Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  I rolled my eyes and moved to the fridge, "Of course, Mom. Anything for you."

  She laughed loudly and then we cooked. I chopped chicken for her famous Chicken Alfredo and started on the French bread that was to be buttered and set aside to bake at the last minute so it would be fresh. When I started on the vegetables, she slyly brought up the boxes that I hadn't asked about.

  "So, I was going through some stuff in the attic and ran across some old pictures. The ones you took in high school for the yearbook committee?"

  "Ugh, seriously? Those were awful. I was the worst photographer they had." I chuckled at the memory of my advisor looking at most of the pictures wondering what they were. I told them many times to just let me format everything and design the pages, but they didn't have enough photographers so they didn't have a choice.

  Charlie used to tease me about it whenever he helped me organize and label the pictures. He ended up taking a lot of them for me so the people in them could actually be seen.

  "Oh, you weren't that bad, dear," Mom said hesitantly.

  "Ha! Yeah I was."

  "Well, regardless, I found them all. You should go out there and go through them. It would be good to remember all the good times you had." She hadn't looked at me yet which made me all the more suspicious. She was good.

  Since no one else was really around, I decided it was safe and left the kitchen to rifle through some boxes. The first one I went through were of Trevor on the football team and all his trophies and plaques. Nothing interesting for me.

  The next box was full of papers and assignments from my whole school career that Mom had filed away and written little notes about. She was good with stuff like that. Every time we gave a speech or performed something in front of an audience, she took pictures and wrote down everything that happened and how proud she had felt. All of that was neatly organized in several thick binders and labeled accordingly. I had to laugh. Maybe one day I would be motivated enough to do that for my kids.

  Then I thought, how could I possibly have kids if I can barely manage myself.

  I started going through another box to distract myself from the very idea and pulled out a few photo albums. As I started turning pages, the memories came flooding back to me and I was giggling at the ridiculous poses Trevor and I used to make for pictures.

  Mom came out a minute later and sat beside me, laughing and telling me the details of each picture. Her memory was like a steel vault. Whatever got in, never came out.

  I picked up another album which consisted of my high school years and there they were, the awful pictures I had taken of Trevor or Mom or Charlie. Heads were cut off, faces were blurry, and some of them were unrecognizable. Of course, Mom had written down who or what it was right beside each picture. I turned the pages and saw some of me and Charlie standing on the beach by the lake, wrestling on the couch, or sleeping out on the back deck. He used to stay over a lot during the summer when his mom went on her vacations and some of my best memories were of those late nights. I used to tell him my deepest, darkest secrets on nights like that. I smiled at that memory. He had been everything to me. My best friend, my shoulder to cry on, the one person I could always be myself around. I had been so in love with him, but never had the courage to tell him for fear of ruining something so important to me.

  It was in the past now. You can't change the past.

  I turned the page again and saw a picture I didn't recognize. Two figures were standing at the end of the dock where Charlie and I always used to go. They were wrapped around each other, sunset in the background, making the figures into a silhouette so you couldn't make out the faces. The taller figure was leaned down kissing the smaller figure on the forehead. It was so romantic and I felt a tingle in my spine looking at it.

  "Who are these people?" I asked, running my finger over the figures in the center.

  She didn't say anything for a few seconds until I looked up at her to make sure she heard my question. Her eyes were wide and anxious. "You don't remember at all?"

  I shook my head, "No. Did I take this of Trevor and one of his girlfriends or something? I don't think I would have made it look that good."

  "Tess, that's not Trevor." I looked back down at the picture and tried to make out the faces. I couldn't, but the shape of them looked so familiar and the tingling in my spine spread into my chest. Then my mother softly said the words that changed everything. "That's you… and Charlie."

  I froze as the surge of panic creeped over me. "What?"

  "That's you and Charlie, dear. You both had gone to the lake earlier that day and when I came to pick you up, that's what you were doing." She looked down at the picture again and sighed. "I couldn't help myself. It was so beautiful, I just had to capture the moment." Her voice was quiet and she was speaking slowly like she was trying to calm a frightened animal. In the background somewhere, I heard the front door open and close and a deep voice. Trevor had shown up, but I didn't dare look up. I was engrossed with the picture in front of me

  My heart pounded against my chest like a sledgehammer and I shook my head. "How can that be? These two people look like they are… in love. Charlie and I never…" I looked back at her and the look on her face was full of pain and regret. "Mom? This can't be me and Charlie. I would have remembered something like that. You know I would have!"

  "It's us, Tess."

  That voice.

  I looked over and saw that it wasn't just Trevor and Ellie that had arrived. Charlie was standing in front of me with his hands shoved in his pockets looking like he just stepped out of "World's Sexiest Man" magazine. He looked cautious as I met his green eyed gaze. The flicker in his eyes told me he was telling the truth.

  "I don't understand," I said, looking back down at the picture. "I don't remember this. Charlie, I would have remembered something like this." My eyes went blurry from the threat of tears, but I quickly blinked them away and put the album down on the coffee table like it was a bomb ready to destroy everything I ever knew. My hands were shaking and my mind was racing, trying to dig up the memory that would have stayed with me forever.

  If Charlie had ever held me like that before, I would have locked it up inside my head and never let it out. It would have been the best day of my life. It would have meant happiness for the rest of my life. Whatever happened… I had no memory of and I wanted to run away from the implication that there were other things I didn't know, didn't remember.

  "It's us. I know now why you don't remember," he said softly and knelt in front of me, pulling the album off the table and holding it up to study the picture. He touched it lightly running his finger down the image of the smaller figure and grinned. "That was the scariest and happiest day of my life."

  I felt like I was having an out of body experience. Like I was looking down from the ceiling and watching the scene play out in front of me. My face looked ridiculous and Mom looked like she was about to pass out. I ignored the image of Trevor and Ellie standing off to the side because she was doing what she always did, studying her nail polish.

  But Charlie. Charlie was something else. He was gorgeous kneeling on the ground in front of me and looking down at the tender moment in his hands. He looked happy.

  I could barely take in a breath and realized I was gasping loudly for air when my mom put her hand on my back and rubbed up and down. "I… I don't… what happened? Tell me… please." I clutched my chest and kept staring down at Charlie.

  I had to get a hold of myself. Deep breaths, clear head, don't switch, don't switch, for the love of God, don't switch.

  He nodded and glanced at my mother. "It's time, Sarah, but I think we need to be alone."

  She stood quickly and ushered Trevor and Ellie through the kitchen and to the back deck before I could process what he had said.

  "Time?" I breathed.

  "Yes. It's been too long." He shook his head and irritation flashed over his face. "I want you to know that I begged your mom, begged her, to let me tell you. She made me pr
omise, though. I keep my promises, Tess." His hand had moved to my knee and he squeezed gently.

  "I know that," I said confidently. He did keep his promises. Every single one of them. Never made a promise he wouldn't keep and it's one of the reasons I loved him so much.

  "We had gone to the lake late that morning," he began nervously, "and spent the day swimming and just doing whatever. No one else was out there and it was really the first time we had ever been completely alone out there. You wore this white bikini with pink polka dots and I couldn't take my eyes off of you all day." He paused and looked back down at the picture for a minute before closing the album and setting it aside.

  He moved closer until my knees were pressed against his stomach and grasped both of my hands in his, lifted them to his lips and kissed my knuckles softly. My stomach fluttered and I fought the urge to close my eyes. Charlie was always a touchy feely kind of guy, but the way he held my hands, the way his warm lips moved over my knuckles, it was almost too much.

  "I had been in love with you for years, Tess. I told you that day," he said huskily.

  I felt my eyes widen and my mouth gape open. "You did?" I could barely hear my own voice as I processed the one thing I had always wanted to hear him say. He had been in love with me? How could I have missed that?

  He nodded, "Yes, I did. I told you that ever since I saw you in the 4th grade playing hopscotch with Amanda Jones, you had me wrapped around your finger. I told you that the day after Michael Stower pushed you down and I saved you, I found him and thanked him for being a jerk because it meant I got to be your friend, then I punched him in the nose and told him that if he was ever a jerk to you again, I would do more than make him eat sand."

  My lips twitched, begging me to let them form a smile, but I refused them. I couldn't take my eyes away from the green ones that were holding me in place. His jaw flexed and his throat contracted as he swallowed.

  "I told you that it killed me every time you went out on a date with some jerk, but that it killed me even more when that jerk broke your heart, like it wasn't the most precious thing in the world. I told you that I would do anything to make you happy and I wanted to be the one to make you happy for the rest of your life." He dropped his head and gripped my hands tighter for a moment before he twisted the ring on my middle finger around over and over again. "And when you told me that you had felt the same way and that you were just too scared of ruining our friendship… and that you loved me, too… I promised to love you forever."

  I let the tears that I had been holding back for so long finally fall and dropped my head into my hands. Defeated. How in the world could I forget something as beautiful as this man telling me all those wonderful things? How could I forget finally working up the courage to tell him how I had felt for so long? Then I thought of what not remembering meant for him.

  "Did we… What happened next?" I asked breathlessly.

  He hesitated and shut his eyes tightly as if he were trying to get through the pain he was feeling. "I kissed you. We kissed… a lot." He opened his eyes and I could see the memory flicker through them. "We held hands, we held each other. Talked about our plans. A couple hours later, we watched the sunset and your mom picked us up and took me home. You walked to the door with me pretending you had to get something from my house and we kissed goodnight."

  The tears fell faster and harder. How could I forget that? We only had a couple of hours together and my mind wouldn't even allow me the memory of such a short period of time. The loss ripped through my chest.

  It had to have been Lydia who got that time with him and apparently, she had known what was going on inside my head. Or she felt it, too. It was something she would have done either way, I'm sure. It had to be her. Or I had been too deep in the middle of a switch I had no idea I was having.

  I felt his hand cup my cheek and swipe away a tear with his thumb. His hand was so warm and strong and it only made me feel worse. "I'm so sorry, Charlie," I said through a sob. "I'm so, so sorry."

  "Shhh, Tess. You didn't do anything wrong. You couldn't do anything about it. I'm sorry you don't remember, but I'll never be sorry that it happened. I found out that you loved me that day." He lifted his other hand to cup my other cheek and continued to swipe my tears away. "Right?"

  I nodded, slowly.

  His eyes were filled with relief and hope, but there was a trace of fear that lingered and I knew there was more for him to tell me. More that I probably wouldn't like.

  "Tell me what happened next, Charlie. When did you find out that I didn't remember?" I wrapped my fingers around his wrists and held him to me tightly. I didn't want him to pull away before I knew everything. His touch was the only thing keeping me grounded at the moment.

  He sighed and his eyes grew dim, but he didn't pull his hands away. "I came over the next day. We had planned to go out on a date, as a couple. When you came to the door… God, you looked so beautiful, but so confused. I thought you were messing with me, trying to tease me, but when I realized that you were actually getting upset that I kept saying we had plans, I knew." He dropped his hands and grabbed both of mine resting them in my lap. "You had acted that way once before after we got drunk at Danny Danko's birthday party."

  Memories came slamming back to me, "I remember waking up with a hangover, but not remembering how I got it."

  He nodded and continued, "I thought it was just because you got drunk, but after the lake, I realized that there was too much about that night you didn't remember. And the similarities… you were so blunt that night at the party, so talkative and loud, so unlike you. You had acted so strange all day and it was the same that day at the lake. It was more subtle, but thinking back to it, I could see the similarities. There were lots of people at the party wondering why you wouldn't respond to your name. You kept telling them you weren't Tess. We all thought it was just you being funny."

  "What happened when you realized…?"

  "I looked up everything I could find on every kind of amnesia there is. Everything that matched up to how you were behaving just seemed too farfetched to be true. I didn't think it was possible and I didn't really believe that kind of thing existed." He glanced over at the kitchen door, then got up from his knees and sat beside me on the couch, still clutching my hands. Our eyes locked and I felt a buzzing in my arms, traveling to my chest. "I talked to your mom, told her that some things had happened between us, but you didn't remember any of it. I told her I thought something was wrong and that we should talk to you about it.

  "She made me promise to wait until she could find you some help. She was sure it was all because of the anxiety you were having about school and everything else. You were having a tough time, Tess. We all saw it. You were just too stubborn to admit it." He slowly caressed his thumb in tiny circles on the back of my hand, making the buzzing sensation stronger, but not unpleasant. My reactions to him should not have been surprising by now, but come on… who feels this stuff with just a simple touch?

  "That's when she sent me to the therapist?" I remembered how against it I was and how Charlie convinced me to go.

  "Yeah. We were hoping he could somehow find out some answers for us, but again, you were stubborn. Then things got better… mostly."

  "Mostly?"

  He shrugged his shoulders, "Well, I don't know if anything happened when you were with me, but there was one other time that you… well… don't remember."

  There were lots of things I didn't remember. Classes and tests, parties and shows. I left because I realized it was more than just being stressed. I was losing my mind. Charlie waited for me to run through my thoughts until I was ready for what he said next.

  Something I knew I didn't want to know.

  But I had to know.

  Chapter 9

  Charlie

  I knew she had no desire to hear about that night, but she wanted answers, and I was going to give them to her in the hopes that she would give some to me. Mainly, one.

  "What happened, Charli
e?"

  I was still holding onto her tiny hands. Her skin was so soft, softer than I remembered, and her eyes were a beautiful rich brown and still glistening with tears. I hated seeing her cry, but everything about her afterward seemed so vulnerable and open. I wanted to kiss her more than I wanted to take my next breath, but that would be taking advantage of her and she was still so confused and scared.

  "You remember, a few weeks later, that morning we woke up in your bed?" I asked.

  She went stiff and squeezed my hands briefly before nodding. "I fell asleep during the movie."

  "Yeah, but not really," I replied. When she didn't respond, I reached out and swept a piece of her hair behind her ears, the same piece that always fell in front of her eyes. "We had talked about an assignment in school, your father came up in our conversation and you shut down. I wasn't sure what to do so I just started a movie thinking it would get your mind off of things.

  "When I realized you weren't watching the movie, I started to ask if you were okay. You just sat there and stared at me with this look on your face… I didn't know what to say or do. Your eyes looked so dark and angry and I got nervous. I thought maybe you were mad at me for not leaving or that I had said something I shouldn't have. I kept asking you questions, but you never answered me. You were just so cold and withdrawn."

  I felt a shudder run through me picturing her face that night. She had looked like a completely different person. Not my Tess.

  "Camryn," she whispered.

  "Who?"

  "Camryn," she said a little louder. "One of the alters."

  She hadn't explained much to me herself, but I knew what she was talking about. "You still haven't told me anything about them, yet."

  "I know. I'm sorry. I will, Charlie, but please finish telling me what happened? I need to know."

  She was terrified, but I knew she wouldn't let it go. I kissed her hands again and heard the catch in her breath as I entwined our fingers and held her gaze.

  "Out of nowhere, you started screaming at me, telling me I didn't know you and that I could never make anything better for you. At first, I thought you remembered me telling you how I felt and you were upset that I hadn't said anything more. Then you said something about staying away from you and that you wouldn't let me ruin you, that you wouldn't let me hurt you, like he did."