A Change Of Pace

by Freya Barker

  Grabbing her leash, I let her out of the crate and clip it onto her tiny collar.

  "Come on girl, time for a piddle."

  We're barely outside and she squats down in the grass, doing her business. Hoping to get at least one more out of her, I walk with her onto the dock, but the slight bobbing under her feet has her freaked and she plops down on her butt. I take the opportunity to look out over the lake and note there is no moon visible tonight. A few lights peek from the tree line across the water. Some of the occupied cottages that dot the shoreline here. One person has a bonfire going on the edge of the water, and an occasional peal of laughter bounces this way over the water.

  In the distance, the sound of a siren can be heard. Probably on the highway, which is not an unusual occurrence, especially in the spring or summer months. People see a quiet, unobstructed road in front of them and they floor it, not considering the wildlife that can cross at any time. Moose are particularly dangerous, since they can cause as much damage as a head-on collision with another vehicle. There have been countless incidents, just this year, of moose versus car accidents—and in a large portion of those—it was the moose actually walking away.

  I scoop Bella up and set her back on the grass, where thankfully she performs another little squat for me. The sirens are closer now, and an uneasy feeling crawls up my spine when I turn in the direction of the sound and can see flashing lights reflecting off the treetops.

  Suddenly rushed, I pick Bella up and carry her into the house, immediately putting her back in her crate under loud protest. Grabbing my phone off the table, I rush out the front door to see the lights coming this way.

  When I get to the road and see two police cruisers come to a stop a few properties down, I start running.

  "Newt!" I yell out of breath when I recognize his back, talking to one of the police officers and another man.

  He swings around when he sees me and starts running toward me.

  "Millie's gone," he says, blue eyes wild in his gaunt, pale face.

  I grab on to his arm to steady myself.

  "What? What do you mean she's gone?"

  "She never made it to the Bennetts' place." I pull my phone from my pocket and start dialling. "Who are you calling?"

  "Jim Baldwin."

  "He's already on his way," the slightly husky man Newt was talking to earlier walks up, cocking his thumb over his shoulder. "He just radioed the officer. He should be here shortly. I'm Matt," he says, reaching out his hand. "Jenna's dad? You must be Freddy." I don't even question how he knows who I am, but I assume Millie may have mentioned me. In a quiet voice he fills me in, while Newt blindly stares past me. When Matt mentions they just found her sweater and cell phone lying in the ditch on the side of the road, I'm afraid my knees will buckle.

  Millie—oh my God.

  "I've had to hold Newt here back from going off on a search, half-cocked. The officers are pulling together a team right now to do a preliminary search of the surrounding area. They've also called Georgian Bay Volunteer Search and Rescue, who are sending out a team with several certified rescue dogs. They're driving in from Barrie and will be here first thing in the morning."

  "I need to get out there," Newt says, his eyes focusing on me with a desperate urgency I feel in my very soul.

  "I'm calling Alex," I suggest, already dialling. "I'll have him pick up Boulder at Jess's. You hang tight," I plead with Newt, putting my hand on his clammy cheek. "I'll get us a group of volunteers to go looking right now."

  Impatiently wiping at the tears that keep wanting to spill over, I wait for Alex to pick up. When he finally does, I cut off his tempered greeting and explain in as few words as possible what is going on, and what I want him to do.

  My brother is a rock; he doesn't waste time asking asinine questions, just says, "Done," and hangs up so I can call the next person.

  At some point, I find myself sitting on Newt's front stoop, watching Jim organize his officers and an amazing group of volunteers into search teams. Only a few phone calls to Jess, Maggie, and Hank had been necessary to mobilize upward of twenty people at close to midnight. Alex showed up with Boulder, and Hank called in a few friends with tracking dogs, plus he brought his own. They appear to be divided over the search teams.

  Newt is a ball of tension; I can't even imagine what he is going through right now. He seems to stick close to Jim Baldwin, any remaining animosity invisible as he easily defers to Jim's authority. I'm a little surprised to note that when it comes to handling a crisis in his professional capacity, Jim clearly knows what he's doing.

  "Coffee?"

  A warm mug appears in my line of sight and I turn around to find Katie, Jenna's mom, stand behind me.

  "Thank you," I answer softly, taking the mug from her hands.

  She sits down beside me, her own coffee in one hand while she pats my knee with the other. "They'll find her," she says with more confidence than I'd be able to muster.

  "It's cold out, though, and she doesn't have her sweater." I'm not sure why this is the thought that seems to float up above all others. Maybe it's because it's the one that assumes she's out there somewhere, and not...

  "Don't go there," Katie warns, hearing the hitch in my voice.

  Newt's driveway looks like a crime scene; with large floodlights providing necessary illumination, set up by the OPP officers. The crowd is separating in teams and looks about ready to take off, when I see Newt separate from his group and jog over. I'm already on my feet when he reaches me.

  "We're off. There's a charger on my bedside table, keep your phone charged. I'll call if there's something to report."

  "Okay."

  I step close and wrap my arms around him. He's stiff at first, probably running on adrenaline, before gradually I feel him relax in my arms, dropping his head in my neck.

  "My baby..." he whispers by my ear, his voice broken.

  "You'll find her. I know you will." I borrow a bit of Katie's confidence as I squeeze him a little tighter.

  He turns his head, drops a kiss in my neck before twisting out of my arms, and without a word runs back to his group. The teams spread out, disappearing down the road and into the woods to the north and east, until all I see are the beams of the flashlights bouncing like fireflies at dusk.

  -

  Waiting is so hard.

  The house is quiet after Katie left. Jenna had been alone at home with Jackson and Julia, her younger siblings, since Matt was off with the search teams. Despite Katie's assurances she would just check up on her family and come back, I urged her to stay with her kids. Jenna must be scared for her friend, and I'm sure the commotion around their cottage was enough to terrify the younger ones as well.

  I'd initially wanted to join the search, but Alex and Newt quickly nixed that idea. Newt mentioned, quite convincingly, that if somehow Millie showed back up here, it would be good for her to see someone she trusted. I couldn't argue with that.

  Maggie had offered to come wait with me, but her husband was out on the search and she has her kids. Jess offered as well, but I told her if she could look after Bijou and—depending on what happened here—sort out my schedule for at least tomorrow, it would be a massive load off my mind. To stay busy, I've emptied out the dishwasher and washed everything by hand. When I was done that, I looked for, and found, Newt's cleaning stuff, and proceeded to scrub the kitchen, the floors, and both bathrooms upstairs. My fingers are pruned and I can't bring myself to tackle the bedrooms, which would be crossing a bunch of lines.

  About two and a half hours after they started their search, I'm sitting back on the step outside, wrapped in a blanket, with another cup of coffee in my hand. Even Bella is quiet, sleeping more soundly than I bet she ever has.

  It's creeping up on three, and I've exhausted myself, but wouldn't be able to sleep if I tried. When the sound of my phone ringing cuts through the stillness, I almost jump out of my skin.

  Newt

  "We'll get back out here at first light," Jim
says, as he claps me on the shoulder.

  We've covered everything up to Shebeshekong Road on one side and the lake on the other, and Bel Air Resort south of us and the Estates Road on the north. There's been no sign of her. By all counts, my girl has been gone for coming on eight hours, and I know better than the average guy that the more time passes, the less positive the outcome generally is.

  The dark has been tough. Even with flashlights, we can only see so much in front and around us. If she's hurt, or unable to call out, it's possible we passed by her within a few feet without seeing her. Come daylight, hopefully we can utilize air search and rescue to cover a wider area.

  "The K9 teams from Barrie should be here by then and we can broaden our search. You're sure she wouldn't have gotten into a car with anyone? I know her mother passed away, but are there other relatives perhaps?" Jim asks, and I throw him a glare.

  "The daughter of a cop and you don't think I have that drilled in her head? She knows not to get in cars with strangers, just like she knows to scream and kick when someone grabs her, or to stay put if ever she should get lost."

  "Hey, man, you know I have to cover all my bases," Jim points out. "You'd do the same thing." I nod, pushing down my impatience. "Let's just get back and we'll go over our next steps."

  He walks off to talk to some of his officers and I turn to Alex and Boulder, who've been just feet from me the entire time.

  "Did you talk to my sister yet?"

  Shit.

  I pull out my phone and check the screen, just like I've done every so often for the past couple of hours, but there's no message or missed call. I quickly dial Freddy.

  "Yes?"

  She sounds breathless, and I know she's probably been going nuts just waiting for news.

  "No sign of her. Just wanted to let you know we're on our way back."

  "Oh no, I'm so sorry. I haven't seen or heard anything either. Want me to put more coffee on? Do you have extra cups somewhere? Maybe make some sandwiches?"

  "Coffee would probably be good. There may be a box with some extra cups on the shelf in the garage, but I'll grab it when I get there."

  "Okay, honey. See you soon."

  As I tuck my phone away, Alex nudges me and points to where Jim has climbed up on a stump and is motioning everyone over. He thanks everyone who came to help, points to one of the officers he's put in charge of searches for tomorrow morning, and suggests checking the OPP online message board for details. The groups disperse and we start our trek back.

  Twenty minutes later I walk up the driveway and Freddy is waiting in the doorway.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Freddy

  "More coffee?"

  Katie was over here first thing this morning with Matt, bringing over some supplies to feed the troops. And there were quite a few. We ended up cooking breakfast for about twelve people.

  Alex was back again too, with Boulder and a bag of clothes for me. He'd managed to get a few hours of sleep and checked in on my barn pets before coming here. When the K9 team showed up, the new search crews got their instructions and went out shortly after that, but Alex left Boulder with me.

  Newt and Jim stayed behind, bent over area maps and Google satellite images, just as they'd been all night. I dozed off and on, lying on the couch, but I don't think those guys even closed their eyes.

  It started raining around five this morning. I could tell from the look on Newt's face his first thoughts were of his daughter, as were mine. I'm not a praying woman, but I’ve said a few since then. Rain may well be the least of her problems, but it's the only one I'm willing to think about now.

  "Please." I hold up my cup for a refill. "I'm going to have to get some groceries. We're running on empty."

  "I have a feeling you don't have to worry about much more than coffee supplies and I can pick those up. I was going to head home shortly anyway. Pick up the kids and do a grocery run. As for meals, one of the guys at breakfast this morning mentioned something about his wife bringing by sandwiches for lunch later. I'm sure she won't be the only one."

  There are a lot of drawbacks to living in a relatively small community, but they'll never outweigh the benefits. That was evident yesterday when so many people showed up late at night to help look for Millie.

  "If you don't mind picking a few things up, that would be great. I'll probably take a quick shower and change my clothes, I feel grungy."

  We make a quick list and Katie takes off.

  "Can I get you guys anything?" I ask, walking up behind Newt, putting my hand on his shoulder. He tilts his head back and shows me his haunted eyes.

  "We're good," Jim answers for both of them, looking up from the maps spread out over the table. "Maggie is getting food and refreshments organized for the volunteers."

  I guess Katie was right; we won't have to worry about meals.

  "In that case," I direct at Newt, who's still looking at me. "I'm gonna grab a quick shower, if that's okay."

  "Hang on, I'll get you some towels," he offers before turning to Jim. "I'll be right back."

  Boulder, who is lying in front of the sliding doors, lifts his head when Newt gets up. Taking my hand in his, he leads me up the stairs; straight into his bedroom, where somehow the bag Alex brought me is sitting on the dresser. He sits down on the edge of the bed, pulls me between his legs and buries his face in my stomach, his arms circling around me.

  "Hey..." I stroke a hand through his hair when I see his shoulders start to shake. "Honey..."

  His arms get tighter and I lean in, curving myself around him and cradling him close. His sobs, muffled by my body, are heartbreaking, and there is nothing I can do but let him lean on me, even just for a moment.

  Eventually, he lifts his face and the devastation and fear roll off him in waves. With the palms of my hands, I wipe the wet from his face, before leaning down, dropping a gentle kiss on his lips.

  "I'm sorry," he croaks, clearing his throat.

  "Don't be."

  "I'm terrified."

  "I know you are."

  "What if she—"

  I stop him, my fingers pressing against his lips. "No. Don't. You're exhausted, you're worn thin, and if I thought for one second you would, I'd tuck you in bed now—but I know you can't. Just promise me you won't allow exhaustion to kill your hope."

  "Okay," he finally sighs, leaning his forehead against my body for just a second before he resolutely gets to his feet. "I'll get those towels for you."

  It's not until he's gone back down, and I'm standing under the warm spray, that I let my own emotions take over.

  Newt

  Fourteen hours.

  It's been fourteen hours. We have nothing but her sweater and phone left in the ditch, and a few drops of blood on the pavement nearby. Blood we don't even know belongs to Millie; it could just as easily have been an injured animal that left them there, which is why I didn't want Freddy to know. But just the pile of her belongings left behind strongly suggests she did not go voluntarily. The only long shot would be that perhaps something spooked her or she fell—somehow became disoriented—and wandered off. The father in me holds out hope, but the cop in me knows better.

  So far this morning, there's been no word from any of the search teams, and the officers Jim sent out to knock on the few doors on this street have come back empty-handed. No one saw anything and no one heard anything. It's infuriating. I'm used to living under the smoke of the big city and there's always someone who saw something. It's a bitter irony that the one of the reasons for moving here—the quiet and relative seclusion—is what's working against us now. This is not the change of pace I was hoping for.

  I hear the water turn off upstairs, and I realize I've been listening to it for the past twenty minutes, since I had my momentary meltdown. I'm fucking grateful Freddy was strong enough to let me lean on her for a moment, and I fucking hope I'll have a chance to do the same for her.

  "I'd hoped I didn't have to bring this up—" I look up into Jim's solemn face.
"—But we have to consider the lake. I've put a call in to the auxiliary Coast Guard to bring in one of their inshore rescue boats. I've also contacted the RCMP detachment in Sudbury. They have more resources that—"

  "I'm sorry to barge in." A very distraught Katie comes through the door, pulling one of her kids—a boy, maybe ten or eleven years old—along with her. "I just took the kids grocery shopping and my son, Jackson, mentioned something I think you should hear." All eyes turn on the boy, who cowers partially behind his mother and doesn't say a word. Katie finally explains, "We were coming back, and I got cut off by a pickup truck—one of those souped-up ones with tires that are too big—turning onto Nobel Road. Jackson mentioned it looked just like the one from last night."

  Colour drains from Jim's face, but he quickly composes himself and turns to the boy, while I try to stay calm. It takes everything out of me not to grab hold of the kid and shake him.

  I have a newfound respect for Jim, who skillfully questions Jackson, managing to extract important information. The reason the boy didn't mention anything last night was because he'd snuck into his older sister's room, who had been downstairs at the time. He heard something outside, looked out the window, and saw a silver pickup with big wheels speeding away from the curb.

  His description of the pickup gives me chills, because not only was it in my driveway to drop Jordan off a few weeks ago, but I'd seen that truck the first time I ran into Freddy in town. A gasp comes from behind Katie, where Freddy stands, her hand clasped over her mouth. She heard and just like me, she knows who that truck belongs to.

  Billy Baldwin.

  Jim knows too, as he lowers his head on a deep sigh. He manages to thank Katie and her boy, suggesting she take him home. The moment Freddy closes the door behind them; I'm on my feet and moving toward her, snatching my keys off the hall table.

  "Newt!" Jim calls out.

  "What?" I snap, spinning around. "Your son has my daughter and you want me to wait? First time I saw him, he was assaulting a girl not much older than Millie, and you want me to stand by? For what?"