gone. I had to accept that.

  I didn’t know how long I’d slept, or if I’d actually gone to sleep at all, but I wanted all this to be a bad nightmare; I’d wake up in my bed with Judy next to me, my grandparents sleeping in the other room, and Mama coming home to fix pancakes.

  But I knew it wasn’t a nightmare. It was very real and very frightening.

  Still, I had to know. I had to take a chance—no matter the consequences. Sitting up, I took a deep breath, and asked, “Daddy, does Mama know where we’re going?”

  “Don’t talk about her ever again, Sarah.” His voice was stern, but soft. “Your Mama doesn’t want us to live with her anymore.”

  “No, Daddy. She just wants you to get a job and…”

  Cutting his eyes back at me, they looked cold as steel. “Sarah, listen to me. She doesn’t love me, or you, anymore. I talked to her the night we left and she has another man in her life. She told me to leave, and to take you with me.”