“I’m sure you’ll work things out,” she said, putting her arm round my shoulders.
I’d noticed that whenever Mum hugged me or showed me any kind of affection, it always felt a bit forced and unnatural. It felt wrong to say, like I was being disloyal, but it didn’t feel warm and homely in the same way Nan was with me.
“Tell you what,” she said. “Why don’t we go shopping? That always cheers me up when I’m feeling down.”
“Now?” I asked, surprised. It was a school night, after all.
“Yes!” she said, a bit too excitedly. “Come on, let’s go!”
Nan was fast asleep on the sofa. “Don’t disturb her,” Mum whispered, and grabbed Nan’s car keys from the kitchen. I’d never used shopping as a way to cheer myself up, but it was nice that Mum was making an effort with me. So off we went, leaving Nan and Grandad snoring in the living room and driving to Riverdale, like normal mums do with their daughters.
It was shopping the way I imagined Chloe, Neada and Jess did with their mums – not like with Nan, who’d drag me from one boring shop to another. We walked round Riverdale arm in arm, ogling the expensive jewellery and handbags in the shop windows. We made pretend shopping lists in our heads, imagining all the things we’d buy if we had millions of pounds to spend. We sang loudly to the tunes playing in the shops, making old ladies tut at us. Mum just ignored them and danced in the middle of the shopping centre, making me laugh harder than I had in a long time.
She was so much fun – like an older sister without any responsibilities. She was more fun than Chloe’s mum, and that was saying something. I couldn’t wait for my friends to meet her and see how great she was.
We walked past the shop with the same red dress that Nan wouldn’t let me have. I stared at it dreamily, imagining how beautiful and glamorous I’d look wearing it.
Mum must’ve seen me ogling it.
“Do you like that dress?” she asked.
I nodded. “I tried it on the other day. Nan thinks it’s too short or something.”
“Pfft, what does Nan know?” she said. “I’m your mum and I’ll decide what you can and can’t wear.”
Mum pulled me by the arm into the shop. I knew Nan would kill me if I came home with it, but the fact I couldn’t have it made me want it even more.
“What size are you?”
I picked the size off the rail that had fitted me in the changing room and handed it to her.
“Yeah, that’s gorge,” she said, rubbing the red starry fabric between her palms and fingers. “I knew my daughter would have good taste. You take after me.”
Without saying a word, Mum took it to the checkout and paid for it. I couldn’t believe it – first a phone and now my dream dress!
“Thanks, Mum!” I said, bursting with excitement as she handed me the shopping bag. It was the best present in the world. Chloe was going to be so jealous when she saw it.
“Don’t you worry, my darling,” she replied. “Now, how about we go for something to eat?”
“It’ll be dinner time soon though,” I said, thinking of the time. It was starting to get late. “I know Nan’s got a chicken ready for us in the fridge.”
“Oh, come on,” she said. “Why do you have to be so boring all the time? I fancy a burger.”
We climbed up the escalator to the food hall. I ordered a cheeseburger with a big portion of chips and lemonade. Mum ordered a burger with chips and a Diet Coke. She told me she was watching what she was eating, which I thought was so silly, as she was as thin as a rake. From the corner of my eye I saw her reach into her bag and pull out a hip flask, pouring out whatever contents were left inside it into her drink underneath the table.
“What’s that?” I asked curiously.
“Just something to make it taste better,” she said quickly, and shoved the flask back into her handbag like she had something to hide. “Coke tastes a bit funny on its own, don’t you think?”
I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to eat dinner once we got home, especially after eating such a heavy meal, but it must’ve been all right to eat at that time if Mum said it was. She was the grown-up, after all.
I was having a great time. I never knew mums could be this much fun. We laughed and laughed at the table over the silliest of things, like when we saw an old man snoring on a bench on his own.
But there was a part of me that felt anxious too. I really didn’t want Nan to worry about where we were and I knew what she was like. Nan worries about everything, like if I pop to the newsagent’s on my own and stay looking at the magazines and sweets too long. But I couldn’t ring her myself to tell her I was all right because I’d left my new phone at home.
“So, talk to me about boys,” she said, sipping her Coke slowly through a straw. “Anyone you fancy?”
She’d clearly forgotten that she’d already asked me that question when we’d spoken on the phone. Sometimes it felt as if she never listened to what I said. She never seemed interested in knowing how school was going or what tests I’d passed – just what boys I had a crush on. What was so great about having a boyfriend anyway?
This time, however – and I didn’t know why – all I could think about was Ed. His face and silly expressions kept flipping through my mind like a pack of cards and my tummy felt like it was doing backflips. It must’ve been the guilt setting in again.
“No,” I replied. “I have – well, had – a best boy friend called Ed who I go swimming with, but he doesn’t fancy me.”
Why did I keep thinking about him?! It was so inappropriate.
“I’m sure he does,” Mum replied. “And if he doesn’t fancy you, then he must be blind. We’ve got to dress you up a bit better. Then he’ll notice.”
“Mum,” I said, mortified that someone nearby might’ve heard.
“Trust me,” she said confidently. “I may not be good at everything, but when it comes to men, I know a lot.”
There was one thing I wanted to know that I hadn’t got round to asking Mum about yet. I’d never asked Nan, because speaking about Mum always brought a painful expression to her face, like she was hurting from something. But Mum was in a great mood, and if I knew anything, asking grown-ups for things when they were in a good mood usually meant you could get what you want.
“Who’s my dad?” I asked. “Was it that man you drove off with that time?”
Mum put her drink down and looked at me. I suddenly wished I hadn’t said anything at all. I had a habit of ruining things.
“Why are you asking me that?” she replied, sounding annoyed.
“Well … it’s just that I just don’t know anything about him. I don’t even have a picture of him. I don’t even know his name.”
“It was a mistake,” she answered. “A silly mistake I made at sixteen that I wish I could take back, but hey-ho – it’s one I won’t be making again. I don’t know who he is myself. I couldn’t even begin to know where to look for him. So best try not thinking about it, eh?”
A mistake? Me? My heart felt shattered. Did that mean Mum didn’t really want me at all?
She put her hand on mine from across the table.
“Listen – you’ve got me, and I’ve got you,” she said dismissively, “and that’s all that matters.”
And like that, my heart felt mended again.
We arrived home at ten o’clock, almost three and a half hours after we’d left. Even though I’d had the best time with Mum, I knew I was going to be in so much trouble for not letting Nan know where I was.
But weirdly, I wasn’t the one Nan yelled at.
“Where have you been!” she screamed at Mum as we walked through the door. “I’ve been absolutely frantic!”
She pulled me into her chest and wrapped her arms around me like she never wanted to let me go, resting her face on top of my head and breathing in my hair. Grandad was standing behind her, clutching so hard on to his walking stick that his knuckles were white.
“What the hell were you playing at, An
gela?” he said angrily. “We were about to call the police and file a missing person’s report!”
“Thank God you’re safe,” Nan said to me quietly. I felt Nan was blowing everything out of proportion again, like she always does. At the same time though, it did feel quite nice that Nan had missed me that much.
Mum didn’t seem to care in the slightest. She folded her arms and slouched against the wall.
“You’re acting as though I can’t take my own daughter out for the evening,” she replied. “We went late-night shopping, for God’s sake. I’m perfectly entitled to do that. We were having a nice time.”
I felt bad that she was being yelled at by Nan and Grandad. It felt a bit like she was being ganged-up on. Going out without telling Nan wasn’t that much of a big deal, was it?
“I had a great time, Nan. Honest,” I murmured, though perhaps not quite loud enough. I quickly hid the shopping bag with the dream dress behind my back, just so Mum wouldn’t get in trouble for that too.
“It’s a Thursday night!” Grandad yelled at her. “She has swimming practice tomorrow morning!”
Mum yawned and rolled her eyes. Nan looked as though she wanted to slap her.
“Why don’t you go to your room, Molly?” Nan said, forcing a smile and trying to sound like there wasn’t a problem. “I’ll come upstairs and say goodnight in a minute.”
I really didn’t want to deal with any more drama. Arguments seemed to follow me wherever I went recently, and I was sick of them. I hurried upstairs and closed my bedroom door, trying to block out the sound of the yelling downstairs.
11
Mum was already awake when I got up early for swimming the next morning. I’d almost expected to find her gone after the racket she’d caused last night. The yelling seemed to go on forever and ever, echoing all the way up the stairs and along the landing, until I’d eventually managed to zone it out and fall asleep.
She was sat at the kitchen table, one hand on her forehead and a cup of coffee in the other. She was dressed in a scruffy pink dressing gown that looked older than I was and her hair was tied up in a bun.
Grandad was also sat at the table, munching on some toast and reading the paper. Apart from the rustling of the newspaper, they were both sitting in complete silence, avoiding any kind of eye contact.
“Ready for swimming?” Grandad asked, glancing up at me as I walked in the room. “Let me make you some breakfast.”
“I’ll do it,” Mum offered, getting out of her seat.
“It’s fine, Angela,” he replied sternly, and Mum sat back down. He turned to look at me. “Eggs OK?”
I smiled and nodded, trying to pretend that everything was fine. “Yes, please.”
He went to the fridge and glanced around inside.
“Hmm, we seem to have run out of them. Let me pop to the larder and see if there’s any left in there.”
We watched as Grandad hobbled out of the kitchen. He still looked frail. Mum sipped a bit more coffee, then turned to look at me.
“I seem to be making a grand mess of things, don’t I, Mol?” she said sadly. “I’d been on my best behaviour up until last night and now I’ve ruined it again. I just wanted us to have some fun, that was all.”
“I know you did,” I replied, and I put my arm round her shoulders the way I see grown-ups do whenever there’s a crisis.
“I really shouldn’t have spoken to your nan and grandad like that,” she said. “I shouldn’t have taken you out in the state I was in either. I feel really bad about it. I’ll make it up to you all, I promise. Promise, promise, promise.”
Nan suddenly appeared in the doorway, also in her dressing gown. It wasn’t like her to be up this early.
“Morning,” she said, not very cheerily. She glanced at Mum and then at me.
“I’m really sorry about last night,” Mum said quickly. She did seem genuinely sorry for whatever it was that Nan was unhappy about.
“It’s fine, Angela.”
“No, I really am. I mean, I’d had a bit too much—” Mum started, before Nan put her hand up to tell her to be quiet.
“Not now. Not in front of Molly. It’s fine.”
I didn’t understand why Nan was being so harsh with her, or why – once AGAIN – I was being treated like a child that needed to be left out of things. Mum had apologised, after all. Wasn’t that enough?
“Have you got your swimming things ready?” Nan asked me, changing the subject entirely.
I nodded.
“Oh yeah – swimming!” Mum said a bit too enthusiastically. I could see she was trying her best to be chatty and to make an effort with us. “When’s your competition again?”
“In four weeks,” I replied, and my stomach began churning into knots. I didn’t have much time left to practise and although Mr Davidson kept telling me I was more than ready to compete, I still felt I had a long way to go.
I didn’t want to let anyone down. I wanted to show everyone how great I was. I needed to win.
“I can’t wait to come and watch you,” she said.
My heart skipped a beat. She’d never been to anything I’d taken part in before, although I’d always look out for her and try to spot her in the crowd. Hearing her say those few words made me feel like my life was whole. If in that moment my entire body could’ve beamed with happiness, you would’ve seen it shine from space.
“Are you definitely going to come?” I asked excitedly. “Really? Honestly, I’m going to swim my absolute best for you, Mum. Just you wait.”
“Drink your tea, Molly,” Nan said before Mum could reply, and I fell back down to earth with a bump.
I got into Mr Davidson’s beaten-up car, staring back at the house and praying that Mum would still be at home when I got back. I hoped Nan and Grandad wouldn’t be too harsh on her.
Ed ignored me, of course. We drove off and I let out a huge sigh, staring out of the window and watching the houses fly past us in a long beige blur.
“Right,” Mr Davidson said about five minutes down the road. “I’ve had enough of this.”
Rather than driving the usual way, he took a left turn and went down a different street.
“This isn’t the way to the leisure centre,” Ed said, confused. It was the first thing I’d heard him say for a while.
“I know it’s not,” Mr Davidson said, and pulled into a parking space on the side of the road. He turned the engine off and turned round in his seat to stare at us.
“What is wrong with you two?” he asked. “And don’t say ‘nothing’, because you’ve completely ignored each other the last couple of weeks. There’s something going on and I want it sorted. I thought you were meant to be friends?”
“So did I,” Ed muttered.
“Come on, you two,” said Mr Davidson. “Let’s sort this out. You’re a team. You can’t ignore each other forever. Life’s too short to fall out over petty things.”
“It wasn’t petty to me,” Ed said.
It was clear that Ed was still hurting a lot from what I’d said to him in front of Chloe. I just wish we could’ve sorted it out between just us, rather than in a car with a teacher.
“Anything you have to say to Ed, Molly?” Mr Davidson asked.
I knew that he knew I was to blame for all of this. I could’ve apologised there and then for what I’d said to Ed in front of Chloe – apologised for being so cruel and unkind to him. But admitting what I’d said to Ed in front of Mr Davidson felt too shameful.
“No,” I answered quietly. I glanced down into my lap, hoping the conversation would end there and then.
“Very well then,” Mr Davidson said, and we drove off to the leisure centre without so much as another word.
“Now, have you all got your zoo money?” Mrs Ingram asked everyone when we arrived in class later that morning. Our school always arranges a leaving trip for the Year 6s, and the zoo was what we had voted on.
“Oh God, I completely forgot to bring the money with me,” Neada said, hitting hers
elf on the forehead with her palm. “I’m so forgetful.”
Chloe rolled her eyes at Jess.
“Of course she did,” she said, and sniggered.
“I did as well,” I said, trying to ignore Chloe. “Sorry, Mrs Ingram.”
The truth was, I hadn’t mentioned our zoo trip to Nan, or even bothered handing Mrs Ingram’s letter about it to her. I knew she’d probably moan about how the school was trying to take her money again, or go on about how her mum had never been expected to fork out for day trips when she was at school. She’d always say the same thing: “I’m not made of money, Molly.”
I didn’t want to miss out on the trip, of course, but at the same time I didn’t know how I could ask Nan about it. Money was always such an awkward topic at home. I knew we didn’t have much of it.
“You have until tomorrow morning to get the money to me, you two,” she said to us. “The trip’s on Monday. You don’t want to miss out, do you?”
Neada shook her head. I wasn’t sure if I cared or not.
Jess and Chloe handed her their envelopes of cash. It was easy for them – their parents gave them whatever money they needed.
“Miss, are we allowed to wear normal clothes?” Chloe asked. “I don’t want to be stuck wearing this ugly uniform on a school trip when we’re supposed to be having fun.”
“Well, I was assuming you would all wear your uniforms…” she began to answer.
“Noooooooo!” came a groan of voices from around the room. I kept quiet, hoping Mrs Ingram would hold her ground and stick to the original plan.
“Oh, go on then,” Mrs Ingram said. “I suppose it won’t cause any harm.”
Everyone cheered. I sat in silence.
“You better find something good to wear,” Chloe whispered to me with a smirk, as Mrs Ingram turned her back to us.
Great. Now I had to find something nice to wear to impress Chloe, as well as convincing Nan to give me the money for the school trip. Was the outfit Nan had bought me from Riverdale worthy of her standards? The day was turning into a hugely stressful one.
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