Witty Pieces by Witty People

by Various

mornin' lookin' fer some mate, an' a Dootchbutcher axed me how an illegant bit av Spring lamb wad soot. Oi sed itwad do af it waz good, an he sed it waz the best in the market or hewudn't be offerin' it to a lady loike meself. Oi'm fond av Spring lamb,an so Oi took a hunk av it home an' cooked it fer me ould mon an'meself.

  "May the divil take me av it tasted roight. It had a sort av a rank anromantic flavor thet Oi niver kem across afore, an' heaven help me, mayOi niver come across it again.

  "Oi kept me jaw to meself, and said nathin'. After dinner the ould monsaid the Spring lamb tasted kin o' quare an' he wondered had Oi cookedthe baste enough. Oi said Oi had cooked the baste joost roight, an' Oisaw nathin wrong wid the taste av it.

  "Whin the ould mon had gone out to wurruk, Oi tuk a luck at the chunk avmate that was left, an' phat do you tink Oi saw? A bit av the skin avthe varmint, an' it had hair on it instead of wool, begorra. The thavin'Dootchman hed sold me goat instead av lamb! Bad luk to him!

  "Oi coodn't affoord to lose the mate, d'ye see, an' so Oi kept me jaw tomeself an' said nothin agin. Oi stewed it up wid spices and tings todisguoise the taste, an' we had it agin fer supper. Oi told the ould monOi didn't care fer enny Spring lamb fer supper, but it wuz verybeautiful cooked up wid spices, an he needed plenty av mate now that hewuz wurkin' wid the Park Commishioners. He ate awhoile, an' thin he saidthe Spring lamb tasted kind o' quare, an' he thought it wuz toohigh-toned fer us.

  "'Now, me darlint,' Oi said, 'the Spring lamb is a little high-toned,but it is none too good fer the loikes av us, an' ye moost ate hearty soye can do good wurruk fer the Park Commishioners.'

  "He said the Park Commishioners be blowed, an' he cood do good enoughwurruk fer them on roast bafe, an' wad Oi git roast bafe the nixttoime?

  "Oi said, 'My darlint, av coorse Oi'll git roast bafe the nixt toime,but we moost ate all the Spring lamb foorst.'

  "Well, ye see it took me hoosband several days to git away wid theSpring lamb, but he foinly got trough wid the job, an' thin Oi took thebit av skin wid the hair on, phat Oi had saved as a guarantay av goodfaith, an' Oi wint down to the market. Oi hoonted up the beautifulDootchman, an' sez Oi:

  "'Have you enny noice mate this mornin', Dootchy?'

  "'Phat koind wad you loike this mornin', Mrs. Flynn?' sez he.

  "'Oi ate nothin' but the best,' sez Oi.

  "'How wad a noice bit av Spring lamb soot?' sez he.

  "'Tanks,' sez Oi. 'Spring lamb is a bit high-toned fer me. Oi'll take afoine large steak av ye plaze.'

  "'About how large?' sez he.

  "'About tin pounds,' sez Oi, 'an' a foine juicy wan, av ye plaze.'

  "So Oi tuk the steak an' takin' a good grip av it, Oi slammed it aroundhis big Dootch ears till he yelled bloody murther in fourteen languages.'The nixt toime ye sell me goat fer Spring lamb, ye thavin'Dootchman'--an' Oi kept bastin' him around the ugly lugs--'the nixttoime ye sell me goat, Oi say, Oi'll make ye ate his whuskers.'"

  --_N. Y. World._

  Sam Wellerisms.

  "It is a paneful sight," as the man said when his host took him out toinspect his new conservatory.

  "You are a counter attraction," as the masher whispered to the prettygirl in the confectioner's shop.

  "Teeth inserted without gas," as the fellow who owned a savage doginscribed on a board outside his garden gate.

  "He is suffering from organic diseases," as the doctor observed when hewas called in to prescribe for a man who had been driven wild by aperipatetic piano-organ.

  "She is painted by Heaven," as the enthusiastic young man exclaimed whenhe beheld a girl with a beautiful complexion.

  "This is a sloe meeting," as one husband remarked to another at the teafight which their wives had compelled them to attend.

  --_Judy._

  Accounting for the Edition.

  Enthusiastic Friend--Ah, how d'do, Charlie? Gone into literature, I see.Quite a book of yours. I bought a copy yesterday.

  Author (thoughtfully)--Now, if I could only find out who bought theother copy!

  --_N. Y. Evening Sun._

  Twenty-five Cents Ahead.

  A story is told about a Kingston minister's marriage fee that causesamusement among the clergy. He was paid $1 for marrying a couple. Afterthey departed he was about to hand the money to his wife, when the doorbell was rung. The newly-married wife said she wanted a certificate. Nomarriage was good without one. It cost twenty-five cents for a blankthat would suit her. The reverend gentleman filled the blank out in theusual form and she went away seemingly satisfied. A few days later sheagain appeared at the door. "Mister," said the woman in an aggrievedtone, "I looked through the papers and can't find a notice of ourwedding. You ought not to treat us different from other folks." So thedominie went to a newspaper office and paid fifty cents to have a noticeinserted. When he reached home he handed the remaining twenty-five centsto his wife with the remark: "Here, my dear, hurry and take this beforethat woman makes another call."

  --_Kingston Freeman._

  Not Very Flattering.

  "Mighty fine woman I saw you lifting your hat to back there, old boy."

  "Yes, rather."

  "Some mash of yours?"

  "Yes."

  "Couldn't introduce a fellow, eh?"

  "Might, if you'll come up to the house some evening."

  "Oh! your wife?"

  "Yes."

  "Pshaw! I supposed it was your cook."

  --_Detroit Free Press._

  Two Kinds of Bands.

  "Pap, did you ever hear music from a rubber band?" said Johnnie.

  "No, my son, never. What in the world do you mean. Is it a lot of rubberfigures that you blow up and then do they play music?"

  "Naw, pap. Come out in the next room and I'll let you hear some musicfrom a rubber band."

  The old gentleman becoming interested, laid down his paper, wiped hisglasses, and followed his son into the next room, where Johnnie had arubber band stretched from one side of the wood box to the other, whichhe began to pick with his finger. "Now, pap, you can say that you haveheard music from a rubber band."

  "Yes," said the old man, "and I will be able to add that I have causedmusic by a leather band," and suiting the action to the word, he reachedaround for a strap, and before John knew it he felt as if eight millionrubber bands were snapping him where his pants fit the tightest.

  --_Liverpool Post._

  It Hurt His Feelings.

  Kansas Tramp--Mister, could you do a little something to assist a poorman?

  Stranger--You don't look as though you were unable to work. You ought tobe ashamed of yourself to go around this way. You are a disgrace tohumanity. Why don't you go down to the river and take a bath and try toearn a living?

  K. T. (pathetically)--Take a bath. Ain't it enough to have to drink thestuff?

  --_Merchant Traveler._

  The young ladies at the Delaware Water Gap had a "paint and powderparty," one night recently, each maid appearing painted and powdered.There doesn't seem to have been any thing save the name to distinguishit from any other party attended by young ladies.

  --_Norristown Herald._

  Young Man of Killarney.

  There was a young man of Killarney, Who was chock full of what is called blarney. He would sit on a stile, And tell lies by the mile, Would this dreadful young man of Killarney.

  --_Pick-Me-Up._

  THE ELIXIR OF LIFE.--By H. C. R.

  1.--On the way to be infused.]

  Just Discovered.

  Assistant (to magazine editor)--I see this young Miss ---- is makingherself famous th
rough the medium of the newspapers.

  Magazine Editor--Yes--um--haven't we got a story of hers sent in four orfive years ago?

  Assistant--Yes, sir.

  M. E.--Run it in this month and give a page editorial to "A NewlyDiscovered Genius."

  --_St. Paul Pioneer Press._

  A Blush Absorber.

  Housewife--Your impudence amazes me. I infer by your nose that----

  Tramp--Ah, madam, you do me great wrong. I do not drink. My nose issimply a blush absorber.