BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival

by Sue Julsen

  “Just get out of the car, Sarah.” She expelled a deep sigh, and turned to her husband. “She just isn’t on this planet, Henry. I swear I don’t know what I’m gonna do with this child.”

  “Give her time, Olivia.” His voice sounded very tired. “Just give her time.”

  Auntie Bitch had already planted herself in the back seat of my uncle’s blue and white Ford Fairlane. She appeared ready to bite a hole in her shorts. I knew she was dying for a cigarette and a shot of bourbon.

  I got in and leaned against my door, as far away from the bitch as possible. Each time she gave me a sideways glance, I looked away. The entire day had been very tiring and I just wanted to be alone.

  My grandparents lived halfway down a dirt road in a country-like setting. It was still in the Lubbock city limits, but not by much. At the end of the road was the lake where Granddad and I had gone almost every day since I’d come home. For hours we’d sit on the pier looking at the water. Before Mama had started drinking again she’d come with us, sometimes.

  I miss those times with Mama.

  Uncle Henry pulled up and parked in front of the house. Cars were parked as far down the road as I could see. I figured old hefty Maggie would already be inside chomping down on cake, and I couldn’t help but giggle as an image of her shoving down a whole triple-decker in one bite came to mind.

  “Just what’s so funny, missy?”

  The Bitch! Speaking to me? Go to hell, you witch! “Nothing,” I replied coldly, then waited for her to mouth off again. She didn’t. She must’ve decided to let the issue drop, for now.

  My grandparents’ very large yard was surrounded by a white picket fence that needed a coat of paint. The entire left side of the yard looked so beautiful covered in a thick carpet of Bluebonnets. Granddad had said they were the state flower of Texas and they grew wild in his yard.

  On the right side, a cedar bench under a big tree had always been a special place for me. Granddad and I had sat on that bench for hours just letting time pass us by. From the very start I’d felt relaxed, even peaceful, being with him.

  The house, although old, felt comfortable. The small living room had an old brownish-gold colored couch, two brown chairs, and a small end table next to each chair. A lamp with yellow roses painted on the round globe base sat on the table next to grandmother’s chair.

  Granddad smoked a pipe, so he had a special rack with five pipes in individual holders and an ashtray on his table. He also kept a bag of tobacco and another pipe in his pocket so he could smoke whenever he wanted.

  To the right of the front door sat a console-type black and white TV with rabbit ears stretched toward the ceiling. Between the chairs, on the left, was a door into my grandparent’s bedroom.

  Straight ahead, a door led into the bedroom I shared with Mama. When I first came home, looking around the rooms and at the furniture, everything felt strange. I couldn’t remember ever living in the house, and wondered how my life could just not exist before Daddy took me away.

  “Sarah, get out of the doorway.”

  “Sorry, Aunt Olivia.” I stepped out of her way.

  I didn’t volunteer what I’d been thinking about, and luckily, she didn’t ask. Still, I saw that scrunched up smirk as she walked past me, shaking her head.

  The largest room in the house—the kitchen/dining room—was the room where most guests congregated to when they came for a visit, and where most of the people had headed the moment they walked into the house after the funeral.

  Of course, that was where all the food that had been brought in during the last few days was at!

  From the dining area, another door went into my grandparent’s bedroom, and in the middle of the dining room, another door led into the bedroom I shared with Mama. The bathroom had been built off the kitchen at the far end, which I thought a strange place for a bathroom!

  I’d tried so many times to remember living in the house years ago, but everything had remained a total, depressing blank. I stood in the doorway of the bedroom, and a frightening thought crossed my mind—what if they expected me to share Mama’s bedroom with the bitch?

  Well, they could expect all they wanted, but I wouldn’t do it! The Bitch could go straight to hell! They all could go straight to hell, but I would not stay in the same room with that damned old bitch who had killed my mother!

  “Sarah, are you all right? Your face is white as a sheet!”

  Startled that anyone was near me, I looked up into the face of my uncle, and smiled. “Yes, Uncle Jason. I’m just tired, I guess.”

  “You sure? Maybe you should lie down.”

  “No. I’m fine. Really.” I broadened my smile, hoping to reassure him. After nearly a minute, he smiled, gave me a pat on the back, and headed on into the kitchen.

  Whew! That was close!

  I knew I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt about the bitch or anything else. There’d be too damn many questions I couldn’t answer. I figured I’d better think about something else since the next person might not give up as easily as Uncle Jason.

  The door on the opposite side of the kitchen led to my favorite places—a screened-in porch and the backyard. On the porch, a small cot, a ringer-type washing machine, and some boxes of who-knew-what were in the corner. No one ever came out on the porch except to do laundry or to take a shortcut into the backyard.

  I didn’t remember it, but Granddad said I used to come to the porch with my doll when Mama and Daddy fought. I figured, without consciously knowing it, since the porch had been my safe place years ago, that had been why I fled to the same place when Mama and Auntie Bitch started fighting.

  I always felt safe on the porch, and sometimes I’d sleep on the cot, which Granddad said I’d also done years ago.

  Granddad always knew where I’d gone to hide, but he never told anyone. I assumed he was just glad I couldn’t see what went on inside the house. Still, I heard the yelling and the cussing, and saw Grandmother crying long after Granddad had Mama and Auntie Bitch separated until they had settled down or passed out.

  Mama usually passed out first.

  Then, peaceful silence had filled the house.

  The fighting had always scared me, but I was too little to stop them. And Granddad was too old to do much. Still, he’d try, but he’d get hit, and when he couldn’t get them to stop, Grandmother would call Uncle Henry.

  My other favorite place had been inside an old shed at the far corner of the backyard. When I first came home, Granddad had a black Chow-Chow, and at first Blackie wasn’t too friendly, so I didn’t get to play with him unless Granddad came outside with me.

  He said, “That dog’s temperamental, Sarah. He might bite ya ‘til he gets to know ya.” But after a while Blackie and I became friends, so I got to come out alone whenever I wanted. I’d sit in the shed talking to Blackie for hours; his head resting on my lap while getting his tummy rubs.

  Blackie became my best friend. My only friend. He died a week before Mama. Granddad said he just got old and tired and had gone to doggie heaven. After he died, I’d sit in the shed, alone.

  I missed him so much.

  People had gathered in every room of the house. Most had plates of food, and just as I’d thought, hefty Maggie was chowin’ down on a very large helping of chocolate cake.

  The kitchen table had been loaded with more food than I’d seen in my life! Earlier that morning someone had brought in a card table and loaded it with all kinds of desserts. That, of course, was where Maggie had planted herself, using a large dinner plate for her piece of cake!

  As usual, Grandmother sat at the kitchen table, crying, and Auntie Bitch sat next to her with a cup of coffee, smoking a cigarette. Between the two of them, they drank twelve pots of coffee a day, if not more.

  So much noise! Everyone was talking at once!

  “Maybe I can disappear; escape to the bathroom and hope no one looks for me,” I whispered. “Even a few minutes of peace and quiet would be wonderful.” I made a bee-line for the b
athroom, locking the door behind me. My head had been throbbing…

  “Sarah, are you in here?”

  “Damn it! I didn’t even have time to sit down,” I muttered under my breath. “I should’ve known Olivia would ruin my space. So much for a moment of tranquility!”

  Trying to hide the disgust in my voice, I answered, “Yes, I’m here.”

  “Well, get out of there and get something to eat! You haven’t eaten all day.”

  Since it sounded like an order, and not a request, I opened the door, and there stood Olivia with her alien mouth fully formed.

  Yikes! What a thing to walk out and see!

  Knowing I’d better be on my best behavior or I’d also see the black monster eyes, I thought, if she turned green and had an odd-shaped head she’d pass for an alien from outer space with ease.

  I smiled and went to the table with real food. I wasn’t much for sweets anyway, so I figured I’d leave the desserts for Maggie and her friends. I wasn’t hungry, but to keep Olivia off my case I got a small amount of meatloaf, mashed potatoes and pea salad. With no place to sit, I stood in the corner and ate.

  Several hours had passed before people started to leave. Of course, most of the food had been devoured. Typical—the food ran out and so did the people, leaving a big mess to be cleaned up by someone else.

  Aunt Julie had been washing dishes ever since we’d returned from the cemetery. I’d offered to help, but she just smiled and said it gave her something to do. I stood back in the corner and was watching her when Maggie waddled up to the counter.

  Good ol’ Maggie, the last of her friends to leave, rubbed her enormous tummy, stated she couldn’t eat another bite, put her plate on the counter, not offering to wash her dish, then shuffled out of the kitchen.

  But finally, tranquility had returned, and I thought, maybe now, I’d find out who all the relatives were. Especially John! But, I hadn’t seen him since we’d gotten back from the cemetery. “He must be here! Maybe he’s outside with Granddad.”

  Leaving the kitchen, I started my search.

  So many people had been in and out during the last few days. Most brought food, but some came empty handed. I assumed those just came to eat. Still, an army couldn’t have eaten all the food left over. Everyone kept telling me to eat, but I didn’t feel hungry and wished they’d just leave me alone!

  At every chance, I went out and sat in the old shed where I used to sit with Blackie. I loved that dog so much, and he loved me, too. I didn’t get to say goodbye before he died.

  Everyone I loved had left…Bobbi…I hadn’t thought about Bobbi in ages. I really loved her, and she didn’t leave me, but I still didn’t get to say goodbye. I’d give anything if I could live with her again, but Daddy never told me where she lived.

  “Bobbi, wherever you are, I love you and I miss you so much. I wish you were here. Mama didn’t die in that fire like Daddy said…but she’s dead now. I’m all alone, Bobbi….” Hearing voices in the yard, I quickly moved into the shadows of the shed, out of sight.

  “Dad, I had to lie. How could I tell Sarah her mother jumped over the banister?”

  “She’s gonna find out one of these days, son. Then what will you tell her?”

  “Damn!” I whispered. “I wish they’d come closer so I could hear!”

  “Olivia and I were talking about Sarah coming to live with us. You and Mother are too old to be raising a nine year old. We’ll adopt her, seal her birth certificate and other records, then she’ll never find out.”

  Finally! Now, I’ll be able to hear.

  “That’s up to you, Henry. I like having her around. She’s a good kid. If you and Olivia want Sarah to live with you for a while, I can’t stop you. Besides, it might be good until Barbara moves out.”

  “I think it’s best, Dad.”

  “She’s had a rough life, Henry. I believe she’s been abused. I don’t know if Eli did the abusing, but if I ever find out, I’ll kill the SOB who hurt that little girl.”

  “If you only knew, Granddad. If you only knew,” Ann softly murmured.

  “You’ll have to stand in line, Dad. If there’s anything left after I get done, you can have him.”

  They turned around and moved toward the house, out of hearing range. I remained in the shadows and thought about what I’d heard. Of course, Auntie Bitch leaving had to be the best news I’d heard in six months, but I didn’t want to stay with Olivia.

  “She’ll beat me. She believes I’m just like Daddy, but I’m not! He’s a thief and a con-artist. I took things because he made me do it! If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t get to eat. I never wanted to steal. I had to steal!”

  “Sarah! Where are you? Are you out here?”

  “Great! Why can’t she just leave me alone?”

  Not wanting her to know my hiding place, I waited until she turned her back, then I ran out of the shed and stood behind a tree for a second.

  “Yes, Aunt Olivia.” I came out of hiding where she could see me. “I’m right here.”

  “What are you doing behind that tree?” Her mouth started to curl.

  “Just sitting.”

  “Well, get in the house and get something to eat. I swear you don’t eat enough to keep a bird alive.”

  “I eat when I’m hungry.”

  “You’re skin and bones, Sarah, and I’m gonna fatten you up.”

  I didn’t want to get fat like her, but I decided right then wasn’t the time to argue about it. I followed her into the house without saying another word.

  “Get over there and fix yourself a plate, or I’ll do it for you.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” I got a little bit of food, then turned away from the table, but she stopped me.

  “Give me that plate!” She took it and piled it high! I started to say something about it being too much, but I saw the alien mouth, and kept quiet.

  “Olivia, we need you in the bedroom.”

  “I’ll be right there, Barbara.” She turned back to me, and said, “Sarah, I mean for you to eat this food. Do you hear me?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” She went into the bedroom, and someone closed the door behind her. I stared at the closed door for a few moments, then with a sigh I looked down at the heaping plate.

  Moving the bread she’d put on top, instantly, I felt sick! No way could I eat! Not after what Janet had done to me! I hated squash! Scraping the food into the trash, I ran into the bathroom and threw up.

  Sitting on the bathroom floor, I knew I had no other choice. I had to lie and say I ate it. What else could I do? She wouldn’t understand if I told her what had happened. And, if I told her that part she’d ask all kinds of questions.

  “Nope, I’ll just have to lie. But only if she asks.”

  Finally people began to depart. Uncle Henry and Olivia were the first of the relatives to leave since he had to go back to work. Auntie Bitch left next, saying she’d be staying with a friend for a day or two.

  I never found John, and decided to go to bed and try again in the morning. Closing the bedroom door, I looked at my little bed in the corner, then I looked at Mama’s big bed.

  I crawled into her bed.

  I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. Words kept running through my head. Words about Mama. Sitting up, I turned on the lamp to write down what had been going through my head all day long…all the words that wouldn’t allow me to sleep.

  When I’d finished writing, a single tear fell onto the page. I didn’t know her but a few short months, but I loved her. I’d never know, if given time, I might’ve remembered her. The chance for happiness had been ripped from me, again.

  “The Bitch! It’s all because of the Bitch!” I switched off the light and fell asleep.

  Nineteen

  1960 – Lubbock: Four Months Later

  Several more weeks passed and I didn’t hear from Uncle Henry. Granddad and I went to the lake almost every day, and other days we’d just sit under the tree for hours enjoying our time together while he whittled on a piece of wood
.

  One day Granddad told me he could look into my eyes and tell what I was thinking. “Oh, I don’t mean I can tell exactly what you’re thinking, Sarah. But, I do know when your thoughts are not here, and lately, you’ve been far, far away.”

  I waited for him to question me, but he didn’t, and after a time he continued.

  “Sarah, Henry and Olivia want you to live with them. Would you like to do that?”

  “I don’t know, Granddad. Don’t you want me to stay with you?” I didn’t want him to know I’d heard them talking after the funeral.

  “Of course, I want you to stay. I enjoy goin’ to the lake and sittin’ here under this old tree with you.” He stopped whittling and smiled. “But, your grandmother and I are getting up in years. We won’t always be around.”

  “Please don’t die, Granddad! Please don’t leave me!” My face etched in desperation as the words shot out of my mouth.

  “Sarah, honey, one of these days we will die. That’s part of growing old. Kinda like old Blackie. He just got old.”

  “But Mama wasn’t old, Granddad. Why did she die?”

  “I guess it was time for her to go live in Heaven.”

  “Do you really believe there’s a God, Granddad?”

  “Of course, Sarah. Why would you ask a question like that?”

  “Well…if there is, why did He take Mama away? Isn’t He supposed to love children?”

  “God loves all His children, Sarah. Young and old.”

  “It doesn’t make sense, Granddad. If He loved me, then why did He take Mama away and why did He let…?” Realizing what I was about to say, I stopped myself before I said too much.

  “Why did God let bad things happen to you?” He looked at me like he could see deep into my soul. “That’s what you were gonna ask, isn’t it?”

  “Yes.” I released a big sigh. “I was so alone, Granddad. I felt no one loved me or wanted me. Not even God.”

  “God loves you, Sarah. And he loved your Mama.” He began whittling again. “Your Mama was a good person, but she had the sickness. We tried to help, but by the time we realized how bad her disease had become it was too late.