Witty Pieces by Witty People
Page 22
--_Detroit Free Press._
2.--TWENTY-FOUR HOURS LATER.]
DOCTOR--Now, gentlemen, how do you feel, one at a time, please?
DARKY--I feels gay, boss. Chickens better roost high to-night.
HEBREW--So help me, Abraham, I vould give a quarter for a job lot of datstuff.
IRISHMAN--I fale loike kicking the stoofin out of Branigan's bull pup.
An Unpardonable Error.
Father--Mr. Sand, the grocer, tells me he discharged you for swindlinghim. This is a terrible disgrace to the family.
Son--I couldn't help it, father. He gave me some lead to put under thescales, and I made a mistake and put it on the wrong side.
--_Life._
Too Dangerous.
Uncle--Bobby, don't you hear your mother calling you?
Bobby--Yes'r.
"Well, why don't you hasten to her?"
"Why, ma has heart disease and she'd be surprised most to death if Ianswered the first time she called me. Besides, this game of marblesmust be finished."
--_Omaha World._
3.--LATER ON.]
Three new recruits for the golden shore.
Times Have Changed.
Long ago there was a time when Sir Walter Raleigh laid his cloak over apuddle, so that the royal Elizabeth might go on her way dry-shod.
In similar circumstances, Queen Victoria would be lucky if she couldelicit from the gilded youth of the present day the languid cry of "Skipthe gutter, old lady!"
--_Harvard Lampoon._
From the Oklahoma "Snorter."
The Oklahoma _Snorter_, in its last issue, contained the followingbreezy locals:
Jim Highbee has secured the beautiful lot at the corner of Bullwhackeravenue and Kill'emquick street, and has begun the erection of a tentthereon. This lot formerly belonged to Dick Skinner, but he gave it upat the same time he give up his life. Col. Jim is a good shot.
We are glad to learn that our friend Dan Bunker has at last come intopossession of a choice lot. Dan killed the former claimant with hisfirst shot. Dan is a rustler, and never does things by halves.
The report that the ten men found dead last night on Goosebristle Creekhad been shot, proves a fabrication. They were the victims of congestivechills.
Wanted--Ten first-class grave diggers. Also, four or five more coffinmakers. Must be willing to work twelve hours a day, but pay is large.Cophin & Son.
Subscribers must pay for this paper in advance. Life is too uncertain totake any chances.
Major Burdock, one of our gentlemanly undertakers, came up yesterday tosee us. The Major is smiling, and says he never had more flatteringbusiness prospects. He is running a large corps of men day and night inorder to keep up with his orders. He says he is prepared to make liberalterms with those who contemplate taking claims, if they wish to arrangein advance for burial.
There was quite a lot of freight received at the depot yesterday,consisting chiefly of coffins and guns.
Notice--We are prepared to bury boomers quicker and cheaper than anyother house in the city. Send in your friends. We will take pleasure inburying them. Plantum & Co.
Real estate has changed hands rapidly the last few days. The new ownersusually show their liberality by burying the former claimants.
Several Texans came in yesterday to locate claims. Our undertakers arewatching the corners for a good harvest.
Food and ammunition are becoming scarce. We learn, however, that acarload of shot and powder is expected to-day.
First-class meals at all hours at Tremont hotel. Bean soup, fifty centsa dish; eggs, ten cents each (when we have them); water, five cents aglass. Call in second tent above the _Snorter_ office.
We learn that our genial friend Dick Tucker has given up his claim andreturned home. We are sorry to lose Dick, as he was one of the mostcheerful and whole-hearted men among us. If he had known the claim wasso worthless it is doubtful if he would have shot the man who held itdown before him.
Bill Swanson was in to-day and reported that he had secured a fine claimjust east of town. Of course he had to remove the man who was on it, butBill did it neatly, and then paid the funeral expenses. There is nothingsmall about Bill.
--_Time._
Herr Yager on the Marriage Question.
"Good evening, Neighbor Yager. What's your opinion about marriage beinga failure?"
"Vell, I dinks it vas vone dem dings und it don'd vas vone dem dings.Vhen a man got him marriedt he got him marriedt; dat vas somedings sure;der don'd vhas some vailures about dot. Aber ouf him got a frau vhatvhas some dem Arisdodle's preed, vhat neffer done got dalkin', den demmarridges vas so pig failures as you marry some vomans vhat peen abrudder mit der teifel. Dot marridges vas some loddery dickets--dot vhasall luck vhat kind a frau youm gatch; shoost like dis: ouf dem vomansvas some fishes der sea in, und der vas one vone den-times goot vomansfishes derein, vhen youm a frau fishin' gone meppy youm vone dimes in ahunnert gatch vone dem goot fishes, aber not more as dot."
"Did you catch one of the good fishes, Herr Yager?"
Then Herr Yager looked back at the front windows of his residence andremarked in a kind of graveyard tone:
"I seen you lader."
--_Kentucky State Journal._
Attached.
"I love you well," the stamp exclaimed, "Dear envelope so true, In fact it's evident to all. That I am stuck on you."
--_Minneapolis Tribune._
Not Saving His Bacon.
It is related that Sir Nicholas Bacon was about to pass judgment upon aman who had been guilty of robbery, at that time punishable by death;but the culprit pleaded for mercy on the ground that he was related tothe judge.
"How is that?" he was asked.
"My Lord," was the reply, "your name is Bacon, mine is Hogg, and hog andbacon have always been considered akin."
"That is true," answered Sir Nicholas; "but as hog is not bacon until ithas hung, until you are hanged you are no relation of mine."
--_Chiel._
Her Attraction.
There's something attractive about her: It isn't her beauty of face, It isn't her ribbons of lace, But there's something attractive about her, And I swear that I can't live without her, And that is the state of the case.
There's something attractive about her, It isn't her glance or her smile, It isn't her elegant style; But I'm poor and I can't live without her, For that something attractive about her, You know, is the size of her pile.
--_Boston Courier._
Deaf But Sensible.
Traveler (in buggy)--This is a hot day.
Old Farmer (in a potato patch)--Speakin' to me?
Traveler--This is a hot day.
Old Farmer (coming to the fence)--What did you say, mister?
Traveler--I said this is a hot day!
Old Farmer (climbing the fence and approaching the buggy)--Beg pardon,I'm a little hard o' hearin'. What is it?
Traveler--I merely said that this is a hot day.
Old Farmer--Oh, go to thunder!
--_Owl._
JOURNAL OF SOLOMON SIDESPLITTER.
"Martha, does thee love me?" asked a Quaker youth of one at whose shrinehis heart's fondest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," answeredshe, "we are commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ah, Martha!but doest not thee regard me with that feeling that the world calls_love_?" "I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth; I have greatly fearedthat my heart was an erring one; I have tried to bestow my love on all;but I may have sometime
s thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rathermore than thy share."
"Martha, my dear," said a loving husband to his spouse, who was severalyears his junior, "what do you say to moving to the far West?" "Oh, I'mdelighted with the idea! You recollect when Mr. Morgan moved out therehe was as poor as we are; and he _died in three years, leaving his widowworth a hundred thousand dollars_."
"Ma," said a juvenile grammarian, when she returned from school; "ma,mayn't I take some of the currant-jelly on the sideboard?" "No," saidthe mother, sternly. "Well, then, ma, mayn't I take some of theice-cream?" "No," again replied "ma." It was not long, however, beforethe young miss was found "diggin'" into both. "Did I not tell you," saidthe maternal parent, in a somewhat angry tone, "not to touch them?" "Yousaid _no_ twice, ma," said the precocious girl, "and the schoolmistresssays