by J. D. Rivera
Me: Saw that you called. I was out taking a walk.
Short and sweet. No need to say anything else. I knew he would say what needed to be said next. Sure enough, I was right.
Cooper: We need to talk. Can I come pick you up?
Me: I can just come over. What time?
Cooper: Now.
I didn’t text anything back. Instead I jumped in the shower. I may have been the one to end our relationship, but I didn’t want him seeing me at my worst.
When I was done with my shower, I put on makeup and fixed my hair in a cute ponytail. I even put on a cute little jean skirt with a glittery shirt for my favorite basketball team, the OKC Thunder. As I was sliding on my flip-flops, I took one last look in the mirror and decided I was presentable.
It was a short drive to Cooper’s apartment from Jen’s, maybe ten minutes at the most. I drove around for about twenty minutes, trying to put off the inevitable.
I parked my car and checked my makeup one last time before getting out. As I was walking up the sidewalk to his door—it seemed odd, not thinking of it as my door too—I took deep calming breaths. I stood in front of the door for a little longer than needed, trying to get my act together. I finally rang the doorbell, and he instantly opened it, as if he’d been waiting on me or watching out the window.
After he opened the door he just stood in the doorway and looked at me with sadness on his face.
Finally he stepped out of the way and told me in a miserable voice, “Come in. This is your apartment too. You didn’t need to ring the doorbell.”
I entered after him and sat on the couch. “It really isn’t my place anymore. I don’t know where I’ll be living in the future so if you don’t mind storing my things for me, just get them out of the way or I’ll have Chris pick them up.”
He walked into the kitchen and came back with two glasses of lemonade. He handed me a glass and sat down beside me. “It can stay here forever. You may think we’re over, but I don’t plan on giving up on us. I’ll fix this.”
“I really don’t want to get into that right now. Why don’t we just talk about the bomb I dropped on you last night?” I wanted to get the whole thing over with so I could get out of there quickly.
He turned his body, putting one leg on the couch so he could look right at me. “How long have you known?”
I focused on the TV, which was off because I couldn’t look in his eyes. “I found out the day I broke things off. In fact I had just come from the university medical clinic.”
“Oh. Okay.” He sipped his drink.
“Anyway, the doctor did a test. Apparently what we thought was a stomach virus was really morning sickness. That’s all I know. I scheduled an appointment for a few weeks out with an ob-gyn.”
I finally turned my head and looked at him. He was staring at me. I couldn’t really read the emotion on his face. It was probably a mixture of a lot of things.
“I’m actually really excited to be a father. Well, mostly excited to be having a baby with you. I always knew we would have a family one day. In my head it was after we were both out of college, but I graduate next month and I’ll help you complete your last year.”
He spoke as if we were still together.
“I appreciate that. I’m sure we can work out some sort of visitation, and I can plan my class schedule around that. You already have a great job lined up, so maybe you can help me with daycare when I have to take daytime classes.” I still wanted him to be an active part of our child’s life, but we would not be together.
“Of course. We’ll figure all of that out when the time comes. I do want to make myself clear, though: I am not giving up on us,” he said, tone straightforward and firm. “Not now, not anytime in the future, not ever. You are it for me, always have been.”
I tried to lighten the mood. “Oh, I haven’t always been. You dated plenty before me.”
“They meant nothing to me, and you know it. While I was with every one of those girls, I was wishing I was with you.”
I hadn’t lightened things at all. “Okay, well, I’m going to go. I’ll let you know how the doctor appointments go.” I started to stand.
He stood with me and placed his hands on both sides of my face, looking me straight in the eyes. “I know I fucked up. I get that you think I chose partying over you. I never saw it like that until you left, and I’m sorry. I promise I am going to grow up and show you that you and our baby mean the world to me. I am going to win you back. I love you with all my heart and I know you feel the same way about me. We belong together.”
Tears started flowing down my face. We stared at each other for a minute or two, then I finally broke away and left the apartment, shutting the door behind me. I leaned back against it and tried to collect myself. I wanted to believe everything that he said, but I couldn’t. I had to think about our baby.
The following Monday, I was leaving my last class of the day, and I found myself walking to the park—the park that Cooper and I went to that first night he asked me out. That time of year, all of the flowers were starting to bloom or were already blooming. The grass was mostly green, with just a few patches of dead grass.
I rounded a corner to see the bench in front of a small pond. Our bench. The bench we sat on when Cooper asked me out the first time.
That bench held one of the best memories of my life.
We had come there a lot over the years and watched the geese on the pond. During the warm months, we loved to watch all of the families picnicking and flying kites. I’d used to daydream about Cooper and me bringing our kids there in the future.
My reality was that we would bring our child there, but separately.
I sat down and began thinking over all of the different things Cooper and I would need to talk about in the near future, I heard a voice. “Can I sit with you?”
I looked up to see Cooper standing a few feet from the bench. He was wearing his nice work clothes: black dress pants with a blue button-down shirt paired with a black tie. He looked really nice, although I preferred him in just his comfy T-shirts.
“Sure,” was all I could get out of my mouth.
He sat down beside me, placing his elbows on his thighs. He looked off at the small fountain in the center of the pond, and I turned my head to do the same. The geese and ducks were out swimming, occasionally bobbing their heads under the water to look for food.
“I needed a place to remember us, besides the apartment. I thought it might help me think, and then here you were.” He said as he looked over at me.
My eyes began to tear up. I didn’t really know what to say or if he even wanted me to say anything. I thought he was just blurting out what was going through his mind.
I looked at him for a few seconds, then turned back to the pond. “This has always been my place to think. It holds some really great memories for me. For both of us, I think.”
Silence fell. I looked back at him.
He was staring at me. “The best memory of my life was made right here on this bench. Do you remember that night?”
I shook my head as he went on.
“I was so nervous, but I knew it was a now-or-nothing type of thing. You were—you still are—so beautiful, and I had to ask you out before some other guy did. I wasn’t going to watch another guy date you while I stood back any longer. I was so relieved when you said you would go out with me.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that. There was no way to stop the tears flowing down my face. I had to leave, or else I would have a full meltdown. “I should go, Cooper. I really can’t have this conversation with you. We’re both hurting right now. I don’t think we should rehash old memories and hurt each other more.”
I got up from the bench. “I’ll call you about anything to do with the baby as it comes up.” I walked away.
I heard him whisper, “Okay,” as I left.
I drove back to Jen’s apartment with the radio up as loud as it would go and rocked out to an old Bon Jovi song.
I just wanted to drive and sing. If I started thinking again, I would have a crying attack, and I couldn’t do that and drive. I pulled up to the apartment and noticed Jen’s car in her space. I walked into the apartment just as she was grabbing her purse to leave.
“Hey, do you ever answer your phone?” she asked.
“I do when I’m not in class,” I answered. “What’s up?”
“I’m going on a shopping spree. Come with me?” she pleaded in the whiniest voice.
“I’m really not feeling up to it. I just had a run-in with Cooper, and I just want to lie down for a while.” I turned from her, starting down the hall to my borrowed bedroom.
“Okay, suit yourself, but one day you’re going to have to come out of that bedroom and live a little.”
She had a point. I had been hanging out in my bedroom a lot lately. “Fine! I’ll go with you but can we just do a pedicure, and then you can drop me back over here before you go shopping? The thought of shopping makes me want to pull my hair out right now.”
“Yay! Let’s go!” she practically yelled. Before I knew what was happening, she grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway and out the door. We got into her red Ford Edge, and she was basically giddy.
She pumped up the music extra loud. We didn’t really talk the entire drive to the nail salon because we were too busy singing our hearts out to any song that came on the radio. I was starting to feel a little better, and I was so glad I had a friend like Jen, who would make me leave the house and help me forget about my life.
I was sitting in the massage chair, enjoying the relaxation and letting the petite lady paint my toes pink with cute little flowers on my big toes.
“Isn’t this so much more fun than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself?” Jen asked while giggling, which was her attempt at tact.
“You’re completely right. This is a lot more fun than sitting at home thinking about my craptastic life,” I said with a smile.
“Well, I’m glad you’re admitting I’m right. Too bad you can’t drink right now. That would totally get you out of your funk. At least for a couple of hours, anyway.”
We both started laughing. She really was a wonderful friend.
After the amazing pedicure—in which, I took full advantage of the massage chair—we headed out to Jen’s vehicle.
“Will you at least come with me to Target? I want to pick out some new bedding for my room.” She made a pleading baby face.
“I guess. But only because Cold Stone is inside. I’ll be able to get some, right?”
“Of course. You can’t leave Target without getting some ice cream on a regular day. Now that you’re pregnant, we may have to stop there before shopping.”
I smiled. “Maybe before and after?”
She thought I was kidding.
We made it to Target, but instead of running for the ice cream, I almost literally ran for the nearest bathroom. Apparently, massage chairs made pregnant women need to pee. Badly.
I yelled at Jen, “Hey, I’ll meet you in the bedding section.”
She nodded ‘yes’ to let me know that she had heard me.
I took care of that and was slowly making my way back towards the bedding when I saw a carton of cheese puffs. Suddenly ravenous, I grabbed the carton, and it took everything in me not to open the carton right there in the store.
I finally found Jen and threw the carton of cheese puffs into the cart. I needed them out of my hands. “I’m not sure what is happening to me, but I can’t seem to control myself around food today. I almost opened up those cheese puffs right there in the aisle.”
“It’s called pregnancy cravings. Hey, which bedding design do you like better? The black and white, or the brown and pink?
I looked over both designs. “The black and white. But you know what? If I have a little girl, I’m totally going with a brown and pink nursery.”
“Hey, you wanna stop in that department and take a look? Just for fun?”
My smile broadened. “Sure. That would be fun.”
The baby section was a little overwhelming, to say the least. There were way too many different designs to choose from: butterflies, monkeys, jungle, and airplanes—anything you could think of.
As I was looking over all of the designs, a woman standing next to me offered, “If you think this is a lot, go to one of the baby stores. They have entire walls of the stores dedicated to just bedding.”
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Yes. They also carry anything and everything to do with having and caring for a baby. If you need or want it, they sell it.”
“Um. Wow. I guess I’ve never thought of a whole store being devoted to just babies. I guess it makes sense, since Toys“R”Us is dedicated to just toys.”
I guess Jen had walked to a different aisle without me noticing because I noticed her walk back over to me, carrying a small, handheld breast pump. She stuck it up to my boob and started pumping, giggling. “We definitely need to get you one of these.”
A couple of cute, twenty something, guys had stopped and were staring at Jen pump my boob.
I was mortified. “Oh my gosh, Jen. Stop it, now!”
By yelling, I had just caused more people to stop and stare.
“Sorry. I was just playing around. I’ll go put it up. Come on. Let’s look at the rest of the baby stuff.” She pulled my hand and, we left that aisle and went to the breast pump aisle. She placed the pump back on the shelf where it belonged.
Seeing all of the baby stuff was starting to get to me. “Jen, this all so overwhelming. I basically just found out I’m pregnant. I don’t think I can look at all of this stuff right now.”
“Okay. Let’s pay and go get you some ice cream. Then you can tear into those cheese puffs in the car.”
“That sounds like a great plan. Would it be gross if I put some cheese puffs in my ice cream?”
“Oh my gosh. Are you kidding? Please be kidding. That is disgusting!”
A few weeks had gone by, and I hadn’t heard from Cooper except for the amazing gift he left on our doorstep: a pregnancy body pillow. He was always sweet and caring, making sure I was comfortable or had what I wanted. He was giving me space and trying to respect me.
It was the day of my first doctor appointment with my ob-gyn, whom I had just picked out of the phonebook. I was really nervous to go by myself.
If I called Cooper, he would have dropped everything and gone with me, but I wanted the distance. I’d invite him to the ultrasound appointment but I knew these appointments were very generic. Jen had a very important class that day, and asking my brother seemed weird because he shouldn’t find anything out before Cooper.
So, there I was, alone. Even though I knew not a lot would happen that day, I was still really nervous.
“Emily Reynolds,” I finally heard, a nurse calling me into the back room. The nurse asked a series of health-related questions, and I answered all of them to the best of my ability.
She didn’t ask much about the father, for which I was grateful. I really didn’t want to explain our situation.
After all the questions, she handed me a gown. “I’ll be back after you’ve changed into the gown. We will have to do a vaginal ultrasound, today just to check the baby’s measurements, and we should be able to hear a heartbeat.”
A few minutes after I had changed into my gown, the nurse came back in the room. She laid me back on the table and raised up the plastic cover-up blanket to insert the ultrasound wand. I looked on the screen, and she started moving the mouse of the computer. She turned up a volume icon, and I heard a thumping noise.
“Is that my baby?” I asked.
“Yes, that’s the baby. He or she sounds very good, and if you look on the screen, that right there is your baby.” She pointed to an image I couldn’t make out. “He or she looks great too. I’m just going to get some measurements.”
I couldn’t have been more wrong about these appointments. They were not generic at all.
> I had just heard and saw my baby’s heart beating inside me. My baby. Cooper’s baby. Our baby.
Tears rolled down my face, and all I could think was that Cooper should have been there to hear and see his baby. I felt like such a selfish bitch.
The nurse printed out a few ultrasound pictures of the baby, but I still couldn’t make anything out. The rest of the appointment was either pretty uneventful or I was too emotionally dazed after the ultrasound.
After the appointment, I went to my scheduled class and sat down. I was on an emotional high, thinking about the baby’s heartbeat and looking at the ultrasound pictures, when Ben, the guy from the coffee shop, sat down next to me. I put the pictures away in my purse and looked over at him.
“How has your day been?” he asked, sounding chipper.
“It’s been interesting, I guess.” I sounded pretty chipper, myself.
He smiled. “Well, that’s wonderful, but it’s about to go downhill with this class. It’s so boring, it’s hard for me to stay awake.”
I smiled back. “I know. The professor has the most monotone voice I have ever heard.”
The professor came in and started his lecture, silencing all conversation in the room. I got lost taking notes while trying to stay awake. Luckily, Ben kept me entertained by drawing funny things on his notebook paper. It seemed very high school, but I didn’t care; I was in the mood to laugh.
After class, Ben stopped me outside the classroom. “I was wondering if I could take you out sometime?”
“I’d love to go out sometime as friends.” I hoped that we could continue down the friendship path and I wouldn’t have to tell him my news, just yet. For some reason, I didn’t want everyone knowing I was pregnant—I think it was because I had no future plans, and I was afraid people would ask.
“Yeah. Sure, as friends. Of course.”
