From Lies to Promises

by Lynn, Faith S

  The tears have stopped, but simply because there aren’t any more to cry. Ryder is rubbing my back in an effort to make me better. What he doesn’t know is him just being here with me after everything I told him, is enough. “Why are you still here?” I say, trying to understand. I wipe my wet face with the backs of my hands and sit forward. “And holding me?”

  “There is no way I would leave you after finding out something like this. Is that what you think of me?” Ryder replies. Hurt is evident in his tone.

  “I don’t think of you badly Ryder. It’s simply what I am used to.” I shake my head. “You yourself just asked me if it was true, you don’t believe me either.”

  I get to my feet and cross my arms over myself. Hearing his deep voice I turn to face him. “I asked you if it was a story.” He points with his finger like he is making a point. A smile sneaks onto my face when he realizes it. “Ok, so it was the same thing, but I didn’t mean it like that.” His long lashes lower as he sighs, “I started picking up those papers and caught your name. So I started scanning and that turned into reading every detail. It’s not that I didn’t believe you, darlin’, more like I was praying that it wasn’t real. That you didn’t really go through all that.”

  The fist that has been clenching at his sides loosens. I bring my eyes up his body till our gazes connect. There is fire and sadness there I haven’t seen before. It only comes natural that when he stalks towards me, closing in what little distance we did have, I back up. The back of my legs hit the bed, so I sit and shrink away from him. He gets down on his knees in front of me at the bed and starts, “I am so sorry I made you think that I would doubt you. I couldn’t, because when some truly loves someone they believe them without a shadow of doubt. You don’t have to question them or ask for proof, you just know. And I love you, Katrina.”

  “Wh…what?” I stutter.

  “I am yours.” He punctuates each word. “I’m in love with you, Katrina.”

  I am pretty sure that my heart jumped in my throat. I can hear my pulse in my ears, beating so fast I couldn’t count it if I wanted to. “No you’re not.” I push out.

  “Pretty sure I know what I feel. At first I thought I was just falling for you, but watching you with Bethany the other day and then with my dad today, I knew. I love you. I promise.” It speeds out of his mouth.

  I think he is just as surprised by the force in his voice. Like what he is saying needed to come out or he would explode. I can see the compassion for me in his eyes. He stands and slowly makes his way in the bed. Once he is lying down he pulls my back against his chest so that we are spooning. Our bodies completely aligned with one another. My head rest on one of his arms as the other coils around my waist.

  “I’m not expecting you to feel the same way right now and I don’t want to pressure you to say something that you don’t feel. I just want to be close to you tonight. To hold you next to me.” His lips skim my neck and place a gentle kiss there.

  “You’re amazing. You know that?” A yawn interrupts me, but I continue, “I’m not sure I deserve someone like you.”

  His arm tightens around my waist as he says, “Goodnight, Katrina.”

  Just as I hit the brink of oblivion I hear Ryder whisper he loves me against the back of my neck. I fall over the ledge of sleep with a smile on my face.

  ***

  The next morning, I know before I open my eyes that the bed is too cold for Ryder to still be in it. Getting up I throw on my pajamas and walk into the living room. I see Lexi first curled up in the recliner with her orange juice. Skeigh is laid back on the couch her feet over the back, coffee in hand. She must be feeling lazy today because she is donning her ugly as hell, pink, fuzzy boots and sweat pants.

  “Skeigh, you really need to find a different pair of house shoes.” I slap her feet down as I walk into the kitchen.

  “I don’t care how embarrassing they are to y’all, they are comfy and I love them.” I hear her say as I open up the fridge to grab some much needed sweet tea and pour me a glass. Taking a seat on the couch next to Skeigh I ask them both if they know what time Ryder left.

  “I don’t really know. His car was still here when we came home last night. Until you said something just now, I thought he was still here, hiding away in your bed.” Lexi says from her bundled position.

  I pull my phone from my pocket and call Ryder. It rings a few times and goes to voicemail. Hanging up I send him a quick text thanking him again for last night and asking why he left in the middle of the night.

  A few hours later, I am still sitting in the same spot, enjoying some very much needed girl time. Ryder has taken up a lot of the time we normally spend together, so it’s nice it just being us. I’ve checked my phone periodically throughout the day and have yet to receive a call or text back from him. I decide to not bug him. He is probably still trying to take in everything from last night.

  We finish out the day by watching several romantic comedies, tons of junk food, and nail polish. The next morning, I still have no response from Ryder so I try calling him again and end up leaving a voicemail when he doesn’t answer. I’ve asked Skeigh if she will call Dave and find out what is going on, at first she doesn’t want to. Finally she gives in, only to have her calls ignored as well.

  I can’t help as my subconscious takes over telling me that him staying Friday night was all for show. The more my past sunk in for him, the more he realized he couldn’t deal with someone with a past like that. He can do better. But he said he loved me. Yeah, but he also said in his other relationships that when things got too serious for him he would end it.

  I have my music as loud as I can get it on the way to Jamie’s house. A Day to Remember’s lyrics couldn’t bring me back from the mood I had put myself in. After few times of me snapping at her Jamie can’t handle it anymore, “Who the hell pissed in your cheerios this morning? Jeez, woman.”

  I walk into the house and turn to her with a huff, realizing she shouldn’t be taking the gruff of my frustration. “I’m sorry.”

  She ends up letting me slide, but makes it known that next time she’d tear me a new one. We all end up at Sinful, checking out the new line of clothes Skeigh ordered. Ok, so it was more like trying everything on and making individual list of what we each wanted.

  “You girls are going to make me bankrupt.” Skeigh scoffs.

  “Neh, we are doing you a favor.” Lexi tells her.

  “Oh and how is getting all these clothes, at no cost to you, doing me a favor?” Skeigh asks.

  “Woman clients of the firm are always asking me where I get my outfits. We are like your walking billboards.” She explains to Skeigh.

  “Whatever. You’re just lucky as hell I love you girls.” Skeigh says as she takes up our list.

  Another day with my girls down and another day I go without hearing a word from Ryder. My heart breaks down a little every day that I wake up to see there are no missed calls or text on my cell. By the time Thursday arrives, I have almost given up on him.

  I am in between classes when my phone rings and Skeigh’s face lights up my screen.

  “Hey, lady.” I answer.

  “Kat, I finally heard from Dave today.” She pauses just long enough to make me sweat, “He told me that Bethany pasted away Sunday afternoon.”

  My stomach plummets. I can’t believe it. Just over a week ago when Ryder and I went to see her she seemed so strong.

  “Did he say how Ryder was handling it?” I ask.

  “He said he hadn’t seen him since Sunday at the hospital.”

  Rational thought leaves me. I hang up the phone without saying bye to Skeigh and head for my car. I ditch my next class completely as I speed towards Ryder’s house. All that keeps running through my mind is that he needs me. He was there to hold me when I told him about my past and I am going to be there to help him through this.

  I park the car in the driveway behind a car I haven’t seen before, I don’t give it much thought considering he works at a car s
hop. I race to the door and knock several times. Giving up, I pull my hand back from the door and start to turn when I hear that distinctive ‘click’. What I see when the door opens makes my world come to a stop. It’s none other than Lyla. She is wearing skimpy dress that looks like it was on its way off her body before she came to the door. Her hair is disheveled, stray locks from her braid hang in her face.

  “I, uh…” Doesn’t matter that I don’t know what to say, because she barks at me before I can come to my senses.

  “What are you doing here?” Again I just stand there open mouthed wondering what the hell kind of situation I put myself in. “Look, kitty, he doesn’t want you. If he did I wouldn’t be the one he called on. So, just go back to where it was you came from and forget about Ryder.” She winks and shuts the door with a definite slam.

  I don’t know how long I stand there before I move out of my stupor. I don’t even remember driving home, or the sun taking it’s decent in the sky. If it weren’t for Lexi coming in my room and shaking me back to reality, I would probably still be in the mindless fog. I would prefer the fog opposed to the continuous rant in my head.

  There is no denying it, my brain is finally catching up with the fact that my heart is gone. They say the heart wants what the heart wants, but my head has been fighting a useless, inevitable battle.

  It had only been days ago that Ryder was telling me he was in love with me. If that were true, I would be the one comforting him, not Lyla. I was being a fool to think I could find true love and be able to hold onto it. There is a reason for everything, or so I hear. I would like to know the reason that no matter the path I take, it ends up being the shittiest.

  “Katrina, talk to us. Please.” Lexi pleads with me as Skeigh lowers herself on the edge of the bed with frightened eyes.

  “I went to Ryder’s when I hung up with you.” I say.

  Always sarcastic, Skeigh says, “You mean when you hung up on me.” Her shoulder nudges mine. “We already guessed this much. So what’s up with the petrifaction thing you had going on?”

  My gaze dances back and forth between them. These girls know me, all of me, and still accept me with open arms. Since I was nine, these two and Jamie have been the only ones to do that. I may have lost Ryder, but I won’t lose them and that makes some of the hurt lift off my shattered heart. “When I got there the ever so lovely Lyla opens the door donning the just fucked fashion.”

  “That little bastard. I’ll castrate him.” Skeigh roars out as she jumps to her feet.

  Placing her hand on my shoulder, Lexi ask, “Did you talk to Ryder?”

  “Why would I talk to him after she answered his door?” I ask.

  One shoulder slowly rises in a shrug. “I just don’t see him for the type, that’s all.”

  “And what type is that exactly?”

  “The type of man to hurt someone like you.” She explains. “Especially, after everything come out.”

  “Well he did and him finding out about my past is always enough to send people packing.” I tell her.

  “That is just because they are pussies. They can handle the pretty, but not the ugly that may come along with it.” I laugh at Skeigh and the fire that should be coming out of her mouth she is so furious.

  After the girls leave my room ‘King for a Day’ by Peirce the Veil comes from my bag. I reach in and pull out my phone to see Victoria’s number. I answer it and we set up our next met time. I might as well finish what I started and get this story out there, if not for her but for myself.

  Chapter 16

  After my classes and one horrifically long test in Greek and Roman mythology, I meet up with Victoria. As we eat and go over everything she has so far, we realize this could be our last visit for a while. Victoria, being the amazing journalist that she is hasn’t missed a word I’ve told her over the weeks.

  “Alright, I will get started on the rough draft of the article and if I need anything, or feel like something isn’t right I will call you.” She gathers her things and stands. “Have you read my conversation with your mother yet?”

  “I don’t know why you insist on asking me that every time. The answer isn’t going to change any day soon. If ever.” I tell her pulling my lips thin and shrugging.

  Victoria gives me a crooked smile and says, “Really you should read it. They say getting closure from the past, no matter the issue, helps release the demons that hang over your head. Then the healing process can begin.” Then she turns and walks out of the shop without so much of a backwards glance.

  One day, in the very distant future, I will read what is on that paper. But my heart can only handle getting through so much at once and right now it’s trying to pick up the pieces after Ryder dropped me like a rotten fruit. On the ride home I play ‘Hang on Till May’ by Peirce the Veil and get is perfect for the way I feel about this whole situation with Ryder.

  Once home I walk straight to my room. This week has been torturous on my emotions and weighing on my energy, so I am out within seconds after lying down.

  Breakfast consist of a shit ton of chocolate cereal and maybe a few chocolate glazed donuts. I may love food anytime, but I really love it when my emotions are high. Happy, sad, mad. I eat my emotions. Does it help? Actually it kind of does.

  “Do you mind saving us some food in here? Shit.” Skeigh exclaims in her chipper morning self.

  Lexi comes in behind her dressed for work. “God, have a heart, Skeigh. She is having a hard time right now.”

  “Have you both forgot I am also being ignored by the other Hudson brother? Yeah, I get it.” Skeigh huffs as she drops to a chair at the table. She looks back up at Lexi and asks, “Why do you look like you are going to work?”

  “Because I am. I got called in. They have some major case that needs to be done today.” Lexi says as sarcastically as possible, ‘air quotes included’.

  The table rumbles and I glance down to see I have received a text…from Ryder.

  Lyla told me about you coming over and her running you off. Look, meet me so I can explain everything to you.

  “It’s Ryder. He said that Lyla told him about me coming there and wants to meet me to explain.” I say more to myself than the girls.

  Lexi speaks up as she places her arms into her coat. “What are you going to do? Are you going to meet him?”

  “Of course she isn’t. She is going to erase that text without replying back and forget about him.” Skeigh belts out. “Aren’t you?”

  “What if I was wrong? Lexi could have a point about me misunderstanding what I saw.” I exclaim to her.

  Skeigh stands and throws over her shoulder on her way to her room, “Yeah, you didn’t see her open his door when he has been ignoring you. You also don’t know about their past and how he runs to her when he is done with someone.”

  When she is out of sight and hearing distance Lexi walks over and pulls her now empty chair in front on me. “Don’t listen to her. If you think you can handle listening to what Ryder has to say, then I’d go. But don’t do it if it will be too much.”

  “Ugh. It just seems like everything was going so well in my life and it’s crashing down again.” I close my eyes, “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Stop over thinking everything. You are the world’s worst for thinking everything over a hundred times. If it’s meant to be it will happen.” She says. Before she leaves she places a kiss on my cheek. “I love you, lady.”

  When the door closes I let out a snicker because she talked to me like I believed in fate and all of its promises. Ryder is always promising things. He promised me he loved me. A coincidence? Nope. My phone vibrates in my hand and look down to see another text from Ryder. Guess he got impatient waiting for my response. HA. It’s no fun is it buddy!?!?

  I will be at TJ’s tonight around 9. Maybe I will see you there.

  I delete both messages without replying and walk away leaving my table in the kitchen. Lexi leaves shortly after five, and Lexi called to see if I wanted to meet h
er and some of her co-workers to get some supper. Sitting alone in this house now, I wished I would have. I have been up and down, left and right. Fighting myself on whether or not I should go to TJ’s just to hear what he has to say. That way I don’t have to wonder, I will know. Then I tell myself that I shouldn’t care, because obviously he doesn’t.

  Losing the struggle, I change out of my comfy, fleece pajamas and put on clothes I don’t mind being seen in public wearing. No one needs to know about my obsession with Scooby Doo.

  My hands tremble as I pull on the door handle to TJ’s. Breath. I look around and realize that Ryder hasn’t shown up yet, so I take a seat at the bar about the time TJ steps in behind the bar and pin points me.

  “You know better than to sit at the fucking bar, Kat.” TJ chastises.

  I lean on the bar close enough where TJ will be the only one to hear me and say, “It’s not going to make a damn bit of difference if I drink right here or in the back so shut up and pour me a shot.”

  He pulls back, one eyebrow raised, “Drinking doesn’t solve your problems for you, ya know.” But he still pours my dang shot and puts it on the bar in front of me with a lime. “What happen? Prince charming piss you off or something.”

  I take the shot and welcome the burn as it travels down my throat. Slamming the glass down, I pick up the lime and bite down. When I finish I realize that TJ is still standing there, waiting for an answer. “Let’s just say that I am here to listen to what he has to say, then leaving. Alone.”

  “Damn. I’m sorry.” He places his hands on top of mine. “I have to get some work done in my office, I’ll let the ladies know to take care of you. If you need anything, if he won’t let well enough alone, come get me. Ok?”

  I have always liked TJ. But looking at him now, I just can’t help but like him all the more. There is a softness to his face that shows you he is really just a big teddy bear, but there’s that edge, too. One that says he means harm to anyone that hurts the people he cares about. I nod and he walks to the nearest waitress and tells her something before disappearing to his office. I only bring my focus away from the direction of TJ’s office when another shot is set in front of me.