Every One Of Me

by Jessica Wilde

  From what she had told me when we were kids, her father was a mean bastard. He was a drunk and an absolute asshole. From what Sarah had told me, he always spoke to Tess like she was nothing and that she would never become anything. She told me that the first time she saw a bruise on her arm, she kicked him out of the house and never saw him again.

  He had never touched her sexually, but he had done enough to make her miserable for a long time. I remembered how reserved she had been when we first became friends. She was jumpy and constantly apologizing for the most ridiculous things. It took a few years for her to realize that, with me, she could just be herself.

  "I tried to calm you down, but you were hysterical and then you punched me in the eye. Hard. I saw stars for a few seconds before you came at me again."

  "Oh my God!" she covered her mouth with her hand and started crying again.

  "No, Tess. Please don't cry. It wasn't you." I held her face between my hands again and pleaded with her.

  "How could I do that to you? It was still my body, my mind. How could I do that to someone I loved?" she sobbed.

  I pulled her to me and she pressed her face into my chest and fisted the front of my shirt. It was the first time since the day she couldn't remember that she admitted, out loud, she once had feelings for me. The feeling was indescribable

  I couldn't go any deeper with her and still have a chance of coming out alive, not unless she was there with me.

  "Finish, Charlie," she sobbed into my chest. My shirt was wet with her tears, but I held her firmly against me.

  "Okay." I took a breath and tried to remember ever detail about that night. "I got my arms around you, just like this, and held on to you for what seemed like hours before you calmed down. You never cried, but you finally started breathing normally and all the muscles in your body shifted. Next thing I knew, you were asleep in my arms. I couldn't leave you after that. Your mom was helping Trevor move in to his apartment at college, so she wasn't coming back that night."

  "You held me all night?" she asked and sniffed.

  "I did."

  "And the next morning, when I asked you about the black eye? You told me it was an accident." She wasn't accusing or resentful that I had misled her. She sounded grateful and relieved.

  "It was an accident, sweetheart. I knew you didn't mean it." No way was I going to let her feel guilty for something she had no control over. For something none of us understood.

  She raised her head and pulled back out of my arms. I let her, even though it went against every cell in my body. She looked down at her hands and then dropped her head into them, twisting her fingers in her hair and massaging the sides of her head. Her eyes squeezed shut and she let out a long breath. Minutes went by as I watched her rub her head and breathe over and over again, like she was trying to contain some kind of explosion.

  When she started to speak, I felt a strange relief that she was still with me. "I need some time to process all of this."

  Not what I wanted to hear at all, and I barely succeeded in holding in my cringe. I couldn't force her to accept anything or even really absorb everything I had told her. She knew that her mind had been experiencing this disorder for a long time, but she didn't realize how far it had gone until now. She had to feel some kind of betrayal from all of us. We had kept everything from her thinking it would only protect her, but it only made it take longer for her to find the help she needed.

  She stood and started packing up the box of albums slowly, taking in deep breaths here and there and shaking out the tremble in her hands every few seconds.

  I stood and handed her the album on the coffee table. "I'm sorry, Tess. It shouldn't have taken this long to--"

  Her hand went up to stop me. "No, I'm not mad, Charlie. I'm just… trying to put it all together. I already had plenty to talk to my doctor about, this just adds to it and seems a little more… significant." She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around my waist, hugging me tightly.

  I wrapped my own arms around her tiny frame and pressed my cheek into her hair, inhaling that minty rain scent and finding myself even deeper into her and not wanting to come up for air.

  "Thank you for telling me, Charlie." Then she pulled away and started toward the kitchen. "We better get the rest of them before my mom's dinner is ruined."

  She was trying to keep her emotions in control. Her jaw twitched and her fingers kept fidgeting with anything she could get them on. Knowing that she really did love me back then was enough for tonight. It was her that said it. Not an alter. Her.

  I could hold on to that until she was ready to talk again.

  "Will you explain things to me tonight, Tess? About the alters?" It was a shot in the dark, but I had to ask. I had to trust that she would let me in now, let me be a part of what she was going through.

  "Of course. Let's go eat and I'll explain everything I've learned. I'll blow your mind with the shit I've been told," she said with a wide, forced smile.

  I smiled back and followed her into the kitchen. "You already blow my mind every day."

  She laughed loudly and leaned in so I could hear what she had to say, "Then I'll blow Ellie's mind, but I'm sure it won't be that messy. I don't think she's got much in there."

  We both laughed as we made our way to the back door and found Sarah sitting on her hands and straining to keep them underneath her. Ellie was talking about something to do with gardening and what Sarah could do to improve hers. They looked up at us when we walked out and Sarah about jumped into our arms.

  "Oh, wonderful! Let's eat!" she exclaimed, then scurried into the kitchen and put the bread in the oven.

  Trevor grunted, "It's about time. I'm starving."

  Before any of us could retreat into the kitchen, the psycho slut made her voice heard, "Well, I was hungry until I smelled what was cooking. I don't know how you eat that stuff, Trevy. You're going to get so fat if you aren't careful."

  I glanced at Trevor to see his reaction, and was granted the usual one. He was just staring down her shirt and had his hand on her ass. "I'm not going to get fat," was all he said back to her. Not "I think my mother's cooking smells delicious" or "maybe you should leave and never come back", either of which I would have been content with.

  Because he didn't say anything else to her, Tessa's instinct was to step forward and say it herself. I knew this because it was what I would do in the same situation. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and immediately steered her into the kitchen. She glared at me before her face softened and she smiled mischievously.

  "You think you can stop me every time, Charlie?" she asked innocently.

  "Nope, I'm just too hungry to let you tonight. Maybe next time, huh?" I winked at her and sat down at the table across from her so I could see her face.

  She threw her head back and laughed. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and from the look on Sarah's face, it hadn't happened often enough since she had come back home.

  This was a good sign.

  ***

  Over the next week, my relationship with Tess started to remind me of how it used to be. She beamed at me whenever I came over and talked to me like she used to. The last 5 years had still happened, though, and we both were very aware of the time we had lost.

  Our friendship was mending, but that wasn't all that I wanted from her and she knew it. Nothing more had been said about that night or how we felt, now or in the past. Tess explained everything in detail to me, about the alters, the time she spent moving around, and Benny.

  The last thing she said before I left for home was, "Think long and hard about whether or not you can live with this, Charlie. It's not something that will ever go away. Especially if I can't figure out…"

  I just said, "I already knew that and I've already decided. I'm just waiting for you."

  She seemed to like that response and smiled shyly. I loved that smile.

  We spent some time each day together and she had even stopped by the gym to see what all the fus
s was about with Trevor and my training. She only stayed a few minutes and watched me spar with my coach. Then, after saying a quick goodbye and making an excuse about running errands she left with a full body blush. At least, that's what I imagined it was, but I really only saw her face and neck flush red and her eyes angle down to avoid eye contact with me.

  Trevor said she was probably just turned on, and coming from him, well it was weird, but I tried not to think about that. I had enough fantasies to last me a lifetime, one more would just dissolve all the control I had left when I was around her.

  It was Thursday night and she had just gotten back from her session with Dr. Geoffrey looking glum and frustrated. I had been fixing a door hinge for Sarah and didn't plan on catching her while I was there.

  "How did it go?" Sarah asked the second Tess walked into the kitchen.

  She paused when she saw me, then smiled a greeting before opening the fridge and pulling out a water bottle. "It was okay. Disappointing. I don't know." She took a gulp and let out a breath while staring at her feet. "I guess I'm just losing what little patience I have."

  "Oh, sweetie. I know you want things to move along, just keep working at it. You are doing so well," Sarah praised and hugged her daughter firmly before leaving the kitchen, but not before throwing me a sly wink. You would think, knowing my intentions for her daughter, Sarah would stick around when Tess and I were together. Isn't that what moms did? Chaperoning and all that?

  Not Sarah. She wanted us to be alone as much as possible, it seemed. Something about years of tension coming to an end.

  Tess turned back to me and saw me staring at her. "Hi."

  "Hi."

  "So, Mom thinks you are some kind of handyman, too?" she teased.

  I shot her an arrogant smile, "Well, I am pretty handy these days. She doesn't really trust anyone else either."

  "That's understandable. She told me the other day that she called a plumber last year to fix a leaky faucet and swears up and down that he was flirting with her the whole time." She smiled and took another gulp of her water, "I know for a fact he wasn't, but I would rather her call you anyway."

  I felt a surge of pride warm my chest. A quick idea ran through my mind about breaking a few things around the house before I left, then I would get a call to come back. That was stupid, though. Right? Well, stupid or not, I was still undecided about it. Then I processed what she said about the guy not flirting with Sarah and asked, "How do you know he wasn't? Your mother is a good looking woman."

  "Well, since the plumber she called has been completely gay since junior high, it wasn't that hard to figure out," she smirked.

  My mouth gaped open and a thousand memories came rushing back to me, "She called Samuel Anderson."

  She nodded.

  "You are telling me that Sammy Anderson, star quarterback through all of high school, breaker of skank hearts for even longer than that, and also the only guy who has ever beat Trevor up, is actually gay?"

  She smiled at me playfully and, regardless of the topic of conversation, it made all my muscles shift and blood rush where I didn't need it.

  "Yep."

  I tried to concentrate on what she was telling me, but lost the ability to speak for a minute or two. I hoped she couldn't tell how much she truly affected me and that it was just the result of shock from this new information. "Well, good for him. That must have sucked trying to hide it all those years." Just like it sucked trying to hide my feelings for her all those years.

  "I called him out on it in the 8th grade and he spilled everything. Made me promise to keep it quiet until he was ready, but I saw him last week with his husband. They are great together, too. Really happy. His husband, Mark, is actually from Boston and used to live near the facility I was…" She paused and took another drink of water, her eyes shifting around to avoid mine. "I'm actually surprised Mom hasn't figured it out, it's not like he is keeping it a secret anymore," she said casually and moved to the door I had just fixed to examine my work.

  I felt a warmth rush through me with the comfortable silence I had longed for. Years ago, we used to just sit together, not talking or doing anything, and it just felt right. It was something I had missed. Her shoulder brushed against my chest as she turned to look at the door.

  The sudden close proximity of her body with mine made all my muscles jump and more blood rush away from my brain. Not good. I needed that blood up there so I could focus on being a gentleman. Or I needed to get out of there before I did something she wasn't ready for, but before I could really do anything, my mouth started flapping.

  "Come to dinner with me tomorrow night," I blurted out.

  She hesitated, still looking at the door, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly before turning those dark chocolate caramel eyes my way, "Okay."

  I blinked several times, worried that the blood wasn't going to come back at all, and I was in the middle of a fantasy. "Okay? Really?"

  She chuckled and folded her arms across her chest, "Well, yeah, Charlie. Unless you really don't want me --"

  "No! I want you to. I'm just a little… surprised," I said quickly, and before she could change her mind I packed up my tools and said, "I'll pick you up at six." I had to resist throwing a fist in the air in victory. It was difficult, but I held back.

  When I turned back to her, she was grinning with her arms folded tightly across her chest. I leaned toward her slowly, wanting more than anything to wrap her in my arms and kiss the hell out of her. Maybe one day soon, but not today.

  When my face was just inches away from hers, she stopped breathing and her eyes glazed over. That was confirmation enough that she wouldn't smack me afterward. When my lips touched her warm cheek, she relaxed and didn't pull away.

  "I'll see you tomorrow," I whispered near her ear, then turned and walked away.

  I reached the front door and heard her finally take in a breath and mutter, "God, help me."

  I was smiling until I got to my car and sat down, then I realized that even though I won this round, I was just setting myself up for torture. Being close to Tess, close enough to finally show her that I wanted her, but not being able to truly show her yet, it would probably kill me. The noticeable bulge in the front of my pants glared back at me when I looked down. Just thinking about kissing her was enough.

  It was going to be a long night.

  Chapter 10

  Tessa

  "Please tell me you are wearing something that shows your cleavage." Benny sounded like she was about to have a heart attack. I had spent the last 10 minutes telling her what had happened with Charlie so far and when I told her he kissed my cheek, she about lost it. She always told me that she could feel the sexual tension between us and she hadn't even met the guy.

  "God, Benny! I don't even own a dress let alone something besides pajamas that would show anything like that," I said, holding the phone against my shoulder while I rifled through my closet.

  "When is he picking you up?"

  I looked at the clock, it was only 2PM and I was already a mess. Why did I agree to do this? It would only make more stress for me. "At six?"

  "Holy shit! You don't have much time, T!"

  "Yes I do! I have 4 hours. It won't take me that long to get ready," I balked.

  "Except for the fact that you have to go shopping, like, right now! And you have to send me pictures for approval AND it's Charlie for hell's sake! Now get off the phone with me and get your ass out of the house and to whatever kind of dress store you can find because there is no way I am letting you go out with the guy you have been in love with since the 5th grade without looking like sex on a stick!" She was gasping for air by the time she finished her rant and I was gasping for air from laughing so hard.

  "I miss you, Benny," I said between breaths.

  "Aw, my sweet little psycho, I miss you, too. I'm going to come visit next weekend okay?" She sounded nervous about telling me, but she had no reason to be. My heart about leapt out of my chest with excitement.


  "Yes! Please do." I paused. "Wait! Does that mean you are checking out?"

  She laughed loudly, "Hell yeah! I am checking out tomorrow, but I got a few places to visit first. Then I'm flying my cute ass over to you and staying with you for as long as you'll have me, then we are going to look for a place. That is, unless you are already tangling the sheets with Mr. Mackenzie."

  I gasped and felt my face go hot, "Benny!"

  "Don't write it off just yet, T. True love doesn't come around more than once in a lifetime and you know it," she said sternly and I had no argument to give her. She was right. I was just too much of a coward to admit it.

  "Okay, enough of the fairytale bullshit. You've got a dress to find. Call me when you're ready and send some sexy pictures. Bye." Then she was gone.

  I was chewing on my thumbnail, wondering how the hell I was going to find something nice in just a couple of hours, when Mom walked in with a smile that could crack her face in half. "Nervous?" she asked and quirked her eyebrow.

  I nodded and started taking deep, cleansing breaths. They weren't helping. I couldn't stress out or I wouldn't make it to dinner, someone else would. It's just Charlie.

  It's Charlie.

  "Well, get some shoes on and let's go. Benny texted me and told me to use force if I had to."

  I smiled and scurried around my room looking for my sandals. What would I do without these people in my life?

  ***

  Mom was snapping pictures with my phone while I posed in my new date dress. It only took about an hour to find it with Sarah Marshall taking the reins. She had an eye for this stuff.

  We ended up finding a charcoal satin cocktail dress that was sleeveless and stopped just above my knees. The V neckline was lined with tiny clear beads, and yes, it was showing a bit of cleavage. I had left my hair down but curled some waves into it. It was heavily layered so it already looked like I had spent some time on it. After applying a little make up and pulling on the silver heels Mom lent me, I looked in her full length mirror and tried to catch my breath.