Where Does My Heart Belong?

by Libby Kingsley

  “Yes, but there’s more going on here than just a traffic infraction. It’s not safe to drive around with all these loose animals. Get them restrained. I’m going to be watching and the next time I see you they had better be under control.”

  Earl flips him the bird.

  “I’d shure like her under control and under me,” Red tells him.

  I start the car and yell for Clara to come but she ignores me. I take off and the last thing that cop sees is a green parrot flying alongside my car, then darting through the open window.

  He’s going to have one hell of a story to tell his buddies when he gets back to the station.

  CHAPTER 32

  The next morning I knock on Red’s door to see how he’s doing. I’ve decided to let him tell me the reason why he left me. When he answers the door, I ask him if he’s going to be home today.

  “I’m not going anywhere, why?”

  “I want to talk to you, so when you have the time let me know.”

  “Is it about Friday night and yesterday?”

  “No, I’ve decided that I want to know what happened in Ellensburg.”

  “Good, I want you to know. There’s no time like the present so come on in.”

  The story he tells me is unbelievable, like something straight out of a low class Hollywood movie.

  “Do you remember when I told you I thought there was something shady going on with that dealership and that I was ferrying cars? Well, I was right; they were buying stolen cars from chop shops and then re-selling them. The owner of the dealership would drive me to wherever the cars were at and I’d drive them back. When I finally figured out what was going on I told another salesman who’d been suspicious as well. I told him I was going to turn them in. Somehow, word got back to the owner and all hell broke loose. The owner’s name is Linda; she’s the woman I ended up marrying. That bitch had the hots for me from day one. I told her I was in love with you but that didn’t faze her. When she found out I was going to turn her in, she said she could make it look like the whole thing was my doing, I would take the fall, not her. And, if I wanted to keep my little girlfriend healthy I would dump you or she would turn me in herself. God, Libby, I didn’t care what happened to me but I couldn’t stand the thought of anybody hurting you. By then, I knew she was crazy, certifiable; but I didn’t know how far she would go. From then on, she had me on a short leash. When you called on my birthday and asked for me she was the one who answered the phone and told you I had quit. I hadn’t, I was still there. The next part of her plan was the marriage. Same deal, I marry her or she turns me in and you get hurt. So I did it, and god what a nightmare. I have never hated another person as much as I hate her. I was impotent the whole time I was with her. She would try to have sex with me but I could never do it. To make a long story short, I finally got the chance to turn her in. She got sick with the flu, couldn’t go in one day so I called the cops and told them the whole story. They called the FBI since some of the cars were coming from out of state. The FBI tapped the phones and the next time we went to get another car, they followed along. Once they had all the evidence they needed we were arrested and the dealership and chop shops were shut down. I got immunity from prosecution for my testimony. They wanted to put me in the witness protection program because the chop shop people were a bad bunch and they weren’t sure they had them all. I turned it down because I wanted to find you and I couldn’t do that in witness protection. Everybody involved was convicted and sent to prison. Crazy Linda was in fact truly crazy. After her sentencing, she went into a catatonic state. She’s now incarcerated in a mental institution for the criminally insane. The doctors don’t think she’ll ever come out of it. I got a job at another dealership, divorced her and starting looking for you but nobody knew where you were. And that’s pretty much it.”

  “Pretty much, but not all of it right?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “There’s more to it, I want to hear it all.”

  “Jesus, haven’t I hurt you enough?”

  “Yeah, you have and you’re hurting me right now by not telling the truth. As far as I’m concerned, nothing’s changed; I can’t forgive you until you man up and tell me everything.”

  “Okay, okay. The first time I met Linda was at that sales convention I went to and she told me about her dealership and said she was looking for another salesman. Was I interested? I told her maybe and that I wanted to see it so we made plans to go there the next day. Later that evening I got rip roaring drunk, we were dancing and having a good time and the next thing I knew I was in bed with her. The next day she apologized and said if I came to work for her, it would never happen again. She showed me her dealership and I accepted the job. At first, everything was fine, I could tell she wanted me but she didn’t do anything out of the way until I threatened to turn her in. Is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me because I will never be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done to us.”

  “So you cheated on me, right?

  “Yeah, but it wasn’t a conscience decision. It was a drunken mistake.”

  “So, you divorced her, but now you’re getting divorced again. What’s that all about?”

  “That’s another story, just about as weird. Do you want to hear it now or save it for another day?”

  “I want to hear it, let’s get this all out in the open.”

  “Okay, one day, at the new job, I sell a car to this really nice lady named Joann and I offer to buy her a drink after work to celebrate. We have a drink and I ask her to go out to dinner with me sometime. She says yes and we start dating. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met; she’s 25, and a CPA at a large accounting firm. After dating for about a month, she opens up and tells me about her past. When she was 18, she was brutally gang raped by four men. I am the first man she has been out with since it happened and she respects me for not trying to have sex with her. Then I told her about Linda and the impotency. A few weeks later, she says she has a business proposition for me. Some years back her uncle swindled her parents out of a huge sum of money. He died and left his estate to her in his will. There’s only one catch, in order for her to get it she has to be married for at least a year. She says she will never be able to get married and have sex but she wants the money to give back to her parents and tells me that if I’ll marry her and promise not to try and have sex with her she will give me half of it and then I can divorce her. So I married her, and after a year she got the money but we didn’t divorce. We liked each other and enjoyed being together so we decided to stay married. I told her I didn’t want any of the money, told her to give it all to her parents but she set up an account for me anyway and gave me $125,000.00. I had told her about you and the first thing she did when she got the money was hire a private investigator to try to find you for me but I didn’t have enough information for him to work with. Then when Bob called and told me you were back in Eagle Valley, the next day she went down and filed for divorce, told me to quit my job, pack my bags, and go home to you. God, Libby, next to you and my girls she’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I just wish I could have done something to help her, but I couldn’t, she’s just too damaged. Even the shrinks haven’t been able to help her. So, that’s it, end of story. The divorce will be final in a few months. Talk to me, tell me what you’re feeling.”

  “I’ve never stopped loving you, but the fact that you cheated on me and left without a word hurts me more than you can imagine. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you again.”

  “I love you too, Libby. Please, give me a second chance and let me show you how much I love you.”

  I shake my head no. “I need to go; I need to go right now.” I run out of his living room, back to my side of the house, and throw myself on my bed where I cry until I fall asleep.

  When I wake up I make a decision, it will be either the worst decision I have ever made or the best one, but I have to do it, I c
an’t go on living in the shadow of this relationship any longer.

  CHAPTER 33

  Shortly after noon, I knock on his door again. He looks like hell, I can tell he’s been crying too and I can smell the booze on him.

  “Hey,” he says. “What’s up? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay. Will you have dinner with me tonight?”

  “Hell, yes, I’ll have dinner with you. What’s going on, I didn’t think you’d want to have anything more to do with me?”

  “Look, we’re never going to work all of this out if we keep avoiding each other. I’m willing to give it a try if you are.”

  “Oh, God Libby, you don’t know how much that means to me. You won’t be sorry, honey, I promise you. I’ll make you the happiest woman in the world. Hey, you’re not planning to cook are you?” he teases.

  “Of course not, I thought we’d order in, maybe Chinese or whatever you want.”

  “Chinese would be great.”

  “Okay, I’ve got a menu from the Shanghai Garden so we can look it over and have them deliver. Look, I’d like to forget about all the crap for tonight, let’s not talk about it, let’s just have a nice meal, and enjoy ourselves.”

  “You got it, babe, anything you want, sweetheart, anything you want.”

  “You won’t think I’m so sweet when you hear what I’ve got planned for you for the rest of the day,” and I push him out of the way and stomp into his living room.

  “What? What are we doing?”

  “Not we, you, this.” I spread my arms out. “This hovel, this pit you’re living in. I can’t believe the management company hasn’t told me about this, they’re supposed to be making monthly inspections.”

  “They’ve never seen it like this. I’ve gotten a little lax lately with all the drinking and stuff but I’ll get right on it.”

  “You do that, pick up all these clothes and get this garbage out of here. My god, look at this mess, I could write my name in the dust.” The ashtrays are overflowing, empty booze, beer bottles, pizza boxes and Chinese cartons are scattered everywhere. “Don’t you ever eat in the kitchen? And where’s that rotten smell coming from, do you have a dead body stashed somewhere?” I rush around grabbing up beer cans. “I’ll bring you some dust cloths and the Endust.”

  "Hey, Libby, take it easy, I'll get it all done. While you’re at it, can you bring me the broom, so I can stick it up my…”

  “Shut up, Red. Are you high, or just an idiot? I can’t believe what you were just going to say. You’re sicker than I thought.” He’s standing there laughing his head off, and then so I’m I. I have heard him say some crude things before and never liked it, but right now, seeing him happy and laughing, I could care less what he says, but I would never tell him that.

  “I’m sorry, Lib, I just thought I could get it done quicker if I was doing two things at the same time, you know, dusting, and sweeping.”

  Still laughing, I say, “If you don’t get busy, I will find that broom, and you won’t be walking around too well for a few days. This was a new house and your side of it now looks like a garbage pit. I can’t believe you wanted me to have sex in this dump. I’m going to wash the bed linens and take a shower. Tomorrow I’m hiring a cleaning service to scour the whole place. Get busy. I’ll bring you some garbage bags, if you need anything else, look in the utility room.” I strip the bed and carry the linens to the washing machine, grab some black bags and take them to him. I get the laundry started and then drag a garbage bin up to his deck. The sanitation company will probably charge me double this month.

  By 3:00 o’clock he’s knocking on my door telling me he’s done, except for vacuuming, he wants to borrow my vacuum. I get it for him and then go check the place out. It looks great. Maybe I won’t have to hire the cleaning service after all.

  “Great job, Red, maybe I should fire my cleaning lady and hire you.”

  “You have a cleaning lady? How come I’ve never seen her? Do you suppose she’d clean for me?”

  “I’ll ask her. She comes once every two weeks to do the heavy cleaning. I pay her $20.00 and she’s here for about 2 hours but there’s no way she’s going to clean a mess like you had today for twenty bucks. You’ll need to keep it half way picked up.”

  “You bet. I’ll do that. Let me know what she says. Come on now, let’s have a beer, and decide on what we want to eat tonight.”

  So, I get us both a beer and we look over the menu. Once we’ve decided I call the restaurant and tell them to deliver it around 6:00.

  Our dinner was wonderful, there was so much food that we’ll be eating on it for another 2 days. Barbeque pork with hot mustard and sesame seeds for the appetizer and then egg flower soup, almond chicken, sweet and sour pork, chicken chow mein, and pork fried rice for the main course. We kept the conversation light and didn’t bring up our relationship from the past. He brought me up to speed about his girls and the rest of his family. I told him about my time in San Francisco with Grandma but didn’t tell him about the trust fund or my potential inheritance. After we ate, we went into my living room to watch some TV. I sat next to him on the couch and he put his arm around me, hugging me close. By 8:00 o’clock, I was falling asleep.

  “Hey, babe, don’t fall asleep on me here, I’ll never get you moved.”

  “Guess it’s time I went to bed, all that food and stress of the day has taken its toll.”

  “Stay with me tonight, Libby, stay with me. I don’t want to let you go.”

  “I told you I’m not ready for that yet.”

  “I know, but stay with me anyway, let me go to sleep with my arms around you, the same way we did the last time. I’ve wanted to be with you for so long.”

  So I do, I spend the night with him and let him hold me close and he tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too.

  The next morning he cooks me breakfast, scrambled eggs with toast and fresh cantaloupe and watermelon. We keep grinning at each other, and then laughing, remembering yesterday and how it was to be in love in the beginning. Then he’s off to work looking happier than I’ve seen him in a long time.

  We settle in to a routine. Some nights I stay with him and some he stays with me, I finally let him make love to me again. His excessive drinking has stopped, he still likes a couple of drinks before dinner, and a couple of beers on the weekend, but other than that, the drunkenness is over. I keep wondering if he’s going to suggest that he move in with me so he can avoid paying me rent but he doesn’t. His divorce from Joann becomes final and he wants us to get married but I tell him it’s too soon. He doesn’t push. I still have my issues with everything that happened in Ellensburg. Will I ever be able to put it all behind me? For the time being I’m content to leave things the way they are.

  CHAPTER 34

  March 1974

  Eight months go by and we’re happy together. It’s almost like the way we were after his divorce from Carol.

  Then I get the phone call that I have always been dreading, the call I knew would come one day. Grandma has had a heart attack. She is in critical condition and the doctors don’t think she will make it.

  I’m frantic to get to her but her jet is not available so I will have to fly commercial. I book a one-way reservation for the next day, then call Red at work, and tell him what’s happened. He says he will take the day off and drive me to the airport and not to worry about stuff at home, he will take care of everything until I get back. He doesn’t want to deal with the animals so I take Zip, Billy G, and Danny to Chris and Barb’s place. Lecia, the cat, can fend for herself and give him some company while I’m not there.

  The drive to the airport in Yakima seems like it takes forever. I can’t wait to get on the airplane and get to San Francisco. At the same time, I don’t want to be away from Red. I want him to come with me but he is busy at the dealership and can’t get the time off.

  Once we get to the airport and after I go through the check in process, I tell him that I love him, and I will be back as
soon as I can. I give him Grandma’s phone number and tell him I’ll call him later that night.

  When I get to San Francisco Fred Holmes meets me and takes us directly to the hospital. I only get to spend about 10 minutes with Grandma before she passes. She’s conscious though and recognizes me. The last thing she tells me is, “Do not be afraid of dying, this is the most wonderful, amazing feeling in the word.”

  Then she’s gone. Fred and I hug each other and cry. She was the second love of his life. She filled a void after his beloved wife died of cancer. I don’t know what I would have done without her either, because during my turbulent childhood years she was always there for me. Always loving and supporting me.

  Fred calls the funeral home and arranges for them to come and get her. She wants to be cremated and her ashes sent to Portland, Oregon for burial in her husband’s grave. I’m not crazy about cremation, but she once told me that she had a fear of being buried in the ground, so I will honor her wishes. Tomorrow we will meet with the funeral home and plan a memorial service for her here in San Francisco.

  After Fred takes me to Grandma’s house, I call Red and tell him that she died and that I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. He tells me not to worry; he’ll take care of everything there.

  The next morning I wake up to the telephone ringing. It’s Tony. Fred has told him that Grandma died.

  “I want to help, what can I do. Are you alone?”

  “Yes, I’m alone. Fred and I are going to the funeral home at 10:00 to arrange for a memorial service. The only other thing I can think of is just to get the word out to her friends.”

  “I think Fred is taking care of that. He called us and I know he called Leona. I’m on my way; I can be there in about 20 minutes. I don’t want you to be alone at a time like this.”

  He gets here at 9:00, and Fred is right behind him. They both hug me and then we discuss what kind of memorial service we want. After a half hour, Fred suggests that we leave for the funeral home. “The traffic’s bound to be a nightmare. I brought the limo so you both can ride with me.”