I looked across the table to her. ‘Yes.’
Her eyes filled with tears. ‘Well, there you go then.’
‘Oh, Mum, please don’t cry! I haven’t even accepted it.’
‘But you have to if that’s what you want, Lexi.’ Her bright smile, although genuine, clearly took some effort.
‘Oh, Mum.’ I shoved my chair out and hurried past Cal whose body was now practically humming with tension. I scooched down beside my mum, wrapping my arms around her waist as I’d done when I was a child. Just as I still was to her. Her youngest. Her only daughter. Her baby.
‘Honestly, I’m fine! Don’t take any notice of me. I knew it was just a matter of time. But you did seem to be in two minds still about the other job because it put you back down the ladder. I suppose I had my hopes …’ She dabbed at her eyes with one of the Christmas-themed napkins. ‘I’ve just got used to you being here again and incredibly selfishly would love you all to be here all the time, but of course, it isn’t possible and it’s just me being a silly old duck.’
I squished myself up against her and she bent and kissed the top of my head.
‘You’re not silly or old.’
‘To be fair, she’s not a duck either.’ My dad added, doing his best to lighten the mood. Mum giggled and flicked her napkin at him.
‘Please don’t get upset, Mum. It was just a conversation. And I told him how happy I am here at the moment.’ I risked a glance at Cal but he’d switched to studying his water glass.
‘Lex, you have to do what’s best for you,’ Dad said. ‘Whatever it is, we’ll all support you.’
‘Auntie Lexi?’
‘Yes, Harry?’ I stood up, glad of the diversion by my nephew.
‘Does that mean you’re going to miss my birthday party again?’
Excellent. Like I didn’t feel enough of a shit. His mum shushed him and gave me an apologetic look.
‘No, Harry, sweetie. You know I’ll always do my best to get to all your parties.’ I gave what I hoped was a winning smile and prayed for someone to change the topic. Dad made reference to Game of Thrones and the conversation veered quickly, and thankfully, away from me as I retook my seat.
A short while later, Cal excused himself, saying he had some work to catch up on. He thanked my parents for having him, checked that George was OK and happy to go ahead with his sleepover at Harry’s, and then said goodbye to the others. As he wished my brother a happy birthday, Joe swept him into a massive hug and landed a big smacker on his cheek, making him laugh. Cal caught my eye and shook his head, a faint smile on his lips. Joe was so going to feel like crap tomorrow.
With no pretence at subtlety, my family then disappeared back into the living room, herding a few children who were still up way past their bedtime, and leaving Cal and I stood together in the kitchen.
‘Sorry. They’re not very good at subtle.’ I pulled a face and tried to smile, but it felt awkward. ‘They mean well, and they’ll get used to it.’
‘Used to what?’
‘Us.’
‘You mean the non-us.’
I met his eyes, hoping for a flicker of amusement but there was none.
‘Congratulations on the job offer.’
I nodded.
‘I assume you will take it?’
‘It’s a much better package than the other team is offering. Marco’s going to be much more flexible about emergency time off, and stuff like that. He’s not the type to be taken for a fool but he realises people have families and that life doesn’t always go to plan.’
‘That’s for sure.’
I looked at him but his head was down as, having shoved his feet into his boots, he now concentrated on pulling on black leather gloves.
‘If it’s what you want, you should go for it. Assuming you feel you can work with Benoit?’
‘Yes. We’re lucky. We managed to get past the mess we made of things,’ I said, studying my socks. Marco’s offer of a job had been a surprise, but his other request had been an even bigger one.
‘He wants you back.’
‘What?’ My head snapped up and met Cal’s stormy grey eyes. ‘No. I got offered a job because I’m damn good at it!’ I felt the blood rush to my face, partly because Cal was accurate in his assumption but also in annoyance at the same thing.
‘I wasn’t suggesting that was the only reason for him coming to you. I just wondered if it were one of them. Your blushes gave me the answer.’
‘I’m not blushing. I’m cross with you for being so misogynistic as to think there has to be another reason for me being offered a job like that!’
Cal held up his hands. ‘I wasn’t thinking that at all!’ He paused for a moment. ‘OK. Yes, admittedly it did sound like that when I said it. But I didn’t mean it to.’ He gave a brief smile and laid a hand on the door handle. ‘Besides, it’s none of my business. I’m sorry. I … I shouldn’t even have said anything. Night, Lexi.’ He pulled open the door and quickly stepped through, closing it behind him before I’d even had a chance to respond.
Was Marco right? Was complicated worth it? Cal and I weren’t together but right now we didn’t exactly feel like friends either. I didn’t know how I felt. Actually, that wasn’t exactly true. I knew I felt totally miserable. Stuffing my feet into a battered up pair of Ugg boots by the door, I stepped out into the cold.
‘Cal!’ I called, the wind swirling my words around and whisking them away. He was nearly at his car. I followed quickly and called again. This time he turned. The moonlight showed a frown on his face as he did so.
‘Lexi, get back inside. You’ll freeze!’
‘I’m fine,’ I said, my mind occupied with other things.
Cal waited, not saying anything, just looking at me. ‘Did you want something?’ he prompted eventually.
‘I …’
I really did. But I couldn’t have it …
‘I … heard Mum had invited you both to Christmas dinner.’
The frown remained. ‘She did.’
I nodded. ‘I … umm … I hope you’ll come. I think you’d enjoy it. I know George would.’
‘I’m sure we would, but I haven’t decided yet. You should get back inside.’ With that he turned and crunched the last few steps over to his Land Rover. I remained where I was. He stopped at the door, let out a sigh, and dropped his head forward, leaning on the frosty glass of the car’s window. ‘It’s not that simple, Lexi.’
‘What isn’t? It’s just dinner.’
He turned his head, catching me in that heady gaze that made the whole world disappear.
‘It’s not just dinner though, is it? It’s being here. Being with you, pretending I’m OK with it all, and you know what?’ He threw up his hands. ‘I’m not. I’m not OK with it at all. Not remotely. I hate it. I hate this friends, but not quite friends thing. I can’t do it. I can’t pretend not to feel what I do for you.’
I could feel the cold biting into me but I didn’t care.
‘So … you want me to keep out of your way?’ I asked.
Cal stared at me for a moment then laughed. But it was sad and hollow.
‘No, Lexi. What I really want is quite the opposite of that. What I want is standing right in front of me.’
‘Cal, we’ve been over this.’
‘No. You’ve told me why it won’t work and I countered that by telling you that I know it will.’
‘Nobody knows something like that for sure.’
‘I had a lot of time to study a whole lot of relationships growing up, and yes, you’re right. Maybe no one can know for certain but I’ve got a damn good idea about this one. You’re all that I need.’
I shoved my fringe out of my eyes. ‘You can’t say that, Cal. You can’t say to someone that you’d love a big family and then go, oh, actually it’s fine, I don’t want that after all. It’s just lying. To yourself. To me. To everyone. It’s not exactly a great foundation for a relationship.’
‘I’m not lying, Lexi. Yes, I would love
a big family but the thing I love the most, the thing I want the most, is to be with the woman I love. The woman I can’t stop thinking about. The woman who’s driving me crazy at this moment because she won’t let herself believe that she’s enough. And that anything else is a bonus. Thanks to that mile-wide streak of generosity your family seem to possess, George and I have already pretty much gained a big family. The times I’m with you …’ he gave a sad smile ‘… it’s wonderful. I feel like I have everything in that moment. I’ve never felt a part of something so much as I do when I’m with you and your family. As a child, I’d lie awake and pretend I was part of something special. And then I was. It just took a little longer than I’d hoped for but the bonus of it is that it comes as a package with the most beautiful, kind, funny, and feisty woman I know.’
‘It’s not the same, Cal, and you know it.’
‘Oh my …’ His jaw set as he raked his hands through his hair. ‘What do you want me to say, Lexi?’ he said, his voice breaking with exasperation and hurt.
I felt the tears I’d been holding on to prick my eyes but I concentrated on keeping them in place.
‘I love you. I want to be with you. Yes, I’ve thought about having more children, but it was just that – a thought. I had no intention of even getting involved with anyone seriously for a long while yet! My plan was just to concentrate on George and my business. And then I walked into that little grotto of a Christmas shop, just like I’ve done a hundred times since we moved here, and came face to face with this gorgeous woman about to let fly with a series of expletives in front of my five-year-old. And you know what? I was pretty much lost then and there.’
I opened my mouth to say something, but no words would come. My mouth was dry and my head was spinning at the realisation that Cal had just said he loved me. No matter how much I tried to deny it to myself, I knew I loved him too. Which should make this all so simple. Instead it made it more complicated than ever.
Cal’s hands moved my face, one resting gently each side. ‘Lexi. Look at me.’
I did as he asked.
‘I want you in my life. I want you in George’s life. I want you. I don’t care about anything else. We’ll deal with it as it happens.’
‘The main problem is that it doesn’t happen. I … care about you … very much and I can’t bear to think of you resenting me down the line when things don’t work out like you planned.’
I held back, forcing myself not to say the words. Telling Cal Martin I loved him wouldn’t do either of us any good. Better for him to think I cared less than he did. Maybe it would help him deal with it a bit easier.
‘Jesus, woman! You’re impossible! I love you so much it’s driving me mad because all I can think of is you. All the time. And I will never, ever resent you. We might not be able to have any more children and that’s the situation. We still have George who thinks you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread and you have so many nieces and nephews I’ve lost count, plus there’ll soon be Giselle and Xander’s baby, which I believe you’re already godmother of.’
I smiled at the thought of all the little people I loved so dearly, as well as those I was yet to meet. But something still tugged at me.
‘It’s not the same though, is it?’
‘No,’ he said, softly, ‘it’s not the same. But whatever happens, we will have an amazing and very full life. I promise you that. I will never resent you. The only thing I want to do is love you. But I can only do that if you let me. If you’re going to go into something expecting it to break, then it will. But if you let go of everything else, give yourself over to it, I guarantee you’ll be amazed at the things that can happen. But you have to believe in me, Lexi. And you have to believe in yourself. And right now, I’m not sure you believe enough in either one of us.’
His voice was soft now and his eyes glittered in the moonlight. I wasn’t sure if it was from the vicious north wind that blew into my back, and onto his face or from something far worse.
‘Now, go inside before you freeze to death.’
‘Cal …’
He unlocked the door and put a booted foot up, ready to haul himself in.
‘Go inside, Lexi. Please.’ Sliding behind the wheel, he kept his eyes away from mine, closed the door, and pulled the vehicle out of the drive, onto the road. The sound of the engine faded and the night closed back around me. I looked at the door to my flat and put a foot on the bottom step before remembering that my key was in my coat, which was inside the house.
Plodding back over to the kitchen door, the boots’ foamy soles squelching in the damp, I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop the shivering that was now wracking my body. My teeth chattered and my eyes were streaming. Stepping into the kitchen, the warmth hit me and Apollo lifted his head briefly from his spot by the Aga to check who it was. He looked so comfortable I didn’t blame him for not getting up. He looked so well settled, I had my doubts as to whether he’d have moved even if I’d been a burglar, intent on clearing the house.
‘There you are,’ Mum said, coming up behind me, ‘I didn’t know if you’d gone – Lexi? Whatever is the matter?’ she asked, scooping my hair, damp from the cold, back from my face. ‘Goodness, you’re freezing!’ Concern showed on her face as she pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and gently pushed me down into in. Crouching before me, she rubbed my arms, calling for my dad as she did so.
‘Mum, I’m fine,’ I said. She ignored me and called my dad again. I’d never been a very good fibber and the fact my body was shaking and I could feel tears dropping off the edge of my chin in a steady run, didn’t really aid my cause.
Dad wandered in, his relaxed look changing the moment he saw me.
‘Grab me a blanket would you, love?’ Mum instructed him, and he returned moments later with a thick and cosy one, which he then proceeded to lay around my shoulders, cuddling me into him as he did so. I reached my arms out and wrapped around his waist, unable to control the tears that continued to fall.
‘You’re like a little ice pop,’ he said, moving me off the chair and then pulling me back onto his lap, tucking the blanket back around me. It didn’t matter that I’d turned thirty. I would always be my dad’s little girl. They’d always been here for me. Whether I’d fallen out of a tree, or my heart was in pieces, I always had someone who would wrap their arms around me, rock me, and tell me everything would be all right. I’d never had to comfort myself, never had no one to talk to, laugh with, fight with. I was in pain and I was sat in my dad’s arms, feeling safe and loved. I knew that Cal was hurting too, and he had no one. He was alone.
‘Mum?’ I said, sniffing in a most unladylike manner.
‘Yes?’ she answered, handing me a tissue. I blew and then stood, keeping the blanket wrapped around me, the chills still not quite ready to leave me.
‘Would you mind doing me a favour?’
Chapter Nineteen
‘Lexi!’ George’s excited call shot a current of happiness through me, the strength of it surprising me.
I turned from where I’d been arranging cuddly turkeys wearing Santa hats on a shelf. Bit odd, I know, but they’d been a surprisingly good seller. George thumped into me and cuddled my thighs.
I tried to keep the sadness out of my smile as I stroked the top of his head, his hair fine and silky under my fingers. Cal hadn’t been in the shop for a couple of days. I knew he’d been working on the Festival floats and the shop was humming with business but it didn’t matter. Every day I didn’t see George and Cal felt like for ever. But it would get better, I told myself. For all of us.
‘I’m sure you’ve been super busy getting ready for Christmas, just like Father Christmas. Although –’ I looked down and met George’s wide and curious stare ‘– I think you’re a tiny bit too small to be Father Christmas. So, I’m thinking you must be an elf.’
George giggled and let go of my legs. ‘I’m not an elf. I’m George.’
‘Yes. An elf called George.’
I tickled him and he giggled more. ‘I’m not an elf; I’m a boy! Daddy! Tell Lexi I’m a boy not an elf,’ he called out, wriggling and giggling in my arms.
I looked up. The door had been chiming merrily away all morning. The shop had been so busy in the past few weeks that the bell had become merely background noise and I’d stopped taking much notice of it. Apparently, this time I should have. I’d thought George was over playing with Harry this morning and had been expecting my sister-in-law to be with him but instead Cal Martin was standing there, looking as gorgeous – and as far out of my reach – as ever.
‘Sorry, George, you had to find out sometime.’ He scooped his son up and balanced him on his hip, ‘I was out watching Father Christmas delivering presents to all the good little girls and boys one Christmas Eve and I saw this tiny elf tumbling down, having fallen off the sleigh. So, I quickly ran and caught him. And there you were!’
George studied his father’s calm, serious face for a couple of seconds. And then he burst out laughing. ‘Daddy! That’s not true!’
‘It’s not?’ Cal replied, a look of extreme surprise on his face.
‘No!’ His son giggled.
‘Oh. Then I suppose you really must be a little boy then.’
‘I am!’ he said, flinging his arms around Cal’s neck. ‘I’m your little boy!’
Cal wrapped his arm around his son, placing one large hand on his back. ‘Yes, you are.’
Remembering that the turkeys I’d been displaying were suddenly in dire need of attention, I turned away from the happy scene and fiddled about with them, moving one then putting it back and basically just faffing, keeping my face away from the familial tableau behind me. It was easier that way.
‘Lexi, am I allowed to play on the rocking horse?’
‘Of course, sweetie,’ I said, keeping my attention on the long-completed task in front of me. Little feet took off running across the floorboards. I hadn’t heard Cal leave and by the way my neck was tingling, I was pretty sure he was standing right behind me.
‘How are you?’ His words were soft but guarded.
The Best Little Christmas Shop Page 23
