Being Zolt

by D. L. Raver

  “It’s okay. Mine, too.”

  We didn’t speak for the rest of the shower. I went through the process as quickly as possible. I couldn’t help the inexplicable shyness welling in me. We’d done all manner of things to and with each other, both in bed and out. Yet a new tension arose between us born of hurtful words, sexual need, and the revelations of the love we’d both admitted to.

  I guess Zolt felt it too because as I toweled off, he pulled me to him and kissed me. At first, I resisted, but then I gave into him, kissing him back.

  When we broke the kiss, we were both breathless.

  “I love you, Irelyn,” he said, his crystalline-blues warm with the same emotion.

  “I love you, Zolt.” I snuggled into his arms, letting go of the unspoken tension. Being held by him began a healing deep inside.

  “I had your maid Anna pack a suitcase for you when I went to get Rufus. Hannah made space for them in my closet.”

  “I guess that explains how my robe is here. So, they’re in your room?”

  “I want you back in my bed, Irelyn. I’m sorry if that’s presumptuous of me, but I’m hoping you want the same thing. When you’re there, I don’t have nightmares, and I miss sleeping next to you.”

  “I do want that. But to be honest, I’m kind of messed up, Zolt. Mentally, I’m back to where I was right after Chris died, when I couldn’t sleep for weeks without having night terrors.”

  Zolt’s face fell and his eyes turned glacial. “What did Marcus do to you?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it. Can we eat?”

  Zolt squeezed his eyes closed then opened them. He lifted my chin. “All right. But do me a favor?”

  “Okay.”

  “If you won’t talk to me, talk to Brody. The one thing I’ve finally figured out through all this is denial makes it much worse. It only took six years and the woman I loved walking out on me, but I’m there.”

  “I had no intentions of staying away, but he stopped me.” Tears welled in my eyes, and I blinked them away. If I let the tears fall, they’d flow forever.

  “I know,” Zolt said, kissing my forehead.

  “Can we eat now? I’m starving.” I repeated, needing to change the subject even though I wanted to say ‘no, you don’t know’. How could he? Removed from the situation, I could admit Marcus’s attempts to mind-fuck me had worked. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw those horrible images he’d plastered on the walls. Like that, I returned to finding my brother lying in a pool of his own blood with his face bashed in.

  “You’re shaking.” Zolt wrapped his arms around me. “What’s going on, Irelyn?”

  I closed my eyes as I backed away from him. “Nothing. Just hungry.”

  Zolt frowned and cupped my face with his large hands. “You’re lying, but I’ll let it go.”

  “Thank you.” I leaned into his touch, wishing he had the power to chase the images away. But not even Zolt’s touch and our electric current had that kind of power.

  We spent the rest of the day watching movies and cuddling on the couch. Zolt was great, letting me watch sappy, romantic comedies without complaining. The pain in my back had lessened, and I refrained from taking the pain meds.

  Rachel and Cory came over for dinner. They did their best to be upbeat, but a cloud of unease hung over us all. T-bone and Sloan had failed to recover Kenna. When they got to the house, Marcus had abandoned it; I’m guessing they missed her by mere minutes. We tried to stay positive, but every day Kenna stayed with Marcus, the less chance we had of recovering her. And before long, Cory’s father Peter would decide to involve the authorities. But T-bone still had Jackson on the inside, and they were already working on a new plan. The details were all very technical, and quite frankly, made my eyes glass over.

  My guilt over leaving Kenna and Delaney grew worse the longer they remained captive. The list of things I didn’t want to deal with was festering inside me, leaving a lingering, bad taste in my mouth—one born of guilt, impotence, and sadness. I wanted to escape but didn’t know how, so I stuffed my feelings deep inside, knowing they’d burst out in a massive explosion sooner or later.

  When I could no longer keep my eyes open, I went to bed with Rufus following me. Zolt walked me to the guest room, kissing me good night.

  “Good night, baby. Are you sure you’ll be okay alone?” His hand cupped my face, and he kissed me.

  “No. But it’s best for now.” I still needed my space, though part of me needed Zolt more.

  I turned off the lights, and Rufus and I crawled into bed. I fell asleep easily, but before long, the night terrors struck. I was in the room where Marcus held me but instead of the pictures and the footage of Zolt’s injury, both of them were there with me, in living color. Zolt’s leg was positioned at an unnatural angle, and Chris stared skyward with that empty, dead look in his eyes.

  Marcus stood off to the side with a smug and exultant expression. With his arms crossed over his chest, his gray eyes—now black— glittered with impudence, daring me to challenge him. Then, the scene changed, and I was cuffed to the cross with Marcus in front of me, slapping the flogger in his hands. The joyous smile his thin lips curved into turned my blood cold. Just before the flogger connected with my breasts, I woke screaming.

  Even when strong arms surrounded me, cradling me to a firm chest, I couldn’t stop my screams.

  “It’s all right, Irelyn. I’ve got you. You’re safe. I’m here,” he cooed as he stroked my sweat-dampened hair.

  “It’s not all right. It will never be all right again,” I cried.

  Zolt brushed wet strands of hair from my face. “It will be. I’ll make it all right.”

  “How? How can you fix it? He won’t stop until he wins. He’s already taken so much.”

  “Baby, look at me. I won’t let him hurt you ever again. I swear. No matter what, I promise.”

  Brody came in with a syringe in hand. “How about a sedative?”

  I wanted to say no, but I knew I had to if I wanted to sleep. “I take Ambien, but I don’t have it with me.”

  “Let him sedate you. You need to rest. I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep. Okay?” Zolt kissed my forehead.

  Rufus barked as if he understood and needed to put in his two cents. Ben came running in the room and sat next to Rufus. The two dogs and their cuteness instantly relaxed me.

  “Okay,” I relented; they were right. I did need to rest, and to be honest, I seriously didn’t think I could take more terrors.

  Brody gave me a shot and left the room.

  Zolt lay down, and I found my favorite spot on his chest, laying my head down. I breathed him in, loving his familiar warm-and-spicy male scent.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, petting my hair.

  “No.”

  Zolt sighed. “Okay. You can tell me anything.”

  I yawned, my eyelids growing heavy. “I know.”

  Wrapped in his arms, his feelings for me came through; I felt safe and secure. I also felt guilty because I didn’t deserve this. Until Kenna and Delaney were free from Marcus’s evilness, my contentment added to my guilt, trapping me in a vicious circle.

  “I won’t let you slip away from me, Irelyn,” Zolt said as if he could read my mind. “I can see the struggle and guilt in your eyes. It’s okay that you’re here, away from him. We had to save you. It’s the only way you can help them. You have to know that, Irelyn.”

  I lifted my heavy lids and glanced at Zolt. “I do,” I said drowsily. “Kenna’s in trouble because of me. And I’m having trouble reconciling that.”

  “Lean on me.” Zolt caressed my cheek with his finger. “Let me help you.”

  “Okay.” Wrapped in Zolt’s arms, I closed my eyes and let sleep claim me.

  I slipped out of the bed, leaving Irelyn fast asleep. In the hall, I met up with Brody on his way to bed.

  “Is she asleep?” Brody asked.

  “Yep.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “She needs to
talk, Brody. She won’t talk to me, but it’s clear Marcus’s injuries weren’t just physical.”

  “I’m sure,” he agreed. “Give her time, Zolt. It’s only been a few days.”

  “I hate feeling powerless, but I don’t want to push because I get it. I understand exactly where she’s at. It hurts me to see her in so much pain and to see her carry guilt over something that’s not her fault.”

  “I know it does, brother.” He smiled at me.

  “What?”

  “I never thought I’d see this day.”

  “What day?”

  “The day Zolt Hamil started to emerge from his own injuries. I like it. It’s even better that the catalyst is a woman.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Who knew?”

  “Not me.” Brody ran a hand through his short hair. “I’m beat and tomorrow’s another day. I’ll see if I can get her to talk.”

  I nodded and continued down the hall toward my bedroom, then stopped. “Hey, Brody.”

  “Yeah?” he said and turned around.

  “Thanks for staying. We couldn’t have done this without you.”

  He inclined his head. “You’re welcome. Don’t worry, baby bro, I’m not going anywhere.”

  I smiled as I made my way to my room, happy my brother remained, but at the same time, acknowledging that Brody couldn’t stay forever. He had a life and career in Colorado to get back to, but I knew he’d stay as long as we needed him. My brother was good like that.

  T-bone showed up early the next morning with Chris Wilkes’s laptop in hand. We went into my office and T closed the door.

  “I don’t want Irelyn to deal with this until you’re sure she’s ready, but my tech guy obtained access.” He set the laptop on my desk. The grim expression on his face told me what they’d found wasn’t good.

  “And?” I asked, staring at the laptop, afraid to touch it, worried its contents would explode.

  “We found Chris’s personal video journal. He only made one entry about two months before his death. It’s fucked up, Z-man.”

  “Fuck.” I closed my eyes and exhaled. I opened them and asked, “How fucked up?”

  “Apparently, Jacob found himself in some serious shit and turned to Marcus for help. In return, Marcus wanted Irelyn. However, Chris doesn’t say what kind of trouble Jacob found himself in.”

  I stiffened and the hairs on my neck rose. “Are you shitting me?”

  “I’m not. He talks about how angry he’d been with his father and how he wasn’t about to let Jacob give Irelyn to Marcus. Soon after, Chris died.”

  “Marcus had Chris murdered, didn’t he?” My stomach hit my feet, and I had to wonder if Irelyn knew.

  “My best guess is, yes, he did. I’m also guessing Wilkes knows the truth.”

  “Shit, T, what kind of father does that to his daughter? To his son?”

  “A man who is in serious trouble and doesn’t see any way out.”

  “This will kill Irelyn.” I shook my head, not relishing having to tell her.

  “She knows, Z. She has to. Let’s think about this.” T sat back in his chair and stroked his bald head. “If I’m Marcus and I want Irelyn to play by my rules, I’d need her to see exactly what I’m capable of, which is why she lied to you.”

  “So, he told her the entire sordid story and scared the shit out of her so she’d lie.”

  “Yep. Anyway, Irelyn needs to watch the video. She needs to hear it from her brother’s mouth. Then, I suggest we go to Quebec and see her father.”

  “Oh, God.” I clasped my hands behind my neck.

  “You need to be there for her, Z-man. But we have to do this sooner rather than later. Peter Campbell isn’t going to give us much more time before he involves the authorities. Once that happens, we lose all the ground we’ve made. Marcus has connections—deep connections. It’s how he buried the investigation into Chris’s death. How deep and far those connections go is anyone’s guess. Too much longer, and Campbell is going to tell us to fuck off.”

  “What about the auction? Has there been any movement on that?”

  T scrolled through his phone and handed it to me. “We intercepted this email today. Marcus rerouted the messages to a different IP address, but my tech guys are brilliant. He probably knows we’re watching him, but I’m certain he has no clue just how deep we are.”

  “Just how deep are we?” I asked.

  “Jackson turned up some dirt on one of Marcus’s goons. He’s got the dude’s balls in a vise grip and made him sing like a songbird.” T-bone shifted in his chair and adjusted himself.

  We both did. Men hated to think of any man’s balls being squeezed to the point of pain, even if metaphorically.

  “A high-pitched songbird, I’d imagine.”

  “Word. Anyway, as you can see from the email, he’s drumming up interest and hasn’t set a date yet. I can imagine he’s got a few sick fucks chomping at the bit to bid on Kenna’s virginity.”

  “What the hell? Marcus has no boundaries, does he?”

  “I haven’t told Campbell. Like I said, we need him to let us do what we need to do. Interestingly enough, he’s still advertising the sex club at the O’Shea Ranch. Makes me wonder why Marcus feels so secure there? And it tells me he has no idea we recently visited. Has Irelyn said anything about her time with Marcus?”

  “No. Last night, she had a nightmare that scared the shit out of me, but she won’t talk about it.” I played with the letter opener, twirling it between my fingers. “I wish she’d open up, but far be it from me to push her. Denial is a mighty large river.”

  “And you’re the poster boy for staying on shore,” T-bone laughed.

  “Ha! So what do we do about Kenna?” I asked, ignoring T. “Irelyn is drowning in guilt about leaving Kenna and Delaney behind.”

  “Well, that’s what I want to ask you about. What do you think about having someone show interest in Kenna? I have a former client who owes me a favor, a big favor. We could get him invited to the auction. This wouldn’t be a surprise since he’s been known to swing in some questionable crowds. All we have to do is set up a bank account showing the available funds.”

  “And that’s where I come in,” I said, tossing the letter opener on my desk. “You want me to fund the account.”

  “You’re a smart man, Z. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.” T-bone pointed his index finger at me. “If you don’t do it, then I have to tell Campbell. I’m confident we can extricate her that night.” He checked his Rolex on his wrist. “I have to go. The wife has a doctor’s appointment. I don’t want her driving by herself.”

  “She’s due anytime?”

  “Yeah, next week.” T-bone beamed, and I had to smile at the large, black man sitting opposite me. The proud daddy-to-be gave me a goofy smile, and I had to remind myself this face used to stare down an entire defensive line on the football field.

  He walked to the door with me following.

  “So, I’ll touch base with you after I talk to Max and see if he’s willing to play with us. I’m sure he won’t pass up the chance, the kinky asshole. You’ll talk to Irelyn about going to Quebec?”

  I nodded. “I will when she wakes. I’m letting her sleep. By the way, thanks for dealing with that woman the other day.”

  T-bone opened the door. “What, you don’t want Irelyn to find out we found you drunk and naked in your apartment with some random woman?”

  “You were what?” Irelyn said, appearing out of nowhere. Her eyes narrowed in my direction.

  T-bone spun around. “Irelyn. Uh, hi. How are you?”

  “Fine. So you found Zolt drunk and naked with a woman?”

  T shrugged and kissed Irelyn on the cheek. Without a word, the big man made a hasty exit.

  So much for my offensive line. It just crumbled in front of my eyes, I thought ruefully.

  “Zolt?” Irelyn asked. Her hurtful tone made me cringe.

  My mind scanned for possible answers. In the end, I decided to tell the truth.


  “I lost it after you called. I threw my phone against the wall then left, driving to the closest bar. I picked up a woman, took her to my apartment where we got fucked up.”

  “So you partied with her?” Her eyes were no longer narrowed but pain-filled.

  “Yeah.” My eyes drifted downward, and my stare landed on my shoes. I couldn’t stand to see the hurt in her face; hearing it in her voice killed me enough. “Brody and T showed up hours later and kicked my ass.”

  “Did you fuck her?” Her voice cracked, and so did my heart.

  “No. I wanted to; needed to. The plan had been to fuck you off my mind. But when I tried, I couldn’t.”

  “Oh.” She wiped a tear from her face.

  Then I did the worst thing possible. Instead of sanctioning my response and walking away, I got pissed. In reality, my anger came from me being so weak.

  “Hold on a moment, you don’t get to be upset about this. As far as I knew, you left me and were marrying Marcus. So don’t you dare start with the waterworks?”

  I heard my dickish words fall from my mouth, but that didn’t stop my lips from flapping more vitriol in her direction. I wish I could blame it on my shadow self or even Crazy Zolt, but this was all me.

  “I didn’t have a choice. I—”

  “Neither did I. You left.”

  “Only after you flipped out. But I didn’t run to Marcus.”

  “I didn’t know that, did I?”

  “You have no idea what he did—what he said.” Tears streamed down her face.

  Once again, I’d brought Irelyn to tears. Why did I have to be such a fucking bastard? “You’re right. I have no idea what happened because you haven’t told me.”

  “He killed my brother, Zolt. He bashed in his head without so much as a thought. The man I let take my virginity murdered my brother, and he threatened you and Kenna. So, yes, I went with him, and I did exactly what he wanted me to do. You know why?”

  I shook my head, once again shocked by my own inability to shut the fuck up.

  “I did it to save you. I couldn’t let him hurt you again, not when I had to power to stop him. And yeah, you’re probably right, I don’t have the right to be upset, but I am. Screw this!” Irelyn ran from the room, slamming the door behind her. A minute later, I heard another door down the hall slam, as well.