Love Me Again

by Jaci Burton

  "Not all of us are batshit crazy, you know. My friend Cathy liked this boy Sean in sixth grade. And I liked him, too. But then in seventh grade Sean decided to ask Cathy to the school dance. I figured he just liked her better. It hurt my feelings, but I was still friends with Cathy. It wasn't her fault he chose her over me. Even if I did think I was the better choice."

  Deacon laughed. "Clearly, you're a much better person than your former friends."

  "Clearly."

  Deacon hollered for Hazel, who ran over to them.

  "That was so fun. Did you guys see I scored two goals? And then I got to play defense and goalie. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna make the team."

  No lack of self-esteem with her kid. "You were great, honey."

  "Yeah, you were," Deacon said. "So great we should have ice cream."

  Hazel gave Deacon a confused look. "But we haven't had dinner yet."

  Deacon shrugged. "I'll bet your mom will let us have dessert first, and then dinner, just on this special occasion. What do you say, Loretta?"

  Loretta could have said no, but after that run-in with those awful women, she could use a pick-me-up. "Who am I to stall a celebration of such an outstanding performance? Ice cream it is. But we'll have to eat it outside since we have Otis with us."

  Hazel grinned. "Drippy ice cream. Awesome."

  Nothing like an exuberant nine-year-old to take your mind off having dealt with some unpleasant women.

  And, of course, ice cream.

  Chapter 34

  * * *

  LORETTA RUSHED AROUND trying to get both Hazel and herself ready. Hazel was being decidedly uncooperative. She'd had to chase her down in the front yard because she was playing with Otis instead of getting in the shower like Loretta had asked her to. Then she dawdled in the mirror making faces and playing with her hair instead of taking her shower, so Loretta finally had to stand in the bathroom and bark orders through the shower curtain, which was utterly ridiculous.

  But sometimes dealing with a kid was like that, and it typically happened when she was running out of time.

  So when Deacon got there, Loretta hadn't yet had a chance to take her own shower yet.

  "I'm running late," she said as he walked in. "But I'll hurry."

  "There's no hurry. Oh, wait, we do have dinner reservations. How about I move them by a half hour?"

  "That would be awesome. Thanks."

  She got into the shower and, unlike her daughter, managed to get it done on a timely basis. She dried her hair, put on makeup, and got into the polka dot sundress Deacon had taken off of her in record time not so long ago. The thought of that gave her wicked goose bumps.

  Maybe they could do that again later tonight.

  When she came down the hall, Deacon and Hazel were playing a game on his phone. Okay, she was yelling at him that he was making all the wrong moves, and he was laughing.

  "Hazel, are you packed?"

  She didn't pull her gaze away from the phone. "In a minute. We're playing."

  Exasperated, she said, "Now, Hazel."

  "Okay. Fine." She gave Loretta a look and marched down the hall.

  Deacon looked up at her. "One of those days?"

  "Like you cannot believe. She's full of attitude today."

  "I have some really good news that I think will obliterate that attitude right out of her."

  Loretta slid next to Deacon on the sofa. "Really? What kind of news?"

  He looked down the hall to make sure Hazel wasn't there, then up at Loretta and smiled. "She made the competitive soccer team."

  At once elated, then instantly confused, Loretta said, "She did? That's amazing. But wait. How do you know that?"

  "Coach Jennings called me this afternoon to let me know."

  She was still confused. "He didn't call me."

  "Yeah, he told me to let you know, and then he said he'd e-mail you all the details about practices."

  "Okay, but my name was on the form."

  "He and I are friends, and we spent a lot of time talking during the tryouts. He probably figured since I was connected to Hazel he'd just give me a call. No big deal, right?"

  "Sure. No big deal." Except it kind of was.

  But she brushed it aside. And Hazel was so excited she leaped onto the sofa, which meant Otis started barking, Hazel squealed, and Loretta had a headache.

  She loved her daughter very much, but she was so happy she was going to spend the weekend at Tom's parents'. Sometimes a little quiet wasn't a bad thing.

  They drove to Tom's parents', and Hazel said good-bye to Deacon, then dashed out and ran to the front door, leaving Loretta to wrangle Otis, whom she'd left behind in the car.

  "That child," she muttered.

  "Let me help," Deacon said.

  "No, I've got this."

  He got out of the car and took Otis's leash. "You've also got me to help you. So you grab Hazel's things, and I'll take care of the dog."

  "Fine."

  She was in a terrible mood, and she didn't know why. Probably her uncooperative daughter and the fact that one of the shipments of new books releasing Tuesday hadn't come in yet, and if it didn't come by then she was going to have some very unhappy customers.

  It just hadn't been her day. She needed to shake it off, so she smiled at her in-laws, took the leash from Deacon, who politely said hello to Tom's parents, then made a quick exit.

  Loretta went inside and told Tom's parents that Hazel was overexcited at the moment. Fortunately, they never minded. Tom and Loretta might not ever see eye to eye, but his parents were good people, and they loved Hazel. She kissed her daughter good-bye and left the house, then slid back into the car, determined to pull herself out of her bad mood.

  She and Deacon were going to eat at a new restaurant tonight, and she was looking forward to a nice glass of wine, some adult conversation, and great food.

  Deacon drove them to Tulsa. The restaurant was located in a corner shopping center. Not much to look at from the outside, but Deacon had told her it had rave reviews.

  The inside had a dark ambience, and a very efficient, friendly staff that seated them at one of the corner tables.

  She smoothed her hands over the white linen tablecloth and noted the fresh flowers and very fine-looking leather-bound menu.

  A waiter came over right away to take their drink order. She ordered a glass of wine, and Deacon ordered a beer.

  She perused the menu, which was substantial and offered various steaks, seafood, and chicken items, along with duck and lamb. She was going to have a difficult time deciding.

  But since her glass of wine arrived, she definitely wanted that first. She took a sip and closed her eyes.

  "Rough day?"

  She opened her eyes to find Deacon smiling at her from across the table. "It wasn't a great one."

  "Want to talk about it?"

  "Not particularly. I'd rather forget about it and focus on this great dinner we're going to have."

  "Okay, let's do that. You look beautiful, by the way. I do like that dress. I think I mentioned that the last time you wore it."

  Her lips curved. "Thank you. The last time I wore it, I didn't wear it very long."

  "I definitely remember that night."

  So did she, and it gave her a very warm feeling. Maybe her night would be better than her day had been.

  "How's work going for you?" she asked.

  He set his beer on the table. "Good. Fixtures are in, and the bathrooms are all about finished. The owner has rented a few of the spaces, which is good, but he's pushing us about completion."

  "What is your completion timeline?"

  "End of August, hopefully. But he's nervous, and he has tenants who want to move in the first of September. So he's afraid we won't finish on time."

  She took a sip of wine. "You will."

  "I'm glad you're so confident in me. Maybe you could pass that on to the owner."

  She laughed. "I will if you want me to. I'm a good cheerleader, you know."r />
  He waggled his brows. "I remember you in that cheerleader uniform. Short skirt, long legs. Very sexy."

  "At sixteen, yes. Now, not so much."

  "I don't know. Anytime you want to play dress up, I'm game for it."

  She rolled her eyes. "Not gonna happen."

  "Oh, come on, Loretta. Where's your sense of adventure?"

  "Oh, I'm all about adventure. I'll tell you what. Next time you dress up as Captain America for me, I'll dress up as a cheerleader for you."

  His face slanted into a frown. "Captain America? Really?"

  "Really."

  "That's very disappointing."

  "Hey, fantasies can't be one-sided, you know."

  "Oh, I'm all for you having superhero fantasies. I just took you for an Iron Man kind of woman."

  She laughed. "Nope. I'm Team Cap all the way."

  After a couple of glasses of wine she felt enormously more relaxed. And when her pan-seared bass arrived, she was in heaven. It was light and delicious, and since Deacon had ordered the poached salmon, they each tasted the other's meal. His was wonderful as well. She took her time to savor every bite of hers.

  Plus more wine, of course.

  "Dessert?" the waiter asked after he cleared their plates.

  Loretta shook her head. "Not for me."

  "I think we're fine," Deacon said. "Just the check."

  On the ride back to town, Loretta felt relaxed and mellow.

  "Oh, I meant to tell you, I have this thing next weekend."

  She rolled her head to the side to look at him. "A thing?"

  "Yeah, it's an annual contractor's banquet. I got tickets for both of us. It's Saturday night and it's in Oklahoma City, so it would be an overnight. You can get a sitter for Hazel, right?"

  And, poof. There went her mellow mood. She sat up. "You already got tickets?"

  "Yeah. For both of us. It's an awards banquet, an annual thing. I wanted you to go with me."

  She blinked. "How long have you known about this?"

  He pulled onto the highway, then gave her a brief glance. "I don't know. A few weeks. Why?"

  "Did it ever occur to you to ask me first before you assumed I was available?"

  He let out a short laugh. "Available? What do you mean? Do you have another date?"

  She waved her hand. "That's not what I mean, Deacon. But Hazel might have something going on."

  "I know exactly what Hazel has going on. I'm part of her life as well as yours." He paused for a few seconds. "You're mad at me about this?"

  "No. I'm not mad." But she was irked. He hadn't checked with her--he'd just assumed she'd be available. And that was annoying.

  "I'm sorry. I guess I just thought you'd want to go with me."

  "I would have. I would. I don't know. Maybe you should have checked with me first."

  "I didn't think I needed to."

  There was a tightness in her chest that wouldn't go away. The words "You don't own me" hovered on her lips, but she bit them back, not wanting to fight with him.

  But, dammit, something wasn't sitting right with her, and that unsettled mood she'd felt earlier was back.

  So when he pulled up in front of her house, she turned to him. "I need to call it a night early."

  He unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face her. "You're mad at me."

  "No, I'm not. Maybe a little irritated. I don't know, Deacon. I just need some space to think."

  He reached for her and laid his hand over her arm. "We need to talk about this, figure out why you're so upset. You sitting in your house mad at me without me being there to talk to you about it isn't going to make you feel better."

  She thought about that. He was right. Maybe. She didn't know if it would help or make it worse. But at least he wasn't walking away from her while she was upset, so he got points for that. "Okay. Fine. We'll talk."

  "Good."

  They went inside, and Deacon got a phone call.

  "It's work stuff, sorry," he whispered to her. Then he stepped outside, so Loretta started a pot of coffee and pondered what had gotten her into such a mood.

  She knew what it was. First the thing with Hazel and soccer. She was Hazel's mother, yet the coach had called Deacon instead.

  And then Deacon assuming she'd be available to go to this out-of-town event.

  Sure, they were a couple and in a relationship. But she still had responsibilities. A daughter. A business. She wasn't sitting idly by waiting for Deacon to invite her out.

  It was damned irritating, and reminiscent of her marriage to Tom, where he had controlled everything about her life. He'd made all the plans, and she'd just come along for the ride.

  She and Deacon were together almost constantly. Hazel adored him. She more than adored him. She depended on him.

  So did Loretta.

  And that caused an ache in her stomach that wasn't the good kind of ache.

  When she'd walked away from her marriage, she'd done so with the determination to become independent, to forge her own existence separate from a man.

  First she'd had her father telling her what to do, how to do it--who to be. Then she'd endured years of living under Tom's rules. By the end of her marriage she'd had enough of men, determined that she'd show her daughter, by example, what it was like to be an independent woman.

  She took her coffee and walked out the back door. It was stiflingly hot; the kind of hot where the air you breathe makes you sweat.

  Maybe she should have opted for iced tea instead of coffee. But she took a seat in one of the lounge chairs, looking out over her vegetable garden.

  Her tomatoes had gone crazy. She allowed a small victory smile over that. The chickens made squawking noises. They were laying eggs, and she'd made a few great breakfasts with those.

  She'd carved out a life for herself and Hazel free of any man's expectations.

  Until Deacon. Deacon, who had helped her with that vegetable garden, and so many other things around this place--this place that she'd been determined to fix all on her own.

  Now she had wrapped herself around a man again, had gotten used to Deacon being in and around her life, and had let her daughter get attached to him, too.

  Had she made a misstep in her quest for independence by falling in love with Deacon?

  Because she was absolutely in love with him and couldn't imagine her life without him in it.

  And now that she knew she was in love, that she was actually thinking about a future with him for the first time since she and Deacon had reconnected, she felt actual fear.

  And hesitation.

  Maybe all of this had been a giant mistake. And it wasn't just Loretta who was going to be hurt if this all went sideways--it was Hazel, too.

  Deacon came outside and sat beside her.

  "Hot out here."

  "Yes."

  He put his arm around her, and it felt like a boulder weighing her down.

  Something was wrong.

  Something was very definitely wrong.

  She stood. "Too hot out here. Let's go inside."

  "Okay." He stood and followed her in. Sweat beaded between her breasts, whether from the heat or her own panicked thoughts she wasn't sure.

  She dumped the coffee in the sink.

  "Too hot for coffee," she said. "How about some iced tea?"

  "Fine with me."

  She realized as she went to reach for glasses in the cabinet that her hands were shaking.

  "I'll get those," Deacon said, then paused to look at her. "Are you okay?"

  "I'm fine."

  "You're not fine." He laid the glasses on the counter. "Talk to me, Loretta."

  She didn't even know where to begin. Her mind was a jumbled mess of contradictions, which was why she'd wanted to be alone.

  She needed time to think, to process, to reason all this out in her head. Instead, she knew she was going to end up blurting things out, and not all of it was going to be good.

  She leaned against the counter, pulling her
arms across her chest.

  "I'm afraid."

  "Of what?"

  "Of loving you. But it's too late for that, because I'm already in love with you. And that scares the hell out of me, Deacon. I love you, and Hazel loves you, and she sees you as a father figure--one she's been lacking."

  "Okay. You love me and Hazel loves me. And you see those as bad things?"

  She shook her head. "No. I don't know. Maybe. I've tried so hard to carve out this independent life for myself and for my daughter. I'm just not ready for this insta-family that you seem to be looking for."

  Deacon held his hand out. "Whoa. Wait a minute. Who said I was looking for an insta-family? Did I ever say that to you?"

  "No. But I can tell. I see it in the way you are with Hazel. With me. You've been there for us this whole time we've been together."

  "And again, that's a bad thing?"

  She knew whatever she said to him wasn't going to come out right. "No. Of course not. It's been wonderful. You've been wonderful. Amazing. Caring. No woman could ask for more."

  "But it's not what you want."

  "Not now. I just need some space. I need time to find out who I am, independent of a man who's going to make decisions for me. I had that before. God, Deacon, I've had that my entire life. From the time I was born until I left for college, I had my father telling me what to do, what all the right choices were in my life. After that, I had Tom, who did the same damn thing.

  "And when I finally freed myself from all of that, I was able to carve out a life for myself, where I could do the things I wanted to do for a change. I need to be my own person, to show my daughter what it's like to be a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life. I owe that to her."

  "And you think that in order to do that you have to be alone."

  "Yes."

  He stepped up to her and placed his hands gently on her shoulders. "Loretta, I've told you this before, but maybe you didn't hear me. You are a strong, independent woman. You walked away from a marriage and you bought a farm. You opened up a business that you're running on your own. You're raising a fine, strong daughter. I didn't help you with any of those things. No one did."

  "I got a divorce settlement from Tom."

  He shrugged. "That's just money. Money doesn't buy stability and love and the vital things you need to be successful. Some women take money from a divorce and go on vacations and buy fancy houses. You didn't do that. You've built a rock-solid foundation for you and for Hazel. And she'll see that as she grows up. She'll see a mother who works hard, who provides a stable home environment, and who loves her unconditionally. Whether there's a man in her mother's life or not, she'll look to you as her role model.