Love Me Always (I Hate You...I Think)

by Davis, Anna

  "Ever?" Oliver knocked on the bathroom door.

  I opened the door and looked up at him giving him a smile but it was weak. "You sleepy baby girl?" he asked cupping my cheek in his hand. He wasn't going to bring up the almost kiss, that I was grateful for. I nodded sinking into his arms. He was so warm and soft.

  "Well, if you want to change into a shirt of mine you can. I'm going to tell everyone to leave us alone. I'm pretty tired to...if you don't mind me...umm…laying with you," he muttered scratching the back of his head.

  I hugged him around the waist burying my face into his shirt and inhaling his smell.

  "I want you to stay with me," I told him. Maybe with him by my side I wouldn't have the nightmares, but I couldn't fight the sleep any longer.

  He headed down stairs and I changed into one of his shirts and a pair of his boxers throwing my shirt and pants from the other night into his laundry basket.

  Pulling his covers back, I crawled under and snuggled into his pillows. Everything smelled of him. It made me smile. I loved his smell. I want so desperately to have my memories back. I want him back. I can't deny the feelings I have for him.

  One more date with Harper. I just needed one more date. If I don't get any more memories back after being near him then I'll ditch him but If I do get memories...I have to keep it up. No matter how much I don’t like him. It's for Oliver...for us.

  ~Oliver~ I walked back into my bedroom to find Ever sound asleep. She was curled in a little ball with her back facing me. Changing into some shorts and pulling off my shirt I crawled under the covers with her scooting as close to her as possible. In her sleep, she mumbled and reached back grabbing my arm. She pulled it to her chest and cuddled it. Chuckling I brushed her hair off her cheek and neck placing a kiss along her jaw under her ear.

  Her skin was so soft and smooth under my lips. I couldn't resist running my lips over her skin along her jaw to her throat. It was like velvet.

  Sliding my other arm under her head, I pulled her tight against my body. She fit perfectly against me thus proving further that she belonged with me. She was mine and I was hers. I would always be hers even after the day I died my soul would still belong to her. Always.

  I was such a dumb ass to turn to drugs when she rejected me. It just hurt so badly. I mean I know she doesn't remember me but that doesn't make any of this easier. I want so bad to kiss her, to touch her, to love her the way I use to but right now-.

  Looking down at her pale cheeks and the dark circles under her eyes made my heartache. She was so fragile, emotionally and physically right now. She needs me more than ever. Instead of taking it, slow and trying to take her on dates like those that I used to, I just cut all ties.

  Yeah it's been a week since I last saw her, but before that it was a month. This is the hardest experience I have ever had to deal with.

  Ever cringed in her sleep and started murmuring. Kissing her cheek she calmed and the crease between her eyes brows smoothed out. Sighing I laid my head down on a pillow shutting my eyes. We would take it one-step at a time. I will help her know me. I know she already loves me. Why would she be here if she didn't? Memories or not love doesn't go away.

  I was jolted awake by a blood-curdling scream. Ever was thrashing frantically in my arms. Her nails clawed into my arm.

  "Ever!" I tightened my arms around her trying to calm her. She continued to scream and kick.

  "Don't hurt me! Please!" She cried clawing at my arms.

  "Ever, wake up!" I ordered as calmly as possible. She was having a nightmare.

  "Please let me go, Eien," she begged. I froze. My bedroom door bust open and in came the guys with any weapon they could find. Given a different situation I would have bust out laughing at the fact Jake had a silver high heel shoe in his hand. Ever wouldn't wake up and her pleas for help were more desperate.

  Taking her small body in my arms, I held her to my chest not letting her move. She struggling decreased, she began to give up. A few moments later her eyes fluttered open they were glistening with unshed tears.

  The guys looked at each other not knowing whether to leave or not. Their thoughts were answered when Kimmy grabbed Alex by his ear and led him out of the room. She shooed out the others. Leon was the last to close the door. He gave me a meaningful look. We had talked earlier this morning about Ever not sleeping. He had guessed she was having nightmares but I had no idea they were this bad.

  She refused to release me. Her arms wrapped tightly around my back her face hidden against my shirt. I'm not sure how long we sat like that before she pulled back.

  "I need to go home," she told me wiping her face and looking away from me.

  Grabbing her chin, I made her meet my eyes. "Ever, I don't want you to leave."

  "I need to Oliver," she told me her voice cracking.

  I knew she didn't want to leave. Perhaps she was ashamed of the fact she had nightmares. "Baby girl, you don't need to be ashamed of your dreams," I told her softly, "You have been through a lot. It's normal."

  I couldn't stand the look of torture and pain on her face. Looking away, I just held her. I didn't want her to leave. I wasn't ready to be away from her again.

  "Oliver, please. I just want to go home. It's not the dreams. Just please," she begged. I dropped my arms releasing her. I couldn't say anything. I just needed to let her go. That's what she wanted wasn't it?

  She got up and grabbing her clothes and headed into the bathroom. I just sat on the bed not moving. Buzzing sounded. I looked over to see my cell phone was blank.

  "Hello," Ever answered from the bathroom. Her voice was cracking.

  "Yeah, tomorrow is fine," she said. "Ok...yeah. See you then." Tomorrow? Who was she going with tomorrow? Jealously boiled inside me. Maybe it was one of the girls. Maybe they wanted to hang out and have a day together tomorrow? That had to be it. But, somewhere inside of me screamed lies. She was seeing someone else.

  Bile rose in my throat. My girl was seeing someone else. Was that why she was struggling? A part of her still loves me but she's found someone else?

  Ever came out a moment later. She didn't look at me.

  "Bye," she whispered. "Who's taking you home?" I asked. Inside I cringed. My voice sounded so empty. She cringed too.

  "I'm sure Jake will," she told me and scurried out of the room. I should have kissed her when I had a chance. I know I should have. Why am I such a fool?

  ~Ever~ I stood outside Oliver's room for a second. His emotionless tone made me want to start crying again. He must have heard me talking to Harper, making a date with him for tomorrow. Am I making the wrong decision? What if by going with Harper I lose Oliver?

  Jake opened his bedroom door.

  "Hey?" he said looking at me.

  "Can you take me home?" I asked. He nodded.

  "Give me a sec."

  He turned around and headed back into the room.

  "Hey babe," he said softly.

  "Hmm," I heard Taylor say.

  "I'm going to take Ever home."

  "I wanna come," she said and I saw her start to sit up. He pushed her back down. "Not right now, baby girl. Let me just take her home. She's pretty upset." Jake kissed her head. Taylor didn't argue she just looked passed him to where I stood.

  She gave a small wave. I returned it weakly. I kind of wanted Taylor to come but the less people I drag through my issues the better. I didn't need Taylor worrying about me. She and Jake were happy. She didn't need my problems.

  ~What Lies Beneath~

  Jake was silent as he took me home. He glanced at me every now and then but said nothing.

  "Jake?" I asked softly.

  "Hmm?"

  "Do you think I'm an awful person?"

  "What?" he questioned confused and upset, "Of course you're not."

  "I'm hurting him. I don't mean to, but I'm ripping him apart. I can see it."

  "He loves you. He loves you a lot, Ever. He would do anything for you." "I know he would that's why this is hurting him so
bad. He will do anything for me and I can't remember him. How can I not remember him after everything we have been through?"

  "It just happens that way sweetie. There's no sense and crying over what has been, or what could be. Now, this moment, is what you need to be living for. Not yesterday or tomorrow. You need to think about right this second. And, right this second you are hurting just as much as he is. Don't beat yourself up over something that has already happened. You make now better and worry about everything else later. You need to heal you before you can heal him."

  I stared out the window letting Jake's words sink in. He's right. How can I help Oliver when I can't help myself?

  "Hey." I turned and looked at Jake. He glanced from the road to me, "I care about you Ever. You're my baby sister. No if, ands, or buts, about it. I love you until the ends of the Earth too. I know Oliver will be just fine; it's you I'm worried about. We all know you haven't been sleeping and earlier you just about clawed Oliver's arm off. What's going on with you? What are you having nightmares about?"

  Avoiding his eyes, I sighed. It's not a secret so why hide it from him? I thought mentally. "I've been dreaming about a boy hurting me...a lot. But, I don't know who he is," I muttered thinking back to my dream earlier.

  He had been beating me and holding me down. He just wouldn't stop and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't do anything no matter how hard I fought. He scared me so bad and I don't even know why.

  "What does he look like? Is it Jason you're seeing?" Jake replied in a worried tone. I shook my head, "He has black hair with a red streak through it...and his eyes...they're so...empty. It's like he's not," I shook my head again to get his image out of my mind but it wouldn't go away. His eyes were empty, completely void of compassion or any emotion at all.

  "That's Eien," Jake muttered his eyes darkened, "You're dreaming of Eien."

  "The boy who shot me," I stated.

  Jake nodded pulling into a parking spot at my apartments. He cut off the car and faced me. "What have you been dreaming about? I mean what has he been doing?" Jake had a serious look on his face.

  "The first time I dreamed about him...he...he shot me. Tonight I tried to run away but it was as if everything was in slow motion and I couldn't. When he caught me he beat me until I couldn't move, I couldn't think."

  Jake was silent for a long moment. "Ever, I want you to know that I knew Eien for a long time," he paused. "He was an asshole. He was a coward. He was many things but Oliver took him in. He trusted him he did everything he could for the kid. Eien came from a broken home. All of us did, and Oliver took us in. He was our best friend and sometimes like a father figure. Sure, he's the same age as some of us but everyone in the gang will tell you that Oliver did something for everyone of them. He'd give you the shirt off his back if it was the last thing he had and you needed one."

  "Now I don't know what you heard about Eien from Kimmy or any of the other guys but I'll tell you I never liked him. I mean sure I got along with him but he was useless. He never fought, he always ran off when you needed him. But, none of that matters. See Oliver saved his life. Eien was being abused...sexually by his own father. His mother turned a blind eye to anything that was going on. Oliver, Jason and I had just started up a gang of our own. Oliver moved out here to get away from the big city. His father had just gone to prison and a lot of things were going on."

  "Anyways, the three of us were just starting off and getting into things here. We were going to fight clubs in abandoned houses or racing in the streets just to earn money and respect. Oliver had already been in it and knew what he was doing. Eien's dad was a bookie. He dragged Eien along with him to the races. That's how we met him. Eien idolized Oliver because Oliver didn't give a fuck about what anyone thought. He didn't put up with nothing and he'd fight someone at the drop of a hat, but that was also the drugs talking."

  "Eien started hanging around more and more and then suddenly stopped. Oliver felt sorry for him and wanted to know why cause Eien's dad kept showing up. Anyways, long story short Oliver found out what Eien's dad had been doing to him and put an end to it real quick. Then he offered Eien a place to stay."

  "Like I said though, Eien was useless. Couldn't race for shit. Couldn't fight. Well he could but when the time called for real fighting, he'd always bail. So no one ever depended on him."

  "Why are you telling me all this?" I asked.

  Jake gave a soft smile. "Well, you know about why Eien went crazy on you right?" "Yeah, he was in Jason's gang. Jason got in a fight with Oliver a long time ago and started his own gang and Eien was one of his guys."

  Jake shook his head. "Eien was in love with Oliver."

  I gaped at Jake, "What?" He nodded, "After he shot you he turned himself in. Oliver had some connections in jail and got to meet with Eien face to face. Although there was a glass wall between them and that is when Eien told him, he loved him. That he tried to kill you because he wanted Oliver to himself."

  I was too shocked to speak. I hadn't heard that part of the story.

  "What did Oliver say to him?" "He told him he was fucking crazy like he should have. However, Eien pulled out a knife and took his own life."

  "Wow...really? Just because Oliver rejected him?" "Well he was detoxing off of a shit load of drugs and liquor. That's why he shot you. He was blown out of his mind."

  "That blood stain in the living room at Oliver’s. The one you guys tried to cover with that ugly rug. That was where he shot me, wasn't it?"

  Jake nodded, "Sweetie, I think you can't remember because you don't want to remember what happened that day. And, these dreams you are having are stemmed from that. When you are able to remember what happened I think you will get your memories back."

  "Tyler kind of said the same thing too," I sighed. "You can't comfort him in reality so I think you need to in your subconscious. Right now he's the dark cloud that's hanging over you and until you push through him...there is no you and Oliver. You two will continue this pattern you have of walking around each other on tip toes not wanting to hurt the other's feelings."

  I nodded, "I love you Jake," I told him reaching across the console wrapping my arms around his neck.

  "I love you too sweetie." "You probably want me to let you go so you can go be with Tater tots, huh?" I teased releasing him.

  He gave me a wry grin.

  "Why do you call her Tater tot?"

  "Let's just say we started out eating tater tots and-"

  "NO!" I plugged my ears. "I don't want to know. Never mind."

  "You asked," he winked.

  "You're awful, Jake," I wacked him in the arm and threw the door open.

  "Good night, Rabbit," Jake called.

  "Rabbit?"

  "Yeah, Oliver nicknamed you Bunny. So we call you Rabbit," Jake smiled.

  "That explains why he called me Bun. Do I have a nickname for him?" I asked awkwardly.

  "Raccoon," Jake laughed.

  I laughed to, that totally fit Oliver.

  "Night Jake," I told him still laughing and closed the door. I was sweating. I could feel my hair matted to my forehead. Twisting in the blankets, I slid back into the darkness.

  ~~~ I was in a house. It was Oliver's house but there were so many rooms and doors that lead to endless halls. I was searching for someone, anyone, but no one was home. The house was eerily quiet, and dark. I made my way down stairs into the living room and started for a light when it suddenly clicked on and light flooded the room. I stopped instantly frozen in shock and terror staring at the couch where Eien sat, staring back with a gun pointed right at me. Rooted to spot, I couldn't move, couldn’t scream. It's a dream I told myself. It's just a dream. It's not real. He can't hurt you.

  A pop resounded around the room. A bright flash of light and searing pain, fire ripped through my chest. My breath caught in my throat, slamming me to the floor. I struggled to breathe, to think. Warm liquid filled my throat, I was choking on it, coughing, I tried forcing it out of my mouth so I could breath.
>
  Everything was fuzzy, white lights danced in my vision. A black shadow loomed over me; vaguely I could make out Eien's face. The gun. If this is a dream why does it hurt so much! It's a memory, my thoughts echoed in my head. More flashes of light. More ripping pain. I coughed and spurted up blood. I couldn't breathe. Eien kicked me over on my side. The blood ran out of my mouth then and I could get air but my breathing was shallow.

  I felt him kneel beside me his face close to my ear. "You are nothing. You are going to die and you will never see him again. He is mine you fucking whore. Do you hear me! He was mine before you ever got here!"

  This isn't real, I told myself. I'm not hurt. I'm lying in my bedroom. This isn't real. "He is not yours," I told Eien taking a breath. My breathing was getting less painful. "He will never be yours. Even if I die, he will still love me. He promised me forever. Not you. You are dead, and this is just a memory.”

  I was less than thrilled to be getting ready for my date with Harper. I knew I should be with Oliver. I felt it in every fiber of my being that I needed to be with him.

  Glancing at myself in the mirror I fixed my bangs then smoothed out my tank top. My black skinny jeans were tucked into my knee-high boots. Harper had said to wear something that wouldn't be loose and catch on anything. I wasn't sure why, nor bothered to ask. I probably should have.

  Leaning my hands on the bathroom counter I looked at myself in the mirror. I needed more sleep, but I had had the best sleep I’ve had in a long time. He was gone. I had done it. I had faced him. Eien was gone.

  There was a knock on my apartment door. I headed to the door and pulled it open plastering a smile on my face. Harper was standing there in a pair of tight black pants, his lime green and black leather jacket and a helmet under his left arm. In his, other hand he had another helmet this one had pink flames down the side. I wasn't a fan of pink. "You look very nice," he told me looking

  down my body. If it had been Oliver I would have blushed and maybe if I weren't in such a pissy ass mood I would have muttered a thank you. However, something inside of me was on fire tonight.