Love Me Again

by Jaci Burton

  "You make all these speeches about being an independent woman, but I think you've got too many other voices in your head telling you how you're supposed to live your life. I don't know if they're voices from your past or from right now causing all this indecision, but I'm not going to be one of those voices holding you back from having what you think you really need."

  He moved away from her. "I hear what you're saying. I understand, so I'm going to take a step back and give you the space you've asked for. Before I do, I'll tell you that I love you. I love Hazel. I want to be part of your future. But if that's not a future you see, then you need to let me know."

  He turned around and walked out the door. She stood frozen to the kitchen floor, unable to move, even after she heard his truck start up and she saw the headlights pulling away from her driveway.

  He hadn't yelled at her. There'd been no argument. He'd listened to her, then he'd told her he loved her.

  And then he'd left her.

  Which was what she wanted, right? Time and space to think, to breathe, to gain back that independence she'd fought so hard for.

  She looked around at her silent, empty house, and suddenly realized that independence felt hollow and lonely.

  What had she done?

  Chapter 35

  * * *

  DEACON HAD POURED himself into work over the past three days. Fortunately, there was a lot of it to be done. New jobs were starting up, so he assigned one of the other project managers to the building next to Loretta's, deliberately avoiding the possibility of running into her or Hazel. There was trim work and painting going on, and his project manager could handle the supervision of that while he began construction at Brady Conners's place.

  Loretta had asked for space, so he made sure he was going to give it to her.

  He stopped before lunch at the construction of the new physicians' building Reid was managing. Reid was upstairs on the second floor where walls were going up.

  "This is looking good."

  Reid nodded. "Coming along. I saw on the staff-planning document that you have Leon over on the Harden building this week."

  "Yeah. I wanted to get a look at the startup of Brady Conners's motorcycle shop, so I thought I'd supervise that for a few days."

  "Uh-huh. Sure."

  He could tell Reid wasn't buying it, but he also knew his friend and partner wouldn't question him on anything of a personal nature unless Deacon brought it up.

  They dove in and helped with putting up walls for a while, then Reid turned to him.

  "Lunch?"

  "Sure."

  Since Deacon would head back to his own job site after lunch, they drove separately to Bert's diner, parked, and went inside.

  Reid waved to Anita, the waitress who'd been there as long as he could remember, then they took seats at one of the booths.

  Anita came over and pulled a pencil from her hair. "Hey, guys. What'll it be today?"

  If you ate at Bert's long enough, and he'd been eating there since he was a kid, you never had to look at a menu.

  "I'll have the chicken salad and an iced tea," Deacon said.

  "Cheeseburger for me, with fries and an iced tea," Reid said.

  Anita jotted it all down. "Be right back with those drinks."

  They talked about work for a while, and Reid mentioned a potential new job they might want to bid on. Anita brought their drinks, and Deacon took a sip of his.

  "It's a big job," Reid said. "Eight-story structure, plus parking garage. Think we can handle it?"

  "We might need to bring in additional people to help on it, but it sounds like a good job. I'll need to see the specs before I make a decision."

  "I'll e-mail those over to you. I just got a line on it today, so I haven't really looked over it fully myself. Maybe we could meet at the office early tomorrow morning and go over the details?"

  Meeting at the office meant meeting at the same building where Loretta's bookstore was located. He supposed he couldn't avoid going there forever. "Sure. Six thirty sound good to you?"

  "That'll work. And maybe you can avoid Loretta if you sneak in early enough."

  "I'm not avoiding her."

  "Sure you are. That Harden building project has been your baby since the day the bid came in. And just like that you turn it over to Leon?"

  He toyed with the straw in his glass. "Okay, so maybe I am avoiding her a little. She asked for some space."

  "Uh-oh. That's never a good thing. Did you two have a fight?"

  "No. I think she's just unsure of herself. She's big on wanting independence."

  "Oh, and you're a man. She's probably had enough of male influence in her life, what with her dad, who's an overbearing piece of work, then her ex, who was even worse."

  "Yeah. I love her, she loves me, and she's afraid to make another mistake."

  "Understandable. She hurt you before. She probably doesn't want to hurt you again."

  "Yeah." He hated to admit how much not seeing her and Hazel hurt, though. But he had agreed to give her space, and that's what he'd do. For however long it took her to figure out what she wanted.

  "So give her some space. Loretta strikes me as the kind of woman who'll come to the right conclusion on her own."

  "You think so?"

  Reid grinned at him. "Yeah, I think so."

  Reid had no idea how much that pep talk had helped. Not that it would change how Loretta felt, but it was good for his own mind-set.

  In the meantime, there was work. And he had plenty of that to keep himself occupied, so maybe he wouldn't have to spend every waking moment of every day thinking about Loretta.

  *

  "MAMA, WHY HASN'T Deacon been around?"

  Loretta froze as she finished unpacking the groceries. She knew Hazel was going to eventually ask the question, but she hadn't yet figured out how she was going to answer it.

  "Uh, I guess he's been busy at work."

  "He hasn't been over at the building next door. But they're still working on it."

  She'd noticed that as well. "Oh, really? Well, maybe he has another project to work on."

  Hazel came up beside her. "But he hasn't come over here. Is he mad at us?"

  Loretta looked down at Hazel. "No, baby. He is not mad at us. We just had a talk and I told him I needed some time to think about a few things."

  Hazel frowned. "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

  "It's hard to explain. Grown-up things."

  Hazel wrinkled her nose. "Oh. Like how you and Daddy used to fight. Those kinds of grown-up things."

  "No, Hazel. It's not like that at all. Deacon and I did not fight, and my relationship with him is nothing like my relationship was with your dad."

  "If it's different, then why isn't he here? He's not gonna leave like Daddy did, is he?"

  Her heart twisted. "No. He wouldn't do that. He loves you."

  "I love him, too, Mama. I was kind of hoping he could move in here and be here all the time. He said he'd help with my soccer. And school's starting soon, and Deacon said he really liked social studies when he was in school and you know I'm not so good at it, and he said he'd help me."

  She heard the tremor in her daughter's voice, and it ripped her already fractured heart to shreds.

  "I'm sure you'll see him again really soon."

  It was the only promise she could make to her daughter right now, because at the moment she had no idea what she was going to do about Deacon. She thought she'd made the right decision in giving herself some space, but all that had done was left her more confused than ever.

  The things he had said to her had resonated, and had given her a lot to think about.

  But she was still afraid of making the wrong choices. And she wasn't in a hurry to make decisions--not when those decisions would affect her daughter.

  Hazel and Otis went outside to play, so Loretta took that opportunity to go into Hazel's room to strip her bed and wash her sheets.

  A book fell out of her twisted pile of blankets
, so Loretta picked it up to put it on her shelf.

  She realized it was a journal. She'd had no idea Hazel was writing in a journal. She took a moment to flip through the pages, enjoying the messy doodles Hazel had drawn in there. Her thoughts were happy, and that made Loretta happy, too. When she landed on a page that was titled "Fun Things to Do with Daddy Someday," her chest tightened.

  Picnic at the lake

  Popcorn and movies

  Camping

  Learn to fish

  Oh, God.

  Tom had never done any of these things with Hazel.

  But Deacon had.

  She laid her hand on her heart, feeling a swell of emotion so strong it made her dizzy.

  From the very beginning, Deacon had been the one to step up, to be there for Hazel and for her.

  There was no loss of her independence in her relationship with Deacon. It had only added to her strength as a woman and a mother. He'd done nothing but encourage her to be the best person she could be. And what had she done? She'd asked him to leave her alone.

  God, she was a terrible person.

  And he still loved her. After all of this, everything in the past and even now, he loved her. She'd hurt him so badly all those years ago. The last thing she ever wanted to do was hurt him again. But she'd done it by pushing him away.

  "You are such an idiot," she whispered to herself. "Here you are, waiting for . . . what? Some sign from God or a shooting star telling you what the right move is?"

  The only person who could make that decision for her was her. And it was high time she did that. That's what independence was all about. Making her own choices.

  And she finally had clarity, finally knew what that choice was.

  Chapter 36

  * * *

  DEACON HAD BEEN surprised to get a text from Loretta asking him to come to the farm on Saturday night.

  It had been over a week since he'd last seen her. He wasn't sure what the invitation meant, but since she hadn't texted him telling him it was over, he had some hope.

  Then again, she could be asking him over to break up with him. Loretta would do that in person.

  That's what she'd done the last time. He dragged in a deep breath and drove over there, determined to see this out, no matter what.

  He showed up at the farm at seven and knocked at the door.

  "Door's open," he heard her holler.

  He rolled his eyes and walked in. "I could be a serial killer, you know."

  She laughed as she walked down the hall. "But you're not."

  Her laughter was an encouraging sign.

  "We had this discussion before about you locking the door, right?" Not a good way to start the conversation, he knew, but he couldn't help but bring it up.

  She walked up to him and wrapped her hand around the nape of his neck, brushing her lips across his. "Yes, and I keep forgetting. What would I do without you?"

  She'd caught him off guard with the kiss, but he was fully on board when she pressed her body against his. He wrapped an arm around her and tugged her closer, deepening the kiss even more when she moaned.

  But then she stepped back. "So, I've done a lot of thinking."

  "Obviously."

  She took his hand and led him to the living room, where she had a bottle of open wine and two glasses, along with a fruit and cheese tray. "Hazel's at my parents' house spending the night. I even forced Otis on them, much to their profound displeasure."

  His lips twitched. "I can't imagine their horror."

  She laughed. "Right?"

  She poured wine into the glasses and handed him one. "First, an apology for the past week. I was in my own head and got confused."

  "You don't owe me an apology, Loretta. You had a lot on your mind."

  "But I took it out on you. Like I did before. I seem to always hurt you. Why do you keep forgiving me?"

  He looked at her. "Because I love you."

  Her eyes filled with tears. "This would be a lot easier on me if you were mean or got mad."

  He laughed. "You want me to be mean?"

  "Well, no. I love you because of who you are--because of who you've always been. But I keep making all these mistakes, and you're so damn perfect all the time. It's hard to live up to that."

  He set his glass on the table, and hers as well, then he took her hands in his. "Loretta. I am far from perfect. That might be your perception of me right now, but trust me, I'm not. I have so many flaws you'll need to make a list of them. I can get grumpy as hell when things don't go the way I want them to. I have a short fuse, and when my temper blows, it's ugly. So when you're ready to pick a real fight with me, we'll fight. And then we'll make up and it'll be over, because I don't hold a grudge."

  She inhaled deeply, then nodded. "Okay. I'll hold you to that."

  "You do that."

  "I love you, Deacon. And I was afraid because I had this image of what my life as an independent woman was supposed to look like. And it wasn't supposed to include falling in love again. But it happened, and then I got scared because I thought I was doing it all wrong. Instead, I did it all right. I've done it all right, and you're the one who showed me that. I guess I was waiting for some sign from the universe or someone to tell me, hey, it's okay to love someone, to lean on someone. And then I realized the only person who has to be all right with that is me."

  His lips curved. "You finally figured that out, huh?"

  "Yes. I guess I spent so much of my life having people tell me what to do and how to feel that I was waiting for that again. And you never told me how to feel or what to do. Another reason I love you."

  "Maybe I am damn near perfect."

  She laughed. "Well, we'll see. But I do love you. And Hazel loves you. And it's high time we start planning a future together. If that's what you want."

  He drew her against him and kissed her, his heart filled with so much emotion he wasn't sure he knew what to do with all of it. When he pulled away, he stared into the depths of Loretta's beautiful amber eyes, knowing that this time, things were going to work out for them.

  "You were my beginning, Loretta. And if you'll have me, you'll be my end. We've had some rocky parts in the middle, but if it's worth having, it's worth those raging waters that we'll have to ford. I've loved you almost half my life. Even when you were gone all those years, you were always in my heart. I tried my best to deny it, but you were there. You will always be in my heart, and that's never going to change. I won't promise you perfection, but I will promise you that I'll be faithful and loyal, and I promise I will love you forever."

  Loretta's tears burst forth. She leaned against Deacon and shook as she cried.

  He held her. "I made you cry. That wasn't what I was trying to do."

  She lifted her gaze to his. "These are the happiest tears I've ever shed. I love you so much, Deacon."

  He swiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her, and the kisses turned into passion. He laid her flat on the sofa and covered her body with his, unable to keep his hands from roaming her body. She touched him, too, and her sweet hands were a balm to his tortured senses. He'd missed her so much this past week, and had worried he'd never be able to kiss or touch her again.

  So he took his time now, shedding first his clothes, then hers, until they were both naked and entwined on the sofa. He grabbed a condom from her bedroom, and then he slid inside of her, feeling how perfect it was to be with this woman he loved.

  They moved in unison, touching and kissing each other as he thrust slowly into her, his gaze locked with hers. It was intimate in a way he could have never imagined it would be with someone. But he'd never loved someone like he loved Loretta.

  And when the intensity grew, she was right there with him, clutching him, panting, and crying out as she came. He went there, too, shuddering out his orgasm as her name fell from his lips.

  After, they cuddled naked on the couch, neither of them in any hurry to move.

  "Will you move in here with me?" she asked.
/>
  He kissed the top of her head. "I'd really love to do that. Will you be all right with that with Hazel being here?"

  She tilted her head back to look at him. "Hazel wants us to get married and have babies. I think she'll be fine with you moving in here."

  "Let's do that, then."

  "Okay, when would you like to move in?"

  "No, the other part. Let's get married and have babies. Hazel needs a little brother or sister."

  She lifted her head to look at him. "Seriously?"

  "It's not the proposal I had in mind, but I've waited a lifetime to be with you, Loretta. I don't want to wait any longer. Will you marry me?"

  She rolled over on top of him. "As proposals go, Deacon, it's perfect. And yes. How about tomorrow?"

  He laughed. "Maybe not tomorrow, but next week, next month, whenever. I'm yours. First, though, we should probably tell Hazel."

  "She'll be so excited."

  "And we'll be a family."

  She swept her hand down his cheek. "We already are."

  He wasn't sure when he'd been this happy. Probably never.

  All he knew was he had the woman of his dreams and the daughter he never realized he could love so much.

  Life was good. Damn near perfect. And was only going to get better from here.

  TURN THE PAGE TO READ A SPECIAL EXCERPT FROM THE NEXT PLAY-BY-PLAY NOVEL BY JACI BURTON

  The Final Score

  COMING SOON FROM BERKLEY

  "SO, HERE WE are, once again living in the same city." Mia Cassidy took a sip of her green tea and looked over at Nathan Riley. "How did that happen?"

  Nathan, the epitome of tall, dark haired, well muscled, and absolutely hot, leaned back in his chair and grinned at her. "Easy. You're obsessed with me so you followed me here."

  She laughed. "I don't think so. You knew I was thinking of starting a business here so you decided you had to get drafted by the San Francisco Sabers."

  Nathan took a swallow of his iced tea and laid the glass down. Mia tracked the movement of his hands. He had really big hands. She remembered that night a few years ago in college when he'd used his hands to touch her--all over. They'd only had that one night together, but it sure had been memorable.

  Yeah, the guy had magnificent hands.

  "I've been here a year already, Mia. You just got here. So like I said, you followed me."