Witty Pieces by Witty People

by Various

that two negatives are equal to an affirmative; so I thought youmeant that I should eat them."

  "Mat, I want another _porter_." "What _ales_ the one you have, Dick?""He's dead." "Gone to his _bier_, eh?" "Hang you, Dick, your wit'salways a broad-_cider_."

  "Jack, Jack!" cried a sailor, on board a ship at sea, lately, to one ofhis companions.--"Hello!" replied Jack; "what is it?"--"Your brother'soverboard."--"Overboard?"--"Yes."--"Blow the lubber! he has got mysea-boots and monkey-jacket on!"

  Judge Rooke, in going the western circuit, had a great stone thrown athis head; but, from the circumstance of his stooping very much, itpassed over him. "You see," said he to his friends, "that had I been anupright judge, I might have been killed."

  "Kitty, where's the frying-pan?"--"Johnny's got it, carting mud andoyster shells up the alley, with the cat for a horse."--"The dear littlefellow! what a genius he'll yet make; but go and get it. We're going tohave company, and must fry some fish for dinner."

  Lighting an editor's fire with rejected contributions--_Burns' Justice._

  Lady F---- had arrived to so extreme a degree of sensibility, that,seeing a man go by with a mutilated wheelbarrow, she cried out to hercompanion, "Do turn aside, it distresses me above measure to see thatpoor unfortunate wheelbarrow with one leg."

  "La, me!" sighed Mrs. Muggins, "here have I been sufferin' the begamiesof death for three mortal weeks. Fust, I was seized with a painfulphrenology in the left hampshire of the brain, which was exceeded by astoppage of the left ventilator of the heart. This gave me aninflammation in the borax, and now I'm sick with the chloroform morbus.There is no blessin' like that of health, particularly when you'resick."

  "Jack," said a commercial traveller to a country joskin, "which is theway to Harlingford?" "How did you know my name was Jack?" inquired thecountryman. "Why, I guessed it," replied the bagman. "Then guess yourway to Harlingford," says Jack, "for I shan't tell you."

  "John, what is the past of see?" "_Seen_, sir." "No, it is_saw_--recollect that." "Yes, sir. Then if a _sea_-fish swims by me, itbecomes a _saw_-fish when it is _past_, and can't be _seen_." "You maygo home, John."

  Judge Peters, a Philadelphian and a punster, having observed to anotherjudge on the bench that one of the witnesses had a _vegetable_ head,"How so?" was the inquiry. "He has _carroty_ hair, _reddish_ cheeks, a_turnup_ nose, and a _sage_ look."

  "John," screamed a country girl, seated by the side of her dull lover,"leave me alone!" John, astonished, cried, "Why, I ain't a-touchingyer!" "No," replied she, "but you might have done--if you liked."

  "Jim, why is it that a musician's strains are always heard so much lessdistinctly when he plays alone, than when in a band?"--"Why, I didn'tknow it was so--suppose it must be because he plays _so-lo_."

  "Jack," said a gentleman to an old negro, who was rather lazily engagedin clearing the snow from his premises, "Jack, my old boy, you don't getalong with this job very fast."--"Why, master," replied Jack, scratchinghis wool, "pretty considerable for an old man, I guess; and I conceitmyself, that I can clear more snow away in dese here short days, thanthe spryest nigga in the city could do in the longest summer day as everwas."

  Mr. Russell once asked a nigger to call him early in the morning,because he wanted to go by the first boat. "At wat time, massa?" "Athalf-past three o'clock." "Half-pass tree o'clock?" "Yes, sir." Thenigger, after grinning, departed; but immediately reappeared, saying:"Please, massa, don't forget to ring for me at tree o'clock in themorning, and I can be sure to wake you."

  "Mr. Smith, you said you once officiated in a pulpit--do you mean bythat that you preached?" "No, sir; I held the light for a man what did.""Ah; the court understood you differently. They supposed that thediscourse came from you." "No, sir; I only throwed a light on it." "Nolevity, Mr. Smith. Crier, wipe your nose, and call on the next witness."

  Mrs. Hopkins told me, that she heard Green's wife say, that John Gluckstold her, that Fanny Hopkins heard the Widow Busham say, that CaptainWeed's wife thought Colonel Hodgkins' sisters believed, that old MissQuint reckoned that Mrs. Samuel Dunham had told Spoldin's wife that sheheard John Fink's daughter say, that her mother told her, that old MissJenks heard Grandmother Cook declare, that it was an undoubted fact.

  "Misther! Misther! what have you done?" said a little fellow withprotruding eyes, to a greenhorn, who had just tied his horse to a sprucepole, as he thought, on the street. "Done!" said the fellow, "what doyou mean? I haint been doin' nothin' as I knows on!" "Why, yeth youhave, thir; you've hitched your hoth to the magnetic telegraph, andyou'll be in Bothton in leth than two minutes, if you don't look out!"The man untied his horse with nervous anxiety, and, jumping into hiswagon, drove hastily down the street.

  "I'm not afraid of a barrel of cider!" said a toper to a temperance man."I presume not, from your appearance; I should think a barrel of ciderwould _run_ at your approach," was the reply.

  "I tell you, Susan, that I will commit suicide, if you won't haveme."--"Well, John, as soon as you have given me that proof of youraffection, I will believe that you love me."

  If the speculator misses his aim, everybody cries out, "He's a fool,"and sometimes "He's a rogue." If he succeeds, they besiege his door anddemand his daughter in marriage.

  "I'm sitting on the style, Mary," as the lover said when he seatedhimself on a bonnet of the latest Paris fashion.

  "If you say another crooked word I'll knock your brains out," said ablacksmith to his termagant wife. "Ram's horns, you dog!" exclaimed hishopeful helpmate, "ram's horns, if I die for it!"

  It is said there is a man in Connecticut who walks so fast, that it putshis shadow out of breath to keep up with him.

  In the course of the Irish state trial, Mr. Whiteside quoted anextraordinary figure once used by an advocate: "I smell a rat--I see itbrewing in the storm--and I will crush it in the bud!"

  "I say, Pat, what are you writing there in such a large hand?" "Array,honey, an' isn't it to my poor mother, who is very deaf, that I'mwriting a loud letther?"

  I think it is a very foolish thing for any man to become a _sleeping_partner, because he may _awake_ and find himself in the Gazette.

  "Dad," said an incipient legislator to his indulgent parent, who hadgratified him with a visit to the galleries of the capital, "say do yousee any row going on? I don't." "No," said the astonished father, "ofcourse not. Why did you ask?" "Cause the man in the big desk says--'the_eyes_ have it!'--and just now he said the _nose_ had it--so I thoughtthere was some _fun_ down there some'ers!"

  During a learned lecture by a German adventurer, one BaronVondullbrains, he illustrated the glory of mechanics, as a science,thus:--"De t'ing dat is _made_ is more superior dan de _maker_, I shallshow you how in some t'ings. Suppose I make de round wheel of de coach?Ver' well; dat wheel roll round five hundred mile!--and I cannot rollone myself! Suppose I am a cooper, what you call, and I make de big tubto hold wine? He hold tons and gallons; and _I cannot hold more dan fivebottle_! So you see dat what is made is more superior dan de maker."

  "Doctor, that ere ratsbane of yourn is fust rate," said a Yankee to avillage apothecary.--"Know'd it," said the pleased vendor of drugs."Don't keep nothing but first-rate doctor's stuff."--"And, doctor," saidthe joker, coolly, "I want to buy another pound of ye."--"Anotherpound?"--"Yes, sir; I gin that pound I bought the other day to anibbling mouse, and it made him dreadful sick, and I am sure anotherpound would kill him!"

  Drunken Davy, after spending his day's earnings at a grocery, set outfor home. "Well," says he, "if I find my wife up, I'll kick her--whatbusiness has she to sit up, wasting fire and light, eh? And if I findher in bed, I'll kick her--what business has she to go to bed before Iget home?"

  Transcriber's Notes:

  Italics are represented with _underscores_.

  Replaced oe ligature with oe (e.g. Manoeuver); ligatures are retained inHTML edition.

  Page 5, added missing period.

  Page 7, changed single to double quote after "you'll have a good time."

  Page 1
3, changed "Blatter" to