A Life Without Fear (Life #2)

by C. S. Jacobs

  “Okay Joey, enough, spill it. What the hell is wrong with you? You sound like shit,” I state bluntly.

  “Jesus Ang, tell me how you really feel why don’t you,” he remarks sarcastically.

  The waiter comes over to us with iced water then walks away.

  “I’m waiting.” I stare at him, willing him to tell me what’s bothering him.

  “What if I fuck it up with him? What if I ruin everything again? God knows I’m a pro at fucking shit up. I don’t deserve such a good, down to earth man. I should just cut ties right now? Maybe it won’t sting as bad.”

  I’m taken aback by his admission. I knew that he had feelings for Liam, only I didn’t know they ran so deep.

  “Is this really what has you in knots? You doubting if you're worthy of a good man? Are you shitting me right now, Joey?”

  The waiter comes back with bread and some oil. Joey orders for us both then the waiter retreats.

  “Joey you’re going to ruin this if you maintain this attitude. So what you fucked up once, that doesn’t mean you’re destined to do it again. If he’s willing to forgive what you did, then you need to embrace that. Why go through all the emotions of trying to get him back then just drop him?” My voice is a little harsher than I intended it to be and he won’t meet my eyes. “Joey, where did my cool, confident, cocky best friend go?” I ask earnestly.

  “I don’t know, Ang. I’ve never felt this way, it’s tripping me out.”

  “Do you want to be in a relationship with him?”

  “Yeah, too much.”

  “Well then, give it a chance Joey. See what happens. I’m not saying it’ll be a fairy tale and you will live happily ever after, but you at least have to try. Otherwise, you’ll always wonder what if.”

  “I know, you’re right.”

  “I always am. Promise you will at least try, JoJo?”

  “I promise, Ang.”

  We pinky swear over the table, locking in the promise. Something silly we’ve always done when making a promise—it’s more official that way. We chat some about his work. He has the week off but leaves for L.A. first thing Monday morning. Our food arrives, a large salad we split and a savory crepe.

  “All right, enough about me. What’s going on with you? I feel like we haven’t talked in forever. Fill me in on everything.” He rests his elbows on the table, eagerly awaiting my response.

  “I actually do have rather big news that I didn’t get a chance to tell you yesterday.” He raises an eyebrow. “Edward was sentenced yesterday, Joey. He will die in a federal prison, I’ll never have to worry about him coming after me again.” I feel the emotion in my throat and one single tear escapes my eye and runs down my cheek.

  “Oh baby girl, I’m so fucking happy to hear that.” He rises from the table and embraces me in a big hug. “Why didn’t you call me yesterday? I would’ve spent the day with you, Ang.” He returns to his seat.

  “I know you would’ve Joey. It all happened so fast. I was on my way to work when Granddad called me and told me the news. After I hung up with him, I just broke down in sobs. Adam, Blake’s driver, was giving me a ride to work at the time. He took me to Blake without me knowing and Blake convinced me to take the day off of work.”

  “Good,” Joey interrupts.

  “After I was home and felt a little better, I decided to take advantage of my day off and get all of my Thanksgiving shopping done.” I smile thinking about the day spent with Blake.

  “What aren’t you telling me?” he asks knowing.

  “He told me he loved me, Joey. It shocked me to my core, but more than that I shocked myself when I said it back.” Joey sits in stunned silence. “Say something,” I beg.

  “Wow, I’m stunned A.P. I’m happy for you, truly I am. I’m just shocked. The first thing that comes to mind is Nick that man practically gave you his heart on a platter and you kicked him out like a bad habit. You were seeing him for much longer than you’ve seen Blake. What’s the difference?” he asks earnestly.

  “Honestly? I don’t know. It’s this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I’ve never felt before, this fluttering in my heart that’s never happened either. It just feels right when we’re together. I love being with him. I’m so used to fucking someone then leaving as quickly as I came, but with Blake I never want to leave.” Joey stares at me with wide eyes. “I know, I know, who would have thought?”

  “Wow, both of us girls head over heels for men, who’d a thunk?” We both fall into a fit of laughter.

  “Oh JoJo, I love you.”

  “I love you too, doll.”

  “I’ve gotta be heading back to the office. Thanks for this, we needed it.”

  “Yes we did,” he responds leaving some twenties on the table and we head out.

  “So Thursday I’ll probably be at Blake’s all day cooking, feel free to come by whenever you want. Dinner will be ready at six, I hope.”

  “We’ll be there at two.”

  “Perfect. You know I’ll put your ass to work, right?”

  “We will be there at six,” he quips. I jab him in the ribs.

  “You fucker, I better see you at two!”

  “You will, relax.”

  We hug our goodbyes then split a block away from my office building. Once back at work, I hit it hard and get through two meetings and countless emails. The day has just flown by. I receive a text around the time I’m wrapping my day up from Blake.

  Blake: Good evening beautiful. How was your day?

  Me: Hello handsome. It was good, very busy. How about yours?

  Blake: Oh, I can’t complain. Would you care to have a glass of wine with me tonight?

  I can’t contain my smile as I head to the elevator. Merely talking to Blake via text message makes me happy.

  Me: I suppose that would be fine. ;)

  Walking out of the elevator I head to the glass doors that lead outside when I see Blake standing next to his car. Dressed in an impeccable light gray suit, long black coat, and leather gloves he looks absolutely gorgeous.

  “Now, had I of said no, you do realize how silly you would’ve felt at this moment, right?” I tease.

  “I was willing to take the risk. At the very least I would’ve been able to see your beautiful face.”

  “Awe, look at you being so cheesy.”

  “Is cheesy good?” he asks, hopeful.

  “Always.”

  He pulls me into his arms and we kiss lightly before getting into the waiting car. We drive a few blocks to a very trendy wine bar. We walk in and are seated immediately. Blake orders a bottle of Côtes de Provence. A tray of meat and cheese comes to our table a short time later.

  “Do you have everything that you need for Thanksgiving dinner? Are you sure there’s nothing else I need to do?” he asks.

  “Blake, are you kidding me? You’ve opened up your house to us and you bought everything! How could you possibly do anything else?”

  “I’m only making sure,” he replies bashfully.

  “Just relax and let me take it from here, okay?”

  “Yes ma’am,” he replies with a wink.

  We fall into easy conversation about our day. He informs me tomorrow he has back-to-back meetings all day, but then he has the rest of the week off. I’m excited at the thought of spending the whole weekend with him. Joey is right, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Me, Miss I-Don’t-Do-Relationships enjoys every second that I’m with Blake. It’s a novelty, but it also scares me how deep my feelings are for him. I feel like back in high school I’d watch people fall in love left and right only to see it fizzle out a few months later. Is this like high school? I’m just jumping head first and it will be donezo in a few months? Since I’m older does that make this more stable? Jesus, why are emotions so complicated?

  “Angelica?” Blake asks cautiously.

  “Yeah?” I ask.

  “I lost you there for a minute, you okay?” He looks at me curiously. I hadn’t realized I was just staring at him oddl
y.

  “Sorry, just lost in my thoughts. I’m okay.” I smile reassuringly.

  “If you say so, are you ready to go?”

  “Yeah.”

  He pays the bill, then places my hand in his and we walk out hand-in-hand. Adam is standing next to the car waiting for us. Blake’s phone rings as soon as we’re seated in the car, he ignores it the first time, but it rings again so he answers. I can tell it’s about work so I tune him out and think more about our relationship. I wish I had others to base these feelings on. I don’t have the relationship history like most because I’ve steered away from them as much as possible. Why is it with Blake, I want to be closer to him? Why is it that I’d rather be with him than be alone? I want to embrace these feelings so bad and God knows I’m trying, but I’m scared.

  “Angelica?” Blake turns my face to meet his.

  “Sorry, I have a lot on my mind.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks with a worried look.

  “Yes, I promise.” I hold his face tenderly and kiss him passionately.

  I hear the car door open, and run my fingers through his hair and tug it. I’m rewarded with a low groan coming from the back of his throat. Our tongues meet and gently caress, I slowly break away.

  “Goodnight Blake, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I have to come over and prep dinner.” I start to make my way around the car. “Thanks, Adam,” I call out to him.

  “You’re welcome, Ang,” he says before getting back into the driver’s seat.

  “Nice try,” Blake calls as he walks up to me and pulls me back into his embrace. “I’ll text you all the codes to my penthouse. Make yourself at home, although knowing you’ll be at my place will make it very hard for me to concentrate, I should just take the loss and stay home with you.” He kisses me tenderly.

  “Oh, no you don’t, all you’ll do is distract me. Plus, work is important, so you will go!” I chastise him breaking away and continuing up my steps.

  “Nothing is more important than you, Angelica. But I consent to going to work if you insist. I love you, sweetie, I’ll see you tomorrow after work.”

  “I love you too, Blake.”

  With that, I unlock my door and walk inside. It still feels weird to hear him say those words, even weirder to say them back. Not because I don’t mean them just because I’ve never said them before. I wonder if that’s a good thing that I’ve never uttered those words before. Maybe it’s sad that it’s taken me this long to fall in love. God, why am I over thinking this. Heading upstairs I change into pajamas and wash my face. Crawling into bed, I power up my Kindle and download a mystery book—I love reading.

  Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.

  Jesus, my phone is going off like crazy. Who the hell is texting me?

  Sam: Hey Sex Muffin.

  Sam: Thanks for the invite to Thanksgiving.

  Sam: I can’t wait to eat some of your homemade cooking.

  Sam: I’m drunk.

  Sam: So is Joey.

  Oh, drunken text messages from Sammy are fun. Usually, he sends me selfie after selfie, I’m surprised he hasn’t done that this time.

  Ding.

  Ahh, there it is, him and Joey at a bar somewhere, looking happy as ever. God I love those two men.

  Me: Have fun and be safe you drunk fuckers. And THANKS for the invite!

  I don’t have to wait long for a response.

  Sam: Oh hush, you know you were probably out with that fine ass man of yours. I can’t wait to see him on Thursday. Yum.

  Ha, Thursday is going to be fun. God knows Sammy won’t be bashful when he’s around Blake.

  Me: True I was ;) Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me. :P Now leave me alone I’m trying to read!!!

  Sam: Bossy bossy! Fine, you’re no fun. Night Grandma!!

  That bastard, though it is true, the night is still young and I’m in bed with a book. Oh well, I’m happy.

  About an hour later and countless chapters in, I’m dying of thirst and scared out of my mind. This book is more like a horror story, not a mystery at all. I feel like I’m eight and I just watched Chuckie. Sweet Jesus, what the fuck was I thinking reading this book at night? Alone? I usually would make Rodger go with me to get water, but now I don’t even have him. Grabbing my phone I text Blake, he’ll calm me down.

  Me: I just started reading a scary book and am too scared to go get a drink of water downstairs. :(

  He doesn’t respond immediately, so I decide to read some more. Maybe if I figure out who’s haunting the woman in the story I’ll feel better.

  Nope, those five chapters did nothing to help. Did I just hear a noise? Closing my Kindle I sit up in bed and listen. Nothing. Jesus, how can I be letting my imagination be getting the best of me? My phone rings from beside me and makes me yelp in surprise. Looking at the screen I see it’s Blake.

  “Hello?” I answer timidly.

  “Hey Angel, I’m sorry it took me so long to respond, I was in the middle of a work crisis. Do you need me to come over?”

  “No, there’s no need for that, I’m just being stupid.”

  “Why don’t you take me with you on the phone to go get your water?” he asks.

  “Good idea. But don’t talk because I want to hear if someone’s in the house.”

  “Angelica, no one is in your house and you know it.” He sounds upset. “And if, for any reason you feel like someone is there, I will be there in five minutes.”

  “No, no, there’s no need for that. I’m just being silly, letting my imagination get the best of me. Just stay on the phone while I go downstairs.”

  I hop out of bed and hurriedly make my way to the kitchen for a bottle of water. Once I have it, I sprint back up and hop back in bed.

  “Done,” I say into the phone a little breathlessly. “Thank you for staying on the phone with me.”

  “You’re welcome. Want to tell me about what you are reading?” he asks.

  “No, it will only scare me more,” I joke into the phone. “I plan on listening to Britney Spears until I fall asleep now.”

  “Ha, that will keep the bad dreams away.”

  “Hopefully, thank you for calling me back, Blake. Sorry to interrupt your phone call, I hope all is well at work.”

  “It will be.” His response is stern.

  “I’ll let you go, I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight Blake.”

  “Goodnight Angelica.”

  Neither of us hangs up and we both laugh.

  “You hang up first,” he says.

  “Okay, love you.”

  “I love you, angel.”

  With that, I hang up the phone. Bad thoughts are all but vanished, turning out the light I lay down and fall asleep.

  I’m running in central park at night when I see a dark figure jump out of a bush and start to run after me. Running as fast as I can screaming for help when Rodger runs past me and attacks the man behind me…

  Gasping I wake up with a scream. Good God, what the hell was that about? That fucking book really did a number on me. A sudden melancholy feeling comes over me, I miss Rodger. Trying to shake the feelings before they overcome me, I change quickly into running clothes, brush my teeth then head out of the house. My headphones are blaring Calvin Harris’s ‘Summer.’ Maybe I can outrun my feelings. I hit the pavement hard, not having to work today means I can run further. Instead of running the streets, I head to the park. The scenes in front of me change and the songs playing switches, but I don’t pay attention to either. I just keep running. I don’t realize how far I’ve gone until I see I’m at the end of the park and notice I’m now at Blake’s building. Fuck me, how did I get this far? Only now do I realize how exhausted I am and how bad my legs are burning. I spot a bench up ahead and collapse onto it. My breathing is rapid and my heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. Again, lost in my own world, I don’t realize someone is next to me until I look up and scream in shock.

  “Jesus Adam!” I yell at him pulling my earbuds out.
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br />   “I’m sorry, Angelica. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’ve been calling your name. Are you okay? Did you run here?” I look up at him and see he’s in running clothes as well.

  “Yeah, I didn’t realize how far I’d run until I got to this bench,” I explain.

  “Damn, that’s a long morning run.”

  “You’re telling me.” I laugh. “I feel like my legs are Jell-O and my chest is on fire.”

  “Do you need a ride home? I don’t mind giving you a lift.”

  “Actually yeah, I do. Only I literally can’t even walk to the car.” I laugh. “God, I’m a dumbass.”

  “Come on, I’ll carry you.”

  “No way!” I screech. “I’ll break your back!”

  “Oh, cut your shit.” His eyebrows shoot up and he gives me an apologetic look. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to swear. Forgive me.”

  “Ha, stop it, Adam. You can swear in front of me.” I smile. “But you’re so not carrying me, I can walk. Slowly,” I add for good measure.

  Helping me to my feet we eventually make our way to Blake’s building.

  “Do you live here too?”

  “Right.” He laughs. “No, I run the park most mornings, though. I’m surprised to see you out so early.”

  “What time is it?”

  “You don’t know what time it is? It’s 3:45 a.m.”

  “Sweet Jesus, it is?” I screech.

  “Yeah, how did you not know that?” he asks.

  “I had a nightmare and thought I could shake it off by going for a run. I didn’t even look at the clock before I left.”

  “I see. You feel better now?” he asks curiously.

  “No,” I answer honestly.

  We’re quiet the rest of the walk, he gives me his arm to use as a crutch and I do. I lean on him heavily. I’ve never hurt my legs so badly before. My knees are burning in pain. God, if I’m this sore right now, I don’t even want to know how bad I will be hurting tomorrow. I wonder what time I left and how quickly I ran? As we prepare to cross the street, I see Blake walking out of the building in his workout clothes. He spots us almost immediately and runs toward us.