Here's to Now

by Teagan Hunter

  Haley reaches over and lays a gentle hand on mine. Peace. It’s what I feel inside me when she touches me. Every messed up thought, every speck of anger, it all simply floats away.

  Right now is no different.

  “I was hauled into the station, a place I’d already been a few times in my short life.” Her eyes light up at this news. “All minor. Mostly shoplifting.” She nods. “Anyway, I’m cuffed to this officer’s desk, not the one who brought me in but another guy, some douche assigned to desk duty. The office is buzzing. Apparently as soon as we walked in, there was a massive car accident over on Eighth and they needed as many hands as possible to help keep the growing crowd in check. It was…”

  Feeling suffocated, I abruptly throw open my door and stumble out. Just like every time I let a little glimpse of that night slip through a crack in my carefully locked up memory, I get dizzy and disoriented. I blunder around the street, knowing I look drunk or high or completely messed up.

  And I am messed up, on the inside. I don’t talk about that night. I don’t discuss what happened after I found the dead kid in my bathroom. I don’t tell anyone how I ruined the lives of seven people. I don’t think about it—at all. Bringing it up so often these last few weeks is really starting to get to me. I can feel the fissures in my carefully created sense of calm turning into hollow holes, opening up space for the pain and anger to flow out.

  Back and forth, back and forth. I pace a path in front the restaurant, sucking in large gulps of air, trying to get myself calmed down. I narrowly avoid getting plowed over by a passing car, but I’m in such a daze I don’t care. I need to breathe and…

  I

  Wheeze.

  Can’t.

  Wheeze.

  Breathe.

  Wheeze.

  “Gaige!”

  I hear it. Physically, I fucking hear her call my name, but I don’t listen. I continue to walk, continue to try to shove away my thoughts.

  Step. Step. Step.

  I move hard and fast, my feet pounding into the pavement. I don’t know where I’m going or why I’m walking so swiftly, but I have to get away from—

  SLAM!

  My knees hit the concrete and I drop my head into my hands. The burning sensation in my lungs starts to subside. The pounding in my head dissipates. Everything…dwindles.

  Glancing up at the street sign lining the corner, I notice where I am.

  Eighth Street.

  My shoulders sag with guilt. My world stops spinning. Everything gets quiet, then loud all at once…or maybe that’s the rapid click-clack of someone following me. Glancing behind me, I see Haley with her arms around herself, trying to create some friction to heat up her exposed skin.

  She’s cold. I’m overheated.

  She looks confused. I’m a sad fragment of a broken man.

  I’m also a fucking asshole so caught up in whatever’s stuck in my mind, I left her. Then I kept walking away. Somehow, I ended up here.

  Rushing to her, I wrap her in my embrace. She falls into me and begins to sob quietly. I lightly rub her back, trying to soothe her cries. I pull back and tilt her face upward toward mine.

  “You scared me.”

  I lean my forehead against hers and grimace. “I’m sorry, Hales. I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “You couldn’t breathe, you wouldn’t slow down, and wouldn’t listen to anything. You plowed over some stranger on the street, were almost hit by three different cars, and yet you still kept going. I couldn’t stop you.”

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I-I’m okay now.”

  “What happened?”

  “I did, Hales. I happened.” Her brows draw together in confusion and I kiss away the crease they create, hoping this won’t be the last kiss we share. “That car accident? It was my parents. They were on their way to the station to pick me up.”

  “Oh, Gaige.”

  “This…” I gulp. “This is where they died.”

  “Gaige…”

  “I fucked up, Hales. Big time. I fucked it up for everyone. For them. For me. For her. This was all my fault. It was my burden to carry and I handed it off to someone else.” In a fit of sorrow, I slap my hands against my head, trying to whack out the images burning into my mind, trying to drive out the guilt.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid!

  “Stop it! Stop it! Please!” Her hands come around me, pinning my arms down before I can try to hit myself again. I’ve never lost physical control before. All my panic attacks and anxiety issues have always been internal; I’ve never acted out in a volatile manner.

  This, tonight, it’s different. Tonight, I turned into the same monster that walked away, a man I haven’t been in years.

  Tonight, I vow to change.

  More choked sobs fill the night air.

  And they’re not coming from Haley.

  “How are you?”

  “In pain.”

  “Physically?”

  “Worse—emotionally.”

  “But you’ll be okay?”

  “Someday, Hales. Someday.”

  It takes well over an hour for me to fully calm down, for me to be able to breathe again without hiccupping. To be able to open my eyes and not want to claw them out.

  To start forgiving myself.

  For the first time since that night, I cried over my parents. I cried over my stupidity. I cried over how unfair and mean and ugly I was to them. I cried for myself and what I lost, for my actions, for my reactions, and for what my life once was.

  And it felt good.

  It was healing, in a way. I think I needed it. I’ve been closed off on so many emotional levels since I was sixteen, and that’s been unfair to not only everyone else, but to myself.

  It’s starting to become clear just how much I’ve missed out on. I missed out on being a kid all those years ago. I missed out on being there for my family, and I sure as hell missed out on being a good son.

  Life dealt me a hand, and I played it like a fool.

  I don’t know if Haley being here fueled my breakdown, but knowing she was right there with me through the whole ordeal kept me grounded so I didn’t completely lose my shit. She hugged me, trying to fit the pieces back together, and I needed it more than she could ever know.

  We’re sitting on the steps of a closed shop. Haley’s planted a step above me, tracing her fingers across my back, drawing hearts and writing out I love you, though I don’t think I’m supposed to know that.

  A smile slips out. She loves me. She fucking loves me. How in the hell did I get so lucky with her? How was I able to find her? I don’t deserve her, but I want her. I need her.

  And I fucking love her too.

  I spin around and rest my knees against the steps so I’m eye level with her. She leans back at the sudden movement. Then, with a mischievous grin, she regains herself and inches closer. I lean in until my lips are mere inches from hers, breathe in her unique scent, and descend. My lips meet hers and I tell her I love her in the best way I can right now. I give back every letter she drew on my back with the gentle sweeps of my tongue against hers. Then I give her more, promising to love her forever, always.

  Somehow, in this dark and dreary world I live in, I found light. I found hope. I found Haley.

  I kiss away all my doubts, all my anger, all my regrets. I kiss away anything bad and focus on the now. Here. With Haley. I have to; it’s what will keep me going.

  A passerby clears their throat and I, regrettably, pull my lips from hers. She smirks up at me.

  “Can’t resist me, huh, Addams?”

  “Never,” I tell her, not daring to pretend otherwise.

  A spark flashes in her eyes as she stands, dusting off the backs of her leggings. She sticks her hand out to me, much like I did earlier, and says, “Come on.”

  That night, I stopped going home. There was no point. Sure, I grabbed clothes here and there, but I didn’t spend another night away from Haley’s bed. I’ve no idea whether her witnessing my breakdown had som
ething to do with it, or if it was us admitting our love—although we didn’t really do so out loud—but we both settled on it.

  Since then, for all intents and purposes, we’ve been living together. I’ve had my own key for a while now. It’s weird how a single piece of nickel silver can change your life, can open doors—literally. Now, we haven’t made this living arrangement official, but I have a fucking key and a drawer and I’m here every night—that’s about as official as you can get. Do I still spend as much time as possible with my siblings? You bet. Do I still hang out with Tuck and Hudson when I can? Yep.

  But does Haley know about my siblings and my situation with them? Uh…no. Do Hudson and Tuck know I’m dating Haley? Another negative.

  Sure, I opened up about my parents, but I’m not telling her I left my family twice, not after she’s expressed several times how distraught she gets when she hears of someone abandoning their baby.

  Basically, I’m still a complete tool.

  Now I just have a key to the toolbox.

  See? I suck.

  “Do you want a water?”

  “Sure, hotcakes, but we have to make sure to drink them before we get to security. Actually, wait, no. I don’t want one. It’s just going to make me have to pee and I hate peeing on an airplane.”

  I groan at her now all-too-frequently-used nickname for me. “You’re a handful, woman.”

  “You love me!” she hollers back.

  “I do,” I mutter to myself, not sure if she realizes what she said.

  I stuff a bottle of water for myself into a pocket on my backpack—because I have the bladder of a camel—and meet her at the door. “Ready?”

  “I cannot believe you’re making me go to Vegas.” She says the last word with disgust, her lips curled up.

  “You know, for someone who is all into the fairytale Disney shit, you sure are hard to woo.”

  “Oh, Gaige. You woo me every day.”

  “Because of my impressive abs?”

  “Of course.” She smiles, patting my flat stomach on her way past me and through the door. I pat myself on the back for being able to keep up with my gym routine these last few months.

  Grinning, I lock the door and pull the strap of my backpack higher up on my shoulder as I watch her skip—literally—down the hallway. I shake my head as I jog to catch up, giving her a hard thwack on the ass.

  “Hey! Watch it! I could have ninja chopped your ass!”

  “Yes, because I’m deathly afraid of your ninja chops.” I lean into her and whisper, “They feel like butterflies kissing my skin.”

  She leans away and shoots me a look. “You’re going to regret that.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Are we really going to Vegas? I can’t believe my sister is getting married soon.”

  “I can’t believe your sister is marrying my best friend.”

  “But Vegas for a bachelor/bachelorette party? How cliché.”

  “Oh, shush,” I tell her. “You’re going and you’re going to enjoy it, or else.”

  “You can’t just ‘or else’ me all ominously like that.”

  “How the hell else are you supposed to say it? The entire point behind it is to be ominous.”

  “Whatever.” She shrugs as she pushes open the door, “forgetting” to hold it open for me too. “I just haven’t been to Vegas since…well, since before my cancer stuff. It wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

  Ignoring how she lightly tosses out the dreaded C word, I ask, “Wait, you’ve been to Vegas before?”

  “Yeah? Hasn’t everyone over the age of twenty-one? It’s, like, a rite of passage.”

  “Yeah, no. I’ve never been. Never really cared to go.”

  “Right, bad boy Gaige Addams didn’t want to go to Sin City. I call bullshit.”

  Opening the car door for her, I say, “No, really. I’m actually quite fond of Wakefield and haven’t thought much about traveling.”

  Somehow making an action as simple as getting into a car look delicate, she says, “You surprise me more and more every day, Gaige.”

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  She smiles. “Never.”

  Climbing in behind the wheel, I back us out of the parking space—my very own designated one, mind you—and head out toward Logan International.

  “So, what are we going to tell people when we arrive at the airport together?”

  “Oh, please. Like they’ll see us exit the car together. We’ll just say we bumped into one another. BOOM. Mic drop.” Then she does the classic mic drop movement, and I fall in love with her just a little bit more.

  “We’re still hiding this?”

  When she doesn’t say anything for several seconds, I peek over at her, only to find her staring at me with a blank expression.

  “If that’s what you want to call it.”

  The lack of emotion in her voice tells me I said something wrong, but I don’t know what.

  Sighing, I flip on the radio and turn up the music, knowing that whatever is bothering her will come out eventually. Haley isn’t one to wallow in her annoyance.

  I’m right, because not even two minutes later, she flips off the radio and turns to me, squaring her shoulders and notching her chin up an inch.

  “I don’t like that you think we’re ‘hiding’ this.”

  “Aren’t we, though?”

  “No!” she shouts, and I flinch. I’ve only ever heard her truly raise her voice one time in the year and some change I’ve known her. This surprises me.

  I don’t say anything because I don’t agree with her. We are hiding it, even if it is unintentional. We never thought it was necessary to let people know about our relationship, so we never have, but we’ve had opportunities to show up to get-togethers as a couple and haven’t. So, yeah, I’d say we’re hiding it.

  I’m done hiding. I’ve spent my life in the shadows of pain and embarrassment.

  Clearly she doesn’t feel the same way.

  “Fine. You’re right.”

  Or maybe she does.

  “I am?” I ask, flabbergasted.

  “Yes, and I’m sorry. I’m… I don’t know. I love having something for myself, you know? And I think—no, I know—Rae is going to be pissed at me when she finds out how long we’ve been together. Hell, how long we’ve known one another. I just got my sister back. I can’t lose her again.”

  Grating my teeth together, I choose my next words cautiously. “I think that’s bullshit.” Okay, so maybe I didn’t work too hard at choosing my words, but fuck, she’s driving me mad with this crap.

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me, Haley.” I flick my eyes toward her just in time to see her react to me using her full name, something I don’t do often. “I think it’s bullshit. It’s a stupid, lame reason. At first, I understood. We were just friends, not even good friends, just two people finding comfort in one another. Then, it grew into something physical. I even understood keeping it under wraps then. It was something new and we had no idea if it was going to become anything. But it did. It became something big. We’re practically living together now. Why in the hell are we still hiding it? Why are we still pretending that what we’re doing is something bad? We’re better than that. You mean more to me than that.”

  “Because…” she starts. “B-because…”

  I snap my fingers. “See? You don’t even have a good excuse.”

  “My relationship with Rae is on the line!” she shouts, waving her arms around like a madwoman.

  “And whose fault is that? You’re the one who lied to her for years. You’re the one who broke her trust. You’re the one who kept life-changing secrets.”

  She inhales a sharp, stuttering breath. I know I’ve fucked up. Those words I really should have chosen more carefully.

  “Hales…”

  She reaches out and turns the radio up high enough to rattle the contents of my cup holders. Sighing, I continue the drive to the airport, hoping she’ll have cooled o
ff by the time we arrive.

  Naturally, she doesn’t. As soon as I find a parking space (and grumble over how much overnight parking is), she flies out of the car. I take my time gathering myself and my miscellaneous gadgets: phone, iPad, charging cables, sunglasses. In the rearview mirror, I can see her impatiently standing at the back of the car, waiting for me to pop the trunk so she can grab her suitcase, which I’m sure she’ll then roll off with in a huff.

  Finally, I pop the trunk and climb from the car with a forced smile. She’s pissed, and a part of me understands why, but I’m upset as well. I only wish she’d see where I’m coming from.

  She huffs and puffs, trying to fish her luggage from the back, too bogged down with whatever it is she’s packed for our trip. I gently slide in next to her and ease the bag from her hands. She doesn’t object.

  Once we’re both certain we have everything, we take off toward our designated meeting spot side by side. We’re about ten yards from the group when Haley does something I never in a million years expected.

  She reaches out and laces her fingers in mine.

  For the first time since we left her apartment today, I form a genuine smile.

  “You’re right,” she says so quietly her lips barely move.

  “It’s a gift of mine.”

  It’s barely visible, but the corner of her mouth twitches. “You’re also a jackass.”

  “Another gift of mine.” This time, she really smiles. I squeeze her hand and lean down to place a quick, gentle peck on her cheek. “Are you ready?”

  Sucking in a large, brave breath, she straightens her shoulders. “As I’ll ever be.”

  Hudson is the first to notice our joined hands as we approach. He raises a brow and nudges Rae. She spins in our direction, glances down to our hands, drops her mouth open, and then…

  Says nothing.

  And by says nothing, I mean completely ignores us. Hudson curls his arm around his fiancée and they walk off for some privacy. I can see her shoulders are shaking from here. As Hudson bends down, I know he’s whispering encouraging words into her ear.

  Tucker steps forward and claps me on the shoulder. “I knew it,” he says quietly. “I knew you were seeing someone.” He turns to Haley. “Hey, girl. Glad you could join us.”