Saving My Submission BN

by Jenna Jacob

  “Oh yes you are.” She glowered. “We’re not leaving this bathroom until you tell me why you’re being so mean to him. What did he do to you?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing? I don’t believe you.”

  I let out a long-suffering groan, my shoulders slumping. “He didn’t do anything… he did everything.”

  “Talk to me, Mel. Help me understand why you’re so upset.” Desperation resonated in her voice as she reached out and grasped my hand.

  “I can’t do it. I can’t let him in any further. Shit, he’s already so deep inside me, I don’t know how to get him out,” I cried. “It’s never been like this with anyone else. How do I get him the hell out of my head?”

  “Oh honey.” The starch instantly left her body. “You don’t have to push him away, hell, the way he looks at you gives me chills. It’s a good thing. Why can’t you just enjoy the time you have with him while you’re here?”

  “Because he’s already ruined me for other men… at least I think so. But that’s beside the point. Don’t you understand?” I implored. “Why would I want to get mixed up with another wanna-be Dom? That’s fucking insane.”

  Savannah blinked, and her jaw fell open. “A wanna-be? Who the hell told you he was a player? Master Stephen isn’t a player.”

  “You did,” I argued. “You told me he released his sub. Was she the woman upstairs? The blond? Was that his former sub?”

  “Me? I never said he was a player. What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You did too,” I argued. “Tell me yes or no, was that his former sub?”

  “Yes, but hold on. I never said Master Stephen was a player… ever.” She gaped. “He’s a well-respected Dom in our community.”

  “Well maybe not in so many words, but he obviously has a fine collection of Velcro collars.”

  “Have you lost your fucking mind, Mel? He does not,” she snapped. “He never… it wasn’t a Velcro collar. He tried to teach her about submission. Carnation is a… well, she’s a lot of things, mostly a bitch and a drama queen. But, trust me. Stephen did all he could to set her on the right path. She didn’t… he tried to… shit.”

  “Spit it out, Sanna. I can take it.”

  Sanna closed her eyes and held out her palms. “Okay. Listen to me. Carnation wasn’t really a sub. She just pretended to be one. At the club she was more concerned about performing to the crowd than anything Stephen tried to teach her. He never gave up on her… he was tenacious. Hell, the man has the patience of as. He’s even more stubborn than my Masters, and that’s saying a lot. But nothing he tried to teach her worked, because Carnation wasn’t in the lifestyle for the right reasons. After trying and trying and trying he finally released her. It was the only choice he had. Dammit, Mel, do you hear what I’m saying? Carnation is really one horrific bitch.”

  Yes, I hear you. But why did he collar her to begin with if she’s such a bitch?”

  “I asked Julianna the same thing a while back. She told me that a couple years ago Stephen and Carnation started scening together. It was no secret that she needed direction, so he offered her his training collar. That’s the collar he removed. He never formally collared her because she never earned it. She just wanted to flaunt the fact that she had a Master to all the un-owned subs.”

  As Sanna explained it all, a heavy cloak of humiliation weighed on me. I’d thought horrible things about the man… made a total ass of myself in front of him and Sanna’s Masters. I owed them all an apology, but I owed Joshua an even bigger one. But what if he took my capitulation as a sign of submission? How could I make amends without him storming through my defenses harder than he already had?

  “A few months ago Carnation got pissed at Leagh and verbally tore into her like a raving lunatic, right in front of Stephen. He released her, but soon after, she dumped a soda over Leagh’s head in front of all the members at the club. Drake tossed Carnation’s ass to the curb, and Mika rescinded her membership, and that’s the last we saw of her… until today. I don’t know what she was doing upstairs, but obviously Stephen handled it, because she’s gone.”

  “Gone, for how long though?” I wondered aloud.

  “Forever, I hope,” Sanna replied with a sour expression. Suddenly, she blinked and tried to bite back a grin. “You’re jealous of that heifer. Holy shit. I’ve never seen you jealous of anyone before, Mel.”

  “I am not jealous,” I lied.

  “Oh, Mel, shut up. It’s me you’re talking to… remember?” Sanna chided. “You really need to go to dinner with him. What’s the worst that could happen… you’d have a good time?”

  “No. The worst that could happen is falling deeper under his spell and doing something stupid, like submit to him.”

  “Maybe you should. Don’t you think it’s time you put the past behind you and give it a try with someone new?”

  I glared at my sister, wanting to debate her suggestion, but I couldn’t. The gnawing desire to feel whole again was all but eating me up inside.

  “First I have to apologize to him,” I pouted. “He might not even want to take me out now.”

  “Yes he will, but you definitely need to say you’re sorry.” She giggled. “Dressing down a Dom is… well, you know. You might already be in some serious trouble. He might just have to spank you.”

  Spank me… with those incredible hands of his? The submissive inside me stretched with an ancient burn. My brain started to protest, but I blocked out the screams and nodded.

  With a squeal of delight Sanna hugged me tight. “Good. Let’s go back.”

  Practicing the apology in my head the whole way back to the table, Joshua smiled and stood. Holding my chair like a classic gentleman, I took a seat and stared at my plate filled with rich Italian food. My stomach pitched and I swallowed back the urge to vomit.

  Turning to face him, I raised my head and timidly gazed into Joshua’s compassionate eyes.

  “I’m sorry for my disrespectful behavior. I was inexcusably rude to you. My attitude was totally out of line and uncalled for. I truly am sorry. If your offer for dinner still stands, I’d like to accept, Sir.”

  A slow sensual smile spread over his lips. Drawing my trembling hand to his mouth, he pressed a soft kiss over my skin. Warmth enveloped me, like a calming blanket of bliss.

  “Apology accepted, little one, and yes, the offer of dinner still stands.” A wolfish smile tugged at his lips. “I know the sub inside you is timid and shy. I’d like to know why. But I’m a patient man. Besides, I’ve coaxed her out before and I damn well plan to do it again.”

  “I remember,” I whispered. And dammit, if I didn’t get my libido under control he’d be coaxing her out again before the night was through.

  Leaning in closer, his warm breath made me shiver. “Trust me, Mellie. We’ll take this nice and slow, but I need you to be open and honest with me, okay?”

  Would he? Would he really take it slow, not push and demand more than I could give?

  You’ll never know unless you try. Question is, do you want to try?

  “Yes. I mean, I will.”

  Sanna and her Masters watched our exchange. My sister wore a cheeky little grin, but Dylan and Nick looked smug and guilty. Sanna had clearly had no idea that Stephen and Joshua were one and the same, but Nick certainly did; I suspected Dylan had known, too. Once I got the two men alone, I planned to bombard them with a whole lot of uncomfortable questions and make sure they didn’t ever play me again.

  The orchestra began and soft, romantic tunes filled the air as we ate. The Doms talked and laughed while I picked at my chicken parmesan. Without warning, Joshua suddenly leaned in close; his masculine, erotic scent wafted over me and I nearly dropped my fork.

  “By the way, dinner’s at my place tomorrow night, little one. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  “I thought we were going out for dinner,” I whispered as unwelcome panic clawed up my spine.

  “Oh no, little one
.” The words rolled off his tongue in a slow, seductive purr. “I’m a greedy bastard. I’m keeping you all to myself... at least for tomorrow night. I don’t want to share the sight of you with another man.”

  “Oh,” I whispered as visions of the night we’d spent together tangled through my head.

  “Will you do something for me?”

  Was he asking for something simple, like passing the butter, or something far more difficult, like a submissive task? This was what I’d been afraid of in the bathroom with Sanna… he’d assume my apology, or acceptance of his dinner invitation, meant I was ready to plunge head first into submission. He was in for a rude awakening.

  “I don’t know. It depends on what it is,” I challenged with a wary glance.

  “Hrmm, you’re not ready yet. Let me re-think this. We’ll talk about it over dinner tomorrow night.”

  The man was smooth, no doubt about it. I had a feeling he’d purposefully piqued my curiosity, but wild horses wouldn’t drag a single question about his request out of me. If I was going to venture down the submissive road again, I planned to take it at my own pace—whether it be like a rabbit or a snail. I wasn’t about to leap into the fire simply because he fanned the enticing flames.

  “Make no mistake about it, Mellie. I’m on a mission. I’m going to peel back the layers you’re hiding behind, one by one. And when I think you’re ready, I intend to bring you face to face with the beautiful submissive inside. Let you see how fucking gorgeous she is so that you’ll never think of hiding her away again.”

  I swallowed tightly. He wanted to strip me bare and revive my dormant desires. The thought of emotionally exposing myself to the man sent a rush of panic through my system. Strangely, the tingling sensation also held a level of excitement and my inner sub began emerging from her slumber. I couldn’t see a way to keep her imprisoned when everything about the man called to her. It pained me to acknowledge the fact that I didn’t possess the willpower to refuse the freedom Joshua’s Dominance offered. It was too strong, too compelling, too tempting.

  Could I give Joshua the power to dominate me for the rest of my stay in Chicago? While the idea stirred a level of unease, it also brought me an unexpected feeling of peace.

  Still, I wasn’t a fool. Setting my submission free would be a costly gamble. I’d lose a piece of my heart, and in the end, pay a very high price. My head and my heart were at war. Internally weighing the pros and cons of such a daunting decision, I couldn’t emphatically choose yes or no… at least not there on the spot. I needed more time, but my visit would end before Joshua and I could manage to foster the level of trust necessary to enter into a power exchange… or could we? I still wasn’t convinced it was what I truly wanted.

  Right, the voice in my head scoffed.

  “That wasn’t meant to scare you, little one. I’m simply being honest and voicing my desires… well, some of them, at least.” Joshua smiled, but I didn’t. He pursed his lips and issued a thoughtful hum. “Stop analyzing it, Mellie. Let’s just take one step at a time. Can you do that?”

  “Yes, I think I can.” I nodded.

  “Good, now let’s kick back and enjoy the party. What do you say?”

  “I say that’s a wonderful idea.” A smile did curl on my lips and Joshua grinned.

  Sitting at the table, we talked, ate, drank and laughed. Julianna and Mika gave poignant speeches as they toasted the bride and groom before the happy couple made their way to the dance floor. They looked stupidly in love with one another, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  Watching Tony’s father float Leagh across the wooden floor while her groom danced with his mother, bittersweet tears stung the backs of my eyes. Someday Sanna would be in the exact same place, but there would be no father to hold her and share one last precious dance as guardian of her world. No mother for either Dylan or Nick to sway with the soft music, vowing to keep her little girl happy, healthy and protected.

  Stealing a glance Savannah’s way, I watched her dab a tear from her cheek. I knew our thoughts had traveled down the same path. I’d done my best to provide for her when we were orphaned, but the inability to bring back the center of our lives was a void neither of us could ever replace.

  Dylan bent and kissed away her tears before cupping her chin. Holding her in a sublime, cherished gaze, he smiled. “I love you, kitten.” His words were softly spoken, yet suffused with such riotous emotion I had to look away.

  It wasn’t jealousy that pricked my heart, but a never-ending longing that rushed to the surface and caught me off guard. The chances that I’d find love like Sanna’s grew slimmer each day. Joshua drew a circle over the back of my hand with his fingertips. Turning, I stared into his eyes. A tender smile softened his handsome features.

  “You’ll never have to worry, Mellie. Savannah will always be thoroughly loved,” Joshua murmured in my ear.

  “Yes, I know.” I smiled with a secure nod.

  “What about you, though? Is there a part of you that aches to be loved the same way?”

  His question took me aback. My knee-jerk reaction was to lie through my teeth, but I’d promised him honestly.

  “Of course. All girls dream of being Cinderella and finding her handsome prince, but girls grow into women, and reality conquers childish fantasies.”

  “Ouch.” Joshua chuckled, clutching his hand to his chest in mock injury.

  “What?” I laughed. “It’s true. We grow up and kiss what we believe to be Prince Charming, only to discover we’ve been making out with a toad covered in warts.”

  Joshua shook his head. His eyes twinkled in delight. Gliding his hand to the nape of my neck, he pulled me in close. “I may not have a castle or ride a white horse, but you already know I don’t have warts. Come on, my cynical gorgeous beauty. Let’s dance.”

  He stood and extended his hand. A ripple of delight zipped through me as I slid my fingers into his palm. Drawing me tight against his toned body, I closed my eyes as Joshua guided me over the dance floor. Clearing the fears and worries that had cluttered my brain, I let the sure command of his palm at small of my back and the decadent heat that leached beneath his dark suit consume me. It was enough... more than enough.

  “You haven’t asked why I didn’t call you yesterday. Were you not curious?”

  “Oh no, I was very curious.”

  “Then why didn’t you ask me?”

  Quirking one brow, I shrugged.

  “Should I start keeping a list of punishments?” he asked in such a soft, serene tone, I wondered if I’d heard him correctly.

  “Punishments? What for?” I blinked in surprise.

  “Communication, little one. I expect simple, honest communication.”

  Joshua wanted to flex his Dominant muscles. Fine, but I had no intention of rolling over to show him my underbelly… at least not yet.

  “Well, since we’ve not had five minutes alone to even talk about the weather, I don’t think it’s fair that you want to punish me for not blurting out such a personal question in front of everyone at the table.”

  “You’re such a sassy thing,” he chuckled.

  “I prefer to call it playful.”

  “Playfully telling me what you think I should do as a Dominant, huh?” He smirked.

  “Uh, yeah,” I answered incredulously.

  He scowled. “Since you’ve not accepted what I’m offering, I’ll let your cheeky retort slide. Just be aware, once you decide to give me your submission, you can bet that sexy ass of yours that I will keep lists… lots and lots of them, I have a feeling.”

  A rush of heat washed through me, followed by a quiver of anticipation. Should I dare tell him I looked forward to it? No, not yet. It was still too soon.

  “So, my slate clean?” I asked with an impish grin. He shook his head. “So I’m not misunderstanding things, in regard to punishments you think I’ve earned. Do I get to plead my case or am I guilty without due process?”

  Joshua threw his head back and laughed. “You�
�re going to have a red ass twenty-four seven. You know that, right?”

  I couldn’t help but giggle.

  “Okay, since I don’t want you to think I’m a heartless bastard…”

  “Just a greedy one,” I reminded with a grin.

  “Indeed,” he chuckled. “I’ll give you one last chance to ask why I didn’t call you. Then we’ll be starting with a clean slate. But, fair warning, I’m not usually this generous, so don’t expect an offer like this again.”

  “I expect a lot of things from you, Josh… errr, Master Stephen, but leniency isn’t one of them.” I smirked.

  “Oh really?” His brows arched with intrigue. “Like what?”

  “Like keeping me on my toes and walking the straight and narrow.”

  “Pretty much.” He nodded. “Now stop evading and ask your question, girl.”

  “Okay, okay,” I conceded. “Why didn’t you call me Friday?”

  “Nice, little one. Direct and to the point. I like that.” He reached up and stroked my cheek, and damn if I didn’t want to close my eyes and nuzzle his hand. “I got a phone call from Nick after you’d gone to bed last Thursday. He called to congratulate me on the opening.”

  “He did, did he?” I drawled in a derisive tone.

  “You can’t imagine my surprise when I discovered that Mellie Carson was the sexy older sister of his darling submissive, Savannah.”

  “That rat bast—”

  “Ah, ah, little one. Watch your language. At least he didn’t call, taunting that the most beautiful woman in the world was curled up in a bed under his roof. Nick doesn’t have a malicious bone in his body.”

  “No, just a couple of underhand ones, it seems.”

  “Now that’s a possibility,” Joshua laughed.

  “I’m sure Nick’s revelation was completely unexpected, but it still doesn’t explain why you didn’t call.” I reminded with a playful tug of his tie.

  “What? And spoil the look on your face when you turned to watch Leagh walk down the aisle and saw me instead?”

  “You’re evil,” I scolded with a mock growl. “These past two days I couldn’t…”