A Life Without Fear (Life #2)

by C. S. Jacobs

  “The police found him quickly….” He lingers on that last word, what’s he not telling me? As if sensing my question he looks at Betty then back to me. “He was staying with your mother, Angelica.”

  I’m on my feet in the blink of an eye, my hand covering my mouth. No, just no. How could she? How could that God damn woman let that disgusting disgrace of a man into her home, my old home? How could she? I start to pace the room. My mind is racing, as is my heart. Suddenly, I want a Xanax. I need help, so I take a few calming breaths before returning to my seat. They both look so sad, I wish there was a way to stop them from looking like that. I detest it.

  “We’ll address your mother later. Edward was arrested and booked. The Statute of Limitations has terminated for what he did to you in the past and, therefore, there is no cause for arrest. So I’ve had him arrested for fraud and money laundering.”

  Now I’m completely lost.

  “You see, I don’t trust your mother, not in the slightest. So I’ve always watched her closely, every aspect of her life. One of the things that was rather easy to monitor was her bank account, seeing as I’m the one constantly depositing into it. Well, a few years back I noticed large lump sums being transferred to a business account. After some digging, I found that Edward had created a fictitious business and was not only asking your mother for money, he was siphoning money from the account in slow, small withdrawals. He knew as well as I did that she never checks her accounts, she has no reason to. What Edward failed to take into consideration was the account was in my name, so in essence he’s been stealing from me.”

  Good God, I knew my grandfather was a smart man but this is beyond me. “I knew what had been going on for a while, but I let it continue knowing I’d be able to have him arrested with one call to the authorities. But I needed to ensure it was more of an insurance policy that I had over his head in case he decided to try to harass you again. I was well aware that the Statute of Limitations had passed, so I needed to ensure I had something else to get him on. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say he’s now in jail. He’ll be in jail for a long time—I’ll make sure of it.”

  The breath that I didn’t know I was holding releases in one long, loud sigh. I’m at a loss for words. Knowing I have a lot of questions in my head somewhere, I can’t seem to voice them.

  “Wow! Just wow! How could she?” The sobs wrack my body and I slump onto the floor. Betty and my granddad rush to my side. I just can’t get over the fact that he did that, but more importantly how could she let him stay with her? They both hold me tightly while sobs wrack through my body, not letting go until the tears have eased.

  “Sweet child, no one knows why anyone acts the way they do. We need not focus on her and focus on ourselves. Let’s get you back healthy, her demons are her own.” I nod my head in agreement. She’s right, I’ve never understood why my mother is the way she is, and I never will. The time has come for me to stop focusing on her and start focusing on myself. She hasn’t been my mother in a very long time—if ever.

  “You’re right, Betty. Now if you’ll both excuse me, I’m going to hop in the shower.” Without waiting for a response, I stand and head up to my room.

  Heading straight for the shower and turning on my stereo, I start to undress. Snow Patrol is singing about forgetting the world, such a pleasant concept. Hopping into the shower, I stand under the hot stream of water that is flowing down my body, calming me. Regardless of the relationship I have with my mother, I’ve never stopped dreaming that one day we’d find that bond that would hold us together. The one that would turn our relationship into a loving mother and daughter. It’s a childish dream I know, but that idea never stopped me from having it. Sometimes things just aren’t in the cards for you; it’s something I need to learn and to accept. Once finished, I change into some plain jeans and a white top. I’m sitting on a stool in my bathroom when I hear feet pad into the room, and notice Betty in the mirror. She walks right into the bathroom and searches the drawers until she finds my blow-dryer. Grabbing the brush she starts drying my hair. It’s such a mundane task, such a chore I carry out almost daily but having someone else blow dry my hair feels special. In a comfortable silence, Betty dries my hair to her liking then pulls it into a French braid. Feeling like a child again, I love the feeling, though. Once she’s finished, I turn and give her a big hug and then we head down to the stairs together. My granddad is in the backyard playing with Rodger.

  “How much longer are you guys here, Betty?”

  “Sick of us already?”

  “Ha, never!”

  “Probably tonight or early tomorrow morning. Your granddad doesn’t like to be away from the ranch for too long. If you’d like, I could stay with you for a few extra days.”

  “Betty, I’ll be fine. Plus, we both know if you don’t go back with Granddad he may very well starve to death.” We both break into hysterical laughter.

  “Child you are so right!” She walks past me and into my pantry. “Looks to me like you have everything we need to make a pumpkin pie. It’ll have to be can, but it’ll still be delicious. What do you say?”

  “I say I’ll call Joey to pick up some whipped cream!”

  “Good answer.” Shooting Joey a quick text, I help Betty obtain all the ingredients ready to make our pie.

  My afternoon was filled with baking and laughter. Truly those two things can cure any depression and it was just what I needed. My grandfather sat and enjoyed our company. It was nice to have some alone time with them both before they leave. Joey showed up right as the pie was ready, his timing impeccable. We enjoyed pie and more coffee on the back patio while also appreciating the cooler weather. Blake texted me around noon letting me know he would pick me up for dinner around six, and that the dress code for the restaurant was casual. That was just what I needed. Not really sure I was up for a fancy restaurant. After cleaning up our mess, we all ended up in the library with the fireplace lit just enjoying one another. Betty told stories of when I was a little girl at the ranch. She told Joey how Granddad and I would steal pies and run to the horse barn to eat them. I remember it vividly. Grandad would send me into the kitchen to make sure the coast was clear. While in there I would also snatch two forks, my grandfather would come inside after I whistled two times. He’d grab the pie that was cooling on the counter, and we’d run as fast as we could to the barn. We’d laugh and laugh thinking we fooled Betty, and then we’d eat the entire pie. One day when I went inside to see if the coast was clear, I noticed there were two forks already waiting by the pie. She was always one step ahead. We actually never fooled her, but she let us still play our little game.

  Before long I was helping Betty and Granddad down the stairs to a waiting town car, no matter my age I always cry when they leave. I try to be strong and not seem so weak, but I just can’t hold the tears. I miss them even before they’re gone.

  “Angelica, don’t cry, darlin’. You and Joey will be coming to visit us next month for Christmas.” My granddad wipes the tears away from under my eyes with his thumbs.

  “I know, but I’ll miss you until then. Love you Granddad.”

  “As I love you, Angelica.” I hug my grandfather tightly.

  “I’ll take good care of her, T.J.” Joey places his hands on my shoulders.

  “I know you will, Joey, I know you will.” They embrace in a man hug with hard slaps on the back.

  “I’ll miss you, Betty,” I tell her walking into her waiting arms.

  “I’ll miss you, sweet child. Keep your head high Angelica, the worst is behind you.” She hugs me tightly then kisses my forehead.

  Holding onto Joey tightly, we watch them slide into the car, and we wave one last time as car disappears down the street. We head back inside and Joey leads me to my room. He heads straight into my closet and comes out with an outfit for my dinner with Blake. I don’t even question what he hands me, I just change out of my jeans and shirt. Pulling on some skinny jeans and Burberry knee high choco
late brown boots—they’re flat which is a relief—I just don’t feel like dressing up in the slightest. Pulling on a fitted top, which he hands me, then following him, I sit on the bathroom stool as he does my hair and makeup. We don’t talk much; I think he knows I’m not in a chatty mood. At the moment, there’s nothing good in my life to talk about. He readies me quickly and I stand right as there’s a knock at the door. We head down together, he grabs a coat out of the hall closet and hands it to me, then gets his keys and wallet on the way to the door. I walk over to let Rodger out one last time before we leave as Joey opens the front door.

  “Hey, Blake.” Joey shakes his hand.

  “Good evening Joey, how is she?” I can hear them faintly talking from the patio door.

  “She’s good. Sad T.J. and Betty left, but she always is when they leave. It’ll pass. Have a good night.” Blake shakes his hand again.

  “Bye A.P.,” Joey yells from the front door.

  “Bye JoJo,” I yell back. Rodger runs back in and heads to his bed in the living room.

  “You look lovely, Angelica.” I smile softly at him.

  “Thank you Blake, you look handsome as always.” He’s in fitted jeans and a long sleeve button up shirt. Both the shirt and the pants hug his body wonderfully; his physique cannot be hidden with clothes.

  “Thank you. Are you ready?” Nodding my head, we head out together to his car.

  “No driver tonight?” He opens my door for me.

  “Not tonight, I felt like driving.” Slipping into the car and buckling my seat belt, he walks around the front of then sits in the car with a sophisticated ease.

  “Do you make everything you do look so natural?”

  He laughs at my remark. “I try, I try.”

  Our drive to the restaurant is short and quiet. He takes me to a small Greek restaurant in the Theater District and we find parking easily a short distance away. The restaurant is small and dimly lit, the smells are amazing. We’re seated at a table near the back. Blake walks behind me to pull out my chair.

  God that’s so hot, who said chivalry was dead?

  After sitting down himself, we’re handed our menus and left to make our decision.

  “Have you been here before?” I ask him.

  “Yes, a few times. It’s a family favorite.” He opens my menu and points at a signature dish. “This is their house special. It has a little bit of everything. I’d recommend that for a first timer. It won’t disappoint.”

  “Well, I should hope not. I hate being disappointed.” I wink at him.

  “Well, I shall furthermore keep that in mind, Angelica.”

  “Oh Blake, you know when you speak all proper it actually turns me on.”

  He blushes at my comment. “You should hear me speak that way in my British accent.”

  “Stop. Stop right now! You can do a British accent? Now I’m really turned on.” Laughing we look up at the same time as someone clears their throat. A waiter standing close to the table looking very uncomfortable. I can’t help laughing again at his discomfort, his face is a classic.

  “Blake, Ma’am, my name is Nick and I’ll be your server. Might I start you both with something to drink and perhaps an appetizer?” Nick has a slight Greek accent and clearly knows Blake. He obviously must really come here often.

  “I think we’re ready to order, Nick,” Blake responds. He looks at me and I wave my hand letting him know to order for me. “She’ll have the house special and I’ll have the Mosharisia Brizola. As for an appetizer, we will both have a Maroulosalata Osalata and Tzatziki.”

  “Of course.” He’s writing nothing down, it’s always fascinated me how waiters can memorize orders. “To drink?”

  “I’ll just have water please,” I respond.

  “As will I.”

  “Wonderful. Your salad and appetizer will be out shortly.” With that, he nods his head and disappears into the kitchen.

  “You ordered a salad? I didn’t hear that in what you said. Do you speak Greek? I guess I wouldn’t be surprised.”

  Nick walks back out with our glasses of water then disappears once again.

  “I don’t speak Greek per se. As I said, my family loves this restaurant. We’ve been coming here for as long as I can remember. I’ve just memorized the names of the food.” He smiles that gorgeous smile.

  “Well, you order Greek food beautifully.” I smile back.

  A short time later Nick returns with our salad and Tzatziki. We eat and talk about his day. The food before me is delicious and it’s not even the main course. I can only imagine how delicious the rest of the food will taste.

  “So do you still come here often with your family?”

  “My mother tries for at least once a month. It means a lot to her, so I try not to miss it.” Oh God, he’s delicious inside and out. I didn’t think they made men like Blake anymore.

  “That’s so sweet, Blake, really it is.” Before he has time to turn a deeper shade of red, our meal is brought out.

  “Thank you Nick, it looks great. Thank Nick senior for me.” Nick nods and walks off. Slanting my head, I squint my eyes at him. “What? Did I do something wrong? Is there something in my teeth?” He rubs his teeth with a napkin.

  “Ha. No, Blake, nothing is wrong nor is anything in your teeth. I’m just squinting to make sure you’re real. You’re too good to be true.” The red makes its return to his face. “You’re cute when you blush like that.”

  He smiles shyly at me. “Thank you for saying that Angelica. I’m just me, nothing special.” With that, we smile and eat our meals which are delicious as suspected. I make a mental note that I’ll have to come back sometime. The portions are huge, I’m definitely going to be taking food home. Our dinner conversation flows wonderfully well and is never dull. We talk about random things mainly, where we’ve been and where we want to go. For me, oddly enough I’d like to go to Greece and stay in one of those white homes that look like they’re going to fall off the cliffs and into the beautiful blue ocean below. For him it’s Dubai, he wants to see their architecture and would like to get some investments going there.

  We talk about his family a lot. Aside from his brother who doesn’t come up in the conversation, it sounds like he has an amazing all-American family. It is just him and his brother. His mother was a stay at home mom for all of his life and his dad was a banker until he retired. Now his parents travel a lot, they have a home in Hawaii they go to often. His niece Gracie is John’s daughter. Blake’s whole demeanor changes when he talks about her, it makes my ovaries tingle. God, I didn’t think I’d ever want to settle down, let alone have a family. But after watching the way Blake’s eyes light up when he talks about Gracie, it might just change my mind.

  After we can no longer fathom another bite of food, Nick brings us a small plate of assorted desserts. Although thinking I may burst, I don’t want to be rude, so I at least try a little of everything. Of course, it’s all amazing.

  Blake settles the bill then we’re back in his car heading to my house. Again the car ride is quiet, perhaps too quiet. I feel an unease between us. I know it has to do with my incident, but I’m unsure which part of it is bothering him. Shit, probably all of it to be honest. The only way to find out is to ask, I suppose.

  “Blake, is something on your mind?”

  “Am I that obvious?”

  “Well, there’s a tension in the air. Remember, I’m not made of glass, you can talk to me.”

  “But are you? I’m scared you may shatter on me….again…” His words trail off and hang in the air.

  How do I respond to that? He is right, of course. I am made of glass, and I shattered.

  “You have to know that I’ve never done anything like that before. It’s not a common thing for me. I will fix my wrong Blake. I’ll prove to you and everyone else that it won’t happen again.”

  “Proving yourself and truly being in a better place are two completely different things, Angelica. To prove yourself is to simply put on an act
for your audience, to try to convince them you’re in a better state when truly you might be just as broken. But to be in a better place means that no matter what obstacles are thrown at you in the future, that won’t happen again because you’re stronger. That’s what I want Angelica, I want you to be stronger. I don’t want to see you go through that again, or your family to have to go through it again for that matter.” He looks me straight in the eyes when he speaks, it makes for such a deep connection when he does that. I swallow the lump in my throat trying to respond and he picks up on my hesitation. “I’m not saying this to upset you in any way, please know that. But also know, that I have deep feelings for you and want to help you get to that better place. Whatever it takes, I want to help you. The tension you feel is there, although I wouldn’t call it tension. I’d call it fear.” He takes a deep breath as if composing himself.

  Fear? Why would he fear anything?

  “I’m scared that one of these days I’ll leave you at home and I won’t see you again. It truly tears me up inside. Angelica, I know you can’t understand the feelings I have for you. I know we’ve just met, but it happens. Not often, but it does. We can’t help who we get attached to, who we feel a connection with.”

  The lump in my throat is the size of a golf ball. What the fuck have I done? I’ve brought this on myself by acting like an idiot.

  “Blake, it was never my intention to almost overdose. I know it’s hard to believe that, but please know that I’d never choose to end my life. What I did was a mistake. A big mistake. I can’t take it back, but I will learn from it. Your right, there’s a difference between truly being better and only proving to others that I am better. It’s an internal struggle that I hope to conquer, but it may take time.” I pick up his hand from his lap. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling. But I do understand why you feel the way you do. I don’t want you to stay with me because you fear I’ll go off the rails if you don’t. I hate that you feel I’ll off myself when I’m alone…I would never. But again, I know why you think that. I’ve put myself in this position and I will pull myself out of it.” I let go of his hand and grasp the door handle, his gaze follows my hand. “Maybe I need to be alone through this. Figure my shit out first before I put it on anyone else.” Turning, I open the door and get out as quickly as possible. I hear him slam his door and run to catch me.