A Widow's Salvation

by Becky Lower

  • • •

  Elijah tried to cover his embarrassment with false bravado. He intentionally crowded Pepper, standing close to her and kissing her hand, staring into her eyes, hoping to throw her off track, to give her something else to think about than the way he reacted to his nightmare. She had witnessed his weakness, and it made him uncomfortable.

  Although, he admitted, waking up from the depths of his nightmare and seeing her face had been most pleasant. If anyone had to bear witness to his dark side, he couldn’t have selected anyone better. The way her hand caressed his, the way her fingers massaged his hand, the way her hand fit so nicely in his, made his heart hammer in his chest. It made him feel alive. A feeling he hadn’t experienced in many years. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt in preparation for cleansing his face.

  His thoughts rioted out of control while he took the small bar of soap from her and washed. She presented a towel at the precise moment he needed it, and their hands touched. Elijah inhaled a breath at the contact.

  “Thank you, Pepper,” he muttered into the towel before lowering it. “You seem to anticipate my every need. I could use someone such as yourself in the operating room.”

  “I don’t think so, Elijah.” She smiled up at him. “My sensibilities would never be prepared for the operating room. I’m quite content to bring you food and make certain you take time for yourself.”

  “And speaking of food, let me see what else your cook put in that basket this morning. The bacon tasted fabulous.”

  They sat, and Elijah unrolled his sleeves, covering his bare arms once more.

  “How are your boys?”

  “They’re behaving like typical boys, I’m afraid. It’s a constant struggle on my part to know how much is too much and when to rein them in. I don’t want them to be stifled, yet I want them to behave. I usually run to my father to ask for advice when I have a discipline problem, since he’s raised three boys himself.”

  “At least you still have him, even though your husband’s gone.”

  She shifted in her chair, in obvious discomfort. He tried to extend some small comfort to her, as she’d given to him.

  “We both have lost a loved one. And the best way to remember them is to talk about them.”

  She raised her eyes to him. “Tell me, then, about your wife.”

  He took a deep breath and filled his mouth with a bite of bread first. He hadn’t taken his own advice and talked about his wife, ever. He wondered if he could do justice to her memory now. Especially now, when he was beginning to develop feelings for the woman who’d just asked him the question. He inhaled another deep breath.

  “Even though her name was Elisabeth, I called her Sally Sunshine. She found the good in everyone she met.”

  “Do you have a picture of her?”

  “Regrettably, no. My job with the Army kept us on the move so much, we never took the time to sit for pictures. We thought we had our whole lives to take care of those types of little details. Time enough for pictures, for children.”

  “Well, then, describe her to me. Close your eyes and remember her.”

  Elijah did as requested and allowed memories of his wife to come into his mind, instead of forcing them away as he usually did.

  “She had such light hair. Blonde, but shot with silver, almost. Flaxen is what most people called it. And it had never been cut, so when she took it down at night, it fell almost to her knees. I loved to braid it for her before we’d take to our bed. And her eyes were as green as the grass in the morning dew. She was small, yet feisty. Because the Army sent us all over the country, she could shoot a gun just as easily as she could cook a full-course meal.”

  He opened his eyes and stared across the desk at Pepper, surprised to find tears in her eyes. She blinked them away quickly and stared back at him.

  “You loved her a lot.”

  “Yes, I did. And when she died, I lost my way for a while. Now, I try to keep her memory stored away in my mind and don’t take it out very often.”

  “But your memories don’t sound painful. Maybe you should bring them out more frequently, to counterbalance the awful memories your work gives you.”

  He smiled a bit at her sensible response to his nightly horrors. “Perhaps I will, Pepper. Thank you for reminding me that life wasn’t always as bad as it is now. It’s your turn. Tell me about Michael.”

  Pepper sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. Elijah caught the wave of emotions as her face softened and she unconsciously parted her lips.

  “He was the only man I ever loved. I met him when I was eighteen. My twin brother, Halwyn, roomed with him at college and brought him home for a weekend their first year. I fell in love with him over that first dinner together, and fortunately, he did as well. We had to wait until he graduated, but we both were aware, from the very first night, we’d be together.”

  “So you loved him a lot, as well.”

  Pepper opened her eyes and gazed at Elijah. “Touché.”

  “Do your boys resemble him?”

  “The first two are a combination of the both of us, but the baby, Luke, the one Michael never even knew about, is his spitting image. Dark brown wavy hair, blue eyes, the same head shape. If ever the image of Michael in my head begins to fade, all I have to do is look at Luke and remember. It was his final gift to me.”

  Elijah could sense tears forming in his own eyes when she talked about her boys and Michael. Life had not been easy for either of them.

  “Your husband must have been a most special man. I’m sorry you didn’t get to complete your life with him.”

  “Well, it’s true, Elijah, that my life won’t ever be the same as the idea I carried in my head while Michael was alive. It’ll be different, but that doesn’t mean it will be bad. In fact, I’m counting on it being quite good.”

  Elijah raised an approving eyebrow at her. “I have no doubt, if it’s what you want, you’ll have a good life yet.”

  He was pleased to see her lips curve upwards into a smile. “But speaking of life being bad, I need to get onto the floor and see to the men there. If I can offer them even a bit of comfort, I feel my time here is worthwhile.”

  “Well, you’ve already accomplished that, since you’ve given me comfort today. I can’t think of anyone else I would want to have bear witness to my nightmares. And you made me remember Elisabeth, for the first time since her death. You’ve helped me immensely.”

  She gazed across the desk at him. “Can nothing be done to stop the nightmares?”

  “Yes. This idiotic war can come to an end. But I fear we haven’t seen the worst of it yet.”

  “I think you may be right. So, if ending the war is not an option, perhaps you need to get away from the hospital every now and then. I try to take the boys to the park regularly, to let them run off some of their energy. Perhaps you can join us for an hour or so?”

  “Perhaps. Let me know the next time you plan to go, and I’ll see if I can get away from here. I’d love to meet your boys.”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  A scream woke Elijah out of the best sleep he’d had in days. As he came to full awareness, things began to register. He was drenched in sweat, the thin covers were tangled around his body and damp as well, and he was having trouble catching his breath.

  And the scream had come from him. Again.

  He pushed himself to a sitting position on the cot, groaning as he swung his legs over the side. He’d had the dream once more. The nightmare. He glanced around the small room, thankful he was alone this time and no one had borne witness to his weakness. His legs quivered as he stood, and the splash of water on his face did little to push back the horror.

  Maybe Pepper had been right, and he needed to distance himself a bit from the hospital. If he had another memory to hold in his mind as he fell asleep, maybe the nightmare wouldn’t pounce on him the minute he lost consciousness. He wasn’t the only surgeon on staff, although at times it seemed to be the case. And while the wounded from Ant
ietam were still arriving, their numbers were beginning to dwindle. October in New York provided great cool weather most days. It was a perfect time to take a walk in a park. And if he should run into a comely woman with three young boys, so much the better.

  His hands were still too shaky to try to shave. He instead used the water to bathe himself and get rid of the sticky sweat the nightmare had produced. He covered his clean body with a fresh set of clothing, informed the head day nurse of his whereabouts, and walked out the door of the hospital, for the first time in months.

  MacDougall Hospital was situated in Fort Schuyler in the Bronx. In addition to the hospital, it was also where new recruits were trained before being sent off to battle. And it served as a jail for more than five hundred captured Confederate soldiers. So, even outside the hospital, war was all around him. He was outdoors, though, and breathing the crisp October air, which was a step in the right direction. He stopped for a moment to admire the straight-line formations being created by the new recruits who were practicing in the grassy courtyard. The metal of the uniform buttons caught the light, nearly blinding him. How long would it take for those clean and shiny uniforms to fall into disrepair, be ripped asunder by cannon fire and bullets? His mind buzzed with unanswered questions. His steps led him to the stable, where he requested a mount. He needed to put some space between himself and the war.

  “Heading out, Colonel?”

  “Yes, Private. I’m taking a breather and getting some fresh air.”

  Elijah noticed the young man taking in his appearance. He was certain even the private could tell he was in need of a break from the hospital. “Yes, sir. Coming right up. It’s a good day for a ride.”

  Much of the countryside around Fort Schuyler was open farmland, so once he exited the fort, Elijah coaxed his mount into a lope. He wanted to get to the city, to Central Park, parts of which were still under construction. He hadn’t been there in nearly a year and wanted to see what improvements had been made. And he assumed the biggest park in the city was the one Pepper had been referring to when she said she took the boys there to play. She had promised to let him know the next time they were scheduled for a trip to the park, and to set up a rendezvous, but this outing was an impromptu trip on his part. He only hoped he’d run into her. But, if he didn’t, it still was a good idea for him to get away from the hospital, clear his head, and breathe in some air that wasn’t antiseptic.

  A little more than an hour later, he arrived at Central Park. He rode for a while on the bridle paths, which were the best way to take in the park, but he wanted to get off his horse for a bit and walk. He spied a stable a few steps off the bridle path and entered the facility.

  The man in charge saluted him, and Elijah suppressed a grimace. There was no getting away from the war.

  “I want to take a walk through the park for a while. Can you stable my horse for an hour or so?”

  “Happy to, Colonel. Enjoy your afternoon.”

  Elijah set off on foot. He had an interest in bridges and wanted to see the Glade Bridge. It had been under construction on his previous visit, and the fact it was made from locally quarried sandstone enhanced its appeal to him. The design was as lovely as he’d imagined it to be, since it blended with the landscape rather than protruded from it. He spent a few minutes admiring the bridge from several angles, then moved on to the Bethesda Terrace, which was positioned in front of the fountain and the lake.

  Elijah took his time descending the staircase, running his hands over the stone carvings of animals and birds, which adorned the banisters. Such attention to detail was part of what made the park so special, a jewel big enough for the entire city to enjoy. He inhaled a deep breath and stretched his back, feeling alive for the first time in a long time. There were other things going on than the ghastly war, a fact he had forgotten. He glanced up at the clear blue sky and then shifted his gaze to the vast lake. The city fathers had been so forward-thinking when they’d taken possession of a swamp in the middle of the city, upon which no buildings of any size could be erected, and turned it into a huge park and lake. Central Park would be a showpiece for the city for decades to come, especially after it was completed. Why had it taken him a year to return? To appreciate its beauty?

  Because he’d been busy trying to save the lives of the brave soldiers who had answered the call for service. Now, thanks to a woman named Pepper Brown, he was trying to save his own life. For the first years after Elisabeth died, he’d wanted to join her, and nearly worked himself to death as a result. He no longer wanted that fate, and he was now taking the first steps toward a future without her. He walked toward the fountain and the lake beyond.

  The laughter of children made its way to his ears. He scanned the crowd. So many children, so many people. This had been a foolhardy mission on his part. If he was going to take the time to escape the hospital and meet Pepper in a park, he should make certain to set it up with her first and to have a clear plan. It was getting late, and he needed to return to the stable, pick up his horse, and ride back to the Bronx before dark.

  The sea of humanity parted just then, and Elijah spied the one person he’d been searching for. Pepper, surrounded by her children, glanced up from them at the same time his gaze found her. Her lips curved in an even wider smile, and she waved.

  The Bronx could wait awhile longer.

  • • •

  Pepper’s gaze swept over Elijah as he walked toward her. Her heart was beating so hard she could feel it bump up against her rib cage. She’d only seen him inside the hospital up until now, and the afternoon sun on his face brought the fatigue and worry lines into high relief. She noticed, not for the first time, the strands of gray creeping into his dark hair. Pepper controlled her impulse to reach up and smooth the lines between his brows, to brush back the hair, which had fallen onto his brow. He was exhausted, but instead of taking to his bed for relief, he had ridden in from the Bronx in hopes of seeing her. A warm feeling shot through her body and straight to her core, despite her admonitions to herself.

  “Good afternoon, Elijah.” She could not control her impulse to grin broadly. “I’m so glad you gave yourself permission to leave the hospital. Come, I want you to meet my boys.”

  She led him to the fountain, where, under the watchful eye of the nanny who held the baby, the two oldest boys were tugging small boats through the splashing water.

  “Boys, come here and meet a friend of mine. This is Colonel Williams. Colonel, meet my sons, Matthew, Mark, and the baby, Luke.”

  The two older boys immediately straightened up and saluted the man. Little Luke tried to follow their lead. The two solemn boys stood at attention in front of Elijah, and Luke studied him from his perch on the nanny’s hip. Pepper’s heart swelled with pride, especially when Elijah returned their salute.

  “Gentlemen,” he said to the small boys. “It’s very nice to meet you. What kind of vessels are you captains of today?” He nodded to the forgotten boats in the fountain.

  The boys turned back to their toys, each talking excitedly about the type of boat they had and what supplies they were carrying to the Union troops. Elijah crouched down to be at eye level with them as they discussed each ship. He held each boat in his hands as the boys pointed out significant differences between them.

  Pepper was alongside the group, taking note of how easily Elijah slid into a conversation with the boys. This was the type of rapport they’d have had if Michael had made it through the war. Although, even if he had survived the initial conflict, he’d still be fighting. The war was eighteen months old, but there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. So her boys would have grown up without the benefit of a father, regardless. Of course, there were her father and brother to provide good male role models for them, but nothing replaced a father. Her eyes misted with tears, and she blinked them away.

  After several minutes of serious discussion, the boats were back in the water, and the boys were pulling on the lead strings, laughing and shouting at each other
. Elijah got to his feet and moved beside Pepper.

  “May we take a walk for a few minutes before I head back to the Bronx?”

  “Certainly, Elijah.” Pepper issued some instructions to the nanny and then turned back to him. “Shall we go to the lake?” She nodded in the direction of the man-made lake and placed her hand on his arm. “You were very good with the boys. Thank you.”

  “Easy enough to do with such pleasant children.” Elijah shrugged off the compliment.

  Pepper inhaled a long, slow breath. “I’m glad you found some time to take leave of the hospital.”

  “I can always find something to do there, but it seems as if the battles are being curtailed as the weather starts to turn. At least, that’s my hope. Maybe I can get caught up on my paperwork this winter. But, it’s a pleasant day, and we’re not in the hospital for a change, so let’s leave talk of war behind us.”

  He placed his own hand over Pepper’s as it rested on his arm, and they continued on toward the lake. Pepper could feel the play of his muscles under the jacket.

  “All right. Tell me how you became a surgeon.”

  “From the time I was no older than your boys, I wanted to be a doctor. My mother can tell you, I was constantly bringing home animals that had been injured to care for, so she thought I’d become a veterinarian. But I found I preferred to work on people instead. Most of them don’t bite or kick or claw.”

  Pepper smiled at his comment. “I would imagine some do, though.”

  “I attended the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia to get my education, and planned to go into private practice, but when the war talk began years ago, I joined the Army. Elisabeth and I were sent to the frontier for a time, then back here to New York.”

  “So your home is in Philadelphia?”

  “That’s where I grew up, and where my parents reside. But I’ve been in New York so long now I consider it my home.”

  Pepper nodded. “I love New York. I’ve taken some trips to other parts of the country, but I enjoy all New York has to offer. There’s culture, entertainment, shopping—although not so much of any type of amusements now since we are in the midst of this war.” She caught the sad smile on Elijah’s face. “Ah, I’ve done it. I’m sorry for bringing up the war again.”