‘Good, thanks,’ I lied. ‘You?’
I heard him shift his weight. ‘Unless you’re going to start stuffing those things, I think that display is pretty much perfect.’
Busted.
I gave a turkey one last prod and faced Cal. I didn’t have to ask him how he’d been. His face told me everything I needed to know. Shadows lurked under his eyes and he was about three days late for a shave. His gaze fixed on me, and like it had the first time I’d met him, it made everything around me fade into the distance.
‘I had a visit from your mum after Joe’s party,’ he said, the softest of smiles hovering on his lips.
‘Oh?’
The smile widened a little. ‘You’re probably about the worst liar I’ve ever met.’
I let my gaze drift back to the turkeys.
‘If you start fiddling with them again, I’m going to buy them all just so you have to look at me.’
He laughed when I pulled a face, as if considering the economic side of that option, and a little of the ice that was between us cracked.
‘Thank you for asking her to come and check on me. That was kind of you.’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t know how you coped without having someone. I always knew I was lucky with my family but you’ve helped me see just how much. And as I was responsible for you feeling … sad, I just thought you might feel a bit better if you knew you weren’t alone.’
‘I know I’m not alone, Lexi.’
‘Oh! No, I mean, of course you have George. I just meant …’
‘Like a mum. Or dad.’
I nodded.
He reached around me and took one of the stuffed turkeys from the shelf and began turning it over in his hands. ‘It was nice. I … I guess I always thought I was OK. That I’d coped this long. Whatever came along, I could deal with it. On my own. And for the most part, I have.’
‘She said you were a little reluctant to let her in.’
‘It was getting late and it was Joe’s birthday.’
‘Joe was past knowing who his mother was by then, let alone where she was.’
‘Yes, that’s pretty much what she said.’ He smiled. ‘And she can be pretty persistent.’
‘This is very true.’
‘Are you having that?’ I said, pointing to the turkey.
‘Yes. I think so. There’s something oddly endearing about it.’
I took another off the shelf and handed it to him. ‘On the house. You can’t just have one. It’ll be lonely.’
Cal raised an eyebrow. ‘Have you been sniffing the cinnamon sticks?’
‘No. Not today.’ I smiled, shoving my hands in my pockets, glancing over at where Claire was ringing up items on the till for a couple of customers. The last few days had seen her colour improve more and I was happy to see her back taking part in the bustle of the shop, not just because it helped ease the load but because I loved spending time with her. I looked back up at Cal. ‘I’m sorry I hurt you. You don’t know how much I wish things were different but they’re not. And I can’t make them different. But Mum and Dad love you and George as if you were their own, and my brothers think the world of you. I don’t want … us … to mess up the rest of it. So, please don’t let it. Don’t stop seeing them just because you might not want to see me, will you?’
He reached out and brushed my fingers with his own, before shaking his head. ‘No. I promise.’
I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding. Cal glanced over to his son, checking he was OK. Having found a Santa hat, George was now riding the rocking horse and holding out the hat like a rodeo rider, and letting out whoops of “yee ha” every so often. We watched for a moment as though both trying to absorb George’s joy in order to dull our own sadness.
The door tinkled again and a large family hurried in, chill air blowing across the shop as the gusting wind fought to whip the door from their grip. I gave them a practised smile and turned back to Cal.
‘I really ought to get on.’
‘Yes. Of course.’
George, having now finished his rodeo, came running up to us. ‘Lexi. Will Father Christmas know where to find me on Christmas Day?’
I smiled down and ran my free hand over his silky hair. ‘Absolutely. I have it on very good authority that he has your address written clearly on his Good Little Boys list.’
‘But we won’t be at home,’ he sighed. ‘We’re going somewhere else … Anti … goo? What if he can’t find me?’
‘Oh!’ I glanced at Cal but he was looking down at George and doing a stellar job of avoiding eye contact. ‘Well. Father Christmas is very good at stuff like that. And if you like, I can get word to him and make sure he knows exactly where you are in …’
I looked up at his father for a confirmation, doing my best to keep my face blank. From the look on his, I hadn’t achieved it. A flash of guilt crossed his own. ‘Antigua.’
‘Right. Of course.’
‘It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.’
George’s eye was caught by something in the shop and he walked off to investigate.
‘Sounds lovely,’ I forced out brightly. This was probably for the best anyway. Mum had invited Cal and George to Christmas dinner and although I hadn’t ever thought of myself as a masochist, I’d hoped he wouldn’t cancel. I knew Mum’s invitation was irrespective of our situation. She adored both of them and hated the thought of them alone in their quiet house whilst ours rang with noise, laughter, and good-natured arguments.
Last year George and Cal were new to the village and although she’d invited them, she’d accepted Cal’s polite refusal; but you didn’t turn down a Christmas dinner at Mum’s twice in a row with no good reason. It certainly looked like he had a good reason now – several thousand miles of good reasons.
‘You’ve told Mum?’ I said, keeping my tone light.
A sheepish look gave me my answer.
‘Not yet.’
‘You ought to do it as soon as possible. She’s already started baking.’
I caught the look he gave me. ‘If I tell you I didn’t consider coming, I’d be lying. I know it will be wonderful and yes, I feel a pretty shitty dad right now, not giving George that opportunity to spend his Christmas with you all. But we’ve been away before around Christmas and he enjoyed it so, although I’m not exactly his favourite person right now, I’m hoping he’ll warm to the idea again soon.’
‘You’re still his favourite person. But you’re not coming because of me.’
‘No. I’m not coming because of me. Because right now I don’t know how to be around you and not feel what I feel for you, and that’s not going to make a great Christmas for any of us. I think the break from each other will do us both good, to be honest.’
‘Yes,’ I croaked out, knowing he was probably right but also knowing that the last thing I really wanted from Cal Martin was space. ‘You’re probably right.’ Keeping my eyes from locking with his, I cast my gaze around. ‘I really should go and see if Claire’s OK. Have a lovely time in Antigua. Give my love to George too, won’t you?’ I said, as I began walking away. I knew that if that little boy ran over for a cuddle now, I’d be lost. Cal was right. Space was the best thing for us all.
Pasting on a smile I headed over to the cash desk and began greeting the customers, making small talk about the weather, the season, and the items they were buying. In the background of their hubbub, I heard the doorbell tinkle and Cal’s large frame filled the doorway as he held the door firmly against the biting wind. George turned and, wiggling his head to try and see me through the people, he then gave me an enthusiastic wave. I waved back and blew him a kiss before turning my attention back to my other customers. The smile on my face might have fooled them, but it didn’t fool my head – or my heart.
I wrapped the last of the purchases and laughed with the happy family, their joy filling me with an ache that made me want to run home to my own. I wanted to make the most of their time and their love while I co
uld. Seeing Cal today had made it clear what I needed to do. Deep down I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. But it was what I needed and that would have to be enough.
Chapter Twenty
Not many people in the village owned a matt black Lamborghini Aventador. In fact, there was a grand total of zero. But I knew one person who did. The bigger question was why it was currently parked in my parents’ driveway. Passing the stairs to my own place, I made my way to the back door, getting blown into the kitchen by an icy wind that was now well on its way to approaching gale status. Sat there at the table looking both oddly out of place, and yet completely at home, was Marco Benoit. Three of my petrol-headed nephews were opposite him, their eyes wide and their mouths slightly agape as he regaled them with tales of the Formula One track.
‘Hello, darling,’ Mum said. ‘Marco dropped by to see you. I wasn’t sure how long you’d be so I’ve invited him to dinner.’ Her tone was entirely casual, as if having billionaire racing drivers sat at your kitchen table was an everyday occurrence. My family had taken my going out with Marco in their stride – as they did everything – and Mum knew us breaking up hadn’t been easy on either side. Now she knew the full story, her care for him would have only increased.
‘Marco’s going to take us out in his car!’ My eldest nephew was practically reverberating with excitement.
‘Not in that weather he’s not,’ I replied firmly.
‘Exactly what I said,’ Marco assured me as he stood and bent to kiss me on both cheeks. ‘But I’ll come back when the weather is better, yes?’
I nodded acceptance and the boys bounced up and down cheering, before running around making car noises and zipping in and out of the kitchen. Mum eventually sent them into the living room so that she could get on with making dinner. A glance at the stove indicated there was more than just her and Dad and me and Marco eating here tonight.
‘What’s with all the food?’ I asked, shrugging off all the layers I’d put on to walk to and from work today. The weather seemed to be getting colder every day and the odds of a white Christmas were now only two to one.
‘Oh, I thought you might have seen one of the boys at work?’
I shook my head. ‘Only briefly but we didn’t have time to chat.’
The stream of customers into the shop had been almost continuous today and on the odd quiet moment, I’d taken the opportunity to pack up some online orders and get them ready for collection first thing tomorrow. I was exhausted but I knew it wasn’t just from being so busy. Busy was good. Busy kept me from thinking of other things. Like the most gorgeous, interesting, and disturbingly hot man I’d ever met telling me he loved me and me sending him away. Yep, I definitely needed busy.
‘Dan asked if we could all get together tonight,’ Mum said, interrupting my thoughts as the back door opened again after a brief knock. Cal walked in.
‘Oh, Cal, sweetheart. I’m so glad you could make it at such late notice. Is George not with you?’
The warm expression his face held for my mum turned to wary as he looked from me to Marco and back to me again.
‘Oh. No, sorry. I should have said. We’ve been building an army of snowmen this afternoon and he’s kind of worn out. I got him to have a nap and he was still out like a light. I didn’t really want to wake him, and Martha was happy to come and babysit. Dan’s text sounded like it was important though.’
‘What’s going on?’ I asked.
Mum shrugged. ‘Honestly, I don’t know. I just work here!’ she said, laughing. ‘Cal, I’ve only recently made tea. There should be some left in that pot. Lexi, aren’t you forgetting your manners?’
I gave her a blank look. Cal Martin had a habit of making a woman forget a lot of things. All I could be thankful for was that I’d never slept with him. I had the distinct feeling that was something I’d never have forgotten. Odd then that despite everything, I was having such a hard time conjuring up any grain of gratefulness for that particular circumstance.
I steered my brain away from that thought with haste. ‘Oh! Marco Benoit, this is Cal Martin. Cal, this is Marco.’ Mum and I both knew that Cal had recognised the man the moment he’d walked in but we were British, and there were some things that you just had to do in the right way.
Cal nodded and held out his hand. Marco took it, his mouth smiling but his eyes assessing just as much as Cal’s were. The only difference is that Cal didn’t even pretend to smile. I prayed that they weren’t going to have some squeezy-handshake-until-the-death competition but luckily they just gave a brief shake and dropped their hands back to their sides.
‘You missed something.’ Marco smiled down at me, pulling the hat I’d forgotten off my head and the hair I’d roughly shoved under it tumbled down.
‘I so rarely saw you wear your hair loose,’ he said, his face thoughtful.
‘Not the best idea when you’ve got your head shoved halfway inside a car.’
‘You didn’t always have your head in an engine.’ He quirked an eyebrow at me and I made a point of ignoring it. And a point of not looking at Cal.
‘Still. It suits you.’
‘She had it short for a while when she was little,’ Mum added as she stirred something that smelled mouthwatering on the hob, ‘but it turns out that as much as she declared she wanted to be a boy and do “boy stuff”, it irked her to be actually called a boy all the time. She thought if she grew her hair it would stop people doing it. I tried to explain that wearing a dress occasionally might help too but –’
‘I’m pretty sure no one’s interested in that, Mum,’ I said, my insides curling with embarrassment.
‘I am,’ Cal and Marco both chimed in unison. They exchanged a look and I felt the tension in the air notch up a level. Perfect. Exactly what I needed. A double dose of amped-up testosterone.
‘Did you tell Mum you can’t make it to Christmas dinner yet?’ I asked Cal, effectively dropping him in it in a desperate bid to shift the focus of conversation.
‘You can’t?’ Mum turned, disappointment creasing her features.
Cal gave me a “thanks a bunch” look and set about trying to come up with a plausible explanation that didn’t involve the words “I just need to put a few thousand miles between me and your daughter right now”.
Taking the opportunity of the distraction, I turned to Marco. ‘Why are you here anyway? I mean, it’s nice to see you, but …’
‘I was passing.’
‘Passing.’ I raised an eyebrow. Somehow I doubted that.
‘And, I wondered if you’d come to a decision yet … about the things I offered you.’
Even from the back and involved in another conversation, I could see Cal’s body tense. I cut Marco a look that told him I wasn’t in the mood for him to play games. It was obvious he’d sussed immediately that Cal was the man I’d spoken about meeting and also that we most definitely weren’t together. It was hard not to notice that Marco would prefer it stayed that way.
‘Don’t,’ I said, keeping my voice low. The tone was enough for him to raise his hands in submission.
Cal had his arm around my mum’s shoulder, hugging her to him as she patted his arm. ‘That’s OK, love. You just have a lovely time out there on holiday and perhaps you could pop round when you get home for a meal sometime.’
‘That sounds perfect, Annie. Thank you. And thanks so much for inviting us in the first place.’
She patted his arm again and smiled. I could see the disappointment it was masking but I pretended not to notice. The passing glance Cal gave me told me he was doing exactly the same.
‘Bloody hell! You traded up your car, Cal?’ A still slightly bruised Joe suddenly barrelled in the back door, before opening it wider for more of my nieces and nephews to pile through as the rest of my family arrived in one big influx.
Cal gave a hollow laugh as he shook Joe’s hand and then proceeded to do the same to the rest of my brothers, dropping kisses on the cheeks of their various partners. ‘Hardly.’
&n
bsp; ‘It’s Marco’s, Joe,’ I called over to him and various glances shot Marco’s way. Marco had met my family a few times before, when we’d been together, so I left them all to it as Mum asked me to grab some extra napkins from the top of the cupboard. I climbed on a chair. Cal, standing close, automatically put out his hand to help my ascent. I took it without thinking and made the briefest of eye contact with him, receiving the ghost of a smile in return.
I glanced down to check my footing and instead felt Cal’s hands at my waist, lifting me down.
‘Thank you,’ I said, ‘but you do know I’ve been climbing up and down on these chairs since the year dot.’
The smile glimmered again. ‘I don’t doubt it. And I wasn’t suggesting you actually needed help. I just wanted to give it.’
His voice was soft, even though the general noise level of my family having come together was probably way above EU recommendations.
I looked up at him. ‘It might be easier for both of us if you don’t.’
‘I know. And then I see you and I can’t help it.’
‘Then it’s probably a good thing you’re going to Antigua.’
A shadow passed across his features. ‘And where are you going?’ he asked, his glance taking in the additional guest in our kitchen.
I lifted my gaze. ‘It’s what I’m good at.’ Neither of us missed the element of sadness in my voice.
Cal carefully pushed my hair back over one shoulder. ‘So why don’t you sound excited about it?’
‘I am. I mean, I will be. I’ve just been really busy with everything else here.’
Keeping myself busy so that I didn’t think about you.
‘If it’s what you want then I’m really happy for you, Lexi.’
I knew what I wanted beyond anything else. He was standing right in front of me, sending my brain spinning and turning my insides to liquid. But I also knew there was something that he wanted too. I chewed my lip and took in the noise and crowd filling the kitchen as my family did what it did best – came together, laughing, talking over each other, taking the mickey, supporting. Everything he had never had. Everything he wanted. And everything I might not be able to give him. He’d turned now, absorbing the atmosphere. I watched him and I knew my decision.
The Best Little Christmas Shop Page 24
